Journal Entry 3 - Roller-coaster Ride
This pregnancy has been like a wild roller-coaster ride. I'm ready for it to stop! Stop!I want to get off!
Marty isn't doing very well. She's in the hospital again. The doctors aren't sure if she and the baby are going to be alright. They had to give her medicine to stop the contractions, because the stress of her lupus put her into preterm labor. It's too soon for the baby. If she has the baby now, he or she is not going to make it.
We don't know if we are having a boy or a girl yet. We want it to be a surprise. I pray the little one hangs on just a little bit longer. I pray that Marty gets better and she gets to come home from the hospital. I need her home with me. I miss her so much. I feel like I am dying inside.
She doesn't say much, but I know she's thinking of the two babies we lost before. We never talk about it, but it's always there. We can't lose this baby, too. I don't think we can withstand another loss. It wouldn't be fair. Everywhere we go, we see people with babies. Those people have happy families and smiling children. Why can't that be us? Why do we have to keep losing our children?
Last night I arrived at the hospital to find Marty crying in her hospital bed. Tears were rushing down her cheeks as she was silently crying. I know the fears in her heart, because I have them, too. It took all of our strength and courage to try for this baby after two tragic losses.
I don't want to say good-bye before I even say hello.