Journal Entry 6 - Frightening Reality
Finally, Marty's awake! The doctors have her blood pressure stabilized. Despite the pain from her incision, physically she's doing better. Emotionally, it's a struggle. Our baby is here ... but he was born over 2 months early. He's so tiny... and the doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it. There are so many dangers. We have to take it hour by hour, and at times, we have to take it minute by minute.
Marty is eager to see our son. Now that she's doing better, the doctors say they will take her up to NICU to see him. I don't know what her reaction will be. He's incredibly small, but he's ours... and we love him. He's the baby God sent to us after two painful losses. Now matter how long we have with him, we have to cherish every moment of his precious existence.
My sister is here and so are my nieces. We are surrounded by our family and friends. There have been so many tears - tears of happiness because we finally have a child ... and tears of sadness because we fear we might lose him.
Only the parents are allowed to go into NICU to see the baby, so for now we must tell our family goodbye. Marty and I will be going in soon to see our precious son. We have named our little boy Tyler Thomas Manning.
Author's Note- Isn't it sad but true that when we go through grief and loss, we are pretty much alone? I know I felt very alone when I went through multiple pregnancy losses. I was hospitalized 3 times, and not even once did anyone come to visit me. That is why I chose the title "Our Silent Sorrows." Sorrow is so painful, but it's even worse when it's silent, screaming out inside of you. Even now, years later, no one even mentions the babies I lost. It's as if to them, those tiny souls never existed. It's as if their lives meant nothing at all. It is very painful to a mother when her child is forgotten. I decided to write this story to convey some of my feelings and let them out into the open. I don't wish to be "silent" anymore. I have worked through many of my emotions over the years, but anniversaries of the losses and the would-have-been birthdays can be hard. If anyone has any thoughts or feelings on that, I would love to hear them.