Journal Entry 8 - Tyler Thomas Manning
Marty and the baby are home! It's been three weeks now since we brought our son home to our tiny apartment. We hardly get any sleep. Marty and I have been sleeping in shifts. She watches over our son every second, just to make sure he's still breathing. After two prior losses, I know she's terrified that something will happen to our little Tyler.
He's probably the cutest baby who ever lived. He has my hair and Marty's bright blue eyes. I must confess, I too watch over him when he's sleeping, watching his little chest rise and fall, just so I know he's sleeping peacefully and drawing in each and every precious breath. When will we ever feel safe again... as though loss and heartache cannot touch us? Will we ever let our baby boy out of our sight?
What happens when he starts to walk? Will we place him in a giant sheet of bubble wrap to protect him? And what happens one day when he wants to cross the street... and play in the park with his little friends? Will we have the strength to let him go on such an adventure? Will we fear fear for his life every second?
We don't know what the future will hold, but we've both agreed, we don't want him to grow up alone. We want our little Tyler to have a baby brother or sister... and with our track record of pregnancy and loss, we are thinking we better get started right away... just as soon as the doctor says Marty's well enough to start trying. Sadly, we fear it might take awhile. Tyler might be in elementary school before we can give him a living sibling.
But for now... we have him... and he's everything precious we could have ever imagined. He's amazing! Sometimes, when I look into his bright blue eyes, I think of the others- the babies we lost; the ones who went unnamed, our children. They were just as precious as our Tyler and will not be forgotten. Were they little girls or two little boys? Maybe they were one of each?
Whatever the scenario, they WERE our children... and Tyler's older siblings. Tyler makes us smile. In him, we are able to find joy again, but behind those sincere smiles, there remains a silent sorrow. Something's missing... something unique and precious. We can't bring it back again. We have to go on without it. We have to revel in the joy and beauty that remains.
Marty and I don't speak of it. We just go on as though nothing sorrowful ever happened and as if Tyler is all that we need. He will bring the sunshine into our lives again - there is no doubt, but sometimes, I can't help but wish that we had three children, not just the one. There are times when separation from our children with wings is almost too much for our hearts to bear.
So we'll hold this little boy, our tiny gift and we'll cling to him tightly. We can't take our eyes off of our son, Tyler Thomas Manning. He's all that we have...