His chest heaved as he stood among the wreckage of every mannequin in the clearing, as well as a few trees around it. The pieces trembled as though they wanted to repair themselves, but his anger held them in place, and he stared them down through his mask as though challenging the debris to dare repair itself.
Slowly his thoughts began to return, and with it the unpleasant realization that Hux had managed to get him that worked up. Even though he had left the room without hurting the redhead Hux had bested him by getting him to go out here and perform some of the 'wanton destruction' that he never failed to mention to Hermione. And it was Hermione that had Hux had used to rile Ren. It wasn't much, a brush of his lips against her fingers, and the lip biting and blush that came across Hermione's face after, that sent him into the woods without a thought other than to destroy whatever he could as quickly as he could. No doubt Hux was currently mentioning how dangerous Ren's temper was, another reason Hermione should stay away, another reason Hux could present himself as the more sensible match.
It had slowly become clear that a match was what Ren wanted, though his latest episode undoubtedly made that even less likely. Hermione was attractive and intelligent, just as Hux had said, but it was more than that. She was patient and rational, a calming force in his life. Hux might want her, but Ren was starting to need her. Truth be told if he was let out on his own without her there to guide and calm him he was sure the results would be horrifying. There was no Snoke in his head, no distant feelings from those who used to give him comfort, no guidance towards the dark or the light, and he had been at his most dangerous when feeling lost and confused. Hermione provided the only sense of any direction or comfort, and should she turn him away he wasn't sure what he would do, except slide back into that place where he had historically been at his most volatile.
"Well, this looks like a healthy way to vent your frustrations," a chiding voice came from behind him, and he spun to see Hermione carefully positioned on the perimeter of the clearing. He exhaled and around him the mannequins reset themselves. Cautiously she approached him, and he turned off his saber. When she reached him she looked up at him for a moment, then pushed his hood down and took his mask off.
"I don't like this thing," she said, turning it in her hands so she could look at the face. "You only wear it when you're angry, and I'm starting to get afraid every time I see you with it."
He scowled but didn't say anything as she placed it on the ground and sat cross-legged next to it. He looked at her for a long moment before sitting in front of her.
"Is there any point in asking you what caused all that?" she asked.
His eyes narrowed.
"I didn't think so," she muttered. "I want to reiterate that you can talk to me about anything. You don't seem to want to talk to me about what is getting to you, but if you change your mind I'm available."
"You wouldn't understand."
"I'll never understand if you don't tell me," she pointed out. "I'm not saying I have experience, I don't think anyone alive knows what you are going through, but that doesn't mean I can't provide a sympathetic ear and maybe a little advice. That's why I took you and Hux in, to help make a very big transition, and I really don't want you to feel like you can't approach me if something is bothering you."
"It's nothing about the transition," he muttered and shook his head.
"Personal issues?" she raised an eyebrow. "You and Hux seem to be getting on worse terms by the day..."
"We were never on good terms, merely on the same side," he said. "I was not given the choice of who I was exiled with, and at the moment I don't have much of a choice but continue to maintain his company."
"Would you like me to speak to Harry or one of my other friends? If you think it would be less stressful to be studying with someone else and away from here..."
"No," he interrupted shortly.
She waited a moment to see if he would elaborate, then decided to change the subject. "What do you see when you try to enter my mind?" she asked.
"I don't..."
"Don't lie," she said sharply. "I know you try, I've felt you. I was hoping you'd approach me and ask about my defenses, because I'm curious to see if they work. No one is willing to test them with me."
He looked her in the eyes for a moment before replying, "A wall. Not a particularly high one, but with a sense of it being impenetrable while also somewhat familiar. I've never stayed long enough to try to figure it out."
"Would you like to try?" she asked.
"You want me in your mind?" he scoffed.
"I want to see if you can get in," she replied.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea. What I do to get information from someone isn't like what you did. You waited, you observed, and you held it when necessary, but there wasn't anything particularly forceful behind it. I force people, and it doesn't always end well for their mental state."
"Yes, but they're generally fighting you. Just try. I've got my wand, I'll hex you if thing are going south."
Hesitantly he lifted a hand, looked into her eyes, and concentrated. Almost immediately he was standing at the stone wall.
"Do you want me to try to break it down?" he called, not expecting an answer.
"Or you could try the gate," her voice called from further away, and he turned to his left to see a wrought iron gate where he was sure solid wall had been second before. He walked, the wall on one side and nothing surrounding the others, until he came to the gate and couldn't help but smile. She stood just inside the thick iron bars, bouncing expectantly, inside the familiar grounds of Hogwarts, the castle visible over her shoulder.
"I'm assuming your thoughts are inside?" he asked.
"There are a few scattered on the ground. Mostly superficial, nothing really interesting or significant," she said, looking to her left as his helmet appeared, then disappeared.
"So one must get past the wall or the gate, then ignore the scattered thoughts you're currently having, and make your way into the castle which, if it's anything like the castle it's modeled after, will be a nearly impenetrable labyrinth itself?"
"Pretty much," she smiled. "I got the idea of a mind palace from the Sherlock Holmes books, and I guess I went a bit literal. But Hogwarts is an excellent place to hide things. Originally I was going to build a library, but the nature of a library would make it easy for someone who wished to find information to access it."
He reached out and pulled on the gate, but as he expected it didn't budge in the slightest. He mentally pulled on it, straining as hard as he had when he was trying to get information from Rey, but the gates and the stones around it remained resolutely shut and in place.
"You've done it," he told her. "I think if I try much harder one of us might suffer mental damage."
"Well, then I'll just invite you in," she smiled, reaching out to touch the gate, which opened with her feather-light touch. He slipped through the opening and stood next to her, looking out over the expanse of the grounds. Here and there things popped up, things easily recognizable as things around their physical forms or things she might be concerned about, like a stack of papers that needed marking. As he was watching a black, winged horse take flight at the edge of the forest he felt something close around his hand, and looked down to see her hand wrapped around his.
"Come on," she said, and mentally he could see he pulling him forward, but the physical sensation remained unchanged. It only took him a second to realize that the part where he could actually feel it could only mean one thing: she was physically holding his hand.
She led him up the steps to the school and in through the massive doors. The sprawling entrance hall was filled with people, all standing still, eyes closed, and heads drooped. Most of these were bathed in an ethereal light, and he was drawn to them as though he knew them personally. He gently prodded one, a stout woman with bright red hair, and the image sprang to life.
"But, Hermione, dear, it really won't be Christmas without you," she said in a pleading voice. "Even if you're not with Ron, you are family, and you're always welcome..."
Hermione touched the woman again, and she immediately went still.
"This is everyone I know well enough to have significant memories with," she explained. "Friends and family."
They walked slowly through the room, and Ren saw a few people with resemblances to Hermione, many redheads, and many of the same Professors who were still teaching at Hogwarts. The further they got the less light bathed people, and he noticed in the back some figures were shrouded in darkness, barely discernible until he approached them.
"People I'd rather not remember, but don't have the ability to forget," she explained.
Ren reached for the closest one, a woman clad in black with wild hair.
"No..." Hermione started, but his fingers brushed the woman, who sprang to life, wand already moving.
"How did you get into my vault? Crucio!" the woman shrieked, and Hermione's disembodied screams of pain filled the hall before Ren hit the woman's figure to silence them. He looked down at Hermione, waiting for her to say something, but she just started towards the staircase.
It didn't take long for Ren to realize that Hermione's thoughts were well organized within the massive structure, but that she had complete control of her mental castle. She could cut off access to any area she wanted by locking doors or changing staircases, and no amount of force could change them back or force her to let him pass. She could also disappear, leaving him wandering familiar halls that didn't go where he remembered. When she thought of something it would draw him in that direction, if she hid something no amount of searching would find it. As he explored on his own he became aware that something was drawing him lower, toward the dungeons, a persistent thought that she couldn't seem to keep from her mind.
"That's far enough," she suddenly appeared in front of him as he reached the bottom of a set of stairs.
He looked behind her as if her thought would present itself, wondering what Hermione was so desperate to keep from him.
"Out," she ordered. "You don't get to see that."
"What are you hiding from me, Hermione?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. It must be something terrible if she didn't want him in there.
"Out," she repeated.
He took a step forward, thinking of what he would be keeping from her. Suddenly he felt himself forcibly ejected from her mind, but they were too deeply connected, and they moved, but not back into the physical world. It took him a moment to realize where they were, and by then it was too late. Hermione saw too much. She stood in front of him on the narrow walkway, eyes wide and staring at something behind him, and he turned to see his figure from his memory had just run his saber through Han. Hermione seemed unable to move, and it took him a moment to remember how to pull them both from his mind as Han disappeared down the shaft and his memory took the hit from Chewbacca's bowcaster.
They started at each other, wide eyed, as emotions coursed through each of them. A flash of rage engulfed Ren, but quickly, nearly too quickly, it was replaced by resignation, and he felt his body deflate.
"I'm.. I'm sorry," Hermione whispered, and it was then he realized she was holding his hand tightly, as though she were afraid he would run away.
"After what you just saw you apologize to me?" he laughed.
"I had no right..."
"And yet you saw," he snapped.
"I shouldn't have," she said softly. "I had no idea I could do that by throwing you out of my mind, since I've never heard of it happening before. I know you didn't want me to see that and I'm so sorry, I should have found a way out. I was confused, I wasn't thinking straight..."
His trembling hand found her face, and she immediately fell silent. "How do you do it?" he asked. "How do you show so much concern for everyone else? How do you see something like that and stay here to apologize?"
"If you ever want to talk about it, you'll tell me. If not, that's alright. I wasn't supposed to see that, I know you kept it from me before. That's your mind, and I have no right to be there."
He studied her face for a long moment. "You didn't know? I would have thought this something Hux told you about a long time ago."
"He didn't mention a word," she shook her head. "But... but I think I knew the first time you kept it from me. I'm assuming no one has called you Ben in a very long time."
His head dropped, but she reached out and cautiously cupped his face, her fingers running down the scar. "I'm not going to force you to talk about it. Ever. That's your history, and if you want to talk, I'm here, but if you never want to talk I'm okay with that, too. I am sorry for that, I can't say that enough, and I really hope that you can forgive me."
He shook his head and pressed into her touch. "I still can't believe you're the one who thinks they need forgiveness."
"Sorry?" she bit her lip.
His shoulders shook once with a suppressed chuckle, and he looked up into her face.
"I'm starting to wonder if you're real, or just some some figment of my imagination sent to torment me with the thought that someone actually cares enough about my well being before you're torn away from me in penance for everything I've done."
"Ren..." she started, but he interrupted her.
"If you are I'm willing to take each moment I can," he murmured. "If I'm destined to lose this, I want every memory I can get from it."
Then he kissed her.
He was prepared for her to recoil in disgust, at the horror that someone as damaged and terrible as he would dare touch her like that.
He was prepared for her to slap him, shout at him, run from him.
He was prepared for rejection. It might actually be a relief if she put to rest any hope he might have held.
He was not prepared for her to lean into him, a contented sigh escaping her lips before hers connected with his again.
For the first time in he couldn't remember how long he was completely in the moment. No one in his head telling him what he should do, trying to influence which path he took. No concerns about what part this action played in the larger scope of things. No heightened emotions clouding his every thought. It was just him and Hermione.
When she finally pulled away from him he studied her face, looking for any hint that she might be playing some cruel prank on him, but she was smiling and her eyes were warm.
"Hermione..." he started.
"Let's take this day by day," she said softly, not waiting for him to ask. "I don't know what it is and I don't know where it might go. Not putting labels on it is probably for the best right now."
He nodded.
"Right now it would probably be a good idea if we get back up to the castle," she said, glancing at the darkening sky. "I always hate this forest at night."
He stood and offered her a hand, which she held until they got in sight of the castle. They crossed the grounds wordlessly save for a quick greeting she shouted to Hagrid, then slid in a side door and immediately turned into the secret passage that would lead to the corridor nearest her quarters. When they were almost there she surprised him by turning to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, and kissing him again. There was no hesitation with this one, no question between them as there had been with the first. She was kissing him passionately, and he quickly followed her lead, maneuvering her until she was against the wall, pressed against his body. It was a wonderful sensation, a moment he would have happily stayed with for hours if they hadn't heard student voices drifting up the passage toward them.
"Let's go," she hissed as she quickly broke away from him, pulling him in a run down the rest of the passage and bursting through a tapestry into the corridor, nearly colliding with two seventh year girls.
"Are you alright, Miss Granger?" one, who was wearing a prefect badge, asked.
"Um... Oh, yes," Hermione replied, her absentminded tone causing a smirk to flash across Ren's face. "Yes, quite alright. How are, um, things, Miss Wagner?"
"Everything seems to be in order, ma'am," she replied with a smile that conveyed she clearly knew what her professor had been up to. "I do still need to speak with you and Professor Longbottom about the third years, however..."
"What? Oh, right, the place.. the..."
"Hogsmeade? And the damage they did to the Three Broomsticks?"
"That's it," Hermione nodded, either not noticing that the prefect's friend was silently giggling or deliberately ignoring it. "I'm... a bit busy at the moment. Could you come in around two tomorrow afternoon? Professor Longbottom should be able to join us then."
"Yes, Ma'am," she nodded.
"Brilliant. Have a good night, Miss Wagner, Miss Doheny."
"Good night, Professor," they chorused, hurrying down the hall, the echoes of their giggles rebounding back to Hermione and Ren as soon as they turned the corner.
"I'm pretty sure they are drawing some conclusions..." Ren started.
"You obviously haven't worked in a school before," she replied, walking across the corridor and opening the door to her classroom. "The rumors about us have been flying for weeks."
"What rumors?" he asked.
"You and I. Hux and I. You, Hux and I, I've heard them all. Students don't seem to believe our story much, but, frankly, most don't like to think of their professors as humans who occasionally enjoy things like sex, so we're more a passing rumor. Those two sixth years who mistook the elves' quarters for the Room of Requirement is a much bigger story. This will spread like wildfire but die rather quickly."
"Wait," he stopped just as she put her hand on the knob that lead to her private quarters. When she turned to look at him he gave her one more kiss.
"Hux," he murmured softly.
She seemed to understand. "We should keep this from him?" she asked.
"I think it for the best, for now, to at least keep the visual from him. If he asks upon hearing the rumors we can address it then, but if not it would keep from complicating things," he replied.
Confusion flickered across her face, but she nodded and dropped his hand. When they entered the room, however, they found it empty and dark, the only light coming from the setting sun.
"He must be at the library or out for a run," she said, craning her neck to make sure he wasn't in the bedroom and finding the beds perfectly made.
"Which means he could be back at any moment," Ren pointed out, gently placing his helmet and saber down on the nearest chair.
"Hmmm," she replied absentmindedly, dropping her teaching robes on the chair, covering his things. "I think it might be time to retire for the night, then," she murmured, turning to face him. "Care to join me?" she nearly whispered, before pressing another kiss to his lips as he stared at her in stunned silence. Without another word she turned and started into her room, unbuttoning her blouse and letting it fall just inside her door.