Makoto had rarely felt the sense of anxiety he did now. Not with this kind of intensity. Whenever he had felt it in the past…it had always been because of Haru.
This time was no exception.
Before he could contemplate the issue further, he was jogged out of his thoughts by the sight of Sayuri, who was curled up on a set of nearby steps.
"Sayuri?" he asked. Sayuri looked up in surprise as he neared her. "What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
"Oh…Makoto." She stood up, rubbing the edges of her eyes. "I'm just…I'm just trying to find my way back to my room."
Makoto's brow knitted in concern.
"You…don't know the way?" He started when tears began to well up at the corners of Sayuri's eyes.
"Aika…she's usually the one who finds the way for me. But I don't know where she went." Makoto held up his hands, scared that anything else he said would result in a complete breakdown.
"Um…don't worry, Sayuri! I'm on my way back now, actually. I can take you there!"
"That's…not it." She turned around, still trying to prevent him from seeing that she was crying.
"S-Sayuri?"
"I'm sick of it."
Makoto swallowed…the deep, raspy voice which emerged from her was not what he expected.
"Sick of what?" he asked cautiously.
"I'm sick of depending on other people." She spun around to face him, and suddenly, Makoto could see that the tears in her eyes were brimming with self-hatred. Vicious, clawed, bloody self-hatred. He hesitated, choosing his words carefully.
"What do you mean?"
"Makoto…I can't even go anywhere without Aika anymore," Sayuri whispered. She swallowed back her tears, but otherwise, didn't move. "The world…the world is terrifying. That's why I swim in a pool. Where it's safe and calm. When my head goes under the water, I don't hear the world, I don't see it. I just swim…and it feels like I'm flying."
"Sayuri…"
She looked up towards the sky. "The world isn't like a pool. It's like an ocean. A huge, terrifying ocean empty of light and love. And it always seemed that way, but one day…" Her eyes lit up briefly, then died once more. "One day I met Aika. She takes good care of me…she always has…and I love her." Makoto waited for her tears, but none came. "But I'm starting to realise that I'm not just her friend…I'm also a rock…dragging her down into the same ocean she tried so hard to save me from."
"Sayuri, it's not…"
"Not my fault?" She laughed bitterly. "Of course it is." Suddenly, she seemed to realise the rawness in her voice and she blinked. "Sorry…" she mumbled. "I'm just rambling now." She sighed. "See? I'm doing it again. I know you have your own problems to deal with. But I'm still depending on you. Depending on someone else to handle what I can't." Her jaw clenched in anger. "I'm pathetic."
"Sayuri!" Sayuri yelped at the firmness in Makoto's voice, drawn out of her reverie. Makoto smiled gently at her. "Sayuri…you're not pathetic." He turned his gaze to the sun-brushed clouds. "You know, the world once seemed a lot like an ocean to me as well. And I was scared of it too." His smile deepened as his eyes shone. "But when I met Haru, it was like something missing had come back to me. I care about him a lot, and he cares about me. I know he does." He chanced a glance at Sayuri. "And Aika cares about you too, you know."
"I know she does! But"-
"It's more than that," Makoto continued, cutting her off. Sayuri's eyes widened. "She wants to help you. She wants you to be your best self. And as long as she's your friend, you two will always be depending on each other." His eyes softened. "I know because…because that's what Haru and I do."
Sayuri stared at him. Then, for the first time that evening, she smiled.
"You really love him, don't you?" Makoto blinked in surprise, then laughed sadly.
"Yeah. Yeah, I do."
Sayuri's fists unclenched themselves. "I…I want that too."
"Huh?"
"I…I want it to be like that with me and Aika. The way you say it is." Determination flooded her features. "I want to help her as much as she helps me…I don't want to depend on her anymore…I want us to depend on each other. And if you and Haru can do it…then we can do it too." She directed her smile towards him. "Thank you…Makoto."
She started to walk away.
"Wait!" Makoto called after her. "Wouldn't you like some help finding your room?" Sayuri glanced around, hesitated, then winked.
"I think it's about time I start finding my own way…don't you think?"
Then, she turned away from him again, leaving Makoto to stare after her retreating form.
"Your own way…" he murmured. He looked down.
Maybe that's what Haru needed right now. His own way to express his feelings, to tell him what was wrong. He sighed.
He just hoped Haru would find that way fast. Because as long as he didn't know what was wrong with Haru, he couldn't fix it. And as long as he couldn't fix it…
Something would always be wrong with him.
What was wrong with him?
Haru allowed himself to float just beneath the surface of the pool. Usually, the water would always provide answers.
Tonight, they were not so forthcoming.
His moment of contemplation was interrupted, however, by a sudden splash nearby. Frowning, he surfaced in the moonlight to find Aika staring at him in surprise. He stared back…he didn't know what else to do.
"Haruka…I thought you went back to your room?" she said. She batted at the water…but if she had expected a reply, she didn't wait for one. She dived beneath the surface, gliding towards him before diverting her path to the , she climbed out of the pool to sit at its edge. She motioned for Haru to sit beside her and reluctantly, he obliged.
"So what are you doing here?" she asked, surveying him as he pulled himself from the water.
"Swimming."
Aika laughed half-heartedly. "I can see that." She paused. "I mean…what are you really doing here, Haruka?"
"Why do I have to be doing anything else?"
"Because something's up. I can tell." Haru looked away, evoking a sigh from Aika. "C'mon," she pressed. "What's wrong?"
Haru scowled. He was sick of that question. He didn't even know what was wrong with him, so how could anyone else expect him to put it into words?
Then, Aika said something that surprised him:
"This is about Makoto, isn't it?" Haru's eyes widened.
"None of your business," he snapped, too shocked to collect himself. Aika's fingers clawed at the floor.
"But it is." She glared at him. "Look, we may only have known each other for a couple of days…but like it or not, I'm your friend. And I care about you."
Haru blinked before looking down, ignoring the hint of guilt in his stomach. That wasn't the response he'd been expecting.
Aika pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Think about it this way," she said. "We never saw each other around campus that often, did we? So after this, if you never want to speak to me again, that's fine…but you can't keep bottling yourself up." She fidgeted with the strap of her swimsuit. "If you're honest, I think you know the person you should really be talking to…is Makoto. But if you just need to let it all out…I'm here."
Haru swallowed.
"I don't need to talk to anyone," he murmured.
Aika leaned forward so she could look him in the eye.
"Haruka…I once told you I wouldn't force you to talk. And I meant it…" She paused uncertainly. "So now, I'm asking you…talk to me?"
Haru hesitated. Something in Aika's voice made him want to trust her.
"Fine." Aika looked up. "But then you have to promise me…you won't say anything to Makoto. It'll only make him worry." Aika laughed hollowly.
"Oh, it's a little late for that. He's already worried about you." Haru glared at her and she sighed. "Alright then," she agreed. "I promise."
Haru offered her a slight nod, then turned his gaze to the water. "I…don't really know how to explain it. There's this…feeling. I'm not even sure where it came from."
"Go on…"
He cuffed the water with his foot, admiring the way the moonlight shivered in the ripples. "Recently," he continued, "being around Makoto has been…uncomfortable. But he didn't do anything to cause that feeling." His eyes narrowed. "Which means it must be my fault."
"What makes you say that?" Aika asked, taken aback.
"Because it came out of nowhere. All the things I feel…they're suddenly bubbling at my surface." He ran a finger along a crack in the tiles, trying not to look her in the eye. "What's strange is that it feels…familiar. Like I've felt it before, but I can't place where."
Aika tilted her head. "Haruka…what is it you're feeling, exactly?"
Haru hesitated. He could only think of one thing which could come even close to what he had been experiencing of late.
"Fear."
"…Fear?"
"Yeah."
Aika paused.
"I think it's something else," she murmured. Haru gazed dully at her.
"I don't see what else it could be."
Aika hesitated. "Haruka…" she said uncertainly. "Tell me if I'm right, okay?"
"Okay…"
Aika took a deep breath.
"When you see Makoto, your skin burns…and your eyes…and your chest." Haru swallowed. Memories of the dance began to flood him. "You want to be near him, but when you get close, your heart begins to race. You remember his voice and his smile when you don't want to…Like his image is invading your mind." Her gaze hardened. "And it feels like torture."
Haru's fists clenched as the memories begun to take him over. He felt like he was drowning again.
"It sounds like fear to me," he said quietly.
"So I'm right?" Aika said. Haru didn't respond, and Aika pulled her feet from the water. "Tell me something, Haruka. Do you honestly think you're afraid of your best friend?"
"I don't know how else to explain it."
For a few moments, there was silence. Only the sounds of ripples in the pool and moonlit leaves ruffled by the wind outside.
"You idiot."
Haru glanced up at her, bewildered. "What?" When Aika laughed at his response, the sound was somewhere between affection and hysteria.
"Don't you realise you're in love with him?"
Haru stared at her.
"Don't be stupid," he hissed. But his heart was hammering a tattoo across his chest. "He's my best friend. I'm not in love with him."
"Don't lie to yourself," Aika growled. Her amber eyes burned. "Don't lie to me. He's the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning. He's always been at your side, and you've always been at his. You live and breathe his silence, his words, his heart. And I'm not talking about recently…I'm talking about always. It's always been like that, hasn't it?"
"That's normal for friends," Haru breathed.
"Maybe," she said "But normal friends don't make each other's hearts race. Normal friends don't set each other's souls on fire, and normal friends…" She paused, making sure Haru couldn't escape her gaze. "Normal friends can dance with each other without feeling like they have something to run from."
The look on Haru's face told her she'd hit her mark. "This all started after the dance, didn't it?" she said quietly. "I saw you two — the look in your eyes was something else." Her arms tightened around her knees. "Haruka, this…fear you say you feel? It was always 's why it feels familiar." Her eyes softened. "You just needed a little push to see it."
Haru looked down at the water. "So…it is fear?"
Aika laughed hollowly. "If you think about it, isn't love just another form of fear?" She turned her gaze to the ceiling. "Fear of being alone."
"I wouldn't know."
Aika raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?" Haru could hear an edge in her voice now. "Imagine a world without Makoto, Haruka. I dare you to try it." Haru's eyes widened. His chest turned cold. "It feels empty, doesn't it?" she whispered. "Like floating in a vast ocean with no one to save you…"
"You don't know Makoto," Haru said. His voice was husky. "He would never leave."
"Oh, I'm not saying he will," Aika countered. "But you could lose him in other ways." She tilted her head. "Makoto's an attractive guy. Imagine what it would feel like if you saw him with someone else. Say…a pretty girl?"
Instinctively, Haru clenched his jaw.
"So?" he hissed.
"So you're jealous, aren't you?"
"I'm not jealous. There's nothing to be jealous of." His voice was shaking now.
"But one day there might be."
"I don't care. Makoto can do whatever he wants."
"That sounds like denial to me."
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!" Haru shrieked. He'd reached the end of his tether.
"BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO SEE!" she screeched back. "I WANT YOU TO SEE BEFORE YOU LOSE THE MAN YOU LOVE! BEFORE YOU LOSE YOURSELF! YOU IDIOT, YOU COMPLETE AND TOTAL IDIOT, WHY CAN'T JUST SEE?!" Her fists clenched. "Haruka, I had someone once! And then one day…" She swallowed. "One day I didn't. One day I lost him." Her hands shook. "He fell off a cliff into the ocean. He…he drowned right in front of me."
Haru's lips parted in surprise. The diving board…
"That's why you were so afraid," he murmured. "That day at the obstacle course." For the first time, he looked her willingly in the eye. "I'm sorry."
Aika stared at him for a moment, breathing hard, then looked down.
" It doesn't matter now, does it?" She stood up. "My point is, I never got the chance to tell him how I felt…and I don't want the same thing to happen to you."
"Aika…"
"Look, all I'm saying is…don't have regrets Haruka." She smiled brokenly. "Live free."
Haru's eyes shimmered briefly.
"Live free…"
Aika sighed. "I should be getting back…Sayuri's probably wondering where I am. And Haruka?" More carefully this time, she met his gaze as he looked up. "Even if you ignore everything I've said tonight…don't avoid Makoto, okay?" She turned around. "It's not hard to see he's worried sick about you."
Then, she padded away…and Haru was left alone with the night.
Live free…
Haru swallowed. It was time he gave Makoto some kind of explanation for his behaviour…even if he didn't quite know how to.
It was time he faced both Makoto…and himself.