想い - Feeling, thought, imagination (omoi or sou)

by Always RuroKen

You imagine what it would be like to confess to him, to tell him everything you feel about him and ask if he will accept you. And he would put a hand on the side of your face and kiss you gently on the lips, struggling to formulate an answer. And you imagine that when the two of you break apart he smiles slightly and says, 'You're late.' (Second Person POV A/M pairing)

3. Chapter 3

You have no idea what to do when you hear her shift and sleepily groan in the room across from yours. When she tosses and turns and you can hear her cry out as if she's having a nightmare. No. She is having a nightmare but you are too big a coward to go and check. She gives a final terrified gasp and you are already up and about to open your door because you just can't listen to her like that anymore – and damned be the consequences. And you realize – as you can hear her covers shifting and she shoots up, panting – she had called out your name.

You have no idea what to do when she's panting like that, sounding so scared and broken – when she's having a nightmare because of you – and you dare not approach her because… Would that not only make it worse? Or are you being cowardly again because you cannot face her?

You have no idea what to do when you hear her stand up and slide open her door. You don't know what you are supposed to do when she takes such slow, unsure steps towards you room. But you still do not open the door even as she is standing in the hallway, so close.

If there was no door between you and her, you could reach out and brush her hair away from her face.

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You can see his shadow on the other side of the door. He is standing with his face cast down, his hand ready to slide it open but trembling slightly. Your heart soars for a moment as you think that he would be there to comfort you. You take a shaky breath. 'I dreamt that you were gone again.'

You can see his shadow move quickly, his head shooting up and a slight gasp making his shoulders move up and down very quickly. He is silent and you wonder for a moment if he wants nothing more but for you to just leave, but you step closer, until you are almost an inch away from the door, an inch away from him. You can almost feel his warmth through the paper and the wood and you smile slightly because you're happy. 'But when I woke up…' you say. 'You were right here, Aoshi-sama.'

You can see his shadow turn to face you through the door and you put a hand up and place it on the slightly translucent paper. He seems so close to you – yet so far away from you and you want nothing more than to have absolutely no distance between you and him at all. But that door keeps you away from him. His door. The door he was so close to opening just now. You can see him look down a little, his bangs falling forward. And then there is his hand pressed against where yours is resting on the paper of his door and you can feel his warmth. He speaks. 'I will not leave. I cannot leave. This…' he trails off, suppressed emotion in his voice. 'Misao… I… I apologize.'

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You cannot think of anything to say, so many things wanting to come out all at once. You know that a simple apology is not enough, that nothing you do will ever be enough. 'I'm sorry.' But apologizing is all you can do. What else could you do? You ask yourself. What else?

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Your voice shakes a little and you promise both yourself and him that you will not cry. 'Then why the door?' It's not just the door in front of you. It's his door. The door that he made for himself – the one that shuts in front of his beautiful blue eyes every time you call out for him.

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'I… Was going to go to you. But you woke up and it was no longer necessar-'

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'Please open it…' you say. 'If only for a moment.' Your voice shakes again and you are powerless to stop it.

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You cannot stand this. The door… You were going to open it – even if it killed you, damn it. You were going to open the door. She had just begged you. The door would be open and damn the consequences.

You cannot stand this, so you open the door.

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You are surprised when he opens the door so quickly that it hits the frame with a loud rattle, sounding so sharp in the tranquil night. He had just opened his door to you.

You are surprised when you see his eyes, so sad, so gentle so… Loving? You smile slightly. Ah, so that's what that look means, you think.

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You see her. Really see her. Not just her, standing there with an unkempt braid and too-small sleep yukata that's slipping off her shoulders. You see her – everything you've been trying to run away from. And then, instead of starting to run away again, instead of retreating into your shell again and closing the door, you step closer. 'Misao…'

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You see him. Truly see him. Not just him, standing there with wide eyes and somehow immaculate sleeping yukata, breathing quickly. You see what, who you've been chasing after all this time. And then instead of beginning to chase after his retreating back, you let him come to you. '...Aoshi-sama.'

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You move, rationality, calculatedness and impersonality having no place in your actions. You simply move because you want it, because she wants it, because moving is all you can do.

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You feel his warmth from inches away, so close that your clothing is touching but not your bodies. You will see things through to the end, because you want it, and finally he wants it too. He wants you.

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She is the first to reach for you, to grab you by the front of your yukata with a strange jerky movement, to pull you to herself, then to stand on tiptoe and press her mouth gently, unsurely to yours. She has no idea what she is doing, but at the same time she has every idea. And you let her.

She is the first to push you over your own threshold then follow soon after, stumbling in the almost impenetrable darkness of the room, and all you can see is her.

You want it to stay that way always. To be able to see each other with no inhibitions, to be able to truly look at each other.

Her name tastes sweet on your lips. 'Misao…'

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He is the first to pull away, and you are about to protest when you do not because you realize that he's only pulling away to kiss you more and to adjust his hold on you, to col his arm around your waist and draw you even closer. He does not take charge completely, but he guides you. And you let him.

He is the first to pull you down onto the futon somewhere in the stifling darkness, as he leans over top of you, the front of his yukata gaping open, all you can see is him.

You want it to stay that way always. To be able to see each other with no inhibitions, to be able to truly look at each other.

His name is the only thing you can gasp out. '…Aoshi-sama!'

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With this – you will never have to resort to the weakness of imagination.