CHAPTER 4: HERE'S YOUR TICKET, PACK YOUR BAG
***GWEN***
Even with our seatbelts on, we all swing around in the car as Go-Go swerves around the traffic. Soon, we lose sight of the Dark Elves - until they start firing their arrows through the cars around us, probably hoping to hit us. I try not to think about how many people could be getting hurt or killed by those things. The funny thing is, though, it seems the death toll from the Elves' arrows is all of zero. None of them actually pass through any people, if the lack of blood and guts emerging from the cars along with the arrows is anything to go by.
In fact, I come to suspect that they're missing things on purpose. They look like they could hit their targets every time if they wanted to, being supernatural abominations and all. But why would they…?
"Look ahead!" yells Wasabi, pointing frantically through the windshield.
"I see them!" Go-Go turns abruptly onto a different street, heading east. I catch a brief glimpse of a street sign and see that we're now on Cesar Chavez Street. Behind us, Dark Elves spill onto Cesar Chavez, coming off Mission from both north and south. Now that their distraction is over, they're not even trying to miss anymore. Every one of their arrows comes within a hair of striking the van. Our lives are pretty much in Go-Go's hands as she expertly uses them to drive us out of danger.
"Um...Go-Go," Honey says as we get onto 280, "where are we going?"
"To the airport, of course," Go-Go says.
"Are you crazy?" Honey cries. "We can't lead those things to the Bus! If they don't kill us, Coulson might!"
"We're too valuable for Coulson," Go-Go says. "And he's too good to kill anyone who isn't a bad guy."
Wasabi shakes his head. "I'm with Honey on this one. Those things are tryin' to kill us. What say we just stop here and make a stand?"
"You mean, fight the Dark Elves?" Fred asks. His grin expands. "Oh hell yeah. I'm game. Anyone else?"
"But...but we don't have any of our gear on us," Honey says. "Besides Go-Go, of course. And we got two civilians with us, so we can't-" She pauses, then looks into the backseat. "Gwen, Clint, what do you guys think?"
"What do we think?" I ask, flabbergasted. "We have absolutely no idea what to do!"
Clint nods energetically along with my words.
Honey turns back to Go-Go. "There you go. I say we make a break for it. The Bus has more than enough weapons to stop these Dark Elves anyway if we have to."
The van slows down a little bit - I guess Go-Go's taking a bit of pressure off the accelerator. "That's three in favor, three against," she says. "How do we break the tie, then?"
Fred bends down and grabs the little jointed robot, which has been sitting between his and Wasabi's seats this whole time. "Let's just ask Hiro's little Megabot thingy," he says, picking it up.
"Right," Clint laughs. "Go all Magic 8 Ball on that robot toy."
Fred ignores Clint and looks at the robot, doing his best to match its goofy painted-on grin. "Megabot, should we stop and fight the dreaded Dark Elves, or should we run to the Bus and fight them there?"
The robot's face spins around. Not its entire head, just its face, which switches the yellow grinny one for a nasty red one. Then it starts jumping all over Fred's head and shoulders, delivering vicious little robot-slaps everywhere it can reach. I start to laugh at the sight - clearly, the robot isn't actually hurting Fred, but it's still really funny to watch.
"Aaaugh!" Fred cries, trying to pull Megabot off of him. "Dude, Hiro, call it off already!"
I'm about to point out to Fred that Hiro's not here, but then Megabot ends its attack, sliding off Fred's face and onto his lap. Its face switches back to the grin, but then it inclines its head, as if in apology. It's hard to tell, though - the robot's expression and body language don't match up. Then again, the robot only has two faces to choose from anyway, and if it switches to the other one, apparently that means Attack Mode.
"All right," Wasabi says, picking Megabot up himself. "So is that a yes on the 'stop and fight' thing?"
Megabot's face changes back to the angry red one, and Wasabi drops it in horror. "No, no, no!" he yells rapidly. "Don't jump me!"
Another change of face for Megabot. "I wish this thing could talk," Fred groans. "Then we'd have an easier time tryin' to figure out what the heck it's sayin'."
Megabot crosses its stubby arms, then skitters over to Fred's window and starts tapping one of its metal hands rhythmically against the glass. "Is that Morse code?" I ask.
"I think so," Clint says. "I have no idea what it's saying, though. I can't understand Morse code. It always comes in way too fast. Like French."
"I know what you mean," I say, trying to listen to Megabot's tapping, but it's so fast I can't keep up with it. And I don't even know most of Morse code anyway, except for the three letters everyone knows: "· · · — · · ·" - that is, S.O.S.
Honey, however, seems to understand it pretty well. She grabs a notepad from the glove compartment and starts transcribing the message Megabot's been tapping out. "I only got a partial on that one, Hiro," she says when she's done. Curiously, she pronounces Hiro's name the Japanese way, with the "R" being halfway between an "R" and an "L." "Could you repeat that, please?"
Megabot starts tapping again, and Honey writes down more words on the notepad. "Okay, got it," she says. "Thanks."
Megabot jumps down into Fred's lap (Fred looks at it with a little bit of fear, as if he's afraid it'll go all angry-face on his family jewels) and takes a theatrical bow.
"So what did he say, Honey?" Go-Go asks.
Honey reads the message from the beginning. "'Don't fight. Bring the Elves to the Bus. We'll take 'em down there.' And I think the ''em' was supposed to be 'them,' but I never caught the whole word." She looks around and is met by blank faces from everyone behind her. "And that's not important," she adds.
Go-Go stomps on the gas again. "I hate runnin' from a fight," she groans.
I look around and see a single Dark Elf running down the freeway after us. It's not drawing back its bow to shoot anymore, probably so it can concentrate on keeping pace with us. These things are hella fast - maybe cheetah fast - but as long as Go-Go keeps her foot on the accelerator, we'll be giving it a decent challenge.
In no time, we're barreling down 101 and heading out of the city. I'm surprised we don't get pulled over by the CHP or anybody before we reach our final destination. I'm also very surprised when Clint and I discover what our final destination actually is.
"SFO? Are you kidding?" I ask as Go-Go drives off the freeway and heads for a back entrance to the airport.
"We aren't exactly ready for international travel here," Clint says. "Gwen, do you have your passport?"
I pat my pockets for emphasis as I say, "No."
"Relax," Fred says. "We're not gonna leave the country. Not yet, anyway."
"Then why are we about to catch a plane?" I ask, pointing to the big black jumbo jet sitting on the tarmac about a hundred feet ahead of us. Sitting, but not idling - I can hear its huge engines already fired up.
"That's our ride," Fred says.
"I thought you said we were gonna catch a bus," Clint says warily.
"This is the Bus," Go-Go says, gesturing through the windshield as she steers the van onto a ramp leading into the plane's loading bay. "Even after SHIELD fell, these guys still got the best of the best. Unless it's our tech, of course."
"Yes. Of course." Honey's voice takes on a sickeningly sweet tone. "Maybe one of us can invent a piece of tech that repairs broken car mirrors?" She points out her window, and the rest of us crane our necks to look. Sure enough, the side mirror on Honey's door is missing, possibly broken off during our run through the crowded San Fransokyo streets.
"I promised I'd get us all to the Bus in one piece," Go-Go says, turning the van off and picking up the sharp yellow disc she'd brought with her. "By that, I meant all us people." She glances down at Megabot, whose face starts to change. "And Megabot. I said nothing about-"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Honey says, waving her hands and grabbing her purse. "You're just lucky we're about to fight Dark Elves to the death, or I'd really let you know how seriously teed off I am right now."
She climbs out of the van, followed by the others. Clint and I hang back in the backseat, unsure of what to do. These guys clearly know what they're doing, getting suited up in crazy superhero-type outfits as they prepare for battle. I can even see Hiro hurriedly strapping on a dark purple armored suit and putting a similar red suit on his inflatable robot. Baymax, I think it was called. But wasn't it a medical robot? What's it doing getting ready to fight?
A loud rapping noise on the window startles Clint and me. Tadashi and Skye are both standing outside the van, holding a total of three guns between them. Two for Tadashi, one for Skye.
"Here," Tadashi says as I climb out, handing me the gun. "Don't worry, these things are specially designed. They'll work on anything, even Dark Elves."
I lift the gun in one hand, making sure to point it away from any humans. "What does it fire?" I ask. "Plain old bullets? Silver ones?"
"Icers, actually," Skye says. "Tranquilizers," she adds as I stare blankly at her. "We used to call 'em 'Night-Night Guns,' but that name kinda fell out of fashion, for obvious reasons."
"I dunno," Tadashi says, leveling his own Icer. "I still like the original name better."
"So do I," I say. "It makes more sense, given what it's used for." I look at Clint, who's halfway out the van door, one foot hovering over the floor. "Um, why is he still unarmed?"
"Oh, crap, I forgot," Skye says, smacking her forehead with her free hand. "Excuse me…" She goes into the back of another car - a black SUV sitting next to an old red Corvette - and extracts, of all weapons, a bow and a quiver full of arrows.
"Say what?" Clint asks, looking askance at the arrows. "I'm not exactly Katniss Everdeen here."
"Trust me, you're better than you know," Skye says. "I'll give you the same little mini-lecture I gave Peter - let your muscle memory guide you."
"What?" Clint looks shocked. "Peter can use this thing too?"
"Not exactly," Skye says. "But you saw him liftin' Baymax before, right?"
"I heard about it, but what does that have to do with - and hell," Clint says, looking around wildly, "where's Peter so he can tell me this himself?"
"If we survive this," Skye says, "the first thing we'll do is take you guys to Peter. Oh look, there's an Elf now!" She points out onto the tarmac, where a single Dark Elf, probably the same one that's been following us out of the city, is about to shoot an arrow. "Everyone stand back - this one's for Hawkeye!"
"Who's Hawkeye?" I ask.
"That's just what we call Clint here," Tadashi says, eyeballing Clint for a second.
"Me? What? But you guys don't even know me!"
"Shoot it!" Skye yells, pointing at the Elf again.
She doesn't need to tell Clint twice. He raises the bow, draws it back in only a couple of seconds, then fires. His arrow strikes the Elf right in the head, causing it to sink slowly to its knees, then collapse completely. Like a dead walker on The Walking Dead.
Clint looks at the bow, gasping and stuttering as he tries to speak. "How...h-how...how did I do that?" he asks.
"No time to explain," Tadashi says. "They're really comin' en masse now. Shoot first, ask questions later, guys!" He sticks his head out over the roof of Honey's van and fires his Night-Night Gun a few times. The two Elves nearest to the plane both get winged on the arm, but don't go down the way the other one did.
Not yet, anyway.
The rest of the job is taken care of by Hiro and all his friends. Hiro and Baymax fly around the Elves, running interference and providing a substantial target for their arrows. Fred is dressed as some kind of mini-Godzilla creature with a hole for a mouth, through which it actually breathes flames. It seems the Dark Elves don't like fire; they run screeching from every blast Fred sends their way. Wasabi has a pair of laser blades, one attached to each hand, and with these, he's able to literally cut down several Elves, usually at the knee, but sometimes at the waist. Go-Go, meanwhile, takes off more Dark Elf heads with her lethal discs.
Honey's weapon of choice, though, is the one I find the most impressive. Every so often, she taps her purse - at one point, she turns around, and I can see a light-up keyboard on the side. Then a bright neon-colored ball rolls out, and she throws it at a cluster of Dark Elves. The result is impressive, if disgusting - the balls explode into colorful, sticky goop, trapping the Elves like rats in the glue traps my parents used to buy for the house.
Between all of this, and the constant fire from the Night-Night Guns (and Clint's bow and arrows), the Dark Elves don't last very long in their assault. Within five minutes, the tarmac is littered with their corpses, not to mention soaked in blood, brain matter, and whatever Honey's balls of gunge are made out of.
"Everyone inside!" Skye orders as soon as there are no live enemies left to speak of. Once everyone's gathered back inside the cargo bay, Skye places a quick call to someone named Coulson - I remember Honey and Go-Go had mentioned the name before. Whoever he is, he's probably inside the plane, because as soon as Skye lets him know that the threat has been neutralized, the cargo bay ramp closes, sealing us inside. Then the plane takes off.
"Wait a minute," I ask. "Who's gonna clean up the mess we've just made?"
"We've got it covered, don't worry," Honey says. "My chemicals break down harmlessly within an hour or so."
Skye holsters her Night-Night Gun and points to a spiral staircase at the back of the room. "If you guys wanna see Peter and Tony," she says, "they're upstairs in the media room. I bet they've already started the movie by now, but you're welcome to join them. You've probably only missed the first couple of minutes anyway."
"What movie?" Clint asks.
"The Amazing Spider-Man 2," Hiro cuts in. "But not the Amazing Spider-Man 2 you guys might know. This one is literally out of this world."
I look up at Hiro, who's already halfway up the spiral steps. "I'm almost afraid to find out what that means," I say.
"Come on up and find out," Hiro says. "I'll lead the way."
"You're gonna watch that movie again?" Tadashi asks, raising his eyebrow.
"Why not? I love that movie." Hiro looks down at Wasabi, who's busy removing his laser gauntlets. "So do you, don't you? Electro is basically evil you!"
"Oh, what, just 'cause I'm a black guy who's into electric crap?" Wasabi rolls his eyes, but then grins at Hiro. "Want some popcorn?"
"Ranch powder and extra salt?"
Wasabi rubs his belly. "Dude, you read my mind. You sure that neural-cranial transmitter doohickey isn't rubbin' off on you?"
Hiro laughs and climbs all the way up to the top step. "Let's just get the snacks, buddy," he says.
Clint and I look at each other, shrug our shoulders, and follow Hiro and Wasabi upstairs. Hiro stops to point out the door to the media room before he and Wasabi detour over to the kitchen.
We step into the media room, and the first thing we see is Peter and Tony sitting next to each other in movie-theater-style reclining seats, complete with cup holders in the armrests. I then look past them and see the images on the screen. It's the first shot of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 to feature the title character, free-falling over the middle of New York before using his webline to swing out and start following an Oscorp truck hijacked by Russian mobsters.
It's a funny scene, and I laugh out loud when Spidey knocks on the driver's door, nonchalant as ever. Peter turns around and waves to me and Clint silently. He's not laughing - which is my first clue that something's wrong. Unless you don't have a sense of humor, there should be no reason for this scene not to leave you in stitches.
I take a seat next to Peter, with Clint coming in behind him. I'm tempted to ask what's going on, but that would mean talking over a movie, and I'm not that rude.
It's not long before I get a clue about why these people are having us watch this specific movie. Eventually, Spider-Man gets stuck to the front of the Oscorp truck, and he also gets a phone call. As he answers it, the scene shifts between Spidey and his girlfriend, who's waiting for him to show up at their high school graduation.
But it's not the same scene I remember. Sure, the settings are identical, but the dialogue has a couple of noticeable differences. Mostly when Spidey and his girl address each other by name - calling each other not Cade and Sarah, but Peter and Gwen.
And there's also the fact that the girl on the other end of the phone call - the girl who happens to share a name with me - is so very obviously not being played by Jennette McCurdy. She's blonde, sure, but her hair is lighter and straighter. And she's not quite as full-figured.
In fact, she looks exactly like me.