Chapter 6

Hello again,

This blog is sponsored by the letters S and M and the number 69. Wouldn't that make you spit your double mocha latte out while getting ready for work? Can you see your pre-schoolers now?

I think Sesame Street is a little dirty anyway. I mean Prairie Dawn is such a ho!!

Well, okay…so I have nothing much to say so I'll tell you a story. My version of the Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time…

I had three rotten assed snot nosed brats and a clueless, pain in the assed husband.

(So it's not a fairy tale, this is real life people!!)

No, okay…here goes…

A couple of years ago my boys were 19 and 15. They both decided that it was time to have sex.

IN MY HOUSE !!

Oh and…EWWWW !!

So I am supposed to meet with my editor to discuss some things with my blog. I should have been out of the house all day and GOD HELP ME, I wish I would have been. The kids were at school except for my oldest that was in college and didn't have any classes that day but was supposed to be studying.

Well, the meeting was cancelled because my editor was sick from her chemo.

Public Announcement: EVERYONE should donate money to Breast Cancer Research and Prevention!!

Anyway, so I get home and on my way I stopped by our favorite diner and picked up Cam's favorite. The #7 with No onions. (Actually it is all of my boy's favorite because my two little angels want to be just like their Dad). I, on the other hand, got a slice of the double chocolate cake. They make the worlds best double chocolate cake !!

So I go into the game room thinking I'd find my sweet innocent curly headed son studying like a good boy for his test the next day in Biophysics or writing his essay that was due in his European History class.

Well, he was studying biology. And he was doing an ORAL presentation!!

Yep, my son and his little girlfriend, who decided it would be a good day to skip school and tarnish my boy, were doing the horizontal mambo on one of the many, many Murphy beds my husband thought was a fabulous idea to provide our teenagers and all of their friends in their game room to have sex on. He is SUCH and idiot face!

(Oh, I have to interject something here. I want the word idiot-face to become popular. It describes every man I know from one time or another. Girls, let's get the wave going. I want it to be said on the Oprah Show by summer. K? K! )

Anyway, where was I…OH YEAH. An Oral Exam !!

Needless to say, the #7 hit the floor and all the chocolate cake in the world was not going to remove the image that was tattooed permanently in my brain. Hell, I can still see it. Cam was wearing his favorite Citizen Aqualand Promaster Eco-drive watch that I bought him for his birthday the month prior and nothing else and neither was his girlfriend.

To make matters worse, the boy thought he could come and talk to me without even going and brushing his teeth or gargling with Pine Sol or... I could not look at him. His mouth was all…UHHGGGG!! So I hid in my office until my husband came home.

He tried to reason with me. Yeah right. Why did I have to see my son doing THAT!! Do teenagers really do THAT? I thought that was something you heard about in your twenties and tried. I know I never did THAT and certainly never had it done to me until…(have I told you guys what a stud my husband is…NO, of course he wasn't the first ever to do THAT but certainly the best. winks)

So then, we are sitting at the dinner table eating a perfectly nice pot roast I had put in the crock pot that morning back when all things were right with the world. I cannot even look at my oldest. He cannot look at me and Jason and Jacob think the whole damn thing is hilarious.

Those Rat Bastards !!

Poor Ella, the 13 year old doesn't know what's going on and decides she's going to try to flesh out the tension. Out of my sweet little girls mouth comes… 'Is everything okay? Mwam, you look like you just watched a horror film and Cam, you look like you just ate the poisoned apple.'

Did she know?...Certainly the boys and MOST certainly her father hadn't said anything to her. She just got lucky that the words out of her mouth were so friggin on target it was eerie.

Jason and Jacob, of course, just about fell on the floor laughing. MEN!!

So, to try to take the heat off of him and only serve the purpose of making matters worse, Cameron shoves his whole size thirteen shoe in his mouth and starts World War MMDCLXXII (that's 2,672 for those of you who don't have a converter on hand and yes, our house is always a battlezone in a World War)

Cameron Alexander Webber Morgan, my eighteen year old, had the nerve to say… 'Shut up Jake, you did it too!!'

Well that shut the hubby up for a minute. Yes, both of us jumped to the same wrong conclusion you are thinking. We thought that Cameron's girlfriend was the town tramp and she was giving our sons the family rate. A two'fer, if you will.

But NOOOOOOOO!!

My innocent little fifteen year old, trying to dig out from under the pile of crap his brother had just loaded on top of him proudly announced… 'It was a blow job and Sarah Zacharra did it !!'

Well YIPPEE!! I would have rathered that Cam's girlfriend had given them a two'fer.

First of all, once my idiot of a husband heard that, he seemed right pleased with his boy. I think he performed the ritual burp, grunt and scratch in honor of hearing that his two sons were men now. Then, seeing my face and realizing my blood pressure had just skyrocketed to heart attack levels, he dismissed me with a wave of his hand like the good little wifey that I am.

BULLSHIT !!

Sarah Zacharra WAS the town tramp. She was three years older than my middle child and the daughter of two of the most despicable people that ever dragged their knuckles across the face of this earth. One's the father of one of my ex-husbands but that just brings the whole point home, doesn't it?

I exploded. I raged for ten minutes to those boys that they were wrong and disgusting and OH they had ruined Pot Roast as a family meal forever.

No, I DO NOT make pot roast for my family anymore in fear that dinner conversational themes like the one I was subjected to and admissions like the one I was forced to face were somehow manifested in the enzymes of the meat or the combination of the foods creating some sort of "Kill your mother dead" evil spirits or endorphins..

I know what you are thinking and YES I know that I am not a rational person sometimes. Sex is natural and kids are going to experiment. BUT NOT WITH SLUTTY LITTLE SARAH ZACHARRA!!

Oh and I didn't tell you that a long, long time ago Sarah Zacharra's mother was throwing herself at my husband every time he turned around.

The sluttly little acorn didn't fall far from the slutty assed tree.

My husband was able to fend off the evil clutches of the uber- wench but he was single and we were apart and…she is so friggin lucky. And so is he. He would have had to bleach himself or disinfect himself or…UGH!!

And my poor little boy…tainted, spoiled, corrupted, ruined by that nasty little HO!

To top this story off and end it with a bang, I was then forced to the kitchen with my 13 year old, very impressionable " her brothers can do no wrong and neither can her father" daughter explaining what a blow job was and talking about how nice girls don't do that sort of thing.

Well of course we do but she was THIRTEEN ! Perspectives people!!

Meanwhile, my boys, all three little pigs, are in the dining room huffing and puffing and high fiving and grunting and burping and…BOYS SUCK !!

Finally my husband and I go to bed that night. (Of course he didn't get any…I was sooooo pissed!!) We talked. His idea of how to handle the situation is to tell me that he and his boys were going fishing that weekend for "The Talk".

Well isn't that just sunshiny and zip-a-dee-doo-dah terrific.

First, he should have already HAD that talk. He said he had but he was just taking them for some male bonding and making sure to emphasize and reiterate the do's and don'ts of sex and the opposite gender and No means No and all that happy horse shit!

Well that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that he was going to file police charges against the slutty little ho that deflowered my fifteen year old. I wanted to hear how he was going to scrub my eighteen year olds mouth out with soap for doing things that he wasn't supposed to be doing yet and NOT IN MY HOUSE! I wanted to hear how both of my boys were on punishment and were no longer allowed to see, talk or touch anything with the X chromosome aside from me and their sister. I wanted him to send them to an all boys school until…(okay death would be pretty strong to insert here but…Oh, I know) until I, their loving, smart, knows what's best for them, mother can find nice girls from good families that are virgins and never been kissed that went to school with Catholic nuns for them to marry after a long courtship. A courtship with no breaking of chastity vows.

Nope, my sexist husband said that his boys were fine and right on track and that he wasn't raising no "Daisy Pickers" (Like picking flowers has anything to do with our boys being little horndogs).

Until I loaded the big guns and reminded him that what his oldest was doing to his girlfriend was done on the very same beds that his sweet, innocent little doe eyed girl slept on when she had her slumber parties.

Backfired, to an extent. He didn't get mad or even reverse some of his already pigheaded decisions. He simply went and called his friend and at two in the morning went about putting locks on all of the Murphy beds where only he had the key.

Way to solve the problem there JACKASS!!

To him, slumber parties for your friends were one thing but sex with your girlfriend in the room or on the bed where his little girl played was out of the question. I believe his exact words were, 'get it in the back seat of his car like normal teenagers'.

Yep, that's my husband. OH I KNOW YOU WANT HIM NOW!!

And that's MY version of The Three Little Pigs. Jason, Cam and Jake

The End

Isn't it just sad. I can see all of you girls shaking your heads in disgust while your husbands are scratching their heads wondering what the fuss is. Evolution has not pulled us from the dark ages. Men still think they should be able to club women over the head and toss them over their shoulders, carrying them back to their cave while their knuckles scrape the ground. It's disgusting!

Until next time…

Humbly Yours,

Grumbles

...

Elizabeth hit send and went to pick up the phone to call her editor, Sue (A Survivor), when she heard the commotion. It sounded like the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the house was literally rattling from the slamming of a door. She could hear muffled yelling and placed the phone back on its cradle and went in search of her husband who could be heard for miles.

"I WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT!" Elizabeth heard her husband yelling as she opened the door to the game room where Jake, Jack, JJ, Gino and Kobe were all sprawled out on the couches, chairs and floor playing Madden Football on PS3.

"What's going on?" Elizabeth asked as she noticed the terrified look on all of the boys' faces and the look she had only seen a few times on her husband. It was the look she saw when Sorel had accosted her on the docks. It was the look he had when Ric Lansing had made the mistake of talking to Elizabeth when she was pregnant with Jake and Jason slammed him against the railing, nearly choking the life out of him. It was terrifying and she knew what it meant.

"Babe, get out of here. Me and these boys have something to discuss." Jason said pointing a finger at his wife.

Elizabeth knew he had just come from the school. He had an after school meeting with the principle to discuss whatever Jake was in trouble for. However, her husband was not kicking the boys out or even yelling at his son. He was spitting mad at the Tree Fort Gang.

"Wait! What happened at the school?" Elizabeth demanded.

"Your son was in a fight the other day." Jason said offhandedly as if it was no big deal.

"Jacob Martin, you know better than to be fighting in school. Who were you fighting with?" Elizabeth admonished her son because she knew her husband wouldn't do it.

"Mal" Jake spoke up.

"I knew there was something wrong. What in the world were you fighting with your best friend about?" She asked as she walked into the game room and went over toward her middle child.

Before Jake could open his mouth, Jason interjected. "Elizabeth, I SAID go somewhere else. I'll handle this."

Elizabeth crossed her arms across her chest and waited for one of her two men to explain. That man had some nerve demanding she leave the room. This wasn't the dark ages. She wasn't the 'Little Woman'. Well, she was but that was only because she was five foot two and an hundred and ten pounds. She was tiny.

Yep, she would be the Tiny Woman but not the Little Woman. And Jason Morgan better get a clue and soon.

"He's my son too Jason and I want to know why he was fighting with his best friend at school. Does this have anything to do with Mal asking Ella to the dance?"

"No" Jake said in a voice that was barely audible. He peered up to see his father's disgusted face from the corner of his eye.

"It should have been but no. This is about you Elizabeth and the way these boys…" Jason growled as he pointed at the crowd of boys that were now gathering up their stuff and heading toward the door "seem to think it's okay to disrespect you."

"What? These boys wouldn't…" Elizabeth was cut off by her son.

"Mwam, please don't ask and Dad, it wasn't them. I know it was Mal's buddies on the track team.

"Well if it was his buddies then why fight with Mal?" Elizabeth asked, completely ignoring her husband's request to leave and her son's request to not ask. "I want an answer from you two. What the hell is this about? How are boys at your school disrespecting me?"

Jason scrubbed a hand over his face. His wife was like a persistent gnat when it came to these things. She never let up. He should have talked her out of journalism because it taught her to hound people like a reporter until she got her story.

"The boys at school call you a MILF and before you say anything," Jason held up his hand "I don't blame Jacob one bit for beating the hell out of Malcolm. Anyone that is going to speak that way about you deserves to have his nose broken. Since I can't do it without going to jail, I see that it is only fitting that Jacob beat the living shit out of every dumbass punk that thinks it's okay to speak that way about you. Or even THINK IT!! STARTING with these guys right here. His so called friends."

Jason finished by stepping in front of the crowd of boys, effectively stopping them from exiting the house to safety.

Ella and Anna walked in just at that moment and looked around in disbelief.

"You didn't tell her did you?" Ella asked looking at her brother who was still slumped over his gaming chair with his head in his hands.

Jake looked up and saw his sister and her best friend and laughed. "No but DAD sure did."

"Daddy it will be in her blog next week. That's why Principle Baldwin called YOU to see him." Ella ticked her hip out and cocked her hand on it while flipping her hair over her shoulders in a ridiculous display of condemnation.

"You know about this Princess?" Jason's eyes widened and he turned two shades of red darker.

"Everyone knows about it Mr. Morgan. Only the parentals were never supposed to find out." Anna shot a glare over at Jake who she blamed for starting all of this. Had he not started the fight in the locker room during 4th period gym class then the coach wouldn't have seen the writing on the wall that had actually been there since Cameron was in school.

Everyone in school knew that Mrs. Elizabeth Webber-Morgan was HOT. Not only was she hot but she liked sex. She liked sex in all kinds of ways, places and positions.

Elizabeth Morgan was a MILF.

"What in the world is a MILF? And why should I be offended by being called one?"

The whole room turned and looked at her. Could she really be that clueless? She was supposed to be a writer and a writer is supposed to be proficient in the use of languages and sayings and ebonics and slang. SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A MILF WAS?

"What? Why are you all looking at me like that?" Elizabeth felt a blush steel across her cheeks.

Ella decided she would be the one to clue her mother in.

"Mwam, a MILF is a Mother I'd Like to Fu…"

"PRINCESS!" Jason stopped her before she finished that statement.

"Fuck?" Elizabeth squeaked. Jason gave an affirmative nod. "Oh my GOD. And you all call me that behind my back?" She asked looking at the boys who were now all very interested in their shoe laces.

"Yeah but it's been going on for years. Cam beat the snot out of Ralphie Baker in the tenth grade." Ella reasoned as if the moniker wasn't so rude after all.

"And Morgan beat up Jimmy Perez and that kid from Crimson still has scars from when Joey got a hold of him." Jake chimed in.

"And don't forget Kobe here," Gino added in, "he almost got arrested over Petey Janizewski when he said something after the football game."

"Or when Jack tackled Tony Lansing" Anna offered.

"No that was over Georgie" JJ interjected.

"Uh huh" Jack was shaking his head no. "That was over Ella. That little punk needs to be swimming with the fishes Stone Cold."

Jason nodded his head in approval that whatever Tony said or did, and he would definitely be finding out, his friend's son had defended her. "So does his father for that matter" Jason added in to the topic giving a glance at his wife.

Ella and JJ's heads snapped to Jack when he mentioned Ella because they had never heard what truly happened and apparently had been lied to for some reason regarding the situation. Then JJ gave a longing look at Ella to which Jason caught and stepped within his sight line and glared disapprovingly. JJ snapped back to attention and stammered "Of course Jake is lucky he's not splitting rocks at Pentonville after hospitalizing that Buttafuoco kid from Jersey. He must have really had something to say about you Mrs. Morgan."

"Nope, that was about Farah" Anna corrected.

"NO IT WASN'T!" Gino said with an "are you for real" look on his face as he shook his head no. "If that would have been about my sister, do you think that kid would have made it to a hospital and not gone directly to the morgue? That time was about Cece Jacks and Jake knows it."

"What?" Jason turned to his son. "Is this true? Why haven't I heard about this son? I am proud of you but Cece…well…I am proud of you. Buttafuoco…is that?"

"A cousin…not the son or anything." Kobe confirmed. "It was after the tri-city playoffs and Cece was cheering. That night…remember Mr. Morgan…we had to go back and get Jake's car the next day."

"You told me that you had had a few beers" Jason stated then cringed knowing his wife would be asking about her son drinking beer and him not caring or whatever she was going to accuse him of.

"Well, I could not go to my car because I was afraid either the police would arrest me or the whole basketball team from Jersey High would have jumped me. Not that I was scared but…"

"Yeah, coach just made him ride the bus back with all of us. He sat in the back and consoled Cece the whole ride" Kobe teased.

Ella put her arm around Anna knowing that the sting of what she had just heard tore at the girl's heart once again. Anna looked up through her bangs at Jake but if he noticed her sorrowful look, he sure didn't react to it in any way that would indicate to Anna that he was sorry or that he had any interest in her. Unrequited love was a bitch.

Elizabeth was reeling. She could not figure out where to begin. Millions of ideas and questions were popping into her brain all at once. Then suddenly…

"WAIT! Mal? Little Malcolm Robert Drake called me that?" Elizabeth looked over at her son.

"No but he didn't defend you either. He…he…" Jake stammered, not wanting to finish his sentence.

"He what?" Jason asked, now clearly as curious as Elizabeth was that caused Jacob to hit his best friend.

"He FUCKING AGREED!!"

"JACOB" his mother once again admonished his foul language even though he knew she wasn't above using the word herself on quite a few occasions.

Jake stood, now clearly pissed off all over again about his best friend's behavior. "He wasn't going to punch the guy so when I started for his jugular Mal held me off and said that it wasn't his fault and that everyone thought that way and that it wasn't like it wasn't true. Dad I just freaking lost it. I mean…Mal…and Mwam…and…and then not thirty minutes later I come out to the parking lot to find that scum with his hands all over Mwam."

"WHAT?...HE'S A DEAD MAN. ANNA, TELL YOUR BROTHER HE'S A DEAD MAN." Jason barked. "Why didn't you tell me Malcolm was pawing you Babe?"

"He wasn't pawing me Jason. He was keeping me from giving your best friend my own version of a facial peel."

"Well, I don't want any of these little maggots touching you." Jason announced. "Jake, you and your friends have done the right thing. If there is anything I have taught you, it's to defend women. Especially your mother and your sister. I knew there had been something. The Three Musketeers got into too many fights with other kids about your mother but I never knew exactly why. Cam always just shrugged it off and said don't worry about it, they took care of it. Now I see you guys have been defending my wife's honor for a while. Thank you."

(OH I should tell you… The Three Musketeers was Cam, Morgan and Joey. Inseparable.)

Jason went to shake everyone's hand. He clasped on to JJ's a little harder than he should have but JJ needed to also be reminded that HE was Ella's father and SHE was off limits.

He finally came to put his arm around his son, who, at five foot ten, was two inches shorter than him. They both blamed it on Elizabeth. She argued it must be in the Q blood because her Little Cam was one inch TALLER than Jason.

"So that's it?" Elizabeth gawked, astonished that her husband seemed perfectly fine with the fact that all those little horny fuckers were calling her a MILF which was disgusting.

"Babe, it's not like we can change anything. Knowing that these fine young men are handling it as it comes is the only solution I can see. I would handle it the same way if I were them. As long as the girls don't get involved…"

"Oh but Mr. Morgan, Ella HAS. But not about Mrs. Morgan. About YOU" Anna let the words fly out of her mouth before she could get her cotton candy pink painted hands up to stop them.

Ella turned an icy glare at her best friend and mumbled in a whisper "Shut UP!"

Anna took two steps away from her friend because she knew she was going to get clobbered.

"What about me?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, what are you talking about honey?" Elizabeth asked as she heard every person in the room under the age of twenty groan.

"Weeeellllll…." Anna drawled, twisting her fingers together and rocking back and forth. "Mr. Morgan, you are a SPILF"

"What the hell is a SPILF?" Jason asked, incredulous that HE was being called names amongst the teenagers. Other than, "Dangerous" or "Killer" or "Stonecold", all of which he knew was brandied about by every resident of Port Charles for the last quarter of a century.

Anna steeled herself and lifted her chin. She was so much like her mother that way and Jason couldn't help but flash images of when he and Robin first met on the old bridge when he looked at Anna. "You are a Sexy Papa I'd Like to Fuck and Ella here put gum in Ansley Wilson's hair because of it."

And that was it. Elizabeth was no longer mad or concerned or even upset in the least. Her husband was a SPILF and she now had her whole blog for next week written in her head. She laughed uncontrollably and walked out of the game room and headed for her office. Maybe she could work that little goody into two week and she could take a vacation.

LIFE IS GOOD !!