This, I suspect, was the controversial chapter that warranted my fanfic removal, for aving adult content which was obviously too explicit (even though I posted it under M, and there are plenty of things out there in other fandoms which are way more explicit, but that's life.. In answer, I have massively edited out the part I was most proud of. In fact, when I posted the original chapter, I had several positive reviews. One reviewer even said I hit the balance perfectly, so needless to say I was quite proud of my work - and then quite upset when it was subsequently removed without so much as a reason...(The reason given was actually " " I am not kidding.)

If you wish to see my original chapter, let me know via pm.

This is Chapter 4 revised. Hope it warrants no more removal. If it does I will be unhappy, to say the least.

This contains mild adult suggestions, but nothing explicit (hopefully by ffn standards anyway). It also swaps back and forth between Willow and Thom's POV in this fashion:

Thom's POV

.

Willow's POV

.

Thom's POV

and so forth.

Willow learns something important...and Thom does too.

"A drink, Your Highness?"

With a smile I accepted the glass of apple juice, casting a restless gaze around the room. It had been only an hour and already I'd danced with three people. Two of them had not even been Tortallan – a lot of foreign knights and dignitaries had travelled to Tortall for the coronation. Sighing inaudibly to myself, I smoothed a non-existent wrinkle out of the skirt of my gown. The only reason I was here was because I had to be here. I couldn't really use the excuse of mourning for much longer. Besides, as time wore on, I realised that it was getting easier and easier to wall off my pain. There wasn't really grief any longer, or numbness. I just felt…empty.

A flash of copper appeared before me as a man bowed. I blinked, staring at the man who presented himself to me. "Your Highness. Might I be honoured with a dance?"

I was so astonished that I had no other option than to accept his request. Dumbly I rose, letting him lead me out onto the floor as a new tune was struck.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed to Thom, finally plucking up the courage to speak to him.

The sorcerer shrugged. "I realised that I had no interest in being alone tonight, when I could mingle with others my age," he replied, twirling me carefully around.

"Forgive me for being blunt, but you told me once that you don't like others of your age," I replied, trying to keep the irritation off my face.

Thom made no reply except to dip his head in acknowledgement. "Very well. I came to accept your request earlier. Since you were at the court ball I decided to kill two birds with one arrow."

"You can't shoot," I replied. How was it so easy to slip into the easy banter we had once shared? "And what was the other bonus you got from this?"

An odd look crossed his face briefly. I was startled to realise that it was actually a grin of mischief. "A dance." He let go so suddenly that I was taken aback. It took me a moment to realise that the dance was over.

But Thom wasn't finished. As I continued to eye him, he scooped my hand up in his. "Princess," he said, bowing and kissing the back of my hand. Then he let go, slipping into the crowd, leaving me staring after him.

"Willow?"

At the name I turned, the world rushing back to me. Jon eyed me with interest, is wine in one hand, my apple juice in the other. He offered the drink to me.

With a nod of thanks I accepted it, lifting the beverage to my lips. The liquid made a cool path down my throat. "I don't know what he's playing at," finally I murmured.

"Does that worry you?" Jon wanted to know.

"Honestly? Yes," I sighed. "I thought I had Thom's measure."

Jon turned to look where Thom had vanished into the crowd. "I don't think anyone has his measure," he replied quietly. "And you never told me what you two were talking about on Balor's Needle this afternoon."

"Not here Jon," I said softly. "Later, I promise."

Jon slid an arm around my shoulders, effectively preventing any further requests to dance – a gesture I was grateful for. "I'll hold you to that," he said simply.

The ball lasted most of the evening, but Jon and I left early, both citing exhaustion and responsibilities – we both had been seeing to a lot of planning and meetings surrounding the coronation, and as such had a lot of work to do. But of course, we didn't leave early to get some much-needed rest. Instead Jon and I walked to my quarters, chatting amiably of this and that. It was only in my room that he turned to more pressing matters.

"There's been word of Alanna."

"Oh?" I inquired, my interest spiking. It had seemed liked years since either of us had spoken to her, and I knew that it had been long enough for Jon to regret his actions in the previous year. "Where is she?"

"I have actually been keeping up to date with her actions," Jon said. I nodded – after becoming the Voice of the Bazhir, he had pretty frequent updates on our favourite lady knight. "The last news I received was that she was on her way to the Roof of the World."

"Is she hunting something?" I asked.

Jon nodded. "Coram said she seeks the Dominion Jewel."

My eyes widened. The Jewel was a fable, but a true fable nonetheless. It had helped build Tyra all those years ago. "Well," I finally managed to say, "if she brings it back then it would be a great boost to Tortall."

"I know," Jon replied softly. "People are scared."

"I go to court as much as you do Jon. I can see that they're scared."

"No." Jon lifted his gaze to look at me. "The people of Corus. The commoners. The merchants. They're scared."

I laid my hand on his. "What do you want me to say, Jon?" I asked softly. "Of course they're scared. Thom shouldn't have done what he did. He shouldn't have been able to." Tears pricked my eyes, but I checked them – the time for crying was long past.

"You love him, don't you."

I pulled away to stare at Jon in astonishment. Jon didn't seem to notice my reaction – his tired gaze was on the flames I my fireplace, his expression weary. It was as I was opening my mouth to deliver an angry retort that I realised that it had been a statement not a question. At the realisation I let out a sigh, instead letting my head fall. "I don't know. Maybe." My voice was muffled. "I mean, I do care about him. I wish he wasn't alone all the time. Even he doesn't deserve that."

Jon acknowledged my answer with a nod, then asked, his voice still quiet, "Does he know?" When I shook my head, he said, "You should tell him."

"I can't." It's too soon. I need space. He needs space." My breath hitched lightly. "It wouldn't be right."

Jon turned to me at my last sentence, raising a brow. "Right to you, or to the court?" When I didn't answer, he slipped an arm around my shoulders. "I didn't know you were one to worry about the court." His voice was now gently teasing. When I remained silent he sighed heavily. "Stop hiding behind your excuses. Thom won't be around for long to hear you."

"You say that as if he's dying," I grumbled, leaning into my brother's hug.

"Well, we don't live forever," Jon replied. "And, to be quite honest, Thom isn't looking so healthy anyway. Better safe than sorry. Besides, I think this may be the only time you will get before things start to heat up again. It's better that he knows than you taking your secrets to the grave."

The great bell tolled, cutting our discussion short. With a sigh Jon rose, stretching lightly. I followed suit, then embraced his firmly. Jon returned the hug just as fiercely. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said softly.

"Good night Jon," I replied simply, kissing him on the cheek. He smiled and let himself out.

I don't know how long I sat there after Jon had left, pondering his words, but after a long while it finally occurred to me to shut and lock the door to my quarters. I did so, then glanced at one of my chairs. "How long were you there?"

"I left you and your brother some privacy." Violet fire sparkled slowly as Thom dropped his invisibility spell, revealing a pale face and bags under his eyes indicating many a sleepless night.

"I suppose we should be glad for that," I replied, dropping into my chair, my voice carefully neutral.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked quietly.

I rose, feeling older than ever, then walked into my bedroom, beckoning Thom to join me. Once inside, I shut and locked that door, then snapped my fingers. Sapphire fire flared over the walls, window, and door.

"Those are powerful wards," Thom commented, his expression wary. He sat down on the bed when I indicated, then asked, "What is so important that cannot be said in the other room?"

"Of course they're powerful wards – Jon helped me look them up and make them," I replied, sitting on the chair at my dresser. I turned the chair so I was facing him. "And we're not in the other room because what I have to say is private and not for any other ears."

"You don't trust the privacy of your own chambers?" Thom's gaze was sharp.

"Thom, I don't trust a great many things at this time, and with good reasons. It's why the wards on this room are of my own making, not of a palace mage. I can never be too careful."

Thom favoured my answer with a short nod, then returned to the topic at hand. "So, what was it that you had to go to such lengths to tell me?"

I bit my lip. The easy part had been organising the meeting, but now that we were both together, I had no idea what to say. There were so many things I wanted to know but had no idea how to ask about.

"Why did you do it Thom?"

I didn't know who was more surprised by the question, him or me. At last Thom recovered. "I had to."

"No you didn't," I argued softly.

"I may not have wanted to," Thom replied, as quiet as I was, "but I said I could." I had to laugh at that. "Trapped by your own tongue, Trebond." The words were hard and bitter, and Thom flinched at my tone.

"I'm sorry. I know it may mean even less than it helps, but I'm so, so sorry."

And thus the roles were reversed, I thought bitterly. The one once being apologised to was the one who was sorry now. This time I managed to halt the laughter rising to my throat. A tear did hit my hands, surprising me – I thought I'd cried myself dry.

"Willow…" A hand, out of the corner of my eye. I held absolutely still as if I wasn't aware of his motions. Suddenly the fingers clenched, and retreated, and I silently cursed. Goddess, this was messed up. We were both messed up.

"Where have you been Thom?" I finally managed to ask, regaining my composure. "Why have you locked yourself away?" I swallowed. "Even with things the way they are…It was nice, to see you around occasionally. But now you've just…disappeared."

"I've been busy. Research and such."

This time I didn't miss the tremor in his voice. Frowning, I looked at him, seeing more clearly the paleness of his face, his bloodshot eyes, his trembling hands. Without a second thought I reached for his forehead with my hands and Gift.

Thom's face went tight and he yanked away, but it was too late. "Great Merciful Mother, Thom! What's happened to you?" I gasped, feeling the heat linger long after he'd pulled away.

Thom shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "Nothing."

"That is not nothing," I exclaimed, shock and concern making me angry. When he didn't respond I glared at him. "Why haven't you spoken to anyone about this? How long have you had these symptoms?"

Thom looked down at the same time as the answer hit me, draining my anger away to nothing. "Ever since you raised Roger." My soft words were a statement, not a question.

"It's nothing. Most probably a side effect of…the experiment. I'll find a cure soon," Thom answered to the floor.

"If it's been this long then you need help." I bit my lip, then ploughed on, Roger or no Roger. "Two heads are better than one, Thom. Let me help you."

His head shot up, and I saw a shadow of the temper that Alanna was famous for. "I don't need help." He made to get up.

Anger at his stubbornness and pride made me snap, "Master Lord Thom of Trebond, sit down." When he ignored me, I pointed, speaking firmly. Sapphire fire wrapped around him, yanking him backwards towards the bed. I met him stare for stare as our Gifts battled for dominance. "Let. Go." His words lashed at me through gritted teeth.

"No," I responded, just as flat.

As if on cue, his Gift blazed brightly – then shattered in coloured sparks. Thom sat – or rather, fell – back onto the bed. I stared at him in astonishment.

I had won.

That knowledge alone sent a shill down my spine – Thom must be really bad if a novice like me could get the better of him. After a long cold silence, Thom sat up slowly. His face was even paler than before – a feat in itself – and his expression was drained. "How did-" His words faltered as he swayed.

"I think you know the answer to that already, Thom," I replied softly, holding his gaze with my own.

"I'm fine," he repeated, looking away again. He sounded softer now. Less certain.

"And my brother is the Lord of Port Cayn," I retorted. "Thom, please," I added, faltering. "It's bad. As a healer, I tell you now, it's really bad. If you will not accept the help of other healers and mages, at least accept mine. Don't do this to yourself."

"Do what? I'm…I'm fine."

"Don't give me that claptrap," I snapped, close to tears. "Dammit Thom, do not push me away! You need this! I need this! I need you!"

It was only when the words echoed like a stone falling down a well that I began to become aware of what I had said. Thom was staring at me now, for a different reason. Shaking, I met his stare, knowing that my own cheeks were pink. It had not been the way I'd intended to tell him, but then again I'd never really decided how to tell him, and suddenly I was glad that he knew.

"Ever since…ever since you answered back to me, Thom, the potential for a friendship was there. It may have been rocky, but it was there. There is something more there now, Thom. You now it as well as I. Look at me," I added, as he averted his gaze. "Look at me!" I grabbed his chin with my fingers, forcing his gaze back to mine. "Thom, I don't know what it is that's there, but by the Mother I will chase it, because it deserves a chance. I deserve that chance. You deserve that chance. We deserve that chance. Because I care about you, and I know that if I pursue it, that it could be something more. And I…I want that. Because I think that…I think that I might love you."

My impromptu speech was met with silence as we both slowly processed my words. "I love you," I repeated slowly, tasting each sound, then laughed softly, startling myself. "Goddess, I think I love you, and I never knew."

Thom kissed me. His lips pressed to mine as if we'd done it all our lives. It was for a startling moment that he expressed his true feelings, then suddenly he yanked away, averting his gaze. "I'm sorry – I shouldn't have-"

I leaned forward and kissed him back.

.

Her lips were soft and gentle, but the kiss itself was hungry, fiery, sudden. When I tried to pull away she leaned in closer, fighting to stay connected. Eventually I realised that she wasn't going to give up on this. On me.

On us.

And so I surrendered to the moment and returned the warmth of her kiss, the sweetness of her mouth, brushing my tongue over her lips.

.

I didn't sense the moment when Thom surrendered to what was happening. It was a gradual change more than a sudden shift. But gradually, he stopped fighting what everything had been building up to. His hand drifted up to cup my face. I felt his tongue glide over my lips, and in answer parted them slightly. Our tongues tangled together as he pulled me closer, deepening the kiss. His soft sigh I echoed, his sweetness of breath I accepted and returned with sweetness of my own.

.

Her breath was sweet, her tongue soft and pliable. I'd discovered that 'd liked the past few kisses we had shared and was all too eager to learn more. Without thinking I took her lower lip between my teeth, tugging gently. At her soft gasp I tilted her head further, deepening the kiss even more, shivering lightly at her moan.

.

I didn't notice when Thom started unlacing the bodice of my gown, but I did realise that he had when he suddenly pulled away. I looked up at him, startled, our breathing harsh – we'd been kissing for quite a while now.

"I'm sorry." Thom was red. "I wasn't thinking, and we got carried away-"

I cut him off by catching his hand in mine and lifting it to the partially undone laces again. His gaze, when it shot up, was startled. "Willow-" he began, then paused, unsure of what to say.

"Don't think," I whispered softly. "That's a good idea." Not waiting for an answer, I kissed him again, relishing the warmth of his lips. I heard Thom groan softly as he again surrendered to the flow. When he'd completely unlaced the gown, he stopped again, staring at me. "You're shaking. You're scared."

At his observation, my own eyes widened. Thom let go, drawing back. "We shouldn't – I'm sorry."

"No." I stood, reaching for him as he drew back. "Please. Don't go. I'm not scared. Well, I am. I haven't – I never – I mean-" blushing deeply I looked down at the carpet.

.

She was a virgin. I stared at her, at the way she stood there, at her blush, and felt a lump rise in my throat. I had thought that even she had had at least one romance in her life, but she hadn't even gotten that far. Her first time, and of all the people she could have, she picked me. I was by her side in an instant, my arms going around her as I brushed her hair with my lips. "It will be okay."

.

"It will be okay." Thom's words whispered through the night as her kissed the top of my head. His embrace felt good and right, and I leaned into him, looking up into his eyes. "It will?"

In reply, Thom kissed me again, his hands drifting to my shoulders. "We have all night," he whispered against my lips.

~oOo~

It was the lack of heat that woke me. As my eyes became accustomed to the darkness, I looked to my left, then my right.

I was alone in my bed.

Frowning I sat up, pulling my covers to my chest and scanning the room. My gaze finally fell on my target: a silhouette standing by my window, gazing past the now open curtains into the night.

"Thom?"

At his name the man turned. His fiery hair became illuminated by the silvery light of the moon. So too did his violet eyes, overbright and brimming with emotion. It hurt to see that look in his eyes, and automatically I let the covers fall. There wasn't anything there that Thom hadn't already seen anyway. "Thom?" I repeated. "What's wrong?"

At my question, Thom turned back to the window. "Nothing."

"Come to bed then," I whispered softly.

"Thom, his back to me, shook his head fiercely. "No. We shouldn't have – I shouldn't have-"

I swung my legs out of bed and got out, padding over to him. "We should have, we did, and I for one do not regret a single moment."

At the words Thom flinched away. "But I…You can't…how can you do this to me, after everything that has happened? After everything I've done?"

Roger. This was about Roger. With that realisation came understanding. "Oh Thom." I reached for him, laying a palm on his back. At the contact he twitched away. "Stop that, Thom," I said quietly. "It happened." Not knowing what else to say, I slid my arms around his waist and leaned close, laying my head on his back. I felt him as he jumped at my touch, his breath hitching. In response I pressed even closer, my grip tightening, pressing my lips to his shoulder.

After a long time Thom finally turned in my arms to look at me. "Why are you doing this?" he whispered harshly. "People will think-"

"I don't care," I answered fiercely. "I've never cared about that. Who I choose is my own business. The court can't tell me who to love, or who to choose, or who to marry. That's my decision."

"But why me?"

"Why not you?" When Thom opened his mouth to reply I cut him off. "Thom, look at me, and tell me one reason why not that isn't related to Roger."

Thom stared at me, his mouth opening and closing, and for a moment I'd thought I'd won. "The others," he finally began, his voice uncertain.

"I don't care about the others, Thom," I whispered, holding his gaze with my own. "The others can go back to their fiefs. I only care about you. I love you. I chose you." With those words I rose up to kiss him, no longer caring that I'd used a word that I'd been hesitant over the night before. Because, standing there, with him in my arms, I knew it to be true. I loved him. And I was going to show him, with everything I had, with this kiss and my touch, and anything and everything else that I had to give him.

Thom's breath was sharp, and I could feel his heart beating frantically like the wings of a trapped bird. When I finally pulled away the look in his eyes had changed somewhat. "Willow," he whispered after a long silence, those two syllables holding so much emotion.

"Shhh." I raised a finger to his lips. "Just…come to bed. Hold me?"

But it was I who held him for the rest of the night.

Okay. That's all I've got so far. I will attempt to write more soon! Hope I hit the notes right in this sort of scene, and thank you again for your patience if you're an old follower of this series! If you're new, then welcome, and I hope you will all enjoy the time here!

Love MagicalLeaves