A/N- This does not affect the actual story line. This was written to give me more time to write actual chapters. Please leave a review telling me how I can improve, or any errors I made. This is omake, so no one will be in character, and it will be very random. Sorry if you don't like that sort of thing.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach
Rating: T plus (I think)
Omake
Drunken Adventures of Grimmjow and Nnoitra
"Hey, Grimmjow, do you hate Halibel?" Nnoitra asked Grimmjow while they were lounging around in Grimmjow's domain. Grimmjow was a feline by spirit, so he had way more comfortable furniture in his domain than any other Espada. Everyone knows how much cats like lounging around in the comfiest spot around. Grimmjow turned his eyes to Nnoitra. He counted the sake bottles at his feet. He counted twelve, so either he was too drunk to count or Nnoitra was in the zone where he got relatively bright ideas. It could be either one of the two, but he actually didn't care.
"As much as any other person… Why do you ask?" Grimmjow asked, slurring only slightly. It was a strange thing that when he got drunk, really drunk, he was actually faster and more agile than when he was sober, but he lost control of his "emotional" side and would probably end up sobbing in Halibel's lap. He glanced at the jug of sake in his hand. Maybe this was enough for tonight…
"A woman's place is under men! It is downright wrong to have a woman higher up in the chain of command! All they should be doing is cooking, doing the laundry, making babies, cooking, fulfilling our wild sexual fantasies, doing the laundry, keeping up their physique, cooking, knitting sweaters, fixing the damn sink that has been driving me crazy every freaking night for the past –" He was interrupted by a half empty jug of sake colliding with his face. It didn't hurt him one bit, but he did stop his ranting and looked over to Grimmjow.
"Did you have a point or not!?" Grimmjow shouted while struggling to get up from the chair that had almost swallowed him whole. He liked his furniture to be soft and comfy, but this was getting ridiculous. He was able to shout out every single profanity he knew before getting up from the chair. He blasted the rebellious piece of furniture with a cero and felt a little better. He thought of turning the cero on Nnoitra when he saw the smirk on his face.
"I'm sure that the chair did a terrible personal wrong to you. It's either that or you were a little more intimate with that chair than you care to admit." Nnoitra exploded into laughter and rolled out into the floor covered with a thick and sinking blue carpet. Nnoitra was definitely in the zone he had good ideas. There was no way that a sober Nnoitra would have the mental capacity make up a pun like that. Grimmjow walked over to Nnoitra and slapped him with his own zanpakuto, using it like a golf club. He had an urge to call out "fore!" Nnoitra was slammed into a wall.
"Oi! Stop messin' with ma zanpakuto!" Nnoitra shouted while climbing out of the rubble. It was nice to have the old Nnoitra back. Grimmjow threw the oversized axe of a zanpakuto to Nnoitra. He looked like a kid on Christmas Eve when he caught his beloved zanpakuto. And we're not talking about the holiday. Nnoitra had a huge stash of porn and one of his favorite "actresses" was a girl named Eve Christmas. This made Grimmjow's mind to come to a screeching halt. He had a feeling that that trail of thought would have led to some disturbing images of Nnoitra and his zanpakuto.
"So what exactly was your bright idea then?" Grimmjow asked. Nnoitra slung his zanpakuto on his shoulder and stared at him with a blank stare.
"Huh?" Nnoitra said and scratched his balls. "Oh, I just thought that we should do something about it. Piss her off for one. We should find out what she hates and then act on it." Nnoitra said. He had returned to being the unnaturally intelligent Nnoitra. Same couldn't be said about Grimmjow.
"Act on it? What does that mean?" Grimmjow asked. He suddenly lost his balance and fell face first on his soft carpet. It didn't hurt a bit, he actually felt like sleeping. The carpet felt all warm and comfy. He started curling up into a more comfortable position when Nnoitra slapped him with his zanpakuto. Grimmjow crashed through a couple of walls and ended up in one of his underling's room. He had enrolled her because of her mean left hook and amazing rack. She was quite good with a sword as well. He still had to pay Nnoitra back from that little slap, so this was actually kind of lucky. Nnoitra was obsessed with busty women.
"So, as I was saying before you started to sleep: We should find out what Halibel hates and then act on it. So, if she hates cats, then we go out to the living world and catch enough stray cats to fill her domain." Grimmjow heard Nnoitra making his way through the rubble. He couldn't use Sonido when he was drunk. He jumped up on his feet and pointed a finger towards her underling. She was standing on her bed and had her hand on her zanpakuto. She was wearing a pair of strawberry pink pajamas that were way too tight for her chest.
"You! Take your clothes off!" She looked at him like he said something totally inappropriate considering the situation.
"Shouldn't we be focusing on the enemy right now?" She hissed at him. Grimmjow gave her a threatening look. She flinched back.
"NOW!" Grimmjow growled back. The subordinate (He never did catch her name) started taking off her clothes immediately. It was nice seeing that he still had some authority around here. Nnoitra stumbled through the hole in the wall.
"So, are you in…?" Nnoitra knew that Grimmjow would most definitely try and get some comeback, but his natural instincts forced his eye to turn towards the naked girl on the bed. She was blushing furiously and that made it even more impossible for him to turn his eye away. He could hear the cero flying towards his face, but he was too busy trying to memorize every single detail of what he saw to care. When the cero did hit and he was flying through the wall he still thought it was worth it. Damn, where did Grimmjow find that girl?
"Yeah, I'm in, but where are we going to find out what Halibel hates most?" Grimmjow said and blew out the smoke coming of his hand. He walked over to Nnoitra and helped him out from under the rubble. They were even now, more or less and Nnoitra was still too caught up in Grimmjow's underling's naked body to count score.
"Huh? What? Who was that girl just now, the one with the rack to triumph over Halibel?" Nnoitra asked with a distant voice. He was apparently still going through it in his head. The drool dripping out of his mouth was a dead giveaway.
"What girl? I have no idea what you're talking about. You just kind of zoned out in there and I took the shot." Grimmjow said innocently while he was shooing the girl away with the hand behind his back. The girl grabbed her pajamas and sonido-ed out. Nnoitra looked at Grimmjow suspiciously for a second and then looked at the hole in the wall. He shrugged. Hallucination or not, it was a hell of a sight.
"How should I know? Guess we'll have to ask someone. Let's just grab some female Arrancar and force the answer out of her. They all know each other's secrets you know, they don't have anything else to do than gossip in here." Nnoitra said with the unnatural intelligence still lacing his voice. God, he was annoying like this! It should subside soon though.
"Sounds like a plan! Let's go!" Grimmjow shouted enthusiastically and sonido-ed out somewhere. Nnoitra couldn't use sonido when he was drunk without slamming through walls, so he didn't even try to follow Grimmjow. He would be back eventually. Probably with a random female Arrancar he picked up.
When Grimmjow wasn't back in thirty seconds Nnoitra got bored of waiting and walked through the hole in the wall and into the room where he had seen the busty hallucination. He looked around for something to kill time with and his eyes landed on a dresser. A simple dresser made out of the same white stone as anything else in Las Noches. He walked over to it and set his zanpakuto against the wall. He pulled the top drawer open and saw small neat bundles of white cloth. He picked one up and stretched it out with his hands. Panties? So it wasn't a hallucination…
Where does she keep her bra? Nnoitra closed the top drawer and opened the one below it. He saw neatly folded white tank tops. An image of the busty little hallucination wearing only the white panties and a tank top flashed into his mind. He wiped the drool out of his lips and opened the third drawer. Folded shorts folded to save space. A tank top, shorts… just add a pony tail, a sweat band and a tennis racket and you have the hottest tennis player in Hueco Mundo. Well, this does explain the tennis court Grimmjow built a couple weeks back. Nnoitra, and probably any other male Arrancar in Hueco Mundo, would pay to see this girl play. And the fact he hadn't found any bras yet meant that Grimmjow could charge whatever he wanted and would still get plenty of customers. With the right marketing, this girl would be a gold mine! Plus, she's a neat freak by the looks of it.
"What ya doin' there, Nnoitra?" Grimmjow's voice growled from behind Nnoitra. Nnoitra slammed the drawer shut and grabbed his zanpakuto. He turned to face Grimmjow. Grimmjow was standing on the pile of rubble with his arms across his chest. Nnoitra was surprised to notice that he didn't actually look that angry. Actually he looked… hyped up. His right foot was constantly tapping on a piece of rubble and his eyes darted around the room, like he was unable to concentrate on something for any more than two seconds. Was Grimmjow always like this when he got drunk? Nnoitra had no recollection of the times they drank together, so it could as well be.
"Well, did you find out what Halibel hates most?" Nnoitra asked and closed the dresser drawer with his zanpakuto. He was obviously avoiding the question, but Grimmjow's hyped up mind had already forgotten it. Grimmjow jumped on Nnoitra's chest like a cat and started shouting at his face.
"I did! I did! I'm going to tell you what I found out! I swear I am! Why would I lie? How do you dare to suspect me?! I'm going to tell you no matter what! Don't you dare stop me! You can't stop me! I'm the super kitty!" Grimmjow dropped down from Nnoitra's chest a split second before he was about to throw him off. Grimmjow was definitely faster when he was drunk. Grimmjow ran around the room, shouting that he was the ultimate ruler of everything fluffy and cuddly. Nnoitra slapped Grimmjow on the head as hard as he could to snap the poor bastard out of it.
"Seriously, what are you on? I'm only asking so that I could stay away from the stuff." Nnoitra asked while helping the normalized Grimmjow up. Grimmjow gave him a threatening look and Nnoitra decided to never mention this incident again. He was faster and stronger than Grimmjow, but Grimmjow would definitely find a way to make him pay if he ever mentioned this to anyone.
"Yeah, it looks like Halibel hates anything overly girly." Grimmjow said and rubbed the forming bruise in the back of his head. Nnoitra raised an eyebrow. "You know: kittens, pink, tiaras, beauty pageants, all sickeningly cute stuff. I suggest we flood her domain with pink kittens wearing sparkly tiaras!" Grimmjow suddenly chirped.
Nnoitra raised his zanpakuto for another reality check. Grimmjow stepped back and raised his hands to stop Nnoitra.
"Don't hit me, I'm sane again. I swear I'm not going to say anything like that anymore! I hope…" Nnoitra lowered his zanpakuto and they walked out of Grimmjow's subordinate's room. They decided to use the door for a change of pace. They started walking down the hall. Las Noches was so big that they could start going any way and get to where they were going in the same time anyways. So, where were they going to find something excessively cute? Something that was somewhat contraband in Las Noches. Did Las Noches have a place where the strangest of things eventually ended up? Stupid question really.
"Do you think Szayel is in his domain right now?" Grimmjow asked and took a left. Nnoitra spun his zanpakuto around while he tried to remember if he heard anything. Grimmjow dodged by reflex when Nnoitra's hand slipped from time to time.
"Nah, I think I heard someone say that he's off in Hueco Mundo or the real world, trying to find some more research material. His fraccion are too stupid to actually watch over his lab. Getting in there will be a snap." Nnoitra's hand slipped and he managed hit himself with his own zanpakuto. He picked up his zanpakuto while shooting menacing looks over to Grimmjow. In Grimmjow's book they were even if he was never to mention this little incident and Nnoitra didn't mention his little psychosis back there. They kept on walking towards Szayel's domain in silence.
"Nothing happened." Nnoitra said after ten minutes of awkward silence.
"I agree." Grimmjow simply answered. He had actually forgotten what didn't happen, but it didn't hurt to agree with Nnoitra. His squirrel felt like a mind on an exercise wheel… Wait, that wasn't quite right… Oh, a shiny doorknob!
His thoughts were knocked back into their usual aggressive paths by Nnoitra's zanpakuto. He "woke up" with his tongue wrapped around a silver doorknob.
"Nuffing haffened?" Grimmjow muffled out while trying to untangle his tongue.
"I have an idea why you're so popular with ladies now, but yeah: This never happened." Nnoitra said when Grimmjow stepped away from the doorknob. Grimmjow started walking again and after wondering whose doorknob Grimmjow just licked Nnoitra followed. Grimmjow kept his wandering eyes on the floor, tried to at least. Lucky for him, there weren't any other shiny objects in their path to Szayel's lab that he might feel the urge to lick. Why would he be drawn to lick shiny things in the first place? It didn't make any sense…
Nnoitra was grateful for the thoughtful silence that Grimmjow had fallen in after the incident with the doorknob. He was forced to steer him away from walls time to time, but the silence was still better than his annoying hyper-activity. Would he have ever had a drink with Grimmjow if he would have known about this? Probably, the only thing he remembered from his drinking sessions with Grimmjow where that it had been fun. Well, this was weird and mildly disturbing, but still fun.
They arrived at the entrance to Szayel's lab and Nnoitra slapped Grimmjow on the head to wake him up from his thoughts. Grimmjow crashed face down on the ground. He shot up and had a cero charged in his hand before realizing where they were. He extinguished the cero and nodded Nnoitra a thank you before walking up to the doors and pushing them open. There was a series of loud screeching and crashing noises and the doors bent out of shape and fell on Grimmjow. A mystery piano fell on top of the mountain of rubble already on top of Grimmjow. Nnoitra heard Grimmjow groan under the rubble.
"Those doors opened out, you know…" Nnoitra said while calmly watching Grimmjow climb out from under the remnants of the massive doors and the ceiling piano. He didn't even think about helping him. It was much more fun to watch him climb out in his own. Grimmjow probably wouldn't have accepted any help in the first place. Grimmjow dusted himself off with a sour look on his face.
"Let's go already!" Grimmjow growled and walked through the doorway. Nnoitra followed, chuckling quietly. Right now, Grimmjow was fast enough to beat him to a pulp, but he was also drunk as skunk, so it never occurred to him. Nnoitra didn't actually feel like remembering him of that fact and stopped laughing. They walked past several of Szayel's scientific equipment. They were freaky and gruesome when they were active, but they were just plain creepy when they were shut off in a silent and dark lab.
They eventually arrived at an especially shiny door. Nnoitra noticed that Grimmjow had a disturbing glint in his eyes and that he was drooling. He knocked him over the head with his elbow to keep him from slobbering over the door. Nnoitra walked over to the door while Grimmjow climbed out of the wall he had been slammed into by Nnoitra's reality check. Nnoitra kicked it open and walked in. His eye widened from shock.
They were pink, they were wearing tiaras and they were… kittens? Dozens and dozens of kittens playing around with some of Szayel's fraccion. The fraccion looked absolutely terrified with the kittens rolling around their feet and playing with balls of yarn. Nnoitra watched with his jaw agape. Szayel actually had pink kittens wearing sparkly tiaras? Why would he make something like that in the first place? What possible meaning could there be for pink kittens?
"Yay! Pink kittens!" Grimmjow screamed and hopped past Nnoitra. Nnoitra was too dumbfounded to try and knock him back into his senses, so Grimmjow kept on hopping… and hopping… and hopping
Grimmjow must have been hopping for five minutes and he was only halfway to the kittens. And he looked as small as a doll of some sort. Still the kittens were the same size, but now that Nnoitra had Grimmjow for perspective he could make out the distance between him and the kittens, the twelve-foot tall kittens. Damn his one eyed ness! The loss of depth perception came back to bite him in the ass once again.
Well, at least making 12-foot tall kittens with sharp sparkly tiaras made more sense than making normal sized kittens with tiaras. Szayel's shaky sanity hadn't completely crumbled just yet.
Just then Grimmjow reached one of the kittens and gave it a great big hug. Well, it's paw actually, but still Nnoitra could see that Grimmjow's mind hadn't grasped the idea that the "cute little kitten" could tear him in half with one swoop of its claws.
Grimmjow might not have figured it out, but the kitten was well aware. It smacked Grimmjow away and then brought its other furry paw up to slice him in half. Nnoitra saw how Grimmjow shook his head and was able to draw his zanpakuto in time to stop the kitten's claws from slicing him in half. Grimmjow was shot into the air by the force of the blow.
Grimmjow crashed next to where Nnoitra was standing. He sheathed his zanpakuto and groaned.
"Welcome back. Was it worth it?" Nnoitra asked while tentatively watching the kitten. It was looking right at them. It looked hungry.
"Shut the hell up, Nnoitra! I swear I'm not going to even touch alcohol after this…" Grimmjow pushed himself out of the wall he was impeded in. He sure went through a lot of walls lately. He walked next to Nnoitra. He noticed that he was watching the kitten that had hit him just a minute ago. It was running towards them. It was fast and strong. Szayel had an incredibly warped mind, but at least he was a genius to make up for it.
"How far is it? Should we start running already?" Nnoitra asked. Grimmjow was reminded about his lack of depth perception in the worst way possible.
"RUN!!" Grimmjow screamed and jumped through the wall. Nnoitra slashed through the wall with his zanpakuto and followed Grimmjow's lead. Every time he was about to trip and fall he used his oversized zanpakuto to stabilize himself. This wasn't the first time he was drunk or just dizzy for some other reason. He was able to keep up with Grimmjow, just barely, but still. Alcohol really made him like a freaking squirrel on meth, both in the good and the bad.
There was an enormous crash from behind them and when Grimmjow glanced over his shoulder he saw that the pink kitten had used its tiara to force itself through the wall. So, there was even a reason for the tiara. Were these things supposed to attack Soul Society, lull them into false sense of security with their cuteness and then rip them all to shreds? These things were strong, fast and incredibly cute. It could work on the female shinigami, but what about someone like Zaraki Kenpachi, or Kuchiki Byakuya?
"MEEOOWW!" The cute monster hollered out and started running towards them. It was actually starting to gain up on them. This thing might have been the cutest thing in the whole of Hueco Mundo from afar, but from up close your eyes were drawn to the bloodied fangs and curved claws reaching for you. Yeah, this was definitely Szayel's handiwork.
Grimmjow took a sudden right and Nnoitra was forced to slam his zanpakuto on the corner and use it to stop himself from skidding to the opposite wall.
"How about giving me a heads up before doing something like that again?!" Nnoitra screamed while dodging the kittens paw. He caught up to Grimmjow while the kitten rolled into the opposite wall, like he would have without his zanpakuto.
"We're going to Halibel's domain! That thing is exactly what we wanted!" Grimmjow shouted and took a left. Nnoitra had to use his zanpakuto again to swing himself in the right direction. Now that he knew where they were going he could prepare for the turns and thus lessen the chance of being impaled by the gigantic pink kitten. God, this whole situation was absolutely crazy! They were running away from a gigantic pink kitten in a sparkly tiara for god's sakes!
They both ran without saying a word for about ten minutes. At last they saw the door to Halibel's domain out in the distance. The kitten was huffing and puffing behind them like an old steam engine. They might be fast and strong, but they were lacking in terms of stamina.
Grimmjow and Nnoitra both slammed against the double doors leading into Halibel's domain. This time they actually opened inwards and they skid along the marble floors in Halibel's domain's entrance. Nnoitra slammed his zanpakuto on the floor behind him and spun around to face the psychopathic feline, no, not Grimmjow, the pink kitten. Grimmjow jumped up in the air and then landed fluidly on his feet next to Nnoitra.
The pink kitten skidded to stop on the slippery white marble and left deep claw marks behind. It huffed and puffed and its eyes darted between Nnoitra and Grimmjow. Its eyes suddenly rolled over and it collapsed on the ground. The tremor made Nnoitra fall down on the floor, but didn't actually affect Grimmjow. Seriously, like a squirrel on meth.
"So… We tired it out?" Grimmjow said. For something that wasn't an Arrancar, running halfway across Las Noches was impressive. Now what were they going to do with this? They were able to get it to Halibel's domain, so should they just leave it there?
"What do you think you're doing?" A cold female voice hissed from behind Grimmjow and Nnoitra. Speak of the devil… So, Halibel was home…
They were so major fucked…
"Well, this thing chased us here from Szayel's lab. We didn't have much of choice other than tire… it… out…" Nnoitra's voice gradually turned into a mumble and then died down completely under Halibel's cold gaze. He felt like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar… Except that there was a promise of impending death in the eyes of the "mom" in this metaphor. Grimmjow didn't seem too phased by the ominous atmosphere. Actually he seemed completely ignorant of Halibel's presence. His eyes were fixated on the decorative carvings on the walls and the columns supporting the roof. He had a dreamy glint in his eyes and it was obvious he didn't even know about the other people in the room, or what was going on.
Halibel was about to say something when Grimmjow suddenly raised his right hand and pointed to a point on the wall behind Halibel. Halibel must have thought Grimmjow was about to use a cero, so she jumped out of the way of his finger and landed within striking distance of him.
"It's unfinished, Halibel-san… And so sad…" Grimmjow said in a low voice heavily laced with emotion. Halibel stopped her fist inches from Grimmjow's head. Nnoitra noticed that her eyes had widened from shock. Had the demented Grimmjow hit a sore point?
"What… did you just say, Grimmjow?" Halibel said in a somewhat shaky voice. For Grimmjow, the aggressive warmonger, to give an honest and somewhat deep opinion on her art was absolutely crazy. Only time he got even remotely like this was when he was… She leaned a little closer to Grimmjow and smelled his breath.
"You have been drinking again! Seriously, can't you find some more constructive ways to spend your time? Train, or beat each other up, if there even is a difference, but could you please stop overdosing on sake and bringing stuff like…" Halibel turned her eyes to the gigantic pink kitten wearing a sparkly tiara for the first time. She blinked slowly, then rubbed her eyes and blinked again.
"Is that a twelve-foot tall pink kitten with a sparkly tiara on its head? Seriously, how much have you had tonight?" Halibel turned to Nnoitra when Grimmjow wandered over to a carved pillar and stared at it intently. She actually didn't hate Grimmjow when he was like this; he was actually kind of cute with the harmless little hyperactive squirrel act.
Nnoitra was about to give a totally undersized estimate of the jars of sake they had drunk when the kitten suddenly started bleeping. Both Halibel and Nnoitra turned to the kitten and saw that there was a bright red light blinking on the tiara. The bleeping intensified and there was a high pitched sound, like a flash from one of those cameras from the living world charging up.
There was a squishy sounding "pop!" and the world was filled with pink, pink goo to be exact. Nnoitra had raised the blade of his zanpakuto to cover his face from the goo by reflex, but Halibel wasn't as lucky. She was still shocked by the fact that there was a gigantic pink kitten in the entrance hall to her domain to react fast enough. She was covered from head to toe in bright pink goo.
Nnoitra made the biggest mistake he could do in that situation: He laughed. Halibel wiped the goo of her face with one hand. She turned to Nnoitra and cracked her knuckles.
30 minutes later:
"What is the meaning of this meaningless noise?" Ulquiorra asked. Seemingly he didn't notice the pure irony in his statement, but neither did anyone else for that matter. Halibel was too busy beating Nnoitra to a bloody pulp while scolding Grimmjow. Somehow she just didn't have the heart to hit Grimmjow when he was like that. He reminded her of a hyperactive kid and it was probably her dormant maternal instinct that made her go soft on him. Grimmjow had actually said "Damn, the pretty pictures went bye-bye…" when the kitten exploded into pink goo and covered the whole hall in it. How was she supposed to stay mad at him after that? She turned her head towards the door and saw Ulquiorra hovering over the thick layer of pink goo on the floor.
"Oh! Hi, Ulquiorra. Can you guess why I'm beating Nnoitra to a bloody pulp?" Halibel said and slammed Nnoitra's head against the marble floor again. Ulquiorra heard Nnoitra's muffled groan. He took a glance at his surroundings and his eyes paused briefly on Grimmjow, who was happily making a pink goo man in the corner. So, he had been drinking again…
"I'll have to conclude that it has something to do with this brightly colored pudding-like excrement that covers your entrance hall. How could they make this happen?" Ulquiorra's usually cold and deadpan voice sounded genuinely interested. The situation in itself was extremely puzzling, but something in his tone seemed rehearsed. Halibel took a step to the side and saw Inoue Orihime standing at the edge of the pink goo, seemingly trying to decide if it was worth to dirty her white dress. Couldn't Ulquiorra leave her unattended for the while it took for him to check out the noise coming from her domain? Well, probably not, with people like Loly and Melony lurking around.
"These guys found a twelve-foot tall pink kitten wearing a tiara somewhere and decided to bring it here. The kitten's tiara started bleeping and the kitten exploded into the pink goo you see around you." Halibel said in a calm voice. He let go of Nnoitra's hair and let him sink into the pink goo covering the floor. If he would happen to suffocate he would have definitely deserved it.
"What? What about kittens? Where are the kittens? Does Halibel-san have kittens? I didn't know you had a cat, Halibel-san. Or did you get the cat from the real world, bring it here, raise it in secret, then it suddenly had kittens and you're stuck with them and now you're trying to get Ulquiorra-san to adopt some of them? I would love to have a kitten if you could spare one. Hey, Ulquiorra, can I have a kitten?" Orihime babbled on. Ulquiorra was too surprised that she had been able to get right next to him without him noticing and Halibel just wasn't sure if it was okay to stop her. When Orihime stopped to catch her breath Ulquiorra was kind enough to stop her trail of though right there, before she noticed Grimmjow in the corner and made some assumptions.
"No, Halibel doesn't have kittens and she is definitely not trying to sell me any. As far as I understand, there was just one twelve-foot tall pink kitten with a tiara that ended up exploding and covering Halibel's entrance hall in pink goo." Ulquiorra explained, hoping that she would not start asking questions. Orihime's eyes glazed over and her mouth opened up while she looked out into the distance. She was seemingly trying to picture the kitten in her mind.
"Wow… A gigantic kitten… Can I have one? Pleeeaaaase?" Orihime said and stared at them pleadingly. She looked at both Ulquiorra and Halibel in turn.
Ulquiorra and Halibel glanced at each other and then said "No!" in unison. Aizen really wouldn't approve of a gigantic exploding kitten to be in the same room with his future pride. Ulquiorra wasn't too fond of the idea either. It would be even more bothersome for him.
A slob of the pink goo hit the back of his head and caused him to lose his balance in the air and fall face first into the goo on the floor.
"Goo fight! YAY!" Grimmjow screamed happily and aimed another slob of pink goo at Halibel. Halibel raised her right hand and used a miniature cero to crystallize and deflect the goo back towards Grimmjow's face. The pink glass-like projectile hit Grimmjow's forehead and he fell on his back. There was a big "Splat!" when he fell into the goo.
"You'll have to excuse him; he gets like that when he's drunk." Halibel said politely to Orihime. Surprisingly, she didn't have to force the laughter into her usually cold eyes. The whole situation was ridiculous in the first place and the sight of Ulquiorra getting up, covered in hot pink goo made her want to laugh out loud. Orihime didn't have Halibel's self-control and she started to giggle uncontrollably.
Ulquiorra gave her a cold murderous look and Halibel could swear that she heard his teeth gritting against each other. The pink goo covering his face was a convenient mask to hide his face; because Halibel was almost sure that he had a couple of veins popping out on his forehead. It was just too much.
Halibel even surprised herself by starting to giggle along with Orihime. Ulquiorra watched as the two girls in front of him doubled over from laughter and then leaned on each other for support.
"This is not amusing. There could be all kinds of contaminants in this excrement." Ulquiorra said, with his voice dripping with murderous intent. Orihime and Halibel just looked at his serious face covered in pink goo and laughed even harder. Ulquiorra wiped the goo off his face hastily and turned to where Grimmjow was. He walked over to Grimmjow and charged a cero at the tip if his index finger.
Halibel's elbow collided with the side of his face and he landed back in the pink goo. He looked up to Halibel in surprise.
"This is my domain. If you want to fight, then you'll have to take it outside. I'll have to warn you though; Grimmjow is way faster than you in the state he's in right now." Halibel said in her usual cold tone. Ulquiorra glanced over to Grimmjow's unconscious body. He had heard about this unique side-effect and didn't question its authenticity. Ulquiorra stood up slowly and wiped the pink goo off his face, again. The fight with Grimmjow could wait. He turned around and started walking towards the door.
"Please escort the woman back to her quarters, Halibel." Ulquiorra said in an icy tone. He gave Orihime a murderous glance. She was still giggling like crazy, but now that she didn't have Halibel for support she was lying in the pink goo. She looked like she didn't notice. Tears were rolling down from her eyes and her stomach was cramping so much that she had to curl up. If he couldn't hear her laughing, Ulquiorra would think that Orihime was in extreme pain.
"Emotions…" Ulquiorra muttered. He walked past the threshold to Halibel's domain and then used sonido to get to his own domain faster. He really needed a change of clothes. Ulquiorra's hand stopped in mid movement when he was reaching for the door to his closet. Where did Grimmjow and Nnoitra get the sake in the first place? Alcohol was somewhat of contraband in Las Noches.
Somewhere deeper in Las Noches:
"Oh, it seems like the fun is over…" Ichimaru Gin sighed and leaned back from the surveillance screen. There were not that many things to relieve his boredom in Las Noches, so watching the drunken antics of the Espada was as close it got to a comedy show in here. There was just that hindrance that most of them didn't drink and the ones that did, couldn't get their hands on any sake.
So, he decided to lend a helping hand. A dozen of jars filled with sake in the right hands meant a fun couple of hours for him later on. Ichimaru Gin got up from the chair he had been sitting on and stretched his back.
Now that that was over, what was he supposed to do?
A/N- I did not actually write this. This was written by my very talented friend Crazy laughter (because I stink at writing humor). The next real chapter will be posted next Friday, so please stay tuned.