November 23, 2005
Time has become more than irrelevant...

"This assignment is extremely important, not only for your semester grade but for your future."

I puffed out my cheeks, crossed my eyes and started quietly humming the theme song to Green Acres.

"It will teach you the many responsibilities and compromises involved in parenthood and marriage."

Green Acres turned into the Oscar Mayer Weiner song, and the cuticle on my right pointer finger became very fascinating.

"Hopefully, it will help you make slightly more informed decisions about sex and relationships at your current age."

I bit off my cuticle and got a speck of blood on my notebook. The speck was shaped a lot like Jimmy Carter.

"You and your partners will make a Life Plan. You'll pick careers out of the Career Box, find a living quarters from the newspaper, and create a budget. The budget must include education expenses for your child simulation."

If Jimmy Carter had married Sponge Bob Squarepants...well that would have been weird.

"Here are your partners..."

I was partnered with Dougie. Life was getting ironically ironic. God I fucking hate irony.

Even though he tricked me into accepting his pathetic apology, although I would have melted to him eventually anyway, I was still extremely hurt. He lied to me and ditched me on our birthday to have sex with his stupid little girlfriend. Apparently, it was her gift to him for his eighteenth birthday. What. A. Whore.

A ball of paper hit me on the head and landed on my desk, abolishing poor Jimmy and squashing my dreams of a yellow crustacean president. I looked up and saw Dougie smiling at me from across the room. I smiled back and uncrumpled the paper.

should we get sacrificial seed for big bird? i'd like a good crop this year. BTW its not thursday wink wink

A slow smile spread itself across my face and I glanced at Dougie. He was making a very suggestive hand gesture that made me blush horribly. He shot me a wink and grinned cheekily. I laid my head down on my desk to hide my face and tried to remember the pledge of allegiance.

Lunch

"So, do we get to name the baby?" Dougie dangled the plastic doll in front of his face and cocked his head to the side, studying it. There was a rather amusing look of confusion and slight terror on his face. It made me smile.

"Yea, of course." I answered and went back to writing down the address of the apartment we had picked from the housing section. Dougie set the doll in the grass in front of him and carefully undid the Velcro jumpsuit it wore. He pulled the suit around the dolls ankles and stared at it's naked body.

"What the fuck are you doing, Doug?" Danny snorted, his own doll laying carelessly discarded in his back pack behind him.

"I'm checking it for a dick, stupid." Dougie scoffed, as if it should have been obvious.

"And?" Tom chuckled. He had dumped his doll on his partner in the library when it started crying hysterically. Diougie frowned and redressed our baby.

"It sure as hell isn't a boy."

"Then we're naming it Winnifred." I said simply. Everyone turned to look at me.

"Winnifred?" Danny repeated mockingly, as if the name tasted sour. I had been writing but I looked up slowly and nodded.

"Yes, Winnifred Agnes."

"Winnifred Agnes Poynter." Tom toppled over in amusement as he spoke, "That's fucking beautiful."

"Damn Charlotte, your kid's gonna get her snack pack stolen." Danny shook his head and took a bite out of his apple. I curled my upper lip at them and rolled my eyes.

"Well I like it, Char." Dougie smiled smugly at the other guys and dropped an arm around my shoulders. I glanced at him and smiled.

"Thank you, Doug."

"Ooo Dougie-Pie to the rescue. Look at you being all chivalrous and shit." Tom sneered. He ripped open a bag of Cheetos.

"Fucking-a right." Dougie nodded his head authoritatively, "I'm a father now, chivalry comes with the package."

"Does bad hair and a voice that causes entire cities to implode come in that package also?" Danny fluttered his eyelashes at Dougie and picked at the peel on his apple.

Dougie's mouth hung open in shock, "Well at least I write my own lyrics, biznatch."

I chuckled as Tom made a sizzling sound indicating the severity of Dougie's burn. It was funny, even though the two, without each other's talents, would probably be little to nothing. Then came a strange whining sound from near Dougie's crotch.

"Uh, Dougie..." I began.

"Dougie, switching the ending words to phrases from Dr. Seuss does not qualify as 'your own lyrics'." Danny leaned forward. Tom gave Danny a high-five, showing his lack of loyalty to either side. The noise came again, and I looked at our baby. Dougie had it tucked in his lap, stuck between his thighs so that in order to take it I would have to chance touching his...down-there area. I cleared my throat.

"Dougie the ba--"

"Don't hate, don't hate." Dougie's voice hitched up with his attempt at ghetto, "I see how it is. You can go right ahead and sing my songs but giving me some well do credit is beneath you?"

"Psh, you think you're the shit because you can rhyme."

I tugged on Dougie's sleeve, "Dougie, the baby is--"

"At least I can rhyme."

"Cat and Hat haven't counted since the second grade."

"Well excuse me, your Highness." Dougie's voice was rank with playful resentment, "If you don't like my lyrics by all means write your own."

"For real, Doug--"

"Maybe I will." Danny mocked Dougie's childish manner.

"Do--"

"Fine."

"I--"

"Fine."

"Il bambino fucking sta gridando, Dougie!" I shouted.

Dougie's attention snapped to me. A flash of well contained "excitement" passed over his features, then a look of confusion took over, "Wait, what?"

"The baby is fucking crying, Dougie." I pointed to his lap. He looked even more confused for a second before he looked down and gasped.

"Oh!" He scooped up the screaming doll and stared at it, "Uh...I...here." He handed it to Danny.

"Dude, I'm not your partner!" Danny squealed and held the doll at arms length as if were going to bite him. Of course it's simulated crying was very life like and getting even higher in pitch. I groaned and reached out to take the baby. I cradled it in my arms and shushed it, singing very softly and rocking it back and forth. After a few long minutes of nothing but the boys silence and my very Disney-esque mothering tactics, the doll stopped screaming and went into sleep mode. I looked up at the faces of all three boys staring at me. Tom looked creeped out and Danny looked shocked, but the look on Dougie's face was something I really couldn't place. There was an odd little smile and his eyes gave an unusual sparkle. It made my stomach flip and fill up with nervous butterflies.

"That was...scary." Tom shuddered, "Char acting all maternal was enough to give me nightmares for life."

I was too busy staring back at Dougie to send him a glare or flick him off.

"I never would've thought...it just went right to sleep." Danny was still staring at the doll, "I mean I had to smash mine against my locker to shut it the fuck up."

"You're just parentally challenged." Tom popped a Cheeto into his mouth, "Or it hates you." Then he glanced at me again and visibly shuddered.

Dougie's smile grew into a toothy grin, "That was so cool, Charlotte." He said softly.

"Cool?" I repeated. The way he was smiling at me was making me shake.

"Yea. I've never seen that side of you."

"Well I'm not surprised. How many babies has she had to silence?" Tom said sarcastically. He chewed thoughtfully on his food then shook his head, "God, am I the only one thoroughly disturbed by that whole thing?"

There was a short silence before Dougie answered with a faint nod, "Yeah."

Saturday

Two days later I stood on the sidelines, cradling little Winnifred Agnes to my chest and ignoring her cries as I screamed encouragement to Dougie until my throat hurt. I couldn't hear her over the rest of the crowd anyways, they were all yelling and jumping up and down with excitement as our high school soccer team scored goal after goal after goal against the neighboring town.

"Go Peter Pan!" I shouted, and leapt into the air as he kicked the ball into the net once again, nearly dropping Winnifred.

"That's terrible parenting." Danny commented from beside me. I glared at him.

"At least I know where my baby is. " I shot back. Danny hadn't touched his doll since the day we were given the assignment. Luckily for him, he had an obsessive compulsive control freak named Emily for a partner and hadn't been asked to take part anyway.

"Summer has me paying child support." He said with a shrug. I shifted the doll in my arms and attempted to shoot him a questioning look without taking my eyes off of Dougie on the field. He had the ball again and was barreling toward the goalie, looking very hot all sweaty and determined I might add. Someone from the other team got in his way so he passed the ball to Tom, who shot it swiftly into the net. Danny and I erupted with cheers along with the rest of the crowd. I tried to clap, and Winnifred slid out of my arm. I caught her by the ankle making her break out into an ear splitting wail.

"Fuck." I muttered and started patting her back and shushing her. Danny took a moment to remove his sweatshirt carefully; probably so his Tic Tac's wouldn't tumble out of the pocket. It was auspiciously warm out that day, perfect for the game, and everyone was clad in t-shirts and some were even in shorts, Danny had only worn a sweatshirt so he could hide his bloodshot eyes with his hood until they cleared up.

He set it aside on the ground by his feet and cupped his mouth to shout at Dougie, Kyle, and Tom, "Go, mother fuckers! Pandoseph!" He whooped loudly in my ear then turned to me, "Emily likes yellow gummy bears."

"What?"

"Every day I buy a bag of gummy bears and pick out all the yellow ones. That's my child support payments."

"Sounds like a lot of gummy bears." I turned around to dig through my messenger bag behind me and pulled out the electronic bottle. I pressed it against Winnifred's mouth to "feed" her.

"It is." Danny stared down at the quieted baby with what I can only describe as pure fear, "But it's worth it."

"You're such a loser, Dan." I sighed.

"That's my baby!" Dougie shouted from the field. I looked up to see him dancing around in the middle of the field, pointing at me. I felt a slow but fierce blush creep up my neck and glanced around at all the people now staring at me. Some looked very judgmental, probably assuming the feeding bundle in my arms was a real baby. I waved quickly at Dougie who blew me a kiss and took off after the ball.

"It's all he talks about lately." A woman's voice said behind me. I turned around to see Dougie's mom smiling at me.

"Hi, Mrs. Poynter. How are you?"

"Fantastic, Charlotte. Hello Daniel."

Danny smiled and looked away to hide the redness in his eyes. Dougie's mom didn''t even notice.

"Dougie's absolutely smitten with the idea of you being the mother of his baby."

I felt the blush intensify and I glanced down at Winnifred, "Really?" I laughed to cover my nervous excitement.

"Yea, he keeps telling me how you're a natural. How he thinks you look so beautiful when you sing to it. I mean I keep having to remind him that it's just a pretend assignment for class and that you're not really married." She laughed, "Although I will say the thought does have it's appeal for me as well." She gave me a quick wink.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't remove the massive grin from my face. The crowd, once again, went up in a simultaneous cheer and I shot a look to the game to see Dougie with his arms in the air, turning away from the goal. Tom and Kyle along with some other teammates ran up to him and slammed their stomachs together or leant their foreheads against each other's and screamed. Boys are strange creatures.

"So where's Dougie's dad?" I asked, turning back to his mom with a smile. The look of happy contentment faltered on her face for a fraction of a second before she answered.

"He couldn't make it." She said softly, and covered the awkward answer with a cheer, "Go Doug!" She hollered. Dougie turned mid jog and waved at her, not missing a beat in the game. I studied his mother for a minute before brushing off the weird, sick feeling I got when she told me he "couldn't make it". Dougie's dad never missed his games. Granted he was a very competitive father and didn't always give the most encouraging comments from the stands, I knew he was proud of Dougie and it was very strange not having him there. Danny nudged my side and when I looked over he gave me a questioning look. He didn't like this either.

We won the game, more than double the opposing team's points, and the group of us went out to eat to celebrate.

"You guys were so great today." Leah gushed and pressed a kiss to Tom's cheek. He, Dougie and Kyle were all sticky and smelled like sweat and mud. But I didn't protest when Dougie squished into the booth with me and Danny, pressed against me, his bare knee touching my covered one. In fact I was more than happy for the hot, sticky contact.

"Thanks, baby." Tom wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she immediately pushed it off.

"Okay, Tom I love you and all, but you stink."

"Ouch." He stuck out his bottom lip and leaned on the table. We all laughed and I pretended not to notice when Dougie put his lips around the straw of my peppermint milkshake.

"Dude, it was a really kick ass game though." Danny said, popping a French fry into his mouth.

"Yea that means nothing coming from you, stoner boy." Kyle joked. Danny stopped, mid bite, a fry hanging out of his mouth and stared at Kyle.

"I resent that." He mumbled, "I was only slightly high."

"Yea guys, geez, cut him some slack." I defended him.

"Thanks, Charlotte." He said.

"You're welcome." I dipped a fry in Dougie's chocolate milkshake and ate it, "I mean, if he needs to smoke a little every now and then to calm his nerves, its no big deal, ya know it's really hard being vertically challenged, isn't it Dan?" I smiled at him. Everyone burst into laughter but Danny, who just stared at me, open mouthed.

"I'll remember that, Charlotte Marie Reloveano."

"Ooo he busted out the full name on you, Char, I think that means it's serious." Tom laughed.

"As serious as a gastric bypass." Danny did a ghetto head bob and snapped his fingers. All I could do was snort and laugh so hard my stomach hurt.

"Char, don't spewk." Leah reached across the table and patted my head.

"Yea, Char, just breathe." Kyle laughed. I finally finished laughing and sat up, wiping at the tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes. I turned and looked at Dougie, who was smiling at me. He wiggled his eyebrows and winked suggestively.

"Do I get a congratulatory kiss?" He asked. I let out a strangled, nervous laugh.

"Right, Dougie."

"So that's a no?"

"That's a hell no." I picked up a French fry to distract myself from the cute pouty look he was giving me.

"Come on, Char, you know you want to."

Ha, you don't know how right you are.

"Oh give him a kiss, Charlotte." Tom took a large bite of his burger, "It's your duty as the best friend."

"Yea in the absence of the girlfriend, you take over all the girlfriendy things." Kyle helped encourage. Despite the fact that Dougie and I had officially put that whole birthday fiasco behind us, I still didn't like the mention of Alice.

"Like congratulatory kisses." Leah joined in. I glanced at Danny, who shrugged and busied himself with the napkin holder.

"Okay, fuck them, fuck Alice, fuck best friend duties." Dougie shifted so that he leaned on the table slightly in front of me, "I just want to kiss you."

Those words will forever be branded into my brain.

I stared at Dougie and blinked. It was all I could do not to forget to breathe. I swallowed the lump that had quickly formed in my throat when my heart leapt out of my chest, and gave a weak nod. Dougie's lips twisted into a satisfied and slightly cheeky smile as he leaned forward and kissed me softly.

It was very chaste, our lips just sort of rested against each other's. But it was amazing. And it lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. When Dougie didn't almost immediately pull away, our table let out a slow cat call. They started wooting and whistling and clapping. A smile cracked on both of our faces and Dougie pulled away.

"Well now." Tom wore a broad, smug grin as he clapped his hands slowly, "That was intense."

"Oh, shut up, Tom." Leah scolded playfully, "Leave them alone." She had whispered the last part to him, and she was giving us this look like she knew something the rest of them didn't. I caught her eyes for a split second and blushed madly.

Way to give yourself away, Charlotte..

Dougier got very quiet the rest of the night, and although he didn't directly make eye contact with me even once, I caught him staring at me numerous times. There was something disconcerting about the look in his eyes. He looked kind of scared and confused. He had never looked at me that way before, and it made me very nervous.

That Night 2:00 AM

Ring

"No, please don't take my poodle..."

Ring

"I swear I won't eat the Jell-O anymore..."

Ring

"Eight spiders..."

WAAAAAAAAAA

"AHHHH!!" I sat upright and glanced around frantically. My eyes landed on the screaming baby on the floor beside my dresser. I let out a long sigh, "Oh fuck me Freddy."

Ring

I looked at the phone beside my bed. Then at my clock, "Freddy fuck me sideways."

WAAAAAAAAAA

"Yeah, I'm coming ho--"

Ring

"Alright, alright, kee--"

WAAAAAAAAA

"ARGH!" I screamed and flopped back on my bed. I listened to the wailing and the phone for five more seconds before I grabbed my pillow and flung it across the room to hit the doll. Then I rolled sideways and ripped the phone from the hook.

WAAAAAAAAA

"Shut the fuck up!" I shouted at the doll.

"Charlotte?" Came the voice on the other end.

"Sorry, Dougie, that fucking baby is screaming again." I rolled out of bed and staggered across to the doll. I scooped it up and started bouncing it up and down and pacing across the room.

"It's all good." He sighed. I paused in my pacing, but didn't say anything. I could hear Dougie breathing but neither of us said a word. The baby began to settle down and only a soft, hiccupping coo emanated from the rubber bundle in my arms. The sudden silence was freaky.

"Doug, are you alright?" I asked slowly. There was an extended pause and if I hadn't heard him shift I would have thought he had hung up. "Dougie?"

"No, yeah, I'm alright." He said quickly, "I just...hey I'll see ya tomorrow, Char. Let's go to the park with Winnifred, okay?"

I frowned, "Sure."

"Bye, Charbear."

"Bye, Dougie."

Click

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