Author Note: Another day, another chapter. Not sure I'm back in the swing of things completely, but I'm certainly making more progress/feeling more motivated than I was before. I have two other stories in my head right now, which doesn't help (both angsty, but hopefully both still something you'll all enjoy reading). That doesn't include Lullaby, which needs finishing, but I have to re-read it all, because that's a lot of story I've gotta remember before I can update it. Anyway, onwards with the next chapter of Slide...

The baby cried out across the room, pulling Maura from a fitful sleep. She rolled onto her front and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, before realising that the sound would not disappear. The baby was hers, and he would only stop if she tended to his needs. She walked across the room and peered into the crib.

"It's okay, Lucas," she cooed, reaching down and cupping the face of her teenaged son. "Don't cry. Mommy's here."

He wailed and wriggled around, his face stained with tears, his cheeks bright red. She wrapped her hands around the back of his head and pulled him out. A wave of emotion flooded her, leaving her drowning in doubt, in sorrow. How would she ever do this?

"It's going to be okay," she whispered, though she knew the words were more to herself than to her son.

"I'll take him," Greg said, holding his arms out. "Let me try."

She handed him over, still flailing as he cried, and stepped back. Her heart ached. He needed her. He needed his mother. Greg turned away and the sound of the boy's cries disappeared. He carried him out of the room.

The door closed behind them. Maura stepped forward, she needed to go back to him. She needed to help. But no matter how many steps forward she took, she could never get close enough to the door.

She crouched down, tears streaming down her cheeks, and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, the room had changed. The crib vanished, in place was a single bed with superhero sheets.

"Luke?" she said, standing up. He lay under his covers, tears covered his face.

She walked closer and sat beside him. She reached for his face but he pushed her hands away.

"I'm here, it's going to be okay."

"No, it's not," he shouted, throwing the bedsheets aside. "It's never going to be okay."

"I'm not going to leave you this time."

"Why?"

She frowned. "What do you mean why? I love you. You're my son. I'm going to fight for you."

"I don't want you to."

"I thought," she tried to breath but every time she breathed in, her lungs stopped working and she choked on her own breath. "I don't want to miss out on your growing up."

"I don't need you anymore. I'm grown."

"But, you said," she whispered, her voice drifting off into the silence. She reached out, but he shuffled back across the bed.

"Don't touch me. I don't need you. You've made it all worse. Coming back was the worst thing you could have done."

"Why are you getting so angry at me?"

"I was better off without you."

"No, Luke."

She closed her eyes, pushing teardrops down her cheeks until salty tears landed on her lips. She rested her head down against his pillow, curling up into a ball. Her shoulder's shook.

"No, Luke," she whispered, her words laced with tears as she repeated them over and over.

When she opened her eyes again, her chest ached as her breathing became laboured. The bedroom was dark. She rolled onto her side and stared out across the guest bedroom. Luke lay beside her, on the other side of the bed. She went to bed alone; she couldn't even remember him joining her in the night.

She tried to smile, but all she could think about was everything Greg had said the night before. Every second of the dream. Every difficult memory that came to mind of his early childhood.

"Mom?"

Looking across at Luke, he stared back at her with his eyes wide open, and a grin spread across his face. She forged a smile, wiping at her tears, as she greeted her son.

x

The pancake slid off the pan and onto a plate, on top of two others. Maura returned the pan to the ring and poured in some more mixture. Whilst it cooked, she pushed the plate across the counter to Luke.

"Birthday pancakes."

He smiled, his eyebrows tugged together briefly, then he looked up at her, his grin three times bigger. "You made me birthday pancakes before."

She lowered her gaze and returned to the pan. "I did."

"Was it for my birthday or for something else?"

"It was for your half birthday," she said, flipping the pancake.

"My half birthday?"

"It was something we did." She turned around, a smile plastered across her face. "You were young, there were a lot of milestones to celebrate. People talk about the different months of development. You didn't fit into your twelve to eighteen month outfits anymore; you were a little big for your age."

He frowned. "So, you made me pancakes?"

"I did." She turned back to the ring and placed the pancake onto another plate and handed Luke the maple syrup. "It was just the two of us. Your father was away for work, and I was bored. As much as I loved spending every day with you, it can be tiring and lonely being at home with a toddler. You didn't say much."

Laughing, Luke shrugged. "Sorry."

"It's not your fault, you were learning," she said, turning off the ring and sitting down beside him. "It's one of the things they don't talk about when they talk about parenting. It can be the best time, but it can also be quite lonely."

"Didn't you meet other parents? Like when we went to the park, or anything?"

"No." She poured syrup onto her pancake and cut some off with her fork. "I didn't take you to the park much."

"Why not?"

"There were parts of being a parent that I found especially difficult."

"Like going to the park?"

She swallowed a mouthful. "Like talking to the other parents."

"Oh, right," he said, sticking a forkful into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed as Maura sat in silence. "What was it like when I was born?"

"What was what like?"

"Having me."

"Childbirth?"

"No." He scrunched up his nose. "What was it like having a baby to look after?"

She swallowed the last piece of her pancake and carried the plate across to the sink. She ran the tap and waited for it to heat up. She tried to find the words to explain, without saying the wrong thing, but eventually the silence drifted on for far too long.

"Was I a bad baby?"

"No," Maura said, turning around. She shook her head vehemently until Luke's eyes softened. "You were a wonderful baby. But you had bad reflux for a while, so you cried a lot."

"Why did I have that?"

"I don't know. Some babies just do."

"Was it hard having a crying baby?"

Maura picked up the pan and ran it under the tap, she closed her eyes and listened to the gush of water smash down against the cast iron. "I don't think we should be discussing this."

"Why not?" He sighed. Maura turned off the tap to face him. "Is that why you left?"

"Because you cried? No. Never. You know it was more complicated than that."

"I know."

Leaning forward, Maura reached for Luke's hand. "Some people find parenting harder than others. I struggled."

"I don't remember."

"No, you wouldn't, you were too small." She lowered her head and sighed. "I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"I can't stay until lunchtime."

He sat up straight, his eyes wide. "Why not?"

"The case, at work, they need me to go back and do an autopsy."

"I thought it could wait."

"It can't," she said, fighting back the desire to cry. "I need to update the mayor by the end of the day. If I don't leave this morning, then I won't have time to conduct the autopsy before he leaves the office."

"We were supposed to go to the book store, you were going to buy me your favourite book."

She ran a hand across the side of his head and cupped his cheek. "I'll send it to you, with your gift, when it arrives."

"Promise?"

"I do."

"Something smells good," Greg said, entering the room with a newspaper in hand. "Any for me?"

"There's a pile of pancakes over there," Maura said. "Would you like me to heat them up?"

"No," Greg said. "I can do it."

"You can't leave," Luke said.

Greg placed his newspaper on the counter and walked over to the spare pancakes. "Who's leaving?"

"Mom, she has to go back to work."

"Work? Already?" Greg frowned, catching Maura's eyes as he stared at her. "I thought you were staying all morning."

"There's been a change of plan. You and Luke can continue your original plans for the day."

"When do you leave?" Greg asked.

"As soon as Luke's finished opening the pile of presents I saw in the lounge."

x

The doorway felt like a barrier between the world she wanted, and the world she had to live in. Maura stood halfway between, toeing each side of the line like she wasn't sure where her heart lay. Leaving Luke, again, was going to be difficult. But her whole life was back in Boston, and she really did have an autopsy that needed finishing.

"Please don't go," Luke said, clutching at her arms. Maura pulled him into her arms and hugged him for a few minutes. She kissed the side of his head and stepped back. "Dad, make her stay."

"I can't," he said, squeezing his shoulder. "But you'll see her again soon."

Her heart swelled in her chest, aching with every pump of blood around her body. She clutched her chest. The strain of the situation made it worse.

"Can't I go with her?"

She closed her eyes, breathing in slowly, until she could muster up what little bit of stability she had left.

"We've talked about this, Luke," Greg said. "You're staying here with me until we can decide whether you stay at Fairmont or come with me to China."

"I want to stay here; I don't want to go to China."

"Okay, we can talk about it again later. Walk your mother to her car and say goodbye."

Maura stepped out onto the front steps, Luke followed her to the car. They stood, facing each other for a moment. He was growing tall, so much so that he wasn't far off meeting her own height. Maura stared into his eyes, so familiar, and yet still so strange in many ways.

"Please don't go," he whispered, his words laced with tears. He wiped at his face.

She gripped his wrists and pulled his hands away, brushing the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs as she cupped his cheeks.

"When I held you in my arms for the very first time, it was like my whole life changed in a second. In that moment, I knew I'd never be by myself again, because I had you."

"But you didn't," he said, his shoulders shook.

"No. I didn't." She scooped him back into her arms, holding him tightly. "Whatever happens, I need you to know that I will always love you. You're my little boy, and I've missed out on so much of your life. Please know that you mean everything to me."

"Then don't go."

"I'm sorry."

Stepping away, Maura clutched Luke's fingers, holding them up to her mouth before she opened the car door and stepped inside. She started the engine and opened the window.

"Lucas," she said. He stood, staring at her like she was about to drive her car right into him. She shook her head. "Don't live your life based on how easily you can spend time with me, or your father, live it for you. If you want to go to China, go."

He shook his head. "I don't wanna."

"Because of me?"

"I…I dunno."

"If you really don't want to go, then that's okay. But don't stay for me. You're old enough to understand that the world isn't perfect. You have to live your life for you, not for anyone else. Not even your father. Okay?"

He nodded. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a great gasping sob. He stepped back as Maura wound the window back up. She waved a hand as she put the car in reverse and rolled backward down the driveway. She waved again as she set off away from the house, her son nothing more than a small shape growing smaller and smaller as she drove away.

x

Maura stood over the body when Jane walked in, her fingers deep in the man's chest. She stood by the door, her arms folded, a frown housed across her face. She didn't want to believe Frankie when he said he'd seen Maura arriving, but the evidence was right in front of her.

"You are back then."

Maura glanced at Jane, then returned her attention to the lungs she was in the middle of removing. "Yes. I'm back."

"Why didn't you call?" Jane asked, stepping forward. "Or visit. I've been upstairs all day."

"The autopsy needed completing."

"You said yourself, it wasn't urgent."

Lifting the lungs into a metal tray, Maura turned around. Her long gloves were covered in various different bodily fluids. "What do you want, Jane? I'm busy."

Staring at her harder, Jane narrowed her eyes. "I want to know why you look sad, for a start."

"I don't look sad."

"That crease," she said, pointing to her face. "The one between your eyes, that's sadness. What happened? Didn't you enjoy yourself?"

"I did." Maura sighed. "Very much."

Gritting her teeth, Jane's eyes tightened. "What did Greg do?"

"Nothing." She tugged off the gloves and disposed of them in the hazardous waste bin. "We talked. He is open to me seeing Luke again."

"Then why aren't you jumping for joy?"

"I don't know if it's a good idea."

"What?" Jane closed the gap further. Everything Maura had wanted since Luke showed up was happening. There was anything but glee in her eyes. "Why not?"

"Luke." Closing her eyes, Maura leaned against the spare autopsy table beside her, her elbows rested on the metal, her head hung low. "He got so angry."

"He does have a dick for a dad," Jane said.

Maura stood upright, shaking her head. "No. This isn't about Gregory. It's about Luke. It's my fault. He's unsettled."

"How do you know that's your fault?"

"It doesn't take a genius to know that it's unsettling for him."

The distance between them felt vast, like the intimacy they shared was a distant memory, a misnomer. She didn't want to blame it on their problems. There was a good chance it was merely because of Maura, and how she was feeling. But she couldn't help but feel the tug of guilt, of disappointment.

"So, what now?" she asked.

With barely a crack in her voice, Maura stood upright, her eyes fixed on Jane's. "Maybe I need to step back."

"Step back?" Jane's mouth dropped open. She stared at Maura, unable to decipher the feelings spread across her face.

"There's no point in doing this if it's only going to make things worse."

"In doing what?"

"Fighting for custody." Jane's heart sunk. "He's unsettled enough without me putting him through that."

She closed her mouth and stepped forward, grasping at Maura's arm, staring into her stoic eyes. "Where the fuck is this coming from? Did Greg say something to you? I'll fucking kill him."

"No. Jane." She moved away, her head bowed. As if they weren't talking about something so serious, she returned to the chest cavity of the man on the table. "We just talked. He was keen for Luke and I to spend some time together. It's me, I've realised that I need to do what's best for Luke. Even if that means letting him go."

"No. You can't do this," Jane said, walking round the table until she could see Maura's eyes.

She glanced up, the sadness in her eyes had long since gone. "It's already done."

"What?"

"I spoke to my lawyer on the drive back. He's no longer going to help me fight for custody."

"What? Maura!" Her chest heaved. She waved her arms out at her sides, helpless.

"Don't, Jane," Maura said, slipping on another pair of gloves. "Don't try to change my mind."

"You could have at least discussed it with me."

"Why? He's my child."

She stumbled back. The lump in her throat felt like a weight in her mouth, thick and painful. She breathed in slowly, trying to reform a sense of calm before she spoke. "So our relationship doesn't matter?"

"That's not what I said." Maura stared at her like she'd announced she was going to join the FBI, or the circus. "Please, Jane. This is hard enough as it is."

"Is it?"

"Of course it is."

"Then why are you so calm?"

"I've made my decision."

Gritting her teeth, Jane folded her arms and stood back. "Does Luke know?"

"Not yet."

"Are you gonna tell him?"

"I think it would be best coming from Gregory," Maura said. "He needs stability."

"He needs his mother," Jane shouted, her emotions getting the better of her.

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" Jane asked, gobsmacked. "He came to you, Maura. He loves you."

Her tone softened. "And I love him."

"Then don't do this," Jane said, reaching a hand out to Maura's arm. She pulled it back and dropped it by her side.

"It's for Luke's sake. If I love him, then I'll do what's best for him, even if it's hard."

"Bullshit!"

Maura frowned. "You can't honestly tell me I can give him everything he needs."

"Yes, you can."

She shook her head and lowered her gaze. "We get called out on cases in the middle of the night."

"He's fifteen. He can get himself out of bed and to school in the morning."

"Jane. Don't. The decision has been made." The finality in her voice only forced a battle of wills with Jane's own feelings. She closed her eyes. "It's done."

"But…" Jane said, breathing deeply.

"Jane." The stoicism receded and a hint of emotion seeped into Maura's voice. Jane's heart broke as she spoke. "Please let me get on with my work."

"Fine." She marched toward the doorway, her fist clenched at her side. "Okay."

Author Note: You're probably all really annoyed, or something, by now. But please, have faith that I'll take this in the right direction. It just takes time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and a story can't always be wrapped up quickly.