Author Note: This chapter felt like such a struggle, and I don't even know why. I don't think it was the chapter. I just haven't felt very motivated to write lately. Life has its ups and downs and there's some big changes going on in my life, though slow, so it's harder to get on and deal with. I hope the winter doesn't feel too long, because I think the cold days and dark nights does affect me more than I'd like it to. I'm going to keep trying, because I want to finish this story, and I have other stories to write.
The world felt different, like one moment had rocked it to its very core and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't return it to its previous state. Maura stood in the living room for quite some time, long after Jane left the house. She tried to think, to form thoughts, but nothing came to mind. All she felt was difference.
x
Jane's shoulders shook. The long jacket was sodden when she pulled it from her naked body like a layer of skin after a bad sunburn. The apartment didn't help, it lacked the heat she so desired and despite trying to warm it up, she still felt cold. Crawling under the bed sheets, she pulled a blanket around her shaking shoulders until her body temperature raised and she felt able to sleep.
Except that sleep evaded her.
Despite fighting for so long in their relationship, Jane wondered if she'd lost the battle. If she'd surrendered. When she thought of returning to Maura's, to fight again, she felt exhausted.
Maybe she was done. Maybe it was time to give up the fight and let Maura guide the way.
She closed her eyes and battled with the thoughts coursing through her brain like blood through her body. She didn't anticipate much sleep.
Even less so when it reached one in the morning.
x
At three, Maura banged on Jane's apartment door. She stared at the metal framework around the eyepiece, until it was replaced with Jane herself, staring bleary eyed at her. The second she saw who it was, Jane's eyes opened wider.
"What happened? Is Luke okay?"
"As far as I know, he's fine," Maura said.
Rubbing her eyes, Jane frowned. "It's the middle of the night."
Pushing past Jane, Maura walked into the apartment and turned around until Jane had closed the door. Once her full attention had been shifted back to her, Maura's resolve crumbled. She wiped at her cheeks.
"If I say it out loud, it makes it real," she said, fighting against the tears disrupting her words. "If I admit what happened, then I can't take it back."
"Admit what?"
"I don't know how to deal with the things I've put away. I don't know if I can handle the feelings that come with them."
Jane didn't respond again. She stood, silently watching her, waiting. Maura pursed her lips and stared back. She wanted her to say the words for her, she wanted her to fight for the truth like she'd already done so many times before.
For the first time, Jane said nothing.
"If I admit that he tore me apart from the inside, that he destroyed me until I was left with nothing." She closed her eyes, her whole body trembled, her teeth chattered. She swallowed the lump in her throat, but it still ached like it was there. "That hearing you talk to me like that broke me apart because I didn't think you, of all people, would ever say something like that to me."
"I didn't," Jane whispered, but Maura cut her off.
"I don't want to have to tell Lucas that his father." She paused, choking back the tears. "That his father is the reason I couldn't be a mother. That he's still the reason I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him."
Jane walked toward her. "You are."
"No." Holding her hand up, she stepped back, distancing herself from Jane slightly. "It took me…years…to understand, to learn that I didn't have to be afraid of the world. It took too much of me to even attempt to rebuild what I had. I've never put anything in a box and hidden it away, not since then, not since he did what he did."
Covering her eyes, Maura shook her head. Her heart ached, her stomach flipped about. Every word felt like a swallowed knife against her throat.
"When you left it was like everything had changed, but I couldn't piece it together. I got into bed and I couldn't, I can't…Jane, you are the reason I'm still standing. You try to make me believe in myself even when I can't find any semblance of self-belief. But tonight, tonight you knocked me down."
"I didn't mean it," Jane said, her voice broke under the strain.
"No?" She rubbed at her eyes, teardrops covered her palms.
"Of course I didn't."
She stepped forward, closing the gap. Maura crumbled into her arms. "I didn't want to believe you'd ever mean something like that."
Kissing the side of her head, Jane held her close. "I love you. I was just trying to make you see, trying to get you to talk to me. I didn't know what else to do."
"I didn't know how to face it; it was always part of myself I kept hidden."
"You're not alone now, Maura, you don't need to do this yourself."
"No." She breathed in slowly, broken sobs escaped with the shattered outward breath. "But now it's real, and I can't take it back."
"All I wanted was for you to be honest," Jane said, cradling her in her arms.
"I know," Maura whispered, clinging to her, desperate to feel her as close as possible. She rested her head against Jane's shoulder and tried to reclaim her fragile breath. "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you. Please forgive me."
Holding her out at arm's length, Jane cupped her cheeks and stared into her eyes. Maura's face crumbled. The serious expression in her eyes was too much. She longed for the comforting embrace Jane had offered moments before.
"Don't push me away again. I can't keep doing this, if you won't be honest. You're not the same person you were when you came back to Boston." She brushed tendrils of hair back from Maura's eyes. "You've got me. Whatever happens with Luke, I'm here, you just have to let me in."
She forced the fixed gaze, holding Jane's eyes steady, desperate to feel the love she could see in them. She tugged her bottom lip into her mouth with her teeth and leaned forward, brushing her lips lightly against Jane's.
Jane lowered her head, her forehead stopped against Maura's and the kiss broken apart. "We shouldn't."
"No," Maura said, trailing her fingertips across Jane's cheek. "I love you, I want to fix this. I want you to help me make this better."
Reaching for her fingers and tugging them as she stepped back, Jane grinned. "That's all I want."
x
Korsak thrust a large bunch of flowers into Jane's arms the second she entered the bullpen. She frowned and dropped them on her desk, searching for the card that came with them. The only person who could possibly be sending her an expensive bunch of flowers was the one person who knew such an outward portrayal of romance was not her favourite thing.
"They're from Maura," Korsak said, swooning.
Jane narrowed her eyes. He was right. 'Love Maura' the card read. She punched him playfully on the arm and rolled her eyes. Attached to the card was an envelope. She untucked the back and pulled out a pair of tickets and additional note.
'Jane, the flowers are because sometimes I want other people to know how much you mean to me. The tickets are so you know. Love Maura'
"What you got there?" Frankie asked, snatching the tickets from her hands. She reached forward but he held them back. "Ooh, Red Sox tickets, and your favourite seats! She must love you."
"Shut it," Jane said, smacking him hard across the arm prompting him to drop the tickets. She slipped them into the inside pocket of her jacket and sat down. "We've got a case to crack, stop caring so much about my love life."
She stared down at the case file, at the lack of new information. Her shoulders dropped. She flicked through each piece, one by one, ignoring the childish glances she knew Korsak and Frankie were exchanging.
x
"We're never going to find Albert Smithson's killer," Jane said, slouching into the seat opposite Maura's desk.
"Hello, Jane," Maura said, interlinking her fingers and placing them on the desk in front of her.
"Everyone's expecting an answer and I haven't got one."
"You will."
"How do you know?"
Maura reached out and Jane gripped her hand. "You're a great detective. Maybe you have the key to the answer, maybe you just haven't quite found the lock."
"Jeez, Maur, I don't even understand what that means right now. My brain is fried."
"How about you go through what you know?" She squeezed Jane's fingers tightly. "It might help to talk it through."
"I hate the flowers," Jane said. The disappointment in Maura's eyes would have upset her. She grinned. "But thank you."
"I realised I never actually apologised to you. I need you to know how sorry I am, for everything. I could have made things so much easier by being honest."
Jane shrugged. "Let's face it, Maura, I'm hardly the person to lecture you on honesty."
"That may be so, but I'm still sorry that my lack of honesty hurt you."
"You looking forward to the game?"
"I am," Maura said. "Now would you like help with the case or not? Whilst I'd love to sit here and talk about baseball all day."
"Liar!"
Maura smirked. "Whilst I'd love to talk to you all day, there was a vehicular accident yesterday and I, unfortunately, have an autopsy to carry out on a pregnant woman. I don't have long."
"Albert Smithson met his sister and they had sex," Jane said. "Later he discovered the truth, he found out she has a son, and an abusive ex-boyfriend. So he bought the factory Eric Friedsan worked for and started working there as an employee. He paid Friedsan money to get him off Sarah's back, and Sarah money to help her out. She didn't spend the money. Albert was killed by a gunshot wound. Friedsan later broke into Sarah's home, became abusive, and her son hit him on the head. He later died."
"And you're sure Friedsan didn't kill Albert?"
"The only connection they have is as work colleagues. For all we know the money being paid to Friedsan was done anonymously through his company. Though Sarah did imply that Friedsan knew about her relationship with Albert."
Maura frowned. "Did Friedsan know he was her brother?"
"Sarah said she didn't think so." Jane let go of Maura's hand and sat back. "It's possible, but we have no evidence to prove that he had that motive. His only known motive was ex-boyfriend to new boyfriend."
"How likely is that to be a valid motive?"
"Friedsan has no priors for assault or battery, he has a couple for possession of marijuana but that's all."
"What about Sarah's son?" Maura asked.
Jane shrugged. "What about him?"
"Is Friedsan his father?"
"I…don't actually know." Jane stood up, her eyebrows tugged together in thought. "Are you implying he could be a suspect?"
Sighing, Maura shook her head. "I don't like to think that a child could be capable of murder, but it's a line of enquiry you shouldn't overlook."
x
Maura pressed her cellphone to her ear and blocked out the sound of the shower in the bathroom. She paused, waiting for the person to respond to her greeting. When nobody spoke, she tried again.
"Hello?"
Silence. She lowered the phone and checked the caller ID. Unknown. She lifted the phone back to her ear. The dialing tone sang out. She sighed and dropped the cell back onto her bed, then went for her morning shower.
As she dried off, the cellphone rang again. The caller ID showed an unknown number. Tugging her eyebrows together, Maura answered the call.
"Isles." Nothing. She listened harder, could hear the sound of wind travelling into the handset. "Hello, can I help you?"
She closed her eyes. She hated crank calls. The only people who usually called her on her cell were BPD and her friends or family. She rarely gave it out. Then again, given her high profile, she expected it wouldn't be difficult to track down her number.
The number of people she'd help convict. The number of angry people she'd help put behind bars.
"I'm going to hang up now," she said, and before she could the dialing tone rang out. She sighed again and lowered herself onto the bed, her towel slipped from her shoulders. She let it drop and proceeded to get ready.
x
The man's lungs were blackened, cilia damaged beyond repair. Maura wasn't sure how the man was standing long enough to have suffered only heart failure. She could see evidence of the early stages of lung cancer, tiny growths barely big enough to cause issue on an already damaged respiratory system. If his heart hadn't killed him, it was only a matter of time before his lungs would have.
Her cellphone rang across the examination room. She lowered the piece of lung back into the container and slipped off her gloves. She reached for her phone.
"Isles."
Silence. Maura sighed. She wasn't in the mood to start this game again.
"Hello?"
She held the phone at a distance, another unknown number. She returned it to her ear and listened intently. She could hear the faint sound of someone breathing. It sounded like they were outside, but she couldn't pinpoint the location any further. After a moment's silence at her end, the line went dead.
Maura returned her cell to the table and snapped on a fresh pair of gloves. Despite finding the cause of death of Mr Hemsworth, she still had to prepare his body for delivery to the funeral home. The Y incision was still open.
One the organs were returned to his body, Maura proceeded to stitch him back up. Another unexplained death explained. Another story to tell another bereft family that at least one member would not learn from.
Her phone rang again. Maura ignored it until she'd finished her work and the man's body had been stitched back together. The call had ended by the time she slipped off her gloves again. She washed her hands thoroughly.
As she reached for her cell, it rang again. Caller ID: Unknown. Maura sighed and lifted it to her ear.
"Isles." Nothing. "I know somebody's there, speak."
Silence. The call ended. Maura checked the call log. Her suspicion that the missed call would also be from an unknown number was confirmed.
She finished tidying up then returned to her office where she completed the paperwork on Mr Hemsworth. Over the next hour, she answered and ignored half a dozen more calls. Once the final call had ended, she dialed Jane's number.
"Can you come down to my office, please?"
It was difficult to pinpoint how unsettling the crank calls were, until Maura saw Jane's face in the doorway and she felt a sense of calm. She stood up, walked across the room, and slipped her arms around Jane's waist, pulling her in close.
"I didn't realise I was coming down for a booty call," Jane said, squeezing her tightly.
"No booty call," Maura said. "Just a hug."
"What's going on?" Jane stepped back, holding her out at arm's length. She stared into Maura's eyes and ran a couple of fingertips across her cheek. "What's wrong?"
She counted the calls in her head. "Thirteen crank calls."
"To you?"
"Yes."
"Since?"
"Since this morning. I got the first one at around seven fifteen before I took a shower. The last one came." Maura paused. The phone lit up again. She glanced from the 'unknown' ID, to Jane.
Jane snatched the phone from the desk before Maura could react. "Rizzoli."
She frowned.
"You listen to me, you little punk, you better stop calling this number or I'll put a trace on your calls. You understand?"
She hung up, and put the cell back on the desk.
"That should do it."
"It depends who's calling," Maura said.
"If it carries on we'll put a trace on your cell."
"Thank you."
Wrapping her arms back around Maura's waist, Jane held her tightly. Maura rested her head against Jane's shoulder and closed her eyes, settled by the comforting embrace of her girlfriend. She breathed in her familiar scent, ran her fingers across the normality of Jane's button-up shirt material. She felt at home.
x
Jane's laughter made Maura's heart swell. It had been nearly a week since she'd left Luke. A week since her son had turned fifteen and she'd had to say goodbye. She still didn't know what to do for the best, but Jane's laughter made it feel that little bit easier. She trailed her fingers across her bare arm, replacing them with her lips.
"What happened to celibacy?" Jane asked, resting her hands-on Maura's shoulders, but not forcing her away from her skin. She shuddered under Maura's touch.
"It's been long enough," she said, between kisses. "Sleeping naked in the same bed is one step away, you can't tell me you haven't wanted to do this."
"No," Jane whispered, slipping down under the covers and pulling Maura across her front. "I've wanted to do this so many times, but we made a rule."
Maura moved her lips across Jane's shoulders and down the centre of her chest. One kiss at a time, in between speaking. "Rules. Are. Meant. To. Be. Broken."
Jane scoffed. "Doctor Maura Isles!"
"Sometimes," she said, smirking.
Maura's cell rang on the bedside table. She froze, glanced up at Jane, who stared back at her. The calls hadn't ended, though they become less frequent. She tensed up. To say the calls hadn't unsettled her would be a lie. Jane reached out and grabbed her cell, but the call had already ended.
"It might not be another crank," Jane said, putting the phone back. "This one had a number I didn't recognise."
Lying on her back, beside her, Maura sighed. "You and I both know it probably was."
"But all of the other calls have been unknown numbers."
"Maybe they got sloppy."
"Maybe."
The doorbell rang. Maura sat up, a chill reached her bare skin and she regretted not spending the last minute wrapped up in Jane's arms. Jane skirted a hand around her waist and pulled her back down, peppering her with kisses.
"Jane," Maura said, her mind too distracted. She rolled onto her back again.
"Ignore them."
"I can't. I'm expecting a delivery."
"I'll go."
Before she could respond, Jane sprang out of bed, slipped on Maura's robe, and ran for the stairs. She pulled the bed sheets up around her front and focused on the depth of feelings coursing through her veins. A mixture of warmth, of love, at Jane being in her life, and a sense of foreboding that she couldn't quite shake.
"Maura!" Jane shouted, from the hallway. The sense of foreboding only increased as she pulled on a pair of Jane's sweat pants and a sweater.
At the bottom of the stairs, she froze. Her whole body felt like ice. Jane stared at her, as she stared at Gregory, stood in the doorway. She looked back to Jane, who frowned and reached for her hand.
"Luke's missing."