Chapter Two
I was rather grateful when I woke up a little better than I did the previous morning. It also could have been the two trips to the bathroom I'd had to take during the night that kept me from delving too deep into any buried memories, though. Whatever the reason, it was nice.
It being Saturday, nobody had school so Hunter stayed home when Mike left for work. Unfortunately, Hunter deemed it necessary for me to be awake as soon as possible, so sleeping in was a bust. That part wasn't as nice, but I was used to it.
Zack, of course, left pretty early to go find something to get into with his other friends, and Josh went right after him to head to his weekend job repairing cars. Leaving Heather and I to watch Hunter ourselves and lounge around the house. Hunter was such an easy-going kid, it wasn't such a chore to watch him. Especially when all he really needed was either access to outside, some puzzle or pad of paper to keep him happy.
Between watching some movie marathon on TV, we watched him kneeling beside the coffee table with his coloring book and pile of crayons spread out everywhere. He minded his own business, focusing on his crayons.
"I worry." Heather broke the silence while the commercials were muted and I looked over.
"About what?" I asked.
"Him." She answered, nodding toward Hunter, "I guess I shouldn't say I'm worried, but I am a little concerned."
"What about him?" I prompted, leaning back and lounging more comfortably on the couch, "He's a good kid."
"He doesn't have many friends." She replied, "The only time he's really around any kids his age is at school." I immediately waved it off.
"He's fine." I told her, "He's only five. Give him time. He's probably just being smart about who he's friends with." She laughed a little.
"You really think?"
"He's a smart kid." I said, "When most kids are making friends based only on the fact that they're the same size, he looks at people differently. There's nothing wrong with that."
"I'm not saying there's anything wrong." She replied, "I'm just a little concerned."
"Don't be." I smiled a little, "You have enough stuff to worry about. Watch." I looked over at Hunter, "Hunter, what do you think about the kids in your class?"
"They're nice." He replied easily, not bothering to look up from his page, but that was really all he offered.
"Maybe he's just shy." I suggested, laughing again as I looked to Heather once more, "At least he's not as bad as I used to be. Trust me. If he was, then you'd have something to worry about."
"Look." Hunter said, standing up and bringing our attention back over to him. He lifted the page he'd been scribbling on, and I noticed that he'd been scribbling on the blank backside of one of the coloring pages. He handed me the page with a beaming smile.
It was a pretty decently drawn teddy bear. Decently drawn for a five-year-old, anyway. At very least I could tell what it was. I couldn't help smiling at it.
"Aw." I smiled at him now, "That's really good, Hunter." Even if it had looked like undecipherable trash, I would have told him that it was good. I learned awhile back that making him happy oddly made me happy. I didn't quite understand it, but I also didn't question it much.
"It's a teddy bear." He said proudly, "I learned how to draw it yesterday, and I made it for the baby." It took me a second to wrap my mind around what he'd said. When I finally did, my stomach dropped and it took me another second to remember to take a breath.
"Oh?" I managed to ask in an almost casual tone, but my mind was too blank to come up with much else. Only one question was able to cross my mind.
How did he know about it?
How did my little half-brother know about the pregnancy I hid even now? The result of that night three months before in Seattle with Andrew. The reason behind my constant distraction. How did he know about it when nobody else did?
"You're the baby." Heather laughed, but he shook his head.
"Not me." He said, "The other baby. He's not born yet." Nervously, I looked over at Heather, but her eyes were still on Hunter. Her smile still in place.
"Oh, the other baby." She played along, though.
"Yeah." He replied just as proudly, directing his next question at me, "Do you think he'll like it?"
He seemed so sure, and it caught me so far off guard, but I knew I had to play it down.
"Yeah." I answered him, "Yeah, I think so." Obviously pleased with that answer, he gave a firm nod and turned around. Heading back to his spot at the table, and getting right back into his coloring.
"Strange kid." Heather laughed quietly, "He's been going on about that baby for a month now." I still felt like I couldn't breathe, and that was freaking me out. I needed to get a hold of myself.
Placing the picture carefully on the table, I stood up.
"I'll be right back." I mumbled before she could ask. I couldn't even look at her now. Afraid that if I did, she would read my expression like an open book.
"Okay." She seemed a little puzzled, but not quite suspicious.
I walked as calmly as I could for the bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I took a deep breath, turning on the water in the sink. It wasn't too hard to calm down. It just took me off guard to hear him talk about it like that.
Really for the first time, despite having plenty of opportunity, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. A deep sense of shame keeping my gaze averted. It really began to occur to me right then. I let myself down just as much as I let everyone else down. That was a hard concept to face.
I always used to consider me to be the only one on my side. I'd never let myself down like this, doing something like this for seemingly no reason. I was better than this. At least I liked to think so.
Hunter, in his innocence, had just made it far more real than it had been before.
I took my time in there, focusing on my breathing and calming down. I couldn't believe how close I'd just come to completely blowing it. Sure, it took me off guard, but I needed to cool it before my reaction raised suspicion.
Heather looked over as I returned, "You okay?"
"Yeah." I replied, sitting back down next to her, "Just feeling off lately."
"Maybe you're pregnant." She laughed, and though it was a joke, I still felt myself pale again.
I forced a humorless laugh, and that was apparently response enough. I was grateful for that, though, because I really didn't want to outright lie to her. Especially because I knew she'd have to find out the truth sooner or later.
I couldn't help thinking through the rest of the day, though, that I'd just missed an opportunity to tell her without having to outright say it. To me, that was going to be the hardest part. She needed to know eventually. That much was obvious, but outright saying it was going to be so hard because I'd already waited so long.
Having known for sure for over two weeks by now, it'd taken me this long for it to begin sinking in. The free clinic was at least good enough to give me the answer I was looking for. Nothing more. I went in, peed in a cup, and waited. Before they even told me what the result was, a nurse was coming in with a folder full of pamphlets all about pregnancy.
That thing went straight into the trash can outside the second I left.
In my defense, I thought, the first few months of waiting was just waiting for my period to show up. Pregnancy didn't even cross my mind until this month. When it failed to show up for the third time in a row, I decided I needed to look further into it.
It wasn't even the first thing I thought of, since I didn't have a whole lot of the symptoms. The things I'd heard mostly involved a lot of sleeping, crying and throwing up. I slept my normal time, and was maybe a bit queasy now and then. I had yet to throw up at all, and I only really lost my appetite when I found out. That certainly took me off guard.
Other than being a bit more emotional than normal, I still didn't have many symptoms, which was making this whole thing almost easy to ignore. When my little brother didn't decide to point it out.
Even what I remembered of being pregnant last time, which wasn't even fair to compare, this time was so different. Last time, it was obvious almost immediately. This was far more subtle and so far had been pretty easy to hide. I did what I could to forget that as well.
The issue now was coming to terms with it myself, and somehow coming around to telling Heather. I wanted her to know first because she would have to be my ally when it came to telling Mike. I was so afraid of telling him for multiple reasons. Mainly, I just didn't know how he would react. Either way, he would be really disappointed. I wanted to put that off for as long as I could.
I wasn't even sixteen yet. I knew that that would be one of the first things to be brought up.
What would Josh and Zack think? This wasn't me. I wasn't the type of person to ever find myself in a situation like this, which was why I was having such a hard time with this. I didn't blame Andrew in the least, though he was definitely in on it. We were paired in the hotel room together, and on the last night of the really amazing weekend, one thing led to another..
Realistically, Andrew would need to know. I knew that, but in my mind, I didn't want to ruin whatever kind of future he would have by somehow making him think he needed to help me out with whatever decisions I needed to make. I cared about him too much.
The issue was that I really wasn't even sure how I felt about him. Yeah, I cared about him, but I wasn't really sure if I loved him. It was just an opportunity that we both took. One time on a night I didn't want to end, I pushed the boundaries and it burned me.
Whatever happened, though, the first and most obvious solution wasn't going to happen. That wasn't an option for me, because I'd made the mistake. It was on me, not the baby. I didn't really care what I'd have to go through.
There was, of course, adoption, but what kind of family would the baby go to? Adoption hadn't worked that well for me in the past, and if I could spare it that kind of heartbreak, I really wanted to spare it.
"Leandra?" Heather finally noticed my distraction, "You okay, honey?"
"Yeah." I muttered, shaking myself out of it, "Just thinking." Her expression softened in concern and she sighed. I sighed as well, "I know what you're thinking, but no. It's not about them. I promise I won't wind up like that again."
That had been a horrible, dark time. Losing them the way I did left its mark on not just me, but everyone. I wasn't the only one who suffered immeasurably, and I'd never forgive myself for hurting Heather the way I did, but it certainly brought us closer.
Heather's concern was certainly warranted.
I was a little surprised as she shut off the TV, "Let's sit out front."
I was definitely up for that. The front porch had a padded, painted white swinging bench off to the right, and it was an awesome place to sit and people watch as we wasted time. The front yard was also gated and fenced, making it easier for Hunter to be out there when we might not have been.
Of course he followed. We'd been inside all morning, and nearly all afternoon. He'd built up an impressive bit of energy that he needed to get out while we sat there watching him. It was pretty amazing to remember how not that long ago, he was just a baby that I hated. Unfortunately, it was also pretty depressing to look at him.
Every time I looked at him, a part of my mind thought back to my mom. How one decision on her part could save him from ever knowing what it meant to have a hard life. Her sacrifice for him, dropping him off here, was the best thing she ever could have done for him. He was just a baby then, so there's no way he could remember her, but I always vowed to tell him when he was older what she was like.
After about an hour of sitting there, chatting about this or that, I helped her get a quick dinner started, while we waited for everyone else to get home from their various activities.
It wasn't the most exciting life, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything. The early summer breeze upsetting the sweet scent of rain that seemed to permanently linger over the area. Despite it being a pretty clear day.
"Are we going anywhere this summer?" I asked, ending the momentary silence between us. It was a normal question. I ached for normal. It comforted me, sitting side-by-side here with her like I had so often when I was younger. Even if she had no idea what I was going through.
"Oh, I don't know." She sighed, "Maybe. Depending on how much time off work we can get, I don't see why not."
"Let the guys stay here." I suggested, "We can just go." She laughed a little, looking over at me.
"That doesn't sound too bad." She admitted, "Road trip without the hassle."
"That sure sounds nice right about now." I nodded, lightly resting my head on her shoulder. She allowed that, patting my hands. One hand coming up to gently smooth the side of my head.
"Where would you want to go?" She asked.
"Anywhere." I replied after a few seconds of thought, "It doesn't matter to me. Somewhere warm, but not too warm, and with lots of stuff to do."
"We could go visit Rochester." She suggested.
"And take our time getting there this time." I smiled. I knew it was a long shot, but it was nice to make plans like this anyway. I honestly didn't mind the thought of visiting Mike's sister and her family. I liked them.
A brief thought of Alyssa crossed my mind. Just like it did whenever New York was brought up. I wondered how she was doing, not having spoken to her in quite a long time. I stopped those thoughts there, though. I really didn't want to let them wander too far.
More silence softly took hold, and my heart pounded faster as I realized I needed to fill it with something. Was now really the time?
"Um.." My voice was hesitant, and she immediately caught on. Looking over as I spoke again, "I have to tell you something. Um.. Can you wait until I explain before getting super mad?"
Concern crossed her features as she turned a little to face me better, "What is it?"
My nervousness tripled, and I fell quiet as I stared down at my hands.
"Honey, you know no matter what it is, you can tell me." She read my hesitancy like an open book.
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Mike chose that time to get home, pulling up into the driveway. Taking our attention, and completely changing my mind about coming clean right then.
She glanced to me, and I shook my head with a small laugh.
"It's okay." I told her, "I'll tell you later."
I knew that this wasn't going anywhere, and it could wait. Seeing that I believed what I told her, she offered a smile of her own and patted my cheek gently.
I watched Heather as she stood up to go greet him at the gate. I was glad to see that he didn't have much paperwork with him this time, and greeted her without seeming too distracted. Naturally, Hunter ran over to greet him as well, and Mike wasted no time in picking him up. Mike seemed to be in a pretty good mood, and for the briefest moments, I considered whether or not now would be the time to come clean to both of them. I had an opportunity staring me in the face.
I shot that idea down just as fast as it crossed my mind. I didn't want to ruin his good mood. It was almost rare these days to see him in a good mood. I watched them as they stepped closer to the house together. Ascending the porch steps.
"Hey, kiddo." Mike greeted me easily, and I smiled in response. Though that smile couldn't have been too genuine. I was so afraid of letting him down, I avoided him a lot these days.
Josh got home right then as well, giving me an excuse to focus on something else.
"I've got something to talk to you about." Mike spoke, but he was looking at Heather.
"I'll watch him." I offered, reaching for Hunter. Mike gratefully handed him to me with a light nod of thanks and Hunter settled on the swing next to me. Somehow, I doubted there would be very much talking going on.
"Dinner's in twenty." Heather said as Josh reached the porch, "Go get cleaned up." He nodded, hugging her briefly as he wandered inside, "Leandra, please find out where Zack is, and tell him to get his butt home."
"Will do." I replied, pulling my cell phone from my pocket as she went into the house with Mike. The screen door thumped shut behind her, among Josh's exclamations of appreciation for the way dinner was smelling. I sent a quick text message to Zack, relaying the message requested of me. I hadn't seen him all day, so I knew he was up to no good.
Once that was out of the way, I continued to sit there. I wasn't ready to get up yet, far too comfortable on the porch. Hunter jumped up and went back to playing, having found a half flat basketball in the bushes to kick around. I watched the old guy across the street come out to refill his bird-feeder, and listened to the kids three houses down play on the trampoline in their front yard.
"'Kay." Was the responding text I received from Zack. I rolled my eyes, setting my phone to the side. I couldn't exactly blame Zack for looking for adventure during his weekends, but it bugged me that he never told anyone where he went and what he was up to. I always knew he was fine, that he'd never really found trouble, but it still bugged me.
I watched across the street as the old guy bunched up the half-full bag of bird feed, taking a minute to look over his wife's garden of flowers on his way back into the house. The freshly watered rich, manicured lawn glinting in the left over sunlight. Some kid usually came by from up the street every Wednesday to help them take care of that lawn for an extra ten bucks, since they were getting up there in age.
It was a quiet neighborhood. Nothing ever really going on. The kind of neighborhood where ninety percent of its residents knew each other, and asked about one set of kids or another when paths crossed. Curious, but not really the gossiping type. This was where I'd done most of my growing up. Where I'd lived for the second longest portion of my life so far. It wasn't bad. Just boring sometimes.
I sat there, zoning out like I usually did, waiting for Zack to come around the corner. Across the street, the old guy had just gotten back inside when I noticed something odd. The speed limit for people driving on this street was a comfortable twenty miles per hour, considering nearly every household on this block had kids. Some younger than others, obviously. Typical small town neighborhood.
They didn't want them getting run over by some crack-head going sixty, and most people stuck to that speed limit, but the car that drove by this time was going, at most, ten miles per hour. As if looking for a certain residence that they'd never been to before. It puzzled me, because that wasn't something that normally happened.
The car itself wasn't too fancy, but somehow different than the ones I normally saw on this street. Something about it seemed out of place, and I couldn't deny that it'd definitely caught my attention. I sat further upright from where I lounged on the bench as if that could help me see it better.
It just kept going.
I waved it off as some brand new pizza delivery guy, looking over as Zack arrived, rounding the end of the hedges next door. Now distracted by his arrival, I stood up, picking up my phone as I did so. Descending the porch steps to his side as he approached the gate.
I glanced up the street, easily spotting the car again, but that was the last bit of attention I gave it.
"Where the hell have you been?" I had to ask him that every time I saw him. He stepped through the gate with me following suit.
"Places." He answered, throwing his arm around my shoulders and leading me up the front walk. Typical answer. I shook my head, sighing as we ascended the porch steps together. Releasing me, he went into the house on his own.
"That smells good!" I laughed, though, at his exclaim the second he was in the house. I smiled a little, hesitating by the front door as I watched Zack make his way into the kitchen.
"Hunter." I rounded to look at him in the yard, "Come on, buddy. Come get cleaned up for dinner." Of course he willingly came toward the door. He was such an easy kid, hardly ever arguing anymore.
I followed him inside, letting the screen door thump shut behind me as I led him toward the hall bathroom.
"Wash your face too, kid." I told him as he walked into the bathroom.
"'Kay." Was his response as he walked in. I couldn't help laughing a little at how he'd probably learned that from Zack.
I continued on into the kitchen to check on dinner to make sure it was doing okay. I was glad I did, because it was done. I pulled it out of the oven and set it to the side to rest for a minute while I got to work on setting the table. Nothing fancy, just the necessities.
I'd learned quite a bit from watching Heather. I wasn't really surprised, though. I'd looked up to her from the time I first saw her.
I also lived for the mundane tasks of day-to-day life. Lazy days, or chores. Little things, tasks to keep me distracted. Those were what kept my mind busy enough to stay put, and not let my thoughts wander.
I listened to Zack run into Hunter in the hallway, and Hunter's giggles as Zack flipped him off of his feet on their way through the kitchen doorway made me smile a little.
"You know." Zack spoke, letting Hunter back onto his feet, "You're driving Andrew nuts."
"How?" I asked, suddenly defensive. Accidentally setting a plate down a little too hard. What had I done now?
"You told him yesterday that you'd text him." He replied, "Poor kid has been looking at his phone all day."
"I said I'd text him when I was ready to talk." I clarified, "I guess I should have said it probably wouldn't be for awhile."
"Probably." He nodded a little, "What'd you do to him, anyway? He never used to be this obsessed with you."
"Nothing." I muttered, setting the last plate in place. I averted my gaze when I noticed him looking harder at me. Suspicion clear in his blue eyes.
"And you've been acting so weird." He went on, and I began to get nervous, "Avoiding him for no reason.." He was looking further into it. I could almost hear him trying to figure it out.
"Zack." I grumbled a warning, glaring at him briefly as I turned for the cups, "Leave it alone."
"Oh God." He sudden gasped a laugh, "Tell me you didn't." I set the cup down roughly, turned and pinned him against the refrigerator by his shirt in one smooth movement. He just continued laughing, though, despite the magnets that slid free and hit the floor.
"You tell anyone.." I started, "So help me-"
"If you're going to kill him," Heather walked in, "Please do it outside. I just mopped the floor."
"Relax." Zack laughed, lightly pushing me away and freeing himself, "I'm not going to, but you still should talk to him. You can't just do that." Stepping around me, he got to work on my abandoned task of gathering the cups.
"Who?" Heather asked, checking on the pan holding dinner, "Andrew? I agree, honey. You should talk to him."
"I agree, too." Josh led Mike into the kitchen, "I feel bad for him. If what I think happened between you two happened, it's kind of discouraging when she stops talking to him right after."
"What?" I gasped this time, suddenly humiliated. He knew?
"We're not stupid." Josh laughed this time, "Did you really think we didn't know? If I had known that this was what you were so worked up about, I would have given you this advice a lot sooner."
"You knew?" Zack asked, "Well, damn. I just now figured it out." Surprised, I looked to Heather who only returned a sheepish smile.
"Sorry, sweetie." She said, "It wasn't hard to figure out."
"Common knowledge." Mike added.
"How am I not grounded, then?" I had to ask.
"Well, you're fifteen." She replied, "Things are bound to happen. As long as you're careful and taking precautions-"
"Oh God." I groaned, turning to face the counter and covering my face.
"I'm not happy with it," She went on, "And I do wish you'd have waited, but you're a big girl. I'm not going to sit here and tell you everything you already know. That's a big step. I just hope you were prepared-"
"O-kay." I whined, still unable to look at anyone.
"I didn't want to embarrass you by bringing it up before." Heather admitted.
"A little late for that." I muttered into my hands.
"Oh, come on." Zack smiled beside me, turning me around and putting his arm around my shoulders again, "It's not that bad. Look at the bright side. Now that you know everyone knows, maybe you can stop moping around like your goldfish died."
I had to have been ten shades of red by then, nearly in tears, but he did have a point. It was a little useless being embarrassed over something everyone had known for awhile now. It would also make telling them the other half of the news a bit easier. At least I hoped.
"So what was it like?" Zack asked, and without hesitation, I punched him in his arm.
"Now, stop." Heather scolded lightly, "I think we should change the subject."
"I agree." I grumbled, glaring at Zack rubbing his arm.
"I'll be grocery shopping tomorrow." Heather went on, "Anyone have any requests?"
"Thank you!" Zack sighed, "You really should buy food more often, mom. We've been living on dust mites and fumes."
Everyone, including Zack, knew that wasn't true, but it was funny nonetheless. It even had me laughing. Which I wouldn't have thought possible right then.
"Not true." Josh defended her anyway.
"I swear," Zack countered, "I saw Hunter chewing on a dead battery the other day, just to stay alive."
"Nuh-uh." Hunter piped up, obviously unhappy with the partial blame being put on him. He didn't fully understand that it was all a joke.
"Stop." Heather laughed, lightly smoothing Hunter's hair.
Zack did bug me sometimes, but he always managed to make up for it with humor not long later. Especially when I didn't want to forgive him.
I was silent all through dinner, despite how the subject had changed fast, and it felt like my blush never faded. I tried hard to comfort myself with the thought that they'd known for awhile, but it was difficult. Just because I now knew that they knew.
Maybe it was made harder by the fact that they didn't know the full story. There was one big issue that they didn't know.
I was so used to being honest with them. This really did prove that they knew me better than I thought they did. Holding this back from them was killing me, and had been since I found out, but I was stuck. I hadn't the slightest clue how to tell them. I just figured it would be easier when I could come to terms with it on my own first, but the pressure was squeezing me.
Why was this so hard? Sure, I was worried about disappointing absolutely everyone I cared about anymore, but I knew they wouldn't disown me over it. Heather wouldn't let them.
I had to really wonder. There was a pressure squeezing me, but for the first time, I questioned whether it was all about this problem. For the first time, it didn't seem like that was the only problem. For the first time, it felt different. Heavier than it should be. That made me edgy.
I managed to make it through dinner, hardly touching anything on my plate. Without a word of explanation, I left the kitchen and slipped outside through the front door. By now, the sun had set, but the sky was still holding a small bit of daylight. Enough to see around myself.
I headed up the walk, toward the gate. Of course I wasn't going anywhere, stopping at the gate to lean against it. I'd been feeling just a little bit claustrophobic in there, and the slow evening breeze felt nice.
"Leandra?" Of course Heather had to follow me. The quiet support in her tone only tried to stir up emotions I didn't need stirred up. I kept my eyes down as she approached my side. "Honey, what's wrong?"
I shook my head, hoping she'd accept that as an answer. Thankfully, she did, only reaching over to hug me with a sigh. It was like she knew. Of course she knew. She knew full well that I'd tell her when I was ready to. I just really didn't want to lose the support she'd always given me.
I was so afraid of losing her too, but I felt like the longer I waited to tell her, the closer I came to getting just that. Yet, I couldn't.
"I was worried about this." Heather murmured as I pulled back, just to look down again.
"About what?" I sniffled quietly.
"You weren't ready." She replied, and I understood where her thoughts were. I shook my head again.
"It's not that."
"Then please." She said, "Talk to me. What's bothering you so much? If it's-"
"It's not about that either." I insisted, "Why can't you guys just leave me alone?" I instantly hated myself as I turned around and headed back for the house. I just needed some time, and nobody was giving me that.
I made it up the stairs and into my room, thankfully. Standing just behind my closed door, covering my face and taking a breath. I knew they were all just worried about me, and with the way I was acting, it was easy to see why.
I just needed time, I told myself. Only time.
A/N: There we have it. Chapter two down. :)
THANK YOU to my amazing reviewers! You're AMAZING!
I know there isn't much going on yet, but we're still pretty early in the story. I know it's been pretty boring, but it'll pick up soon.
Another short A/N here. I just hope this chapter was worth the read. :)
Chapter three will be along soon, without too much of a wait.
Until three, my friends! :D