Chapter Four
It was the last day of school the following morning. It was only half a day, and I knew most of the school wasn't going to show up. Once again, I debated even going. I didn't like anyone there enough to want to see them one more time before the summer stole everyone. The only ones I cared about were ones I'd be seeing pretty much every day.
However, I was promised pizza at the end of the half day, so that got me out of bed. It was a little childish to let pizza be a motivator, but nowadays, I was pretty much ruled by what my stomach wanted or didn't want. It wanted that pizza, and who doesn't give in to free pizza?
Zack hitched a ride with Josh and me today, which wasn't a huge surprise. Since it wasn't raining, both Zack and I chose to ride in the back of Josh's truck. I had my hair pulled back in a messy bun, so I wasn't worried about the wind messing it up. It was a warm enough morning for us to both sit back there comfortably, and it helped wake me up a little more, so I wasn't exactly complaining at Zack's idea. It was actually pretty nice.
To my slight surprise, Andrew was waiting for us in the parking lot when we pulled up. Right at Josh's usual parking spot. Normally, he gave me my space, but I gathered that he figured it was okay to approach me. He wasn't exactly wrong. Especially after our talk the day before. He was in on it, so that made me okay with him again.
Climbing out, however, my hand wasn't braced right and it slipped on the edge of the bed. I started to fall backwards. Before I could panic too much, Andrew managed to catch me around the waist. Once my brief moment of panic was gone, I looked back at him as he looked to me. Seeming just as surprised as I was.
"Good catch, bro." Zack laughed, shocked, "That could have sucked." What was so strange about it, is that Zack had been closer to me than Andrew had been. From what I could tell, both had reacted at the same time, but Andrew reached me first.
Andrew was still holding me, though, despite how my feet were now safely on the pavement. He seemed to be studying me, and it only just occurred to me that his hands were fully braced against the top of my stomach. Right over top of the defined bump I was getting.
He might not be able to fully tell yet, but my stomach was definitely firmer than it should have been. I knew that because I'd pressed and poked so much myself just to see how noticeable it was now. He gave the slightest bit of pressure against my stomach, as if figuring that out himself.
Realizing that, I stepped forward. Out of his embrace.
"Yeah." Andrew finally replied to Zack, "That would have sucked." He laughed, but the sound was tense. I cursed the thinner shirt I wore today. I should have worn a sweater or something.
Shit. That had to have freaked him out. After all, it was the first real proof he'd been given.
"Thanks." I muttered to him, and he nodded a little in response. I could only guess what was going through his mind.
I couldn't help the fact that I was blushing, and of course, that's all that Zack saw. Giving me a knowing smile. Josh just shook his head, laughing a little as he went on his way. I took his lead, heading toward the school and leaving both Zack and Andrew to watch after me.
"You okay?" Josh asked before we parted ways inside. He really didn't have to show up today, but he chose to. Probably more for me than anyone else. Knowing that I'd been having a hard time with something made him react protectively.
"I'm fine." I replied, but I was getting tired of saying that, "Just a little clumsy today, I guess."
"Okay." He sighed, a little skeptical. I wasn't usually the clumsy type. I gave him a look, and hugged him. He returned it, of course, standing with me in the middle of the hallway.
It really was times like this that I was more than glad I'd made the decision that I'd made to leave him here. More so when I thought back over the last few years. How essential he was to my recovery. I knew that I truly couldn't have moved on and gotten as far as I did without him. It was a tough one, but I knew I'd made the right choice.
"See you after school." He said, pulling back, "I'm free until three." I nodded, smiling a little.
"Josh, you big softy." Zack chuckled, and I finally noticed that both he and Andrew had caught up, "She'll be fine." I distinctly noticed Josh's very brief glance toward Andrew, so I knew what he was thinking.
"Yeah, well.." Josh shrugged, "Can't be too careful."
With that, we all pretty much parted ways until later. I didn't have any classes with either Andrew or Zack, so I had a few hours to myself. We wouldn't see each other until the last hour before school was 'out', when the whole school would apparently meet in the cafeteria for pizza and be dismissed from there. All thirty of us that had decided to actually show up.
Of course there was no real work to be done. Every class was about socializing. Signing yearbooks and making sure everyone had updated phone numbers of everyone else. While everyone around me discussed summer plans with their friends, the noise level in the room almost too loud for my patience, I stared out the window. Daydreaming about sleeping in the next day, and yawning now and then when my boredom nearly put me to sleep.
It wasn't until my last class before that final hour that that daydreaming was interrupted. From this window, I could see the parking lot. That wasn't a big deal.
It was the car that pulled into the parking lot that caught my attention.
I fully recognized it this time as the same one that I'd been preoccupied with the day before. I slowly raised my head from where it'd previously been rested in my palm, narrowing my eyes as I watched it park just on the other side of a larger truck.
I could only see the top of it now, but I could see enough to get my heart sprinting in fear. It was then that the last bell decided to ring, indicating that it was time to head to the cafeteria. It startled me into standing up, but I was grateful for that.
I immediately jumped up, striding straight for the door. Just my luck, I managed to somehow spot Zack in the small crowd of people filling the hallway outside. Joking with a couple of his other friends as he was walking away.
"Zack." I called, thankfully getting his attention over the noisy hallway. He paused, turning to look back as I pushed my way forward. I made it to his side, easily seeing his concern now.
"We'll see you later." Apparently, his friends didn't feel like waiting for him. He gave them a nod before looking to me again as they walked away.
"What's wrong?" He asked, immediately picking up on my mood. I wasn't even sure. I was having trouble getting my mind around what that car could possibly mean, much less expressing it without sounding crazy. Around us, students flooded by.
Giving a quick glance around, Zack lightly grabbed my arm and tugged me off to the side, standing us against the wall next to a water fountain. Out of the middle of all the people.
"What's wrong?" He asked again.
"I don't know." I managed to gasp out. Why was this upsetting me so much? "I think someone is stalking me."
Maybe it was my younger years of constantly being hunted that freaked me out so bad now, but I'd found a pattern in that car showing up where I was, and it was now more than I was comfortable dealing with.
He frowned, obviously confused, "What are you talking about?"
Over the sound of the rest of the students walking by, and through breath that was thinning by the second, I explained what I meant. I wasn't able to give him much information, because I wasn't even sure what was going on, but I did tell him what I knew.
"Relax." He finally told me, "Calm down. Nobody's stalking you. That could be anything. It's a small town, Leandra."
"It's not that small." I countered, "I'm freaking out."
"I can see that." He replied, "You're just freaking yourself out. Breathe. Remember what mom always told you?" He was right. I knew he was right, and I definitely didn't want to mess up my record by having a stupid panic attack now. Especially over something, as Zack had put it, that was probably nothing.
"Come here." He insisted, pulling me into a hug. I accepted it easily, fighting with my racing heart. I fought as hard as I could, but I could feel it. I'd had enough panic attacks to know when one wasn't going to let me win. It was the hardest thing. Knowing full well how stupid it was to feel this way, but having no control whatsoever over what I did.
The other students continued to walk by, and I knew that wasn't helping. Tears burned on their way from my eyes as I struggled with them, but I couldn't stop them. The passing glances and stares we got only made things worse.
"Shit." He muttered, also knowing this wasn't helping, "Outside?" I nodded, gasping for what breath I could, "Okay. Come on." Turning with me, he kept his arm over my shoulders and led me away from the wall. Walking quickly with me along the group of students, toward the only exit along this hallway.
We made it outside, and the second the cooler air hit me, I sobbed. He led me forward and over off to the side. Finding a stone bench for me to sit on. I took his lead, sitting immediately and continuing my fight with my emotions. It wasn't so much the sobbing that always scared him, or me for that matter. It was the fact that my heart beat way too fast, and that I couldn't breathe to accommodate my racing heart. Which in turn made me panic more. Something about suffocating usually prompted panic. Go figure.
I hated this.
"Just breathe." He told me, already pulling his phone out of his pocket. One glance told me he was texting Josh.
It wasn't three minutes after he sent that message before Josh was approaching quickly. Since we were so close to the cafeteria, he must have already been in there. He landed on the bench beside me, reaching over and hugging me into his side. Zack allowed that.
"In the center console of my truck," Josh told him, "There's her meds. I always have some on me. Go get them." Before he could even dig his keys out of his pocket to hand over, I shook my head. That was medication. I wasn't sure if I could safely take them. My thoughts immediately going to the baby. I didn't want to possibly hurt it.
"Don't be like that, Leandra." Zack said, but I just sobbed.
"No." I insisted, "I-I just need a second-"
"Go get them." Josh repeated, tossing Zack his keys, "Hurry."
"I can't take them." I said, but Zack was already off running.
"It looks to me like you need to." He replied, "Just breathe, Leandra."
"No." He wasn't listening, "You're not getting it. I can't." He didn't reply this time, knowing full well how I was when I was like this. I used to fight taking them all the time, but back then, it was mostly Zack that had to take care of me.
Instead, I just focused on getting a breath. That was always the first step. The very first step to regaining control over myself was focusing on breathing. The second was focusing on slowing my tears. Just calming down.
When several minutes passed without Zack coming back, I counted my lucky stars that I had a chance to calm down a little bit. Unfortunately, though, I was calm enough to notice his tension when he did come back.
"What's wrong?" It was my turn to ask him that.
"Nothing." He replied, but I knew instantly that he was lying, "Josh?"
Taking the hint, Josh stood up carefully and walked over. A few steps away, they turned their backs to me so they could talk. I couldn't focus on them if I was going to keep calming down.
I took a deep breath, holding it against my still pounding heart. I hated that the simplest thing could set me off. My racing thoughts refused to slow down, however. What if it wasn't simple? There were so many things I had to be afraid of.
One thought that I kept coming back to was all the times Jack had tried to get someone to take me. That hadn't happened since then, but I had no idea if he was even still out there or not.
I forced my thoughts in another direction. I hadn't thought about Jack, as much as I could help, in so long. He was part of that time in my life.
"Fuck that." I finally overheard Josh say, "No, that's not happening. Stay with her." And I watched as he walked away, back in the direction of the parking lot. Jerking the keys away from Zack as he did so. I suddenly got very nervous.
I decided not to ask. If it was enough to piss him off like that, I didn't want to know. Zack took his place next to me instead, also watching his brother walk away. I kept my eyes down, focusing more on my breathing, until I noticed Zack wave at someone. Looking over, I spotted Andrew coming our way. He must have come looking when we didn't show up.
Seeing me like this was nothing new to him either, so I didn't exactly mind him coming over. He'd been a part of calming me down for almost as long as Zack had.
"What happened?" He asked before he even made it to us.
"Long story." Zack sighed, "Sorry. I should have texted you."
"No, it's okay." He said, sitting to my other side as he looked at me, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I mumbled, "I just thought.." I trailed off with a sigh, "I don't even know, but I don't need those meds. See? I fixed myself on my own."
"It's still better to take them, Leandra." Zack countered, but I shook my head, "So it doesn't happen again. You know that once you have one, you could have another soon."
"I'm not taking it." I snapped lightly this time, hoping to get my point across.
"You really might want to reconsider." He replied, "All I'm saying-"
"It's done." I said, "I took care of it. I don't need it, so I'm not taking it, okay?"
"What happens if you get stressed out later?"
"The only thing stressing me out right now is you." I sighed, standing up. I always had to pace away nervous energy after a panic attack like that. Shaking out my tense arms before crossing them tightly. I still trembled, my breathing now and then still sticking in my throat, but I could breathe.
What the fuck was wrong with me? I felt so stupid. I'd just started rationalizing with myself, making up reasons for whoever that was to be here. It wasn't me they were after. It was just coincidence.
I looked over, though, at Josh's return. Shaking his head to himself, he seemed tense too, but he had the small bag holding a few small pills of my anxiety medication in his hand. It'd been a long time since I'd seen that expression on his face.
"Okay." I muttered at his approach, "What's going on?"
"I texted mom." Josh spoke to Zack, ignoring my question, "She should be here soon."
"You should have texted dad." Zack said, standing up.
"School's over in like half an hour." I frowned, "We could even leave now if we wanted to. I'm fine now. Why would you text her? You know she's just going to worry about me."
"Trust me." Josh looked to me, "She'll want to be here. In the meantime, we'll just sit here and wait."
"Okay, now you're freaking me out." I said, "What is going on?"
"You were right." Zack mercifully answered me, "About that car." I was right? About what? That it was here for me? I didn't know how to respond at first.
"What car?" Andrew asked, standing up as well.
"The one that's been following her." Zack explained quietly.
"Do I know them?" I had to ask. Had what I'd been refusing to think about been true? The way he hesitated, looking to Josh had me thinking yes. Nobody answered, so I spoke again, "Zack? Do I know this person?"
He looked down, "Um.."
"Unfortunately." Josh grumbled, "But-"
"Wait." Andrew said, "Is it them?" All four of us knew exactly who he was asking about. I was glad he was asking, because I couldn't breathe enough to ask.
"Yes." Josh replied again, "But-"
"They're back?" I asked, breathless again. It felt curiously like I'd just been punched in the stomach.
"Don't worry." He said, but that only confirmed it, but it was still so hard to wrap my mind around it. I was stunned. He spoke again, "They're not-"
"No." I shook my head, "No, no. I can't see them."
"They're not going to get to you." He assured me, "Especially not after the day you've been having. Mom's going to talk to them, and I'm going to get you home." He was trying to give orders in a way that didn't sound like giving orders. Even in my distraction, I noticed that.
"I don't want her to have to leave work." I muttered around a deep breath, "She shouldn't have to."
"She wants to." Josh replied, "Don't even worry about her. Just keep your eyes down, and you'll be fine."
"What do they even want?" Andrew asked, frowning, "They run off for how long, and suddenly come back?" All three of them knew the story well.
"They never said." Zack answered that one, "They just said it was important. That, um.." That they needed to see me. My numb mind registered that just fine.
"I don't give a fuck how important they say it is." Josh countered, "They can't just do that."
"It's weird, though." Zack muttered, "Isn't it? I mean.. They look just the same as they did before they left-"
"I can't do this." I whimpered, turning and walking back toward the school. I couldn't deal with this right now. I thought I was done with that part of my life. I'd done everything humanly possible to get away from it, and move on. I'd done everything I could to forget.
It completely destroyed me when they left without more than a goodbye. No explanation. It completely destroyed me when I was dropped like yesterday's trash, and that left Heather to put me back together as much as she could. It left everyone to do what they could for me, so Josh and Zack's hatred of them was very earned.
Now suddenly, all of that was being dropped back onto my shoulders.
"Come on." Josh caught me, "Just stay for a few minutes until we know it's safe to leave." He turned me around and walked me back over to the bench, "For now, though, take this." He handed me the bag containing a few pills of mine.
"I can't take that." I immediately said, but I held onto the bag. If it was in my hand, I knew I could control it.
"Here we go." Zack sighed.
"I'm serious this time." I replied, "I have a reason. I actually wish I could this time, but I can't."
"Why don't you just pick her up on the other side of the school?" Andrew asked, gaining our attention, "That way, she doesn't have to see them at all."
"I like that idea." I immediately said, pointing at Andrew.
"Me too." Josh replied just as his phone vibrated in his hand. He looked down at it and nodded before he turned, "Meet me out over there in five minutes."
Thankfully, that plan actually worked. All he had to do was drive around the main building, and I could get to him. I had both Andrew and Zack with me every step, but I wasn't wasting time either.
Once we were on our way, me sitting low in the front passenger seat, I had a chance to think. After everything I'd been through, I never thought about what I'd do if this ever happened. I never thought about how I'd feel if they ever came back.
I had problems convincing myself that they were really gone at first, but that didn't get me very far. Then I had problems believing that they were never coming back, but that just made it worse.
However, seeing what the rest of the family was going through was what gave me motivation to get better. They'd put up with my depression, anxiety, and insomnia for two years. Giving me nothing but support the entire time, but one day, I saw how badly it was hurting them. So it clicked. I had to let go of the family I had before if I was ever going to get passed it.
So I forced myself to move on, growing bitter while I did so.
Heather wasn't far behind us when we got home, but I didn't take that as a success. I knew that if they were here, it was for a good reason and they wouldn't stop until they had a chance to talk to me.
I just wasn't ready to see them. I wasn't sure if I ever would be, and they'd just have to accept that. I had moved on.
I looked over from where I stood pacing in the living room as Heather walked into the house with a heavy sigh. I wasn't sure what to ask first. I had so many questions, but I had to admit. As curious as I was, I was positive that I didn't want to know.
"What'd you tell them?" I finally asked.
"The truth." She answered, closing the front door behind her, "That it was probably best if they gave you your space. I asked them to leave you be, and told them that I didn't think it was a good idea for them to contact you. I was polite about it, as hard as that was for me to do."
I shook my head, sighing as well.
"So what's this I hear about you refusing to take your medication?" She asked, and I immediately turned my glare toward Josh.
"By the time it got to her, she'd calmed herself down." Andrew explained for me, "I think she did good."
"Oh." Heather muttered, obviously accepting that. She sighed again, "Well, that's that, then. Are you staying for lunch, Andrew?" I tossed a grateful glance his way. He knew my reasons.
"Thanks," He said, "But I think I should get home. I'm not feeling very good." I couldn't blame him. I wasn't very hungry either, but I had to wonder if that was just an excuse to get away from Heather.
"I'll give you a ride." Josh offered quietly.
"Thanks." Andrew said again, accepting his offer. I stepped forward and hugged Andrew tightly with another sigh.
"Sorry you had to deal with this." I told him.
"Nah." He replied, returning my hug, "I'm just glad I could help. In whatever way I did."
"Text me later?" I asked, as if I was unsure. He really did seem a little run down. I worried that he might have a fever, as I felt the heat through his clothes. Maybe he was just worked up, though. Or maybe I was just cold. I did tend to get that way when I was like this.
"Will do." He smiled a little at me. That made me feel a little better.
Once they were both gone, I could afford to let myself feel like crap. Immediately after the door shut, I turned to Heather with a whimper and hugged her.
"I know." She murmured to me, hugging me back. I still didn't know how to feel. My life was already complicated enough right now without this, but Heather had no idea about it.
The rest of the afternoon, I debated. If I remembered right, they were never the type to accept 'no' the first time. If Heather was going to block their way outright, they'd find another way. I had to decide whether or not I would sit there in my room that night and wait for a visit when everyone else was asleep, or if I would choose to sleep in Josh's room instead.
I knew that if I were to choose to do that, he wouldn't ask questions. It would, however, piss him off that I had to resort to that again to feel better. I used to sleep in his room all the time while I was trying to get better. I hadn't done that in awhile.
I really didn't know.
I hated this so bad, because I was torn. So long ago I'd made myself believe that they were never coming back. I'd never let myself even consider what I would do if they ever did. Now I was forced to consider that, and I didn't like it.
Again, I had so many questions. Who all was back? Was it all of them, or just a couple? If it was just a couple of them, then where were the others? Why would they come back at all? What reason, after all this time, did they feel they had to return and completely ruin any sense of closure I'd built?
I sat there in my room that night, heavily debating.
I normally had my window wide open during the last hour before I decided to go to sleep. Tonight, I had it open hardly an inch or two. Just enough to be able to hear the crickets outside and to allow a soft breeze into the room. Seated on the sill, I stared out into the darkness outside. I knew better than to believe that I wasn't currently being watched. I tried not to think about that.
My mind was spinning. I had no idea what to think or how to feel. It was very deeply overwhelming, so the only thing I could really do was sit there.
A soft knock at the door startled me a bit, but I turned to look back at it.
"Yeah?" I called quietly, watching as the door opened. I tried to offer a small smile as Josh stepped into the room, "Hey."
"Hey." He replied gently, offering me the same small smile, letting the door close behind him, "I came to see how you're doing."
I hesitated, "Not good."
"I see that." He admitted with a sigh. Crossing the room to stand behind me, looking out the window as well. Reaching forward, he hugged my shoulders lightly. I appreciated the casual embrace, reaching up and resting my hand on his wrist.
"What do I do?" I whimpered, unable to help it.
"Absolutely nothing." He answered, "You don't have to do anything. Leandra, you don't owe them anything."
"Well.." I trailed off. When he put it like that, it swayed me.
"No." He spoke again before I could finish that thought, "After what they did to you?"
"After everything they did for me, Josh." I pointed out.
"Don't do that." He murmured, gently turning me around to face him, "Don't do that to yourself. I know you haven't forgotten what happened." I looked down, "You deserve better than what they did. Don't believe for a minute that what they did was okay."
"I know." I muttered, "I know it wasn't okay. I'm just.. I'm so confused."
"I'm not going to stand here and tell you what you should do." His tone softened, "But know this. No matter what you choose, I'm with you. If you don't want to see them, then you won't. If you choose to see them, then.. Well, I won't like it, but I promise I won't let them hurt you that way again."
With a quiet, appreciative whimper, I stood up and hugged him. He returned it easily, giving me the support I really needed right then.
"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" He asked, and I pulled back to look at him. It never failed to surprise me when he always knew. He knew me too well. I honestly wasn't going to ask him, but now that he offered, I couldn't help nodding.
"It'll be like old times." He smiled a little, and I had to return it.
And for the most part, it was. Just like old times. Just like before, when I couldn't let myself fall asleep. Having him here was good for loneliness, but not much else. I still laid awake, staring at the window. Honestly nervous about what wanted to come through it.
Not for my safety, but for my sanity.
A/N: There we have it. :) Now we know.
As always.. THANK YOU! To those that left their review! I honestly wish I could hand out cookies. :}
So many questions! But don't fret, my darlings! A lot will be answered next chapter. :D
Chapter five also won't take long to come out. It's mostly finished, and just needs a bit more attention before I hand it to you. For now, however, there's a baby demanding my attention.
Until five, my friends!