I'd forgotten how many reviews I had for the last chapter of this - it was so lovely to read them all again. Thank you.
Bonnie Sveen Fan, that's a really interesting point - legally and biologically, Matilda is not Cal's child and it might be better not to allow him to hold her. I think I'd always feel comforted if Ethan was with me! Rita won't find it easy to explain to Iain - she might not fully know the reason herself. Thank you for your review.
Tanith Panic, I'm so glad you liked the ending - I was worried it was really predictable, so I'm glad I surprised someone! I imagine any child playing with a drone is supposed to have adult supervision, but I think anything that could cause a helicopter to crash is too dangerous to be sold as a toy. There will be quite a few more chapters - I think probably 3-4, but don't be surprised if it's 9-10. Thank you for your review.
Guest, thank you for your review. I'm sorry it took so long for me to update this, but I hope the chapter is worth waiting for. I also hope I might be able to update more regularly now as this story is currently one of the easiest to write for some reason.
totti10, thank you for your review. I'm so happy you're still reading. I was very upset that Rita was given no support during the episodes - she'd been through so much and all anyone saw was one lie she'd told when Louise refused to take a hint (and which, as you say, might have been based on a real incident). They just forgot everything else. But that is something I'm trying to try to put right in this story - not completely because it will take time, but setting things in motion.
X-Sammii-X, I'm so glad you liked the moment when Cal and Matilda met again. They will be together for at least the next couple of chapters, so I hope you'll enjoy them. Cal does have a mature side and maybe being a dad has made him different with children - I could be wrong, but it seemed like he used to be really matey with kids and now he's more of a reassuring adult, though it might depend on the child. It will be hard for Ethan. Thank you for your review.
20BlueRoses, don't worry - I've missed chapters on here too. I intend to flag all the email alerts for stories I haven't reviewed, but I don't always remember to do it. I'm glad you liked Ethan rambling on. I am actually quite disappointed Ethan didn't have a moment in the show where he thought about what was really important to him. No, Cal definitely hasn't got over giving Matilda up - I would never let him do that! Thank you for your review.
Thank you to 20BlueRoses for the follow.
Cal was shaking, but as Louise held out the baby, Cal knew he'd never drop her. "It's me, Toad. It's Daddy. Do you remember me?"
Matilda babbled excitedly and stretched her hands towards him. She grabbed his ear and pulled it hard.
"Ow! Is that a yes, Matilda?" said Cal. He knew it was impossible Matilda really remembered him, but she seemed to know she was safe with him. Cal pulled her into his chest, holding her tightly but not too tightly, and kissed her. "What's she doing here? Where did you find her? Oh God, was she in the accident?"
"Yes, she was," said Louise. She sounded emotional too. "She's not hurt, but she's… a bit shocked. This is actually the most animated we've seen her – she's been quite still and quiet, except when she's crying. She's got her daddy's lungs, that one."
Cal didn't remind her he wasn't biologically Matilda's dad. "Oh, Toad!" he cried, kissing her forehead. "Daddy's here now, Toad. You're safe. It's all over now and I'm going to look after you."
He sat her on his lap and was both proud and sad to see she could sit up by herself, though her ordeal had left her weak and floppy. "Oh, look at you, Matilda! You're such a big girl! How old are you now? Eleven months? You're probably old enough to be standing now, aren't you? Or maybe even walking? Crawling anyway."
He wished he'd been there the first time she'd reached every milestone.
"Can you crawl, Matilda? Can you crawl for Daddy?" Cal laid her gently on her stomach, but she just looked up at him and whimpered. He decided crawling was a bit much for her at present and quickly gathered her close again.
Then something else occurred to him.
"Where are her… the people who were looking after her?" Cal found himself unable to say 'parents'. He was Matilda's parent. "You couldn't have been all alone, Toad."
"They died," said Lily bluntly. "We don't at this stage know the identities of the people who died so we cannot say if Matilda was with a parent, grandparent, childminder or someone else. We have left messages with Matilda's next of kin."
"So what's going to happen?" asked Cal. "Can I take care of her?" He looked down into his daughter's eyes. "Would you like that, Toad? Would you like to come back to Daddy and Uncle Nibbles?"
Matilda babbled and seemed to be trying to burrow her way into his chest.
Though in a way, she was there already. She'd been in Cal's heart since the first moment he'd seen her.
"Were you going to tell me?" said Cal suddenly.
"Yes, but we wanted to do it in a way that would be acceptable to the authorities," said Lily. "If you do wish to become Matilda's father again, everything will need to appear to be above board. It would not be permissible for us to tell you your daughter was here, but it is always permissible for me to ask the advice and opinion of a senior doctor. I intended to ask you - and hoped you would know her."
"And you did," said Louise softly. "You knew her before you saw her. She's a lovely baby, Cal. You must be so proud."
Cal sniffed and kissed Matilda again. "I am proud of you, Toad. So proud. And I'm so glad I've found you again. Giving you up is the stupidest thing I've ever done… and I've done a lot of stupid things. I'll do anything to ensure you're never taken from me again."
"But… but there is…" Louise voice wobbled.
To Cal's amazement, Lily put her arm around Louise. "There is something we need to tell you, Cal. About Matilda."
Rita looked into Iain's eyes. They were confused but there was a softness in them. "I don't know why I did it. I was just so scared. So mixed up. Someone slashed my tyres and trashed my flat… though I'm so mixed up inside my head, I'm not even sure if that happened. You just don't know what it's like to remember things and not know if it's even real."
"Yes, I do," said Iain softly.
Rita put her hand over her eyes. "Oh God. I'm so sorry, Iain. Of course you do. I don't know what I was-"
"And it's tough," said Iain. "It's really tough and at times, it's more terrifying than being out there on the front line. Take it from someone who's done both." He leaned closer to her. "But you can get help for it, Rita. I did and I think I'll have to again. The therapy helps, but they did warn me that it might come back, especially if I went through another ordeal." He looked at her steadily for a moment or two. "Maybe you could try therapy too?"
Rita shook her head. "Iain, you can't compare what I went through with what happened to you."
"Rita, your ex was in this hospital," said Iain. "A convicted paedophile. And you had to treat and support the girl he'd once… if anything's going to mess with your head, Rita, it's that."
"It did mess with my head," admitted Rita. "I was so scared. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. And I was so ashamed. So ashamed I'd loved him."
"You didn't know what he was like, Rita," said Iain. "Some men are good at hiding their worst points, even from their wives. You shouldn't blame yourself for that." He sighed. "But that wasn't all that happened to you. The way I treated you was awful. I hope it was nowhere near the level of a convicted paedophile, but it was unforgiveable all the same. I just didn't know what to do. I liked you, but the idea of commitment… it scared me. I was committed to my men - not in a romantic way, but you form close bonds in the army. They trusted me - and I let them down. I promised myself I'd never let anyone rely on me to that extent again. I can save people's lives in my job, but I knew I mustn't let myself care about anyone; that I mustn't let anyone care about me. So I convinced myself it wasn't serious between us: just a bit of fun with a pretty nurse."
Rita tried not to let her hurt show on her face.
Iain squeezed her hand more tightly. "But it wasn't just a bit of fun, Rita. I just didn't want to admit it to myself because if I did… if I'd actually told you I loved you… then I'd be committed to you and you'd be relying on me and I just couldn't deal with that. What if I let you down too?" He sighed. "Of course, that was exactly what I ended up doing. I abandoned you. I let you down."
"You… you l…" Rita's hurt was gone now, to be replaced by the aching sadness that even if Iain had loved her once, he couldn't love her now.
Then the door of Resus opened and Amira entered. "Rita, I've got Mr Dean's scan results."
"I wish I'd replied to your texts," said Dylan.
Lofty smiled. "It doesn't matter, Dylan. I didn't text you in order to get a reply. I texted you so you'd know I hadn't forgotten you."
"I have been told I am rather difficult to forget," said Dylan.
"Dylan, you helped me so much," said Lofty. "You taught me so much. You were there for me when… when it happened. I'll always remember you and I'll always regret leaving."
"Then stay here, get your job back and become an even better nurse," said Dylan.
A haunted look came to Lofty's eyes. "I've already applied to train as a bereavement counsellor."
"Why?" said Dylan simply. "Why would you want to retrain as a bereavement counsellor when you're such an excellent nurse? I know I pushed you too hard and I regret that, but while my judgement might have failed me in that regard, I still maintain you were ready for the promotion and until I intervened, you were doing a good job."
Lofty's eyes were troubled. "Maybe at first. But then…"
Dylan sighed. "Ben. If you really want to be a bereavement counsellor, then by all means, become one. I'm sure you'll be excellent at that too. But if you're doing that because you feel you owe the world something for not checking that silly little nurse was doing her job properly, then stop that right now and move back to Holby."
At last, Alicia's tears stopped. She managed to move her head enough to get a good view of Ethan. "You have Huntington's."
She had no idea why those were her first words and feared immediately that she might upset him, but Ethan just nodded. "I have."
"You pretended to be someone you weren't to make it go away," whispered Alicia.
"Yes, that's right," said Ethan. "Silly of me, wasn't it? I don't even know why I told you. I suppose I don't have many interesting things to talk about."
Alicia took a careful breath in. "I'm glad you told me," she murmured.
"Oh. Really?" Ethan looked so surprised and pleased. "Then I'm glad too."
Speaking was difficult. It took so much effort, but Alicia knew she had to get the words out. Now, before she woke up properly. Once her barriers went up, she wouldn't be able to say it again. "I'm running away from who I am too."
There was no-one at reception, but one of the computers was still on and Max had spent enough time hanging around the reception desk to know how to use it. Connie's record told him she'd had surgery on her liver. Max sat there for a moment, staring at the screen. He'd never been close to Connie and he wondered sometimes if he even liked her, but the thought of her actually dying made him caused a sharp pain inside him. Connie was terrifying and not always kind, but she'd become so much a part of Zoe's life – and that meant she was part of Max's life too.
When he'd joined the ED, Zoe had been the one in charge and of course, she was still the most important person in Max's life. But Connie was the ED, almost as much so as Charlie, and Max couldn't imagine how it could carry on without her.
Yet that might be exactly what had to happen. Even if Connie made a full physical recovery, she might not be able to do her job because she might have a very sick little girl to look after. Max had heard enough whispered words and seen enough worried faces to know Grace's situation was very serious. Even keeping her alive would be a miracle now.
So many people were thrown from their car and didn't make it. And then there was the helicopter crash...
But thinking about how precious life was could send Max's thoughts to only one person. The person whose life mattered to him the most. He had to find her now and let her know that he still loved her and he always would. He couldn't let her fly away from him again.