Chapter Eleven
"I know." I mumbled, not bothering to move, "I know. I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" She called again, "Come here." Taking a deep breath, I turned. Sure enough, she stood there outside my room. Hesitantly, I approached.
The first thing I noticed was my bedroom door. It was completely repaired, including the door frame. I knew it had to be a different door, but I really couldn't tell the difference. I followed her stern gaze into my room.
Mikah smiled sheepishly right back at me, and it took a moment for my mind to start working again.
My window was perfectly fine now, all the wood on the floor gone. Everything picked up, a new lamp on the new table. New shelves sat on the floor, ready to be put back up, and the huge dent in the wall flawlessly repaired. A brand new color of paint covered the patch job. An open gallon of paint on the floor.
"One.." Heather spoke before I could fully form an excuse, "Why is there a boy in your room? Two, why were you trying to hide a boy in your room?"
"I'm sorry." Mikah replied for me, "I know what you're thinking, but I'm just here to help her out. She said she wanted to change up her room a little, so I thought I should help." Holy hell that excuse. He spoke again, looking to me, "Alice will be here soon with your curtains."
Curtains? I only then realized that the curtains I'd had up were gone as well. I briefly wondered what had happened to them, but shook it off as Heather spoke again.
"Oh." Heather murmured, calmer now, "Well.. Why didn't you say you wanted to paint your room?"
"I thought you'd say no." I answered.
"No." She laughed a little, "I think it's a great idea. You could have just said you had help. I was worried you were attempting this on your own."
"Alice isn't here yet." I said, "I knew what you'd think." I was just winging it at this point.
"Well.." She sighed, obviously calming down, "If he's going to be in here painting, I don't want you to stay in here too long. You don't want to be breathing in too many paint fumes. It's not good for you."
"Okay." I replied, "I'll be down in a minute." She took the hint.
"And you.." She pointed to him, "Please try not to ruin the carpet."
He laughed, "Scout's honor."
"Okay." She said again, smiling a little as she turned. I hesitated only a moment before stepping into my room and closing the door.
"I'm sorry." He said before I could speak, "We worked as fast as we could."
"No." I replied, "That was awesome. You just saved my ass."
"It was the least we could do after completely demolishing your room."
"So.." I muttered, sitting on my bed, "What the hell?"
"I'm really sorry." He said again, "I wasn't thinking. I heard Jack in here, and I completely lost it." I looked down, "And because I was such an impulsive idiot, we lost our chance."
"Is everyone okay?" I had to know that at least, "He didn't hurt anyone?"
"We're fine, princess." He smiled sadly.
"Good." I sighed, calming down a little more.
"Are you okay?" He asked, obviously concerned.
"I'm okay." I confirmed, "Better now, at least." He nodded so I spoke again, "He wasn't here to bother me, anyway."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No." I said, "He has a point. If Aro is pissed, right here probably isn't the best place for me to be."
"He told you that Aro is pissed?" He asked, frowning.
"Not in those words," I said, "But pretty much."
"Huh." He mumbled, clearly puzzled as he looked down in thought.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly. He was silent for a moment longer before he finally looked to me.
"I think you need to come with me." That surprised me. When I didn't reply right away, he moved for the door.
"Wait." I said, and he paused, "Finish my room first, and I'll go with you."
Obviously reminded, he laughed, "Deal."
Just then, the doorbell downstairs announced Alice's arrival. Letting him get back to work, I left the room. Descending the stairs carefully, reaching the bottom step just as Heather opened the front door.
"Alice." She greeted almost tensely, "Jasper. How nice to see you two again." I made it to Heather's side, hesitantly peeking around the open door. To my surprise, Jasper stood there with her.
I could understand, though. He most likely didn't want her anywhere around here alone after an appearance from Jack. As a front, he carried two more gallons of paint, compared to the small shopping bag in Alice's hands.
"How are you?" Alice asked happily.
"Quite confused, if we're being honest." Heather replied, and I looked over at her. To avoid more awkward conversation, I gestured to the stairs.
"You guys can put those in my room." I mumbled, stepping back to let them in. Heather did as well, glancing to me. With a smile, Alice started forward first. Jasper followed her with a polite nod our direction. I couldn't help feeling like he still expected me to blow up at them.
Heather closed the door gently before she looked to me again.
"Honey, can I have a word?" She asked quietly, and I sighed. Nodding. I assumed she meant in private, so I turned. Heading into the living room.
I also couldn't help seeing the raw worry in her eyes as I looked to her again once we were far enough into the living room. It was a deep concern I'd seen on many occasions. There was something bothering her, so I'd let her speak first.
"Leandra," She started, "Let me start by saying that if this is something you want, I'll allow it. I also have to say that I'm concerned." She was obviously referring to the Cullens being here.
"I know." I muttered, looking down.
"Sweetie, I know what you've been going through." She went on gently, quieter now, "I've seen it. We got extremely lucky yesterday that nothing went wrong with how upset you'd gotten. Now you're inviting them back into your life?"
"I know." I repeated, my tone also quieter. She stayed silent this time as I looked back up at her. I could still easily read the concern in her expression, so I knew she could easily read the subtle, hesitant plea in mine. Without saying a word, I was asking her to understand. It was a lot to ask of her, to let me have this, and I knew that. The slow progression of her expression from concern to quiet, reluctantly understanding resignation told me she read me loud and clear.
Heather wasn't stupid. I never considered her to be, and it bothered me now to know that she was starting to see what was going to happen as if she had my gift as well. I was still partially in denial, and I could tell that, but she wasn't.
"Okay." She eventually whispered softly, "Okay, sweetheart. I'll step aside. I'll allow it. All I want is for you to be happy."
"I know." I said a third time, this time stepping forward and hugging her.
"If this starts to be too much again," She murmured, returning my hug, "I'm putting a stop to it immediately." I nodded as she kissed my head, "I love you."
"I love you too." I replied. It was also no secret that she did love me. She loved me very much, so I knew full well how hard this had to be on her. To allow me to have something that hurt me so badly before.
Her phone chose that moment to ring. Reluctantly, she released me to look at it. From where I stood, I could easily see that it was Mike calling, so of course she answered it.
"Hey, hon." She spoke into the phone just as Alice was descending the stairs. Probably in 'search' of me. I wasn't sure if Heather was done talking to me, so I waited where I was while Alice found my side. Heather offered her a polite smile of her own as she continued to listen to what Mike was saying on the phone. I watched her expression change back to concern at what she was hearing.
"Well," Heather sighed, responding to whatever Mike said, "Hon, I don't know if that's a good idea right now. After yesterday.."
She paused as Mike obviously replied.
"I know." She sighed again, "I get that. I do, but.. I really don't know if Leandra is up to traveling right now. In her condition? I don't want to haul her that far when she's supposed to be resting."
He replied again, given the quiet hum of the rumble of his voice through the phone. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying, despite how I tried. Puzzled, I looked over at Alice, who offered a small comforting smile.
"Why don't you and the boys just go?" She suggested, "I can stay here with her, and it'll be a nice vacation for you all." She paused again, glancing to me and my confused expression before she spoke again, "Alright. Alright, I'll ask her. Hold on."
She pulled the phone away from her ear, and I waited.
"Mike's mom is in the hospital." She explained quietly, "And has requested he be there."
"Is she okay?" I asked, suddenly worried for her.
"She needs some kind of operation." She replied, "There aren't a whole lot of details right now, but he really doesn't want to go see her alone."
I saw the dilemma now. Mike and his parents didn't really get along that well.
"I can stay here." I offered, "You can go with him."
"Honey, that's a week." She sounded skeptical, "I really wouldn't feel comfortable with you staying here by yourself that long."
"What can go wrong?" I asked, "What am I going to do? Wind up pregnant?" She gave me a flat look at my sarcasm, "I'll be okay."
"We can watch her if that would make you feel better." Alice offered, gaining our attention, "She'd be in good hands."
Heather seemed torn. Not wanting to jump right into her offer, but not immediately turning her down either. This clearly meant a lot to her.
"See?" I said, "I'll be fine. I better start learning some kind of independence, right? I don't think a week is going to kill me." I could see I swayed her.
"You promise to call me immediately if anything goes wrong?" She asked, still sounding skeptical.
"I promise." I replied, "I think it'll be nice having the house to myself for awhile." I even added a small smile, which seemed to help ease her even more.
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure." I confirmed easily.
"Alright." She murmured, hesitantly returning to her phone call.
She turned away then, leaving the room to finish speaking to Mike. Alice stayed with me, smiling again as I looked over at her.
"Mikah mentioned that you'll be coming home with us." She prompted, "Trust me. You won't regret it."
"I'm nervous." I admitted. Finally admitting anything about how I felt to her for the first time. Every word out of my mouth before had been about my thoughts. Never how I felt, and even I picked up on that.
"Why?" She asked, laughing a little.
"I'm not sure." I replied, "I'm not even sure why I agreed to go."
"Because it's important." She answered that one for me, "You know it's important. There's no way we can leave you here alone now. Plus there are a lot of things we need to talk about."
"I know." I sighed, glancing over at Heather in the other room, still on the phone. She was now writing something down, her back to us as she leaned over the table.
Alice spoke again, "Jasper can help, if you want-"
"No." I replied, cutting her off, "No, I want to keep my feelings right where they are."
"Okay." She agreed, "Okay, that's fine. I just thought I'd offer." I took a breath, nodding a little. I liked that.
"I'm not going to back out, if that's what you're worried about." I mumbled, "At least I have no plans to back out."
"Okay." I looked back over as Heather returned with a heavy sigh, "Mike's on his way home now. I already spoke to Josh, letting him know what's going on. Josh is staying here, since he can't get time off from work, so you'll at least have some company when he's home." I glanced over at Alice, but she didn't seem concerned in the slightest, "Zack and Hunter will be with us, so you don't have to worry about watching him."
"Okay." I replied, looking to Heather again.
"Here is a list of our estimated schedule." She went on, handing me a piece of paper, "That has a list of our numbers in case you lose your phone, and the number of the hospital Mike's mom is staying at. We'll be leaving in about an hour to the airport."
"You're not driving?"
"The sooner we get there, the sooner we can get back." She replied simply, "I know Mike doesn't want to miss work any more than he has to. We'll be gone for roughly five days or so. I think you'll be okay that long."
"I'll be fine." I assured her, looking over the piece of paper, "Don't even worry about me."
That really seemed to help. She didn't express her doubt again as she got herself and Hunter packed. Then again, I mostly hid away in my room once Zack and Mike got home, watching Jasper and Mikah paint my bedroom wall. From where I sat perched by the window, I couldn't even smell the paint.
I knew it was bugging them to go human pace, but they only had to keep up appearances for a little while longer.
I said goodbye to everyone by myself, knowing it'd probably be better to leave everyone hidden upstairs. I didn't need any more questioning right then. I could tell that Heather hadn't said anything, since Zack never mentioned it.
The house suddenly felt empty the second I watched them leave from the front porch.
"Are you ready to go?" Alice asked, suddenly beside me.
"About as ready as I'll ever be." I mumbled, glancing over at her. I couldn't even begin to express my nervousness. I wasn't sure why I was so nervous, and that made me even more nervous.
"The guys will finish up here and follow us." She explained, which helped. I nodded a little. I couldn't help feeling a little dazed. Tired after the morning I'd had, I was pretty much just along for the ride now.
I wasn't sure how I felt about seeing Jack again. Part of me was terrified, but another part of me wasn't surprised. He was always my normal. My one constant that I felt I could always count on. More constant to me than the sun rising. Somehow, just knowing he still existed was probably what made me so cooperative now.
I hated him, for sure, but there was also the part of me that looked for him to find my reset, my footing. As weird as it sounded, I knew I couldn't change that. Jack was a plague, but given that I'd spent pretty much my entire life waiting on him, it was as normal as breathing to me. I knew it was too late now to change the fact that Jack would always be a part of me. It had always been that way.
I took a breath and looked over at Alice.
"Okay." I said, "Let's go."
She didn't wait for another invitation. Giving me a small smile and leading me from the porch, heading for her car parked at the curb. I didn't even care that I was still in my sweatpants and a thin, pajama t-shirt. It didn't really matter to me, and truthfully, I just wanted to be comfortable right then.
I didn't need to wonder where they'd chosen to settle. I knew that there was one place they'd always go when they came back here. It really wasn't a long ride.
I eyed the house almost cautiously as she slowed in the driveway, aiming for the garage. I wasn't sure why. Maybe because it was exactly as I remembered it. My memories didn't do it justice. Like nobody had ever left it, it was like stepping foot back in time.
"I don't know." I finally announced my hesitation in the garage.
"What's wrong?" Alice asked as she stepped around her car to make it to my side.
"I don't know about going inside." I clarified, "Really."
"Okay." She replied gently, "Okay, we don't have to go in. We can talk outside." I nodded, taking a breath. She offered a small smile, and turned. Leading me out of the garage and toward the porch. I willingly followed, deeply appreciating the lack of pressure on me.
My bare feet were cold on each step up onto the porch. Each step carrying me upwards, straight into my memory. I had my fair share of memories on this porch, but it was nothing compared to what I knew I'd find inside.
Despite wanting to avoiding going there again, I couldn't deny the bittersweet feeling of returning. Of coming back to the place I used to consider the only safe place I would ever have. The only real home I'd ever have. To me, this place defined the word.
Under my hand, the railing was cold and slightly damp from a recent rain. It, along with the cold wood under my feet, chilled something in me, waking it up. With its stirring, the tears were forced forward. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop the emotion.
Alice was silent, watching me, but I didn't focus on that. I was in the middle of a moment. I was more than convinced that they understood the connection I'd still have to this place. Every window, every board, this would probably always be my home. This was the start, the reset. Almost as much as Jack was.
When life was always up in the air, this house was always there to help me get back to normal. It shielded me. Protected me.
Those last few months here, for the most part, had been up in the air. Somehow, though, it felt normal to come back here.
Through unshed tears, breathing around a lump in my throat, I looked over at Alice. Her expression was enough to tell me that she understood. She always knew what this place meant to me. From the time she first found me as a scrawny, perpetually terrified little nine-year-old, she knew me.
All at once all those memories broke free. The ones I tried so hard to bury, the ones I tried desperately to forget flooded forward faster than my tears could fall. All the time I spent here couldn't be erased just because I wanted it to. All the emotion I'd buried, all the feelings I'd pushed away chose then to swarm up over me, and I had to sit down.
Despite sitting, my hand never left the railing. I didn't want to let it go, so I kept hold of it.
Not just the bad emotion. Not only the feelings of betrayal and heartbreak of them leaving me, but all the good along with the bad, and I so suddenly perfectly remembered everything. From the moment I first set foot here, to the moment I last left it, it was all back involuntarily.
I had no doubt that Alice knew exactly what she was doing by bringing me here. I didn't need to go inside to remember it.
"I shouldn't be here." I sniffled hard, shaking my head and standing up.
"No." Alice caught my shoulders gently, "I think here is exactly where you need to be. The only reason you want to run is because you're fighting it."
"It hurts too much." I sobbed, shaking my head again, "I can't be here."
Instead of replying, she hugged me. Not only did I accept it, but I returned it.
I was fifteen years old, almost sixteen, but this hug was something I'd been needing since they left me at eleven. I'd never let myself heal. Filling that hole left behind with anger and resentment, even though all it was doing was causing more damage. The pain left behind was more than I knew what to do with, and all they were trying to do now was clean all that out. To open the wound again, just so they can clear out all that infection.
It wasn't easy, on either of us, but I recognized it.
"I'm sorry." I whimpered, referring to the fact that I couldn't let go yet.
"Don't apologize." She replied easily.
More than Esme, more than Carlisle, Alice had been there from the start. The first one I spoke to, the first one to see passed all the lies I told myself. The first one to insist, to see me for what I really was. I literally had her stubbornness to thank for who I was today.
It had taken me some time, but I finally felt like I could start coming around. Instead of showing them only my back, I could face them now. I wasn't quite sure exactly what it was, Carlisle helping me or Jack showing up again, but I was coming around. This hug from Alice felt like square one.
A new beginning.
"I needed you." I cried more than I accused. I was letting her know, not blaming her.
"I know. I'm so sorry." She murmured, and for the first time, I really listened. For the first time, I heard the pain in that response. I heard the pain that almost matched my own. I wasn't thinking about what Josh might say, or what Zack might think. I was opening up this way for me, as selfish as it sounded. I was doing what I needed to do, whether I wanted to admit it or not.
As funny as it was, I just wanted to warm up. I'd been freezing cold since they left me. It was about time I gave myself the chance to thaw out. I needed this.
I was glad the others waited for me to calm down before coming outside. Maybe they were learning. They gave me my moment, allowing me to let go of Alice on my own before approaching.
I turned to look at the door at the sound of it opening.
I knew I could take my time here, and that made a huge difference. I wasn't rushed, or worried about being discovered. I wasn't worried about a time limit, or having to balance Heather or Josh with just being here.
Esme was the next one I hugged. I knew for a fact that she didn't mind, as she easily returned it.
I understood immediately why I was fighting this for so long. I was so fearful, so afraid of getting caught up in all of this again and this hug represented home just as much as the house did. I held on longer than I even meant to. I'd always found so much comfort in her hugs, and I knew that whether or not I wanted to, I found it again.
After that hug, I finally felt like I could breathe again. Like I'd been fighting so hard to breathe since they left. I knew the damage was done now. That small spark of hope I'd felt just the other day had grown. Warming me in a way I never saw coming. Warming me in a way I'd craved since the day they left.
I guess I had my gift to thank, but I knew this time would be different. They meant what they said before. They weren't going to give up. They weren't going to leave again. At least not without me.
There would always be that dark corner of doubt, but that was just me.
"Hi, sweetheart." Esme smiled as I finally pulled back.
"I still shouldn't be here." I sniffled, trying to calm down. I had to express my hesitation, but I felt that fading even as I said that.
"I think you're right where you need to be." She replied gently, repeating what Alice had told me, and I couldn't help smiling a little. One glance around the crowded porch told me everyone felt the same way. Even bitter Rosalie. She seemed reluctant to admit it to herself, but she didn't seem outwardly against it.
I knew it was probably stupid, but I hugged her next. I'd had my moments with Rose and her obvious dislike of everything, but I knew that was just how she was. More often than not, it was nothing personal. I could easily tell that she knew that.
I considered it a good thing that she didn't immediately pull away. Though she was tense, she waited a few seconds before she sighed in annoyance and stepped back.
"Me next." I looked over at Emmett's grin, "Let's see if you cry again." Though I did feel like crying again, I knew I had it under control this time. This hug went a lot better than the last one did. Probably because it was my choice this time. Instead of just being wrapped up without expecting it.
I was pretty relieved to see for myself that he was okay.
"May I?" Edward was actually asking permission. As weird as it sounded, Edward was the next one that had the most influence on me in those very early first few days. Besides Alice, he knew me better than anyone. He'd always had front row seats to my thoughts and everything behind them. Every one of my reasons.
He spoke to me that day, the day of the field trip, and I realized now that before anyone else, he taught me that not every guy was bad. Both he and Jasper were really my first steps in learning how to talk to them. That was still, and would always be, a big deal to me.
"Of course." I replied, turning to hug him next. I couldn't help laughing. It was just funny to me that he thought he needed to ask permission. As if I'd hug everyone but him.
Briefly, I recalled helping him when Bella was so sick. The things I accomplished thanks to his insistence. The things I learned about myself were just what was needed to help make sure Bella made it through those dark days alive.
The memory crossed my mind, and he tightened his hold just a bit. Just enough for me to gather that he remembered it too. I smiled, now more than happy to have given him the chance to save her.
"Hey." I pulled back, looking over at Mikah's joking frown, "Don't hog her, Edward." Both he and Jasper had chosen that time to make it home.
"There better not be a drop of paint on my carpet." I warned, but my smile mirrored his own as I turned to hug him next. Mikah's firm hug now felt different to me. More than welcome. Open, light, but tight and comforting in a way I really needed.
At the back of the group, I spotted Carlisle, and for once, I didn't feel hatred at just seeing him. I hesitated, though. I wasn't sure why. Probably because of the way I spoke to him just yesterday. So much had happened between then and now, and for a moment, I was surprised that so much could change in me. In how I saw him.
"I'm sorry." I eventually told him quietly, "I never should have said the things I said to you."
"Leandra, you had every right." He replied, "You had every right to be angry with me. Personally, I will never forgive myself for letting you down the way I have." Esme, beside him, gently patted his arm.
I looked down, unsure what to say. Beside me, though, Mikah gave me a gentle, prompting nudge. I looked up at him, and his slight nod was answer enough. I knew what he was saying.
Instead of replying to what Carlisle said, I stepped forward. Hugging him just as tightly as I hugged the others, but somehow, this meant even more. This was the one thing I needed to really start to forgive. As much as I blamed Carlisle, more than the others, he also meant more to me than I could ever begin to express in words.
This hug, however, did bring tears from my eyes. Surprisingly, even I couldn't have predicted just what this would mean to me. How much I needed this. How much I'd needed this since the day they left. How much I'd needed this since the day they came back. I just needed the chance to come around first.
How much he'd done for me directly correlated to what he meant to me now. The last few days living here were rocky, painful memories I would have given anything to forget a few weeks ago. Now, I held onto them as tightly as I held onto him. They meant something to me.
Somehow, the bond Marcus had spoken about was something real again. That bond, that had been fed by nothing but resentment for all this time, was being mended and I could feel it.
I held this hug the longest.
"Thank you." I finally mumbled, and I knew he knew that I meant more than for just helping me yesterday. There was far more to it than that.
In a way, I was relieved when all that was out of the way. I felt so much better at being here than I had when I first arrived. It was better than I'd ever imagined it would be.
I had to sit back down, knowing full well that I wasn't going anywhere. So I found the bench behind me and I sat there. Allowing the relief of being home just soak in for a moment. There was no possible way to describe the way I felt at just being here.
Mikah didn't wait for an invitation, taking the open seat on the bench beside me.
"So tell me." I requested, looking over at Mikah, "Why am I here?"
"Wow." He chuckled a little, "Straight into it."
"I'd rather get bad news over with." I admitted, "I guess that hasn't changed, either."
"Well," He sighed, his smile fading, "One, you're a lot safer here than you were there."
"Why?" I asked, "Weren't you watching the house?"
"A few of us," He replied, "Yeah, but it's different here."
"How?" I was just full of questions, it seemed.
"There weren't gigantic wolves in the trees over there." He answered, "Here, the trees are full of them." I blinked in surprise.
"You let them so close?"
"Of course." Alice replied this time, gaining my attention, "Why wouldn't we?"
"Gee," I rolled my eyes a little, "I don't know.."
She laughed, "A lot has changed here, too."
"Apparently." I mumbled, glancing over at the trees across the yard. The last I really paid attention, it had mainly been Jacob and maybe a few others that liked to hang around here, and that was for Renesmee.
"We'll talk about that later." Mikah told me, and I nodded a little, "For now, though, you can start by telling them what you told me."
"Uh-uh." I countered, "First, you. You tell me what else I need to know." Given his small frown, I knew he was confused so I clarified, "I know Aro isn't the only reason you guys are back."
Understanding replaced the frown, and he glanced over at Alice.
"Like I told Jack," I said, "Just be straight with me."
"Okay." Mikah sighed, looking down, "Alright. I'll tell you everything I know."
"Is that a good idea?" Emmett asked, "I mean, she just got here."
"I think she deserves to know." Mikah replied, "It's the least we can do." With a tense sigh, Emmett nodded. Waving him on to continue.
"I don't think much will surprise me at this point." I offered, hoping that would help.
"The meeting with Aro didn't go the way it should have." Mikah explained quietly, "Yeah, we got the results we needed to get, but there was more to it. More than even we knew at the time."
"Okay." I muttered, following so far.
"Basically, we were told Chelsea's job was to get rid of the ties you had to Jack." He went on, "Remember that?"
"Like I could forget."
"Well, she did." He nodded a little, "But a few things were needed to completely get rid of them. More time than we gave her." I nodded, prompting him to continue, "And if she was going to get rid of them completely, she needed Jack closer to you than he was. A small detail Aro chose to leave out."
"Convenient." I muttered sarcastically.
"Funny you should say that." Mikah replied, "Anyway. Almost immediately after you moved in here, Aro approached us again. This time to give us the task of looking for Jack. He said it was to help you with the tie issue you still had, so we had to bring him in alive."
"And under no circumstance, were we to tell you what was going on." Alice added quietly.
"The week before we left," Mikah continued, "Was completely filled with trying to reason with Aro. He didn't believe we needed to stick around if we were going to look for Jack properly. He also thought it was best to allow you to adjust to life here and.. Well, without us."
"So you had to leave." I gathered.
"We had to leave." He confirmed, "Though we did agree with him on the adjusting issue, it wasn't entirely our decision to leave you."
"Because you knew you couldn't leave me alone if you stayed close." I felt a bit more caught up.
"Exactly."
"So what does that have to do with what Jack told me?"
"I can't be one-hundred percent sure," He replied, "But I'm pretty sure that tells us that he's been with Aro this whole time."
"How?" I frowned.
"How else would he have known?" He asked, "And it would explain why none of us could find him."
"He could have just been following Aro."
"Nobody just follows Aro." He countered, "If he'd gotten close enough to listen in to whatever conversations they might have been having, there's only one way he could."
Frowning a little more, I looked down in thought. What possible reason would Aro have to want Jack around? And why would he send the Cullens out to search for him, knowing where Jack was the whole time?
"It doesn't make sense." I shook my head a little, looking over at him.
"I think it does." He argued lightly, "It does make sense. You used to say all the time that there isn't much that Aro won't do. Especially when it comes to you."
"I'm not following." I mumbled, frowning a bit.
"Leandra, he saw something that day." He turned a little in his seat to face me better, "That day, with the bonds."
"But he sent you back here." I argued, "To check on me. Why would he do that?"
"As a test." He suggested, "To see if his plan worked or not."
"So.." I muttered, "You think that him sending you out to look for Jack and telling you to stay out of my life was his way of trying to push you all away from me?" Mikah nodded, "And him sending you back here to get my thoughts on Aro was a test to see if it worked or not?"
"Exactly."
"No." I said, "He promised me that he wouldn't do anything if it wasn't what was right for me."
"Technically," He replied, "He could spin all of that any way he wanted to. That's what he does. He knew there was bound to be some hard feelings. He needed to know how deep those went."
Taking a breath, I stood back up. For a moment, I kept my eyes down. Biting my lip as I thought hard about what he was saying. Finally, I looked over at him.
"I think I'm starting to get it." I mumbled, forcing a humorless laugh, "Finally, right?"
"What do you mean?" He asked, standing up also.
"No matter what I do," I shook my head a little, "No matter how hard I try, I'll never see anything coming when it comes to him. I'll never get it right."
"And that's okay." He seemed relieved, "Because that's what we're for."
"It almost worked." I admitted sadly, almost fearfully, "It was this close."
"The thing we need to focus on now," Emmett spoke up, "Is how are we going to deal with this? I really don't like that we played right into it."
"Tell me about it." I mumbled quietly.
"For now," Carlisle murmured, and I glanced over, "I don't suggest doing anything impulsive. Not until we know for sure what's going to happen."
"Just hang out here for a few days." Alice clarified, and I nodded a little, "Mike's mom bought you some time."
"I can do that." I allowed with a deep breath.
Before we could talk any more about it, Emmett spoke up again.
"Incoming." He didn't sound worried. More entertained. Confused, I looked over at him.
Alice sighed, "I told them to keep him away for today." Gracefully, she sprung lightly down the steps, crossing the yard to the trees.
"You knew that wasn't going to work." Emmett told her, smiling, "Kid's got a one-track mind."
All my questions were answered as I looked to Alice again, who was no longer alone. A long-haired teenage girl stood there with her, one of her hands lightly resting up against the shoulder of a giant, red-brown colored wolf.
The wolf was really the one that gave it away. The girl standing with Alice was very clearly Renesmee. She'd sure grown. Just as much, if not more, than I had. The wolf she stood with was Jacob, as I recognized him instantly from the very few times I'd seen him like that.
"Why can't Jake be here?" I asked, looking over at Emmett.
"It's not him she was talking about, shorty." He chuckled. It took me a moment to figure it out, but in the time it took me to do just that, three more wolves stepped from the trees. I only recognized one of those three, its sandy fur sticking out in an obvious way. That was Seth.
The other two, however, were ones I'd never seen before. A rather timber-looking one, natural gray fur, fading into light reddish-brown and black at the tips. It was the one at the end that really caught my eye, though.
There was nothing natural about him.
Every other wolf I'd seen looked like it could belong in the area. Fur colors of browns, blacks, grays, maybe a little bit of lighter gray mixed in. Natural brown eyes.
The one at the end stood out like a sore thumb. The first thing I noticed was his piercing light brown, almost golden-amber eyes, staring straight at me. The next thing I noticed, was his fur. His entire body coated in fur the color of snow in the sunlight. Maybe a small, subtle hint of gray along his back, but all I could focus on right then was the white. The texture looking more soft than coarse.
Even his body shape was a little different. Where Jacob and the other two were more stocky, the white one was leaner. Standing on four thinner legs, lithe paws on the ground about half the size of the wolf's paws next to him.
"We aren't sure why he's colored that way." Edward answered my stunned confusion quietly, "Why he's so different."
"Is that him?" I asked, almost breathless, finally looking away and toward Edward. I had a feeling, though, that I already knew the answer to that. Somehow, I just knew.
"That's Andrew." He confirmed, "They thought it best to approach while in this form." Probably a lot safer, too. I looked to the white wolf, Andrew, again. I'd never seen anything more beautiful, to be honest with myself. It struck me in a way I couldn't describe, seeing him like this. Just as my gaze found his again, he let out a low, almost painful whine.
Cocking one ear his way, Jacob turned his massive head and grumbled, causing Andrew to look over at him. Moving for the first time since he got there. I wasn't sure what kind of wolfy exchange they were having, but I wasn't sure I liked the thought of Jacob bossing him around.
I was drawn in, however. I was curious, and deeply so. Without even realizing it, I began to walk forward. Nobody outright told me not to do so, so I took that as their okay. Mikah stayed with me, though. As if tethered to me by an invisible rope.
I continued on, descending the steps and crossing the yard slowly. Not quite afraid, but knowing by now that I should be cautious. Ever so slightly, his fluffy tail started to wag. I wasn't sure if that was involuntary, or if he was doing that to ease me, but whatever it was, it did ease me.
Alice and Nessie's conversation halted as they watched from the side, no doubt cautious as well.
I finally came to stand directly in front of him, and carefully, he sat down. Lowering his giant head to meet my eyes better. The look in his eyes seemed almost shameful. Nearly guilty. Almost like he was afraid of how I'd react. Part of me responded to that, clicking once I recognized the expression. There was intelligence in his gaze that proved that he was still my best friend.
"Wow." Was all I could really say. That didn't seem to ease him, so I did the next best thing. Slowly raising my hand up, he watched me as I gently placed the palm and fingers of my hand against the side of his face. Just to the side of his muzzle.
His white, almost glowing fur, gave way under the gentle pressure. At first, I didn't even feel it. It was like touching warm air. When I moved my fingers, I finally felt it. Like the smoothest silk, rustling effortlessly, almost fluidly through my fingers and against my skin.
Briefly, at my airy touch, his amber eyes closed. Not in a bad way, though. I gathered that easily. Like he could finally relax. Like a huge weight had just been lifted from his shoulders at just one touch from me.
As he opened his eyes again, I could definitely see the difference in his expression. I smiled a little, and his tail thumped against the ground.
"This is different." I laughed a little, "And you're so fluffy." He gave me a look, and I had to laugh again. I only realized I still had my hand against his fur as he leaned gently against it. It amazed me how I could calm him so easily. The tension he'd previously been holding no longer anywhere near him.
"It's okay." I told him, despite not really having to, "I'm okay."
Almost hesitantly, he leaned his head down and lightly pressed his giant nose against the front of my small belly. Not enough to push me over. Just light enough for me to feel the pressure.
"I know. I know it's probably going to be like you." He raised his head again to look at me, "And you know what? I'm fine with that." He seemed to smile in his own way, "You're still you. Just way cooler now."
I was glad I got to see Andrew that way. It provided a lot of closure. I was able to accept it a lot easier. Like it told my mind, 'Okay. This is a thing now.'
If there was one thing I always prided myself on, it was my ability to just roll with it.
I was also incredibly glad that I got all my crying out on the porch, because once the wolves had to get going, I eventually did make my way inside the house. I was able to hold it together pretty well, considering the situation. I didn't go flying off the edge again, and was able to stay pretty calm. I couldn't face seeing my old room, but that was okay with them.
Inside, we talked. About a lot more than just recent discoveries. I found out about all the places they'd been since they'd been gone. They never stayed in one place longer than it took to search the entire area before moving on, so there was quite a list. Places they'd gotten tips on, or followed a trail to before losing it.
I told them about all the camping trips and hiking trips we'd taken, all the things I'd finally gotten brave enough to do. My boring school life, and all the homework I didn't do but probably should have.
I'd already laughed more than I had in a long time, talked more than I had in a long time, and felt better than I had in a long time. Just like Andrew, it really felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. Had I known just giving in like this would make me feel this light, I would have done it before. Probably not, but that's what I told myself.
Just chatting away, I honestly lost track of time. It literally felt like I'd just checked the time five minutes before, but suddenly, four hours had gone by. It was just as I realized that Josh had been off work for an hour that I also remembered that I'd left my phone at home.
"Shit." I muttered, sighing, "I gotta get home." Vaguely, I braced myself for the protests and prepared to insist, but instead of protesting, Alice stood up.
"I'll drive you." She smiled a little, which was a huge relief. I nodded, accepting that gratefully as I peeled myself off the couch. I had a feeling that they knew that letting me go without pressing would make it easier for me to want to come back. Whatever the reason, I wasn't arguing.
The drive back was pretty silent, and the whole way, I wondered exactly how mad Josh was. I knew he was mad, but I had to face up to it.
Sure enough, the curtain over the front window fluttered open just as we pulled up to the house. Alice, of course, noticed as well.
"Need me to come in with you?" She asked, but I immediately shook my head.
"No." I said, "No, I'll be fine." I took a breath, removing my seat belt, "It's about time he learns that I'm going to live my life the way I need to live it. That it's not up to him to tell me what I can or can't do."
"He cares about you." She replied, "He's just worried."
"I know." I nodded, "I know."
"Just call me if you need anything." She murmured, and I glanced over with a grateful smile.
"I will." I said with a sigh, opening the door. With that, I stepped out into the evening light. The yard dark, a dog down the street barking again.
I crossed the yard, glancing back as Alice almost hesitantly drove away once I was safely on the porch. I was grateful for the privacy.
I stepped through the front door, spotting Josh standing there immediately.
"Really?" He demanded before the door was even closed, "That's where you were?" Oh man, I thought. Here we go.
"I really don't need you flipping out on me right now, okay?" I sighed, turning for the stairs.
"Well that's just too damn bad." He replied, following me, "Leandra, what the hell are you thinking?" His irritated tone was bringing forward a defensive one of my own.
"Right now, I'm thinking about taking a shower."
"I'm serious." He countered, catching my arm as reached my bedroom door.
"So am I." I grumbled, lightly jerking my arm away from his hand. I continued on into my room, knowing he'd follow me. "Josh, I don't want to fight with you about this."
"Use your head." He told me, "Think about what you're doing."
"If being gone for a few hours is gonna bug you this badly, then you really don't want to hear that I'll be going back." I left no room for argument. Opening my dresser drawer, pretending to search for clothes.
He hesitated, and I looked back at him.
"No you're not." I winced a little at his tone.
"Please don't start with me right now." I went back to pawing through the clothes in the drawer. Until he reached over and closed it. I had hardly enough time to pull my hand away with a yelp.
"Are you kidding me?" His tone was closer to a yell, "Tell me you're joking!"
"I'm not fighting with you about this!" I finally yelled back.
He took a moment to calm his tone as much as possible, taking a breath before sighing it out heavily.
"I can't watch you keep doing this to yourself." He grumbled, "Years ago, I grabbed your hand and pulled you out. I was with you through it all. I stayed with you. Now, they're suddenly back, and you're ready to just fall head first right back into the same spot I pulled you from?"
"Josh-"
"Everyone else, be damned!" He snapped lightly, "As long as you get what you want."
"Shut up." I glanced over, hating the look in his eyes.
"They're your addiction." He snapped again, "I don't know what it is about these people, but you're incapable of walking away. I know mom would never give up on you, but I can't keep doing this. I can't watch it anymore. You choose to keep doing this to yourself, I mean it. I'm done."
If only he knew how badly he was hurting me.
"Don't be like that." I reasoned, my voice shaking.
"No." He said, "I can't stand to see you the way you get when they leave you. I can't stand to hear the sound of your cries. I mean it, Leandra. They're your addiction. When you don't get your fix, your entire life falls apart. Relapse when they come back, detox when they leave, repeat. They're toxic, and you can't see it. Poisonous, venomous."
"It's not like that-"
"Isn't it?" He asked sharply, "Because that's what I'm seeing."
"Then get your eyes checked." I responded harshly to his tone. I didn't want to fight with him, but he was making it impossible not to. His hand still on the dresser, he leaned closer. I closed my eyes, keeping my gaze averted as he spoke closer to me.
"You have a choice right now." His tone was quiet again, "I told you I'd always protect you, but I can't protect someone who doesn't want to be protected. That's not how it works."
"Josh.." I mumbled almost pleadingly.
"Don't do this." He replied softly, "Please. Just.. Stay here. Stay here with me." I picked up something more in his tone than I'd ever picked up before. I wasn't sure if he was letting it out on purpose, or if it was coming out on its own, but I could hear it clearly now.
I had to literally force myself to think about his safety. I absolutely hated hurting him, as he was one of the best friends I had, but I knew there was no other way to protect him.
"Please.." He said again when I didn't respond.
"I have to." I whispered, "Josh, you don't understand. I have to do this. I have to let them back in." Hesitantly, I turned my head, looking over and up at him. His gaze eased from confusion to concern as he read my own.
He hesitated, staring into my eyes for a moment. His concern deepening.
"Just tell me." He murmured quietly, "Talk to me. Why are you doing this? What's wrong?"
"I wish I could tell you." I replied, "I really do."
"I'm not letting you go this time." He shook his head a little, "Not until I know. Just say it. What kind of trouble are you in?" He really did know me too well.
"I can't." I told him, "I would if I could, believe me, but I'm trying to keep you safe."
That only made him worry more. I could see his worry take hold of his blue eyes.
"Keep me safe from what?" He asked, "I can handle it, Leandra." I tried to turn my head, to look away from him, but his hand gently caught my cheek. He spoke again as he made me look at him once more, "Whatever it is, tell me. Let me protect you."
I knew full well that I was probably making a massive mistake just for considering it.
"Are these people hurting you?" He guessed, "Causing you problems?"
"What?" I asked, surprised, "No. No, it's not that. They're trying to help me."
"That's not what I'm seeing here."
Well, I thought to myself, he was obviously under the wrong impression. I might as well try to set him straight.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I murmured after a moment's hesitation.
"Try me." He replied, "I'll believe you. I just want to understand."
Ignoring every ounce of doubt in my mind, refusing to listen to every part of me screaming at me not to do this, I sighed. I knew as soon as the thought even finished crossing my mind that this was a horrible idea, but somehow that didn't matter to me. He did say, though, that he wouldn't let me go without an explanation. I needed him to let me keep going back.
After a long, silent moment, I looked at him again.
"You might want to sit down."
A/N: Uh-oh. :D
I'm sorry for this taking as long as it did. October has been really busy for us. Between meetings, errands, family visiting, appointments, apartment inspections, pay problems, Little KNeu still teething and fussing and refusing daytime naps.. Not a whole lot of time to just sit back and throw this together. So really, I have about a 2-4 hour window between when he goes to bed, and I go to bed for my customary 3 hours of sleep to get everything done that I need to get done.
BUT!
You guys didn't make it this far just to listen to excuses. I'm SORRY! At least it's kinda long, right? :} I think I'm starting to find a routine between baby duty, cleaning, and typing lol I get the last two things done while he sleeps at night.
THANK YOU! To those AMAZING reviewers of last chapter! EEEEEE! I HEART YOU GUYS!
I'm really hoping chapter twelve won't take as long, but I won't be promising anything. I'm just not sure how the next few weeks will go, so please forgive me if it takes a little bit.
Until twelve, my friends! :D