Content Warnings: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM. A real true and honest description of it. Also, talk of suicide, and some cursing.
It was raining. Chara awoke to a pitter patter on the window, and someone wrapping them in a hug.
Frisk had crawled into bed with Chara at some point in the night, curling up next to their love. Through the SOUL link Chara shared with Frisk, they could feel their companion sending them soothing emotions, a silent, half asleep plea for the ex-demon to go back to sleep. Chara managed to slip away carefully, standing and giving Frisk a kiss on the forehead.
In their sleep, Frisk muttered something like 'Char Char, where are you going?" But it sounded more like "Carar wher'ya go'n"
Chara gave Frisk a sad smile through tear blurred eyes, before grabbing a lone blanket off Frisk's bed,wrapping it around their shoulders like a cloak and leaving the room. The ex-demon shuffled down the dark hallway, listening to the noises of the house and the storm outside. The stairs creaked as Chara walked down them. The wind seemed to bellow some demonic battle cry. Thunder rumbled in the distance like a looming beast. Chara pulled their blanket tighter around their shoulders to fend off the cold.
They soon came to the kitchen. They always got a snack after nightmares, it fended off further reflection on their dreams that would otherwise drive them insane.
As they flicked on the kitchen light, which blinked a few times before settling on a dim glow, they found themself eyeing the knives.
The rain outside seemed louder.
They remembered how in their dream they had stabbed the knife through their stomach. They remembered how the black goop had oozed out of their double's open wounds.
The phantom cuts that once criss crossed up their arms seemed to ache. It had been a literal lifetime, maybe 2, since they had dug a blade into their skin and watched the blood drip down. Self harm, for them was a verification that they were alive, a punishment, and a release of emotional pain through physical pain all rolled into one self pitying, self empowering, self hating act. It was what they deserved, but it also grounded them, and reminded them of what they lived for. And, it was also a terrible addiction.
They thought for a second, simply staring at the knives. They hated themself, right? Were they becoming a demon again? Maybe that was excuse enough to...no. That would be regressive on their part.
They took a deep breath and let their dark thoughts go. They were alive, they were here, they didn't need proof of that.
But sometimes that rhetoric of 'alive and here' was hard to believe. Did they really exist in a timeline that could be so easily erased? Did their existence matter to begin with? Was life even worth living if in an instant it could all RESET? Were they just part of some cosmic game that had no true ending other than death? Their thoughts had morphed from self-destructive to a safe, if not depressing, train of existentiality, one of the oldest distractions in recorded history. They could live with that.
With all of existence in mind, Chara reached for an even older distraction, arguably mankind's first; food. An entire king sized chocolate bar, to be exact.
They stood on their tiptoes and retrieved it from the top shelf of the pantry. They turned on their heel, only to freeze in fear. A figure was grinning at them, Sans. Or, the other Sans to be exact. The one that hated them.
Chara's short shock changed to hardened hatred. "What do you want?" The grumped, trying to sound scary, but that look was ruined by their tear stained cheeks.
*ketchup.* Geno said evenly. *and, a chat with you, if i'm being honest.*
"Fuck off." Chara offered.
*what's with the hate, kid? thought you were innocent here.* Geno walked for the fridge, grabbing a bottle of ketchup before turning to Chara, his eye lit blue. *unless my double was lying to me. i wouldn't put it past him, he, and i, really, we're real scumbags, huh?*
A small flame of rage lit in Chara. They glared at Geno, "Don't talk about Sans like that asshole, or I'll-"
*stab me?* If Geno had eyelashes, he'd be batting them in mock innocence. *i saw the way you were looking at those knives. i'm betting you're still a killer. so tell me,* He took a swig of ketchup, *who'd ya wanna cut?*
Chara scratched at their arms. Tears returned to their eyes. They turned away, flicking off the lights as they left.
Outside lightning flashed followed by a clap of thunder.
*awww, you gonna go cry?* Asked Geno over the wind, teleporting in front of Chara in a flash of blue light and blocking their path to the stairs.
"You're drunk."Chara's voice was choked.
*stone sober.* Geno let on. *i'm not leaving until we talk. i'll let you have the first question, if ya want.*
Chara crinkled the wrapper on their chocolate bar. "Why are you bugging me?" They asked.
*had a dream where you killed me. couldn't sleep. my turn, why are you awake?*
"Had the same dream." Chara spat.
*oh, really? how'd i get cha? gaster blaster? impalement?* Geno sounded cocky.
"N-No!" Chara held back angry tears. More thunder sounded. They felt deflated, and empty. "I had a dream where I killed me. Okay? And when I was looking at those fucking knives I was thinking about how nice it would be to cut my wrists open. Is THAT what you were looking for? Can I go to bed now?" They barked the words.
Geno was taken aback. His eye stopped glowing. *oh.* He said.
Chara's shoulders shook. They felt exhausted.
*okay, maybe i was a bit harsh. what i really want to ask you...what i've been meaning to ask, is, why? why did you kill everyone?*
"Oh yes, that question isn't harsh at all." Sarcasm dripped from Chara's voice.
Geno shifted, *please,* there was something genuine in his voice. Something gentle. *i need to know. for my sanity. please.*
Chara stared at the floor. "Fine." they said. Outside the storm died down a bit. Chara sat on the carpet. Geno sat on the raised step. "I did it...because...after the first RESET, Frisk was scared. They had died so many times the first time around. They didn't want to die anymore. They knew that...if they had more LV, they could survive. But they were too kind to hurt anyone. I wanted to protect them so bad. So I took over."
*i gathered that much.* Geno said, he took another swig of ketchup. *maybe one or two levels would keep you two alive...but, why so many? why kill everyone?*
Guilt and shame overtook Chara. "Because I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. I was a ghost before. When you're a ghost...Sans...you slowly lose the ability to feel. The good emotions go first. Love, joy, whatever that...feeling in your chest is when you laugh…" They placed their unopened chocolate on the floor and hugged their knees. "You lose the ability to form complex thoughts. You're single minded. You're devoted to one thing. That first thing was being Frisk's guide, helping them through the Underground, reading them every little sign, telling them everything I knew. And the second, was protecting them. Destroying for them. Erasing the world for them. I was their knight. But that wasn't the only reason…"
Geno just studied Chara, waiting.
"I was addicted. Every time I killed...I felt alive. I felt this surge of strength, something like joy but wilder, intoxicating. Killing made me feel...almost human. And when my LV went up," they got a wistful look on their face, "indescribable. I could laugh again. I didn't want to give it up. I was powerful. I was bloodthirsty. I was a true demon. I didn't want to stop."
They were rocking back and forth. Their talking became obscured with sobs "And there were so many times where...where I hated myself after. There were so many times when I wanted to die, but I couldn't. We couldn't. We just kept dying, we just kept coming back. Death was meaningless, Sans! Killing was nothing. We died all the time. The people who we loved killed us and we couldn't do anything but forgive. It was torture. And when Frisk...when Frisk..."
"Chara!"
Geno and Chara both looked up.
Frisk looked down at them from the top of the stairs. For a second their form was illuminated by a flash of lightning. There was a pause. Thunder boomed.
"Fr-Frisk..love, you were supposed to be sleeping." Chara whimpered.
"Chara, pl-ease, go to bed." Frisk stuttered, gauging that it was too dark to read sign language.
Chara wiped their tears, grabbed their chocolate, and stood. "Okay." They said simply. They walked past Geno, who let them go. Chara moved to the top of the stairs slowly and wrapped Frisk in a hug.
"All...in the past." Frisk murmured, running their hands through Frisk's hair. "I love you."
"You're all I have." Chara admitted, crying full on now.
"I kn-kn-kn-ow." Frisk said. "I'll...al-ways be there. No mat-t-er what." Chara melted into Frisk's embrace. They were so tired. They felt light headed. They could feel Frisk send soothing emotions at them, and they couldn't help but fall asleep wrapped in Frisk's arms.
When they woke up the next morning, curled up next to Frisk, the sun shining through the windows and the birds singing a morning tune, the night before felt like a bad dream.
The unopened chocolate bar on the nightstand reminded them that it wasn't.
Well, that's chapter 5. I think it's safe to say that it's a touch darker then my usual affair. Should I change the rating?
Answering my fan-mail:
The Rude Girl: Thank you so much! i hope I continued to satisfy all your shipping needs.