He wished that Ed would scream at him. That they would scream at each other like they did when they had those stupid meaningless argument. This was different though. It wasn't an argument, it was a statement. A fact that had to become accepted. That didn't mean it didn't hurt though. It hurt so much in every nerve of Roy letting out that damn sentence. At first, he was met with denial. The accusation that it wasn't the man's own opinion, rather the likes of society, others thoughts imprinted. Maybe it was, Roy couldn't tell that much anymore. All he could tell was that he'd hurt the one he loved the most, even after his promise to himself of never letting it happen again.
"Did it ever mean anything to you?!" Ed couldn't mask away his sadness with anger anymore, it shone right through him and for Roy it felt like hundreds of trucks went straight through his heart. It couldn't be tears dripping down those cheeks. No, Ed wasn't one to cry. Especially over somehthing that was meant to be for him, meant to be good and a relief. It couldn't be tears burning so desperately in Roy's own charcoal eyes either, he was doing the right thing. "Did… Did I? …Or was I just another one to you?"
Of course you did, Roy wanted to scream. You still mean the world to me! Instead he looked away, fighting hard to keep his face expressionless. If it weren't for the years of practicing in the military, he would for sure be begging for his own damn forsaken words to be taken back by then. "I'm doing this for your sake."
He did, really… Didn't Ed understand that they couldn't be? Even if there weren't a huge fucking age difference, they were both male and Roy was the boys superior. It wasn't, was never supposed to be anything more than that. Roy couldn't take away the last chance the other had at a slightly normal life.
A silence that felt like hours made Roy finally look back at his boyfriend, probably the one person there could ever be for him in this lonely world. And he'd broken those golden eyes. The man didn't want to see, to physically feel the sadness, angst, betrayal and pain in them… especially not knowing he was the one who caused all of it, knowing that he couldn't take it back.
He was only doing what was best, he had to remember that.
And Ed shook his head in denial, tears running in streams.
The Colonel looked away sharply, not being able to watch as his little blonde finally ran out of the front door, out of his life.
He stared at the wall instead, wanting to collapse on his knees and scream but feeling too numb to do so. He had just killed the fire, the life, in those eyes. His own too, for sure.
But it was best for everyone.
...Not even after hours of repeating it, did Roy believe a fragment of that phrase.