Chapter Eighteen
Jack had clearly thought this through. When he said he was done playing around, he obviously meant it. He never brought me to see anyone else. He wasn't out to taunt them this time. If anything, he really wanted to make sure nobody found me until he was ready for them to.
It didn't take him long to figure out that I couldn't continue to stay naked. There were certain 'feminine' issues that needed to be addressed, or I'd make a very large mess.
Having a baby was far from a neat or tidy event. He must have forgotten that from when my mom had my younger brother. Continuing to bleed was something I had no control over, and he knew that, but that didn't stop him from complaining.
So he made the decision to stop for a short time somewhere in the middle of a very large city, but that was only long enough for him to gather me some clothes and products I'd need before we were off again.
I was given a too-large jacket and pair of sweatpants, but those two things were all I had to protect myself against the chilly night.
I didn't know what his plan was with me, despite knowing his goal.
Once he'd settled on a place, I was forced to sit there and watch him work on what would be my new home for the next three months. I knew his plan now.
It really wasn't like I could get up and run away. Sitting was painful. My mind was busy, despite sitting there silently. The guilt was already eating me alive, nearly causing physical pain. Just thinking about what my family was probably going through at that time kept me still.
I could see his intention from a mile away, but there was literally nothing I could do to keep it from happening. I felt the most defeated I'd ever felt. Once he got done, I would literally be laying down and quitting. I would literally be hidden away from the rest of the world until the time came.
Deep in the forest, high up on the ledge of a sheer rock face, out in the middle of nowhere, he used his hands to dig into the solid stone. Hollowing out the earth and rock until it now had a decent little cave or burrow inside it. Long enough to give me some distance from the mouth of the cave, and just wide enough to have two sides to it. It led down and back into the rock. The 'ceiling' high enough for me to move around by crawling, but standing was out of the question.
To the front of the outside ledge was the straight drop off to the trees below. To the right was another straight drop off, but it ended abruptly in the ocean. I could hear the sound of the waves slamming themselves up against the rock below, as I tried to shield myself the best I could from the wind.
He didn't talk much the whole time, but I got the idea. As soon as he nodded and looked at me, I limped to my feet, and crawled in without a fight.
"Go on." He told me quietly, and I knew he knew where I was emotionally at that point. He didn't need to cuss me out. He didn't need to force me, or push me around. It was almost like he regretted doing this, as weird as it sounded. When I nearly stumbled, he actually helped me in by offering his hand for support. I was in debilitating pain after what I'd just gone through. Of course I accepted his help.
"I'll be back by nightfall." He told me, "Just.. Sit tight." I didn't bother replying, curling up on my side on the hard stone. It felt colder here.
I looked toward the entrance as he fit a bit of stone directly over it, one solid piece, cutting off most of the daylight. Aside from a few slivers of light, I was dropped into darkness. There was no way I'd ever be able to move that giant boulder myself. He knew this.
True to his word, he did return that night. Dropping off several large comforters and blankets, and some food.
"You're losing a lot of blood." He grumbled, surprisingly building me a bed out of the blankets across the small burrow, "Eat."
"I'm not hungry." I mumbled, my voice thick. It was true. I was more tired and depressed than I was hungry.
"Then come here." He told me firmly, so I got moving. Rolling to my hands and knees, crawling gingerly over to the pile of blankets. It felt amazing to lay on those instead of the hard rock. If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was an actual bed. It felt that good.
I curled into the soft material, closing my eyes before I could start to cry. He continued to kneel there, watching me. I ignored him the best I could, curling into the blankets for warmth.
My first night in this God forsaken place was rough. As guilty as I felt, I desperately wanted to get back to the baby I hadn't even had a chance to get to know. I knew he was in good hands, but that didn't help me any.
I could already see what Jack was doing. Keeping me in darkness until he decided to open the rock. He alone decided when the sun would rise for me. He alone decided when the endless darkness would end. Just the thought of the next few months scared me.
That was three months ago. Now the days were growing ever shorter, but the guilt never stopped.
I never learned what exactly had happened between my family and Jack. The most he ever told me was that the baby was fine, and he only told me that once. I did feel confident, though, that someone had found the baby alone and took care of him. There were too many people counting on him being okay for him to be forgotten about in any way. Just like Jack said.
I wondered what name they had decided to give him. As much as I missed him, and as much as I thought about him, my thoughts had changed. It was just like Jack was always saying. My son was better off without someone as horrible as me in his life. If I could give him peace, just by cooperating with Jack, then that was what I needed to do.
I hated to think about what they thought when they found the stitches, though.
And I did a whole lot of thinking. Stuck in my thoughts for several hours at a time. Sitting alone in the dark. Sitting on my nest of now dirty blankets. Feeling the rock all around me, considering I couldn't see a damn thing. Following the slivers of daylight as they shifted around me. The position of those slivers told me when Jack would come back for me. I'd come to depend on that.
Against my will, I adjusted.
Keeping a human alive for over three months was obviously harder than Jack thought before. Keeping one hidden for over three months was also harder than he thought. I'd made it this far stuffed and hidden away in a burrow.
I was extremely grateful, though, that he took me to a natural hot spring for a make-shift bath as often as he did. Once every other day until I recovered from giving birth, then once a week after that. It was hard to judge distance with how quickly he could run, but we weren't far from it, so he'd chosen his location carefully.
Underground in a dark, damp hole was not the way I'd imagined my life to be months before. With nothing but a pile of blankets to keep me warm and some food delivered to me now and then, wasting away in loneliness and getting eaten from the inside out by guilt.
I sometimes went a couple of days at a time without eating or seeing him, but that was no surprise to me. It was nothing outrageous. The loneliness was really getting to me, though. I was going nuts with no interaction with anyone, and it got so bad that I looked forward to him coming back. As much as I hated him, I'd take anything over the constant silence and solitude.
Sometimes he gave in and stayed with me, because I'd cry and beg. He'd always tell me that it wasn't safe for him to stay, but that hardly mattered to me. On the nights he'd stay, I'd fall asleep to lullabies of what he was going to do to me.
Often, thoughts of 'what if he never came back' crawled through my mind. As much as I vowed never to live in 'what if' land, it couldn't be avoided in this case. I needed him to come back. My life, or whatever was left of it, depended on it.
The days were colder, and the last two times I saw the outside for my 'bath', there was fresh snow around my burrow. It was getting close. I'd lost track a long time ago. He and I both knew the date he was talking about. December 24th. Christmas eve. I just had no way to know what day it was without asking, and I really didn't want to know.
It had been a few days, so I waited impatiently for him to come move the rock hiding me. I'd given up hope for the day by nightfall. Just after I'd settled in my blanket cocoon for the night, shivering to try to generate more heat, the rock was moved. Surprised he'd come by this late, I crawled forward toward the entrance of the burrow the second I heard it start to move.
"That's what I like to see." Jack chuckled the second it was out of the way, "I love when my bitches come to greet me." He stood outside the burrow, looking down at me in the hole. I waited silently, looking up at him.
He studied me for a moment before he sighed, stepping back.
"Come on out of there." He told me, and I didn't waste a second waiting for him to tell me twice. I crawled out as soon as I could, despite how intensely cold the snow was on my bare feet. I stretched hard as soon as I was standing. There wasn't much room to do so in there, and it felt good to breathe fresh air. It was very cold out tonight, my breath coming in thick puffs in front of me, but I'd long since grown accustomed to the cold. For the most part, anyway. He stood there, arms crossed as he watched me.
"I've got a surprise for you." He said, and I looked over. I instantly grew nervous. Had I miscounted the number of days left?
December 24th was going to be my last day technically alive. Given the larger piles of fresh snow around us, I wouldn't doubt that it was close. I had no idea how I survived this long without freezing to death, but I was pretty sure the piles of warm blankets helped. He never took them away once he brought them, every once in awhile giving me another to add to my little nest, so I'd spend my nights burrowed under many. Keeping myself somewhat warm with my own breath and body heat.
"What is it?" I asked hesitantly.
"You'll see when we get there." He replied with a small grin. Meaning, this 'surprise' was somewhere else. I was finally leaving the burrow, but I had to question his motives.
"Will it hurt?"
"Now, it wouldn't be a fucking surprise if I told you that, would it?" He asked in reply, "But.. Probably."
"Are you taking me home?"
"No." He scoffed, "You kidding? I haven't put up with your shit for three months to just give you back now. No. It happens tomorrow night, so you might as well just fucking get used to the idea."
Tomorrow night. I had miscounted. My heart sank.
"No thanks." I mumbled, turning back to the burrow.
"Still fucking stubborn." He sighed, scooping me up off my feet. Of course I fought, but that did nothing except make me tired. After a decent struggle, he looked at me, "Are you finished?"
I sighed, defeated, "Yeah."
Without replying, he started to run. I didn't ask where he was taking me. I didn't want to know. I just closed my eyes, letting him carry me wherever he was carrying me.
Three months living in nothing but guilt and shame did things to a person. Bad things. He could literally take me to the edge of a cliff and drop kick me over, and I wouldn't even bother to scream. I'd gone over and over what exactly I'd done wrong, realizing that he'd been right the entire time. He'd given me so many chances to make it right. I was selfish. I was a disgusting person. The guilt I felt clenched in me, curled up when there was no more room, folding over on itself several times. Choking what breath I could get.
If I had just stayed, none of what happened would ever have happened. Nobody would know what kind of a person Jack was. Nobody would have gotten hurt. I couldn't help allowing a few tears loose. Jack, right then, was the only form of comfort I had. Something I ached for from the night he took me.
He stopped, and I was surprised to find that I recognized the area. It took me a minute, but I did. He had taken me home. Not the Cullen's house, but my mom's trailer in Sappho. I vaguely recalled that it had caught fire several years before.
Nobody had taken it away after it burned. Most of its roof was gone, but the walls still stood. Black charring around the windows and the door. The weather had also gotten to it in our absence. It'd snowed recently, making it inside the house as well as blanketing the foliage.
I grew up in this place. Shocked that he would stoop so low, I looked over at him.
"I told you." He said, "I started this ten fucking years ago. It started here in this house, and this is where it'll end. Go inside."
"No." I mumbled, "I'm not going in there. You're fucking insane." With a sighing growl, he plucked me back up off my feet and carried me inside. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating every step he took.
The second he stepped through the door, the smell around me changed, and it threatened to turn my stomach. It was very musty, thick. Like the air in here hadn't changed a bit. The burnt walls still held a story. Fire couldn't erase that. Weather couldn't erase that.
He walked with me through the damp house, and despite how my eyes stayed shut tight, unwanted memories flowed through my mind like acid. Every step he took, I could feel my sanity slip a little further.
I felt him turn, walk a few steps before he stopped.
"Well, lookie here." He chuckled, but I refused to, "Look what made it." I knew where he was standing, and just being here made me want to vomit. Without waiting, he tossed me. I landed in what felt at first like pure snow. Until I bounced. I gasped at how cold it was against my thin clothing, scrambling to climb off.
It was my bed. My old bed with the metal frame. The thin, bare mattress still in the same spot I'd left it last. It smelled horribly of mold in here, some of the roof missing in the corner of the room above the bed against the wall shared with the bedroom next door, but most of it was still intact. The walls all still intact, as well as the door and the window. It didn't surprise me too much. My room had been the furthest room on this end. Furthest away from the fire, it seemed.
"Right there." He told me firmly, shoving me back onto the bed, "Right there is where it started. Do you remember?"
"Fuck you!" I couldn't help the sobs, "Fuck you!"
"I'll take that as a yes." He chuckled, "Good. This is where you'll be staying until tomorrow night. I'll come back for you then." He chuckled, "Nighty night." I glared after him as he left, hating him so much for bringing me back here.
It was strange, feeling something again. I tried to reject it.
I climbed off the bed, looking up at the ceiling and the snow falling through it. Jagged pieces of wood stuck out ominously, but I knew I'd never be strong enough to pull myself out of there. I tried the window, but it was very rusted shut. So I took shelter out of the snow across the room away from the bed.
I wasn't stupid. I knew what he was planning to do before he would bite me. I'd been lucky so far. He hadn't touched me in any way yet, but I'd been waiting for it. I knew he wouldn't risk it after I was turned until I was more tame, but risking it before I was turned was even more dangerous. He said he'd been practicing, but there was always that self-control thing. He didn't have what it took. I was sure of it.
Then again, he probably didn't care how badly he damaged me. As long as I was alive enough for him to turn me.
I shuddered, curling tighter in my warmth preserving ball.
I looked up at the hole in the ceiling again, really considering it now. I had to get out somehow. I wasn't going to just sit around and wait for him to come back. Three months was a long time to sit and wait. Now I could actually do something about it.
I had one last effort left in me, even if I knew it wouldn't do any good. I had to try.
I stood up and looked around myself. The only thing still usable was the bed, but I couldn't lift that. I didn't even want to look at it, much less touch it.
Opening the closet, I looked around. Inside was a pile of dirty clothes. One shirt hanging up, but that was it. If I remembered right, one of the boards supporting the bar in here was loose. Reaching over, it took a bit of effort but I got it loose. I doubted it'd do the trick, but it was worth a try. Backing out of the closet, I paused.
Looking down at the pile of clothes, I slowly kneeled. It smelled very musty in here, but I couldn't help pawing the pile apart. Memories flooded back to me as I lifted one shirt in particular. It was a sweatshirt. Light blue in color, covered in ash from burning trash.
It was baggy on me back then, but I held it up and really saw how incredibly small I used to be. It hit me hard. This was the day Alice came to see me. The day before I left for California. This was my history. My past. This grimey, ashy sweatshirt that I wore the first time Alice came to check on me. The day before we left for California.
How much life had I seen since I last wore this? How much had I been through? This was what I wore when I really considered my life to change. The day Alice came to see me.. How I'd idolized her. How I'd looked up to her, counted on her without even meaning to.
The memory struck hard with me. I wasn't even sure why this particular shirt caught my attention so thoroughly. It felt like more than a trip down memory lane. Out of everything in the closet, this was the one that I couldn't look away from. It literally felt like just yesterday that I was wearing it.
I forced myself to stop crying, tossing the shirt back into the closet and standing up. I took the board and moved for the window. Swinging the board as hard as I could, the board broke but the window remained intact.
I cursed, returned to the closet, and reached for the bar. I wasn't sure I could get it down, but it was worth a try. I slid it back and forth as hard as I could, eventually just pounding a hole in the wall. Enough to slide it through and down, pulling it to me.
I wasn't quiet about getting this thing, so I knew he'd heard every bit of effort I'd put into this if he was still anywhere around.
I returned to the window, and this time, it broke with a solid swing of the bar. The glass shattered, letting in more of a thorough icy breeze, and as cold as I was, I swung again. Breaking more of the glass before dropping the pole to the side.
Now what? I blinked in the cold breeze coming through the newly opened window, and I knew by the way it stung my skin that there was no way I'd survive out there. I'd freeze to death in my quest to get free. It was tempting, though. Freezing to death was preferable over what waited for me staying here.
"Fuck it." I jumped, turning sharply as the door came slamming open behind me, "Christmas came early." I backed up several steps, my bare feet crunching in a few shards of broken glass, as he approached. He gripped my head between his hands and kissed me. I was in shock for several seconds before shoving at him. The bruising pain of the force he used made my eyes tear up.
"You just don't learn." He growled, only pulling back enough to speak. His hands balled in my hair, forcing me still as he kissed me again.
"Wait." I whimpered against his lips, "Jack, wait." He jerked me back a bit to look at me. He stared into my eyes, and I desperately tried to think. Trying to come up with some excuse. My thoughts were scattered like frightened birds as he walked me a few steps to the side and back, my legs finding the cold frame of the bed.
"W-Wait.." I whimpered, a sharper edge of desperation in my tone. My heart pounded hard as I reached back, trying to brace myself on the metal bar of the foot board. I couldn't breathe, and one good push broke my grip and I landed on the icy mattress. I bounced a bit before he was there, kneeling next to me. Blocking any escape as he cornered me against the wall.
I scrambled in desperation, trying to climb off the bed, but he took my upper arm in his hand, flipping me around and effectively pinning me face down.
"Don't do this now." I begged into the snow, my tears stinging as they met the snow against my cheek. He growled, sitting himself on my thighs as his hands trailed over my sides.
"Please.." I sobbed, staring at the wall. I pushed myself up, my nails searching for anything I could use to pull myself free. That ended with a grunt from me as he pushed me back down by my head. Solid stone holding me in place.
"Don't do this now." I cried, "Y-You don't want to ruin it." By the way he paused, I knew I was on the right track, "It'll mean more to you tomorrow. Right? Wouldn't it?"
"Dammit." He grumbled, lowering himself and laying over me, "You're right."
But his hands kept roaming. His left hand curling over my hip. Forcing itself between me and the mattress. I squirmed, trying to get away from his questing hand by pulling my knee up and under me, but unfortunately, that only helped him. Giving him more room.
His weight was just too much to free myself out from under. His broad chest pressed against my slight back, one of his arms securing itself around my neck and the other still on its quest.
I literally couldn't do anything. I wasn't sure what I was expecting before, but how real this had suddenly become scared the living hell out of me. I fought, only succeeding in frustrating myself.
"Get off of me, you cow!" I finally snapped, and he laughed, holding me tighter, "I can't- Ugh!" He flexed his arm around my neck, squeezing off my breath for just a second. It became apparent that he was playing with me. He wanted the reactions I was giving him. He wanted me to struggle, to plead with him. It was everything to him, yet I knew he also wanted me to give in. I literally couldn't win.
Only a second after I figured that out, he was climbing off of me.
"One chance." He told me firmly from across the room, "If I hear you fucking twitch one muscle toward that window, we're doing it now."
Of course I laid there trembling, intensely scared now over even thinking about escape. That surely hadn't gone the way I thought it would, but I thought of something. As he closed the door behind himself, I started hatching a plan.
As far as I knew, none of the Cullens had ever seen the inside of my bedroom. I didn't think it would be too much to ask to talk with them one last time. Cell phones nowadays had the option to 'video chat' with someone. They could see me as well as hear me. That included the room behind me.
Jack was set on doing this here. If I ruined that plan, I would have to be smart about it, but it was the last chance I had. Perhaps I was in a moment of insanity, but I was probably entitled to it.
It was a pretty simple plan, but it was all I had. It was all I had to get me through the freezing cold night and the dark room around me.
The most I did was move off the bed, and scurried across the room. I hated it, but the only cover I had was inside my closet, under the small pile of clothing in there. It must have been acceptable, because he didn't come back in.
So I laid curled up under the pile of clothing, much like I'd always been in my burrow under the blankets. I plotted while I waited until Jack returned in the morning. Coming in to feed me. I decided then to make my request.
I was too nervous to eat, but I tried for just long enough for it to be believable. Slowly gathering up the courage I needed to ask what I needed to ask. Was this really a good idea?
"Please.." I finally mumbled as he watched me, "Just once. Can I talk to them? With video so I can see them? Before you.. Do this?" I waited nervously as he stared at me from where he crouched beside the door. No acknowledgement at first that he'd even heard me.
"I won't try to pull anything." I went on quieter, "We can even leave this room, so they don't recognize it." He finally moved. Breathing in sharply as he stood up, but I could tell he wasn't mad. Just thinking about it. He obviously gave it some serious thought, so I added more to it, "I promise. If you let me do this, I won't complain anymore."
He just couldn't resist shoving it in their faces before it was actually done, and it was the first time I'd outright asked.
"Fine." He barked, and I carefully moved to stand up, "But I promise if they show up, you'll regret it."
I nodded anyway. I knew if they showed up, they wouldn't be alone.
"I won't say anything about where I am, and I'll do whatever you say." I murmured my promise, and he nodded as well. Turning to leave the room. I followed him easily out into the little alcove outside my room, waiting as he looked around. Just as I hoped he would, he shoved me into the bathroom. This was the same bathroom that I'd stood in to clean the ash off my face. Alice would recognize it easily.
He handed me his cell phone, shoving himself into the bathroom with me and closing the door. The room fell into pitch darkness, and I saw a flaw in my plan. All they would have to see by was the light from the screen, and even then, there wasn't much they could see. I was standing in the space between the sink and toilet, facing the sink and door. It was such an awkward angle, with nothing really identifiable behind me.
"Go." He told me firmly, and with fingers trembling, I dialed Carlisle's number. I wasn't sure if he knew how to chat with video, but I could only hope at this point. I would have to call him first and see if he had the program on his phone to do so.
"Hello?" He answered tensely, as if an unknown number calling him made him nervous. I'd already been gone over three months at this point. No word, no contact. Just gone without a trace. They probably all expected me to be dead.
"Carlisle." I whimpered, and I couldn't help the emotion, "I'm sorry." God, why couldn't I just keep it together for five seconds? I didn't have time for this.
"Leandra, where are you?" He asked.
"I can't say." I replied, "I can't tell you that, but.. He.. He let me call you to say goodbye. I only have this one chance to tell you that."
"Has he hurt you?" Yes. In more than one way.
"No." I said, "Not yet. I have until tonight, but after that.." Carlisle knew my story. He knew what day it was, and he knew that tonight would mean something to Jack. I took a trembling breath, "I need to know if you can video chat." I prayed he knew what that meant, but I couldn't help doubting that he would ever need to use that feature.
"I can." I immediately heard Rosalie say from beside him.
"Call Rose." He told me, and my hope got brighter. He carefully gave me her number, and all the information I needed.
"Okay." I mumbled, "In a minute." I hung up and got everything set up on Jack's phone. He waited, watching my every move from beside me. Ensuring I stayed in my corner. Practically pressed up against the wall.
It hardly rang once before it was suddenly answered. The first one I saw was Rose, of course, before I focused on my own image. I really didn't look well.
Months of living underground had taken its toll on my skin, and I honestly looked like total dog shit warmed over. Dark circles under my eyes, the skin of my face and neck pale but blotchy red. My eyes red-rimmed from exhaustion and emotion, my nose and the skin around my nose pink. My lips pale before I bit my lip. That helped a little bit, bringing some sort of color to them. My hair was messy and limp, falling into my face from where I looked down at the phone in my hand.
I also looked like I lost weight. Not too much, but the skin of my cheeks and part of my slightly bruised neck was sallow and sunken.
I looked sick. Very ill, and it took me a few seconds to realize that I looked almost as bad on the outside as I felt on the inside. I took my gaze off of my own image, and looked back to theirs.
Of course Emmett was crowded beside Rosalie, looking at me as well. As much as I didn't want them to see me like this, it was just good to see them. Jack was easily visible beside me, keeping me trapped, so after getting their good look at me, I could tell when they spotted him. Rose's expression darkened in record time.
"I'm hunting you down." She told him, and he chuckled as I looked over at him.
"Bring it, baby." He said, "I haven't forgotten about you." She glared heatedly, but spoke again.
"Look at her." She snapped.
"I see her." He replied simply, "She's still alive, isn't she?"
"Barely." Emmett countered, and Jack just smiled.
"Honestly, Leandra." Rose was talking to me again, so I looked back to the phone, "Where have you been?"
"Don't answer that." Jack told me before I could even think about it. It stopped my voice right in my throat.
"I can't tell you." I muttered after a moment, "Somewhere cold." That seemed to be acceptable as he didn't hit me.
"Hurry it up." Jack told me, his hand coming up and placing itself on the back of my neck. I winced a little, unable to help it.
"Emmett." I couldn't help smiling through my emotion, "You're okay." That was an amazing relief after what Jack had told me the night the baby was born.
"I'm fine, shorty." He assured me, "Worried sick about you, though."
"I'm alive." I whimpered through increasing tears, "God, I'm so sorry."
"Please don't be sorry." He replied, "We're going to find you."
"Not in time." I sobbed, "And I.. Don't want you to." Jack's hand lightly squeezed the back of my neck, so I knew he approved. Jack moved on to gathering my hair gently and lightly tugging on it.
"What?" Emmett frowned.
"Stay away." I sniffled hard, "I'm staying. I'm staying with him. I won't let anyone else get hurt because of me."
"Good girl." Jack chuckled beside me.
"You can't be serious." Rose muttered with a frown.
"Let me talk to her." Carlisle murmured from the side.
Rosalie looked over, "Here. Talk some sense into her." She handed the phone over to Carlisle. He was suddenly there, and naturally, I started to cry. I cursed internally, realizing that with Jack there, they really couldn't see anything behind me.
"I don't have long." I cried, "But.. I need to know first. Is the baby okay?"
"He's fine." He assured me. Jack slid his arm around my neck, and I closed my eyes as he crowded me.
"Long time no talk, Carlisle." He chuckled, kissing my cheek roughly. I winced.
"Ow." I mumbled, trying to push him away, "Stop, Jack."
"You won't be saying that tonight." He told me and I looked over at him. His hand came up and gripped my jaw to keep me steady, and he kissed me again.
"Stop!" I snapped, turning my head away as much as I could, "God. Just.. Go over there for a second. Please." He chuckled, but astonishingly, did as I asked. Jerking my head a bit as he half shoved me away, I watched him as he walked away.
"Leandra," Carlisle spoke again, "Where have you been?"
"Don't answer that." Jack told me from the side and I glanced over briefly.
"I can't answer that." I replied, sniffling, "But.. Um.. He let me call you, because after tonight, I won't see any of you for a long time. I promised I would go along with whatever he wanted if I could.." I paused for the emotion, "If I could just see everyone one last time."
"We will find you." He told me, but I shook my head. I was changing my mind about all this through each passing second.
"Don't." I whimpered, my voice hardly above a whisper, "Carlisle, I just.. I just wanted to tell you thank you. I'm-"
"Leandra," He was firmer, "We're not giving up on you." I ignored Jack's scoff off to the side.
"You have to." I replied, "I wanted to thank you. For everything you've done for me. How much you tried." I could see the emotion behind his frown and furrowed brow. He knew what this was. He knew what I was trying to say, just in case this didn't work.
Jack showed back up at my side, "And don't even think about trying to find her, Carlisle. Remember what happened the last time you fucked with what I wanted. I'm only letting her do this so she'll shut the fuck up." I was still torn, so I made my request.
"Alice." I spoke, shutting Jack up, "I need to see her. While I can."
"I'm on it, shorty." Emmett spoke from the background. Beside Carlisle, Esme showed up. I immediately looked down, sobs choking my breath. I couldn't even look at her, the guilt tearing me up. She could obviously read the anguish in my eyes.
"Leandra," She spoke gently, "It's okay."
"Look at her, slut." Jack told me from the side, "She's a good reminder." I looked over at him in the dark.
"Don't listen to him, honey." Esme said, "No matter what he's told you, you are not responsible for anything he's done."
"I am." I cried hard now, and part of me actually wanted to give up and end the call. That was a very poisonous thought to have. I didn't have to face what I'd done. I didn't have to face any of it. Jack decided to reinforce that.
"I said," Jack reached over, "Look at her." He gripped my face again, forcing it forward. Jerking the phone from my hand and holding it steady. Making sure they could see me as well. He spoke quietly to me now, his clenched teeth maybe half an inch from the side of my face, "Look at what you've done. Look at her and tell her how sorry you are."
"I'm sorry." I said, "I'm so sorry."
"Don't listen to him." Rose slid over on the couch as well, all of them barely managing to fit in the image, "He's nothing but a pig, not man enough to come find me instead of you."
"Now promise her." Jack told me, ignoring her, "Promise her that you'll be a good little bitch and stay your ass with me."
"I promise." I whimpered, still averting my eyes.
"Better." Jack replied, releasing me.
"What happened wasn't your fault." Esme completely ignored him, "Don't think for one second it was."
"He's right." I replied, "If I had just stayed with him from the start, none of this would have ever happened. If I stay with him, he'll leave you alone. I just.. I need you to promise me that whatever happens to me, the baby will be okay."
"He's fine." She told me, "He's being very well taken care of by his family. Leandra, I promise you, sweetheart. You will see him again."
"Leandra." I jumped a little at Mikah suddenly calling from the side. Carlisle handed him the phone, but that just made it harder. He got a good look at me, and I got a good look at him. I could instantly see the worry replace the slight relief he'd had before.
"God," He murmured, "Where have you been?" Before I could even tell him I couldn't tell him where I'd been, my voice got stuck again.
"Leandra." I heard Alice's voice in the background, "I'm here." That seemed to do it. It was too much. In a split second, I remembered how much I cared about her, even right from the start. How much she meant to me. How hard she tried. How hard they all tried, and I knew that this would be no different. They wouldn't stop.
I gasped in a sob, "I can't do it."
I had a choice to make. In a very short period of time. Instinct had me drop the phone down, covering the screen against my stomach. I stood there, sobbing for a moment. I couldn't be the reason behind their suffering anymore. I felt myself putting the breaks on this plan of mine.
"What are you doing?" Jack asked, frowning.
"I can't do it, Jack." I cried, looking over at him.
"Leandra." Alice's voice was demanding, so I looked back down at the phone. Keeping it mostly hidden. I could clearly see my own emotion in the light from the phone. She could obviously see it too as she took the phone from Mikah, "Talk to me."
Mikah peered over her shoulder, so I could see them both. Mikah looked half like he wanted to kill everything in sight, and half like his entire world was just destroyed. Alice was staying firm.
"I can't take any of it back." I sobbed.
"You have absolutely nothing you need to take back." She replied simply, "Do you really believe after all this time that we would ever hold you accountable for any of it?"
"You don't." I replied, "I do." She seemed to understand, but I went on anyway, "I don't think you blame me for anything. I don't think any of you hold me accountable for anything he's done, and that's the whole problem. You don't see it. You want so bad to protect me from him, but what you don't get, is you can't do that without putting everything you love and care about in the middle of it too. It just doesn't work like that."
Jack's chuckle had me closing my eyes briefly, trying to steel myself as I went on.
"I've been under his boot for my entire life." I mumbled, "No matter where I was, what I was doing, or how much you think I'm wrong, he's always held the leash. From the second he met me, my life was over. I don't think you really get what that's like, but that means that no matter what you do, it won't change. I knew I was on the right track last time, before Eli made me come back here."
I took a breath, shaking my head.
"You all might not think that what he's done is my fault, but I do." I went on, quieter, "I knew back then that running away was selfish, and it's about time I crawl back to him."
"No." Mikah told me firmly.
I ignored that, "If I keep my promise, he'll keep his promise. That's all that matters to me. I can't take it back. I'd give anything to just take it back."
"You really think we're just gonna let you give up?" Mikah asked, "Just tell me where you are. I'll take care of the rest."
"It's not your choice." I countered, shaking my head.
"Don't listen to him." Alice said, "Don't let Jack win."
"I'm not listening to him." I replied through tears, "I'm finally listening to me." Before she could argue with that, I looked over at Jack as a tear fell from my eye, "I can't do this."
"Do what?" He asked, obviously now suspicious.
"Leandra?" Alice was trying to get my attention again.
"What are you doing?" Jack demanded this time. When I didn't reply, he strode over and gripped the wrist of the hand holding the phone. Pulling it back enough for me to get a look. I could just see the concern in her eyes, and that made up my mind for me. I looked away, over at Jack standing there.
"I can't do it." I sobbed up at him, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
"Leandra." Mikah was the firm one now, demanding my attention. I glanced to the phone again.
"I'm sorry." I told him now, "Just.. Remember how I always was." He jerked the phone back from Alice, and for a second, I hesitated. I would have given anything to put an end to the anguish I saw in his eyes in that brief glance.
"Don't do it." He told me, "You hear me? Don't you-"
"Someone hug Andrew for me." I requested, "Please, and.." I choked off, tears blurring my vision, "And please make sure my son knows how much I loved him."
"Stop it." Mikah nearly plead.
"I am." I replied, "I'm putting a stop to it right now."
"Out with it, bitch." Jack barked, taking my attention again.
"She's seen it before." I cried to him, confessing everything, "Alice has seen where we are."
"Leandra, no." Carlisle sounded as if he couldn't believe I'd do that. I'd just completely ruined whatever chance I had at rescue, but I did it for them.
"Leandra." Mikah gasped in the same tone Carlisle had used.
"Repeat that." Jack snapped his hand out, gripping my neck. One glance over told me they could see this too.
"She's seen where we are." I told him through tightening breath, "The first time she ever came looking for me, she was here. She saw this room."
"Sappho." Alice snapped off to the side, "Go." Half a second later, I heard the front door slam open over the phone.
"I wanted to try to let her see it now, so she'll know where we are." I continued at Jack, "I'm sorry."
"You just lost a day." Jack growled, jerking the phone from my hand. He dropped it on the floor and stepped on it. Smashing it to pieces effortlessly. He whipped me up off my feet and we ran. Leaving that place behind. I honestly couldn't remember him ever running so fast.
I lost track of how long we ran, but all of his sudden direction changes were making me dizzy, and the grief was making me sick. I didn't dare complain, though. I was already in enough trouble. Whatever direction we were going, the snow increased.
It was snowing hard this way, and by the time we got back to the burrow, I was soaked to the skin and freezing cold.
"The snow will cover your scent before they can follow it up here." He growled, dropping me onto the pile of blankets. I sobbed, shivering as I slowly curled into a ball of despair.
It was slowly dawning on me what I had just done, but before I could dwell too much on it, my reasons quickly followed. I would have given anything to take everything back. To just go back and make everything right. The pain and grief I caused them weighed on me hard. Shoving my decisions in one straight direction. I wasn't even trying to look for a way out anymore.
"I'm sorry." I told him, and he growled again, dropping the boulder back into place. Trapping us both in here.
"You fucked it up!" He snarled at me, and I covered my ears, "You stupid fucking bitch! It was supposed to happen there!"
"I'm tired!" I cried, "I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm cold, Jack. Please.. I-I wasn't thinking."
He growled loudly in irritation before he took a breath and sighed.
"Well." He grumbled, "You did come to your senses. Something you've never fucking done before." I stayed quiet, watching him, "Okay. We'll just have to do it here, then. I'm not risking everything by going back there."
He continued to study me before he sighed again. I watched as he sat down next to me.
"First things first." He said, reaching over and grabbing my arm, "I need to prepare." I whimpered as he pulled me over and onto his lap. Forcing me back until my back was against his chest.
"I'm already cold, Jack." I pointed out quietly, "What are you doing?"
"I'm desensitizing myself." He replied, "Now shut the fuck up."
I had no choice but to do as he told me. I was sure he planned it this way, but I was cold, weak and tired. Mentally numb, quickly growing emotionally numb, and fully aware of the fact that any resistance was pointless.
I could feel it changing in me. The way I felt.
That lack of resistance would never mean compliance. It was more like defeat. I was so tired of fighting at this point, if I didn't give up now, I would snap and smash my head against the nearest wall over and over until I couldn't anymore.
I had a good run, I told myself. It took him this long to officially break me. I lost all forms of hope that day, forced to sit there on his lap, shivering as my body tried desperately to warm itself up.
He was right. The entire time we sat there, nobody came. Despite my warnings, I knew they had to still be looking, but they never came. Meaning, they couldn't find us.
I retreated into my mind, but refused to let my thoughts wander. To him, it would probably seem like I was asleep, but there was no way I could sleep. He spoke to me now and then, but he didn't sound mean. Like what I was doing was exactly what he wanted. He finally approved.
All thoughts aside, every single one of them, his hands roaming could almost feel like a light massage. From my fingers to my shoulders, shoulders down my back, back up to my neck and back again. It was like he knew exactly where I was in my giving up process, as he didn't venture anywhere that would make me freak out.
During those hours, I felt myself letting go. Letting go of my life before. Mourning the loss, but knowing there was no way to keep it. I started to cry near nightfall, having held it back as long as I could.
Nobody would ever fully understand how hard for me this was. I'd always been a fighter. To give up now seemed so impossible just a few months ago. Now that it was my only choice, it was so hard to let go.
All Jack had needed was a few uninterrupted hours alone with me, and given the way his touch lightened, it was working. With my thoughts refusing to wander, it was a very comforting thing. Like he was trying to draw more of my tears out without causing me more pain. It was the strangest thing, but I didn't give it much thought.
It never occurred to me what he was doing during those silent hours until it was too late. I remembered all I knew about his ability, and suddenly, all the changes in me made sense, but by that time, there was nothing I could do to resist it.
Doing internal inventory, I could still feel the hatred I always felt for him, but it had branched out. Finally shedding light on all the complicated parts of what I felt for him. Hating him in many, many different ways, but I also knew that that hatred, in all it's many forms, was what tied me to him. I finally began to understand what he'd been telling me all this time.
Holding onto that hatred and fear of him, it kept me tied to him. All these years, he and I still had a connection. It was that connection that he was using now to sway me, to reinforce in his favor. I never would have thought it would have been possible, but it was.
He never let up, with either the physical pressure of his hands or the changes his ability was causing. Not once did I ever get a break, and that in itself was what broke me so thoroughly. Overwhelming all of my senses and tangling my thoughts in exactly the way he wanted.
However, somewhere toward the evening, he tensed hard under me, nearly snapping me out of my defeat for a second.
"Oh," He growled to himself, "How I fucking hate solicitors." Seconds later, the boulder was moved. Picked up violently, and moved to the side. The fading evening light made it impossible for me to clearly see who it was, even as I lifelessly looked over.
"Shorty," It was Emmett, "Are you okay?" I didn't answer. Jack stood up easily, dumping me off his lap. I felt nothing. No hope, no joy at being found. I just curled up where I'd fallen. I did have a horrible feeling in my stomach, though.
"Go." I whimpered, pushing myself up with my arms, "You shouldn't be here." He paid no attention to that when I knew he really should have.
"You're alone?" Jack asked him, straightening his shirt, "That was stupid." Somehow I knew Jack was feeling cornered. There would be nothing he wouldn't do to keep me away from them, and that worried me even more. The process had already begun.
"Not for long." Emmett replied with a growl, turning to look back behind him. He gave a shrill whistle, but Jack darted forward. My heart sank as I tried to follow what happened next.
For a split second, Emmett had gained the advantage. He'd turned, knocking Jack back and facing him, but Jack quickly came back. Emmett caught hold of him, but it wasn't enough. Jack punched him back, which only pissed him off.
"Go." I sobbed through emotion, "Emmett, please." Emmett punched Jack backwards, ducking into the burrow with me. He scooped me up, but suddenly dropped me as Jack yanked him out with an echoing snarl.
I hit the rock, my head bouncing once and disorienting me. It all happened so fast, and I could no longer follow what was going on.
When I finally could look over, it was just in time to see as Jack finally overwhelmed him. Winning the upper hand.
I thawed out, and reacted when Emmett hit the ground, laying half over the edge of the cliff and didn't get back up. To my horror, I realized what had happened.
"No!" My voice broke around me, but before I could even start to cry, I was scooped up, and we were falling. Jack leaped over the edge, plummeting toward the ocean below. The icy water swallowing my entire body stole whatever breath I had left, and stupidly, my body tried to breathe in again.
I started to fight as the water filled my lungs, and sensing I was in trouble, Jack pushed me back up to the surface. I coughed hard as soon as my head broke free. My throat and chest were on fire as I fought hard for a breath.
We were moving, though. Jack, still having a hold of me, was swimming along the face of the cliff we'd just jumped off of. I sobbed when I could, ignoring the physical pain for now. That sight would always be burned in my memory.
He stopped just long enough to tell me to hold my breath. Not wanting to drown, I took as deep a breath as I could. He pulled me under the water, and as soon as I felt the water close over the top of my head, I nearly sobbed again.
Underneath the surface of the water was a small enclave in the rock. He pulled me through it, but I couldn't see a damn thing. Through the enclave, was a hole in the rock leading upward into a cave. A small cavern having been eroded and carved out over time by the waves, it was small and cramped, but there was enough room.
He boosted me upwards, out of the water and through the small hole into the tiny cave. There was one ledge in here, almost not enough room to sit upright, but I climbed up onto the ledge, the calmer water's movements causing a bit of water to wash over the ledge. It was far from dry in here, pitch dark, wet and claustrophobic, but I could hardly pay attention to that.
"Why?" I demanded as soon as I heard him pull himself in next to me, tears pouring from my eyes.
"Shut up." He snapped at me over the sound of the water falling off of both of us, "He's fine."
"No he's-" I cut off at a rough slap from him, my small cry echoing back at me. Before I could even recover from that, he was grabbing hold of me. He forced me down, pulling me under him and laid over top of me. Pinning me with his weight.
"Now you listen to me." He growled, "That is not your life anymore. You shed one more tear over that stupid bastard, and I'll make you watch while I kill every last one of them." I sobbed loudly through clenched teeth, fighting against him. I only then realized exactly his position on top of me when I couldn't use my legs for leverage.
I wasn't ready for this yet, and he knew that. One thing he couldn't steal from me was my sense of self-preservation, but that was nowhere near enough to free myself. All it did was make him chuckle quietly at my futile attempts to get him off of me. The sound just as dark as the cavern around us, just as cold as the rock beneath me.
I felt like I couldn't breathe, my panting breaths thick and painful. Laying like this with him reminded me way too much of all the years I spent with him in this same position, but just like before, there was nothing I could do about it.
"Shh.." He hissed into my ear with a soft chuckle, "I think it's about time." Before I could reply, he readjusted, smashing me a bit more into the rock as he laid his upper body over mine, his elbows the only thing keeping him from laying completely on me.
The desensitizing process started all over again.
It was worse now, because I was soaking wet, shivering violently against him. The sound of my sobs of despair echoing around us, feeling the water lapping at my back. I wasn't sure if I should even bother fighting, but that didn't stop me from trying. After what he'd done, I couldn't help it.
"Shut up." He finally growled at me, pinning my neck with his arm, cutting my cries off into silence, speaking in a growling whisper now, "This is happening whether you accept it or not. I've waited way too long. It'll be better if you just close your eyes and pretend it's all a dream." I could feel each beat of my heart between us, shaking now with fear as well as the numbing cold all around me.
Staring up into the dark.
Nobody came.
That entire night, nobody else came to find me. I tried as hard as I could to fight him off, but no matter what I did, or how hard I tried, it never got me anywhere. He finally got what he'd been wanting from me for so long, and it lasted for hours. Well into the night, nearest the dawn. On the night this first began ten years before, he ended it. Just like he said he would.
The smell around me would always live with me. The scent of salt water and cold. The rock against my back, the stone smashing me into it. It was this point that everything changed for me.
I would have lived. I would have made it out of this relatively unharmed, but he decided to bite me anyway. Just as the light of the new day started to lighten the water next to us, he forced my head to the side and he bit me.
Being pinned under him while his teeth pierced my skin changed me more than his venom ever would. It changed me in ways his venom couldn't touch, and he knew that. Begging to the rocky walls of the cavern in the earth, begging for him to stop, to reconsider, to not do this to me changed me in ways I could never describe. Even while burning alive, there was only him. Everything I felt, saw, smelled, and heard was him. He was everywhere, and there was literally nowhere I could go to get away from it.
The third breath I took to sob got stuck. I physically felt myself flinch as the intense pain suddenly shifted. At first I thought it was supposed to happen that way, but it changed. Twisting around me, shifting into something more.
For a blissful moment, I stopped paying attention to what Jack was still doing to me.
I couldn't believe it at first, but I recognized this feeling. It had already happened to me once before. The change in consciousness, the almost physical sensation of another part of my mind beginning to wake up while the one I was using now started to fade. It hurt behind my eyes, spreading through the top of my head, down my neck before blending into another type of pain.
I was waking up.
It was different this time, though. I knew this time, I would remember everything. I would remember everything about absolutely everything I'd just lived through. I would get to keep it this time. I grasped for it desperately, closing my eyes to the pain I was being put through.
In the time it took me to take a deep breath, it felt different. The memory of the pain of the venom lingered a bit, but it was gone. Instead, my entire body ached in a different way.
It was now silent around me. No echoing sound of water or my cries. I was warm again, and I was dry. There was no venom in my veins.
I forced my tired eyes to open, and at first I couldn't see anything. I looked around me, my breath hitching against the intense pain mainly centered along my back. It didn't take me longer than a few seconds to recall that I was buried under a thin blanket. Jack was nowhere to be seen, and I laid alone on a soft surface.
In a burst of energy I hadn't had in awhile, I fought my way out from under the blanket and sat up. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was home.
I wasn't pinned under Jack anymore. I was home. I wasn't freezing to death in some underwater cave anymore. I was home. I was on the couch I remembered so well.
I went to get up with another burst of energy, grateful now that I could, but the blankets were tangled around my feet. I struggled for a moment, still really disoriented, until I managed to flip off the couch and land on my shoulder. The pain knocked the breath out of me, and I nearly threw up.
Instantly in crying tears, I shook hard through left over emotion and confusion.
"Leandra." Esme came striding in, obviously very concerned.
I sobbed, righting myself as soon as I could. I patted myself, though, looking down and around. I was human, and still very young. My clothes were rather ratty, and I had a very bad feeling I knew when this was.
I knew exactly when this was, but more importantly, I knew where I was. I was back home. I was safe, and I wasn't in the beginning stages of being turned.
"Leandra, honey.." Esme helped me to sit up as I scooted back. I watched her through wide, tearing eyes as she untangled my feet for me. Once my feet were free, she looked over at me. The second I realized that she was okay, I sobbed, suddenly clinging to her. I couldn't help it.
"How old am I?" I cried into her shoulder.
"What's going on?" Alice came in, deep concern etched on her face.
"How old am I?" I cried again. I needed to know.
"Honey, you're nine." Esme answered, which only made me cry harder. I couldn't do it all again. The only thought making it through my extremely disoriented mind was all of that had been a dream. All of it.
"I can't." I cried, releasing her, "I can't."
"Leandra, calm down." Alice told me, stepping closer and kneeling beside me.
"Wait.." I suddenly gasped, fresh tears still coating my cheeks as I forced myself to my feet. Groaning in pain, and doubling over briefly before striding for the bathroom. I wasn't used to this pain anymore, and it was messing me up.
"Leandra?" Alice followed, "What's going on?" I closed the door in her face before staring at myself in the mirror. Sure enough, my nine-year-old self stared back at me. The image of myself I had in my mind really did not match the one staring back at me. It was a massive adjustment I had to make.
My wide green eyes matching a memory I had once. My dark auburn hair framed my small face, the bruises still plain as day. The field trip I'd taken, having met Alice for the very first time, had only been two days ago. My mom was still in rehab. Jack was still human. None of it had happened yet. Tomorrow, I would be going to California to meet Ken for the first time. I hadn't yet had a chance to run away.
As I stood there watching myself, my mind slowly started working again. All of it. Everything I remembered from this point forward was a dream. Again. Nobody in the world could understand how disorienting it was moving years forward, only to be yanked right back here. Every bit of progress, every achievement, wiped clean in the time it took for me to open my eyes.
Only I could remember it this time.
Everything, including the first vision I had, and exactly when last night's started. Both timelines, almost stuck together. I could see exactly when and where and how much everything changed between the two from where I was now. I had more of a perspective on them both. Like my mind was getting used to this.
All the pain I would feel in my head while the last vision was going on suddenly made sense. It was my mind getting stronger. Safely getting stronger while I slept.
I shook my head, trying to focus again. I could just remember the day before like it was years ago. Alice had brought me back here after convincing me to come here and meet everyone. I'd fallen asleep on the couch while refusing to answer their questions. Something that happened either now, or after this, is what I had to fix.
It suddenly occurred to me with that thought. I could fix it. This would change literally everything I knew about what happened.
"I can fix it." I gasped out loud, forcing the door back open and walking passed Alice, "I can fix it, Alice. It doesn't have to happen that way."
END - TO BE CONTINUED.
A/N: I'm sorry this took so long. RL has been eating up almost all of my time and concentration lately. We've been planning a big move, and with Little KNeu, that's not as easy as it sounds.
BUT ANYHOO!
THANK YOU to my one reviewer of last chapter! You're still amazing! THANK YOU! And to those that still refuse to review.. Any chance you can leave a review telling me why? That would be nice.
Next story shouldn't take long. I have a lot of it written out. I'm hoping at least a few of you stick around to see how different things can be.
Until next story, my beautiful readers!