Xxxxx
My husband does not want me. And I do not want him. I never wanted any of this.
When Lucien opened the door and saw me standing there, he was speechless, horrified. It was nothing like a movie, where the separated lovers embrace. Lucien, who is always placing his hands on a person's arm or shoulder, would not even touch me. I was more than a ghost: I was a phantom.
This is all wrong. Everything is all wrong. I am free of the camps, but I am still a prisoner. Will I ever stop being a prisoner?
I never expected to see Lucien again. And in truth, when Derek told me he was alive I was glad, but nothing more. Too much time had passed, and too much had happened. Our time together was a pleasant memory, and that is what I want it to remain. But Derek has other ideas. He's promised me my freedom in exchange for Lucien. If I fail "to deliver" my husband, he will make sure I find myself back in the work camp. What he wants Lucien for I neither know nor care; I just want to be free. So I will do what he wants. Or try to. A prisoner does what she is told.
But Lucien does not want me back. I know it is not just the shock of seeing me again. Lucien is kind but transparent; I can see that my resurrection is unexpected and unwelcome. He loves the memory, not the manifestation. I should be hurt or insulted, but I am mostly angry. Not because my husband does not want me, but because his refusal to take me back means I cannot be free of Derek. I am tired of being controlled by others.
I do not want to be in this house, or in his bed. I do not want to be Mrs Blake. Not anymore.
But I will try again tomorrow. I must. I must fight for me.