A/N This is what you get when I binge-watch TDBM and Firefly while ironing. Apologies all around.

The morgue was normally a quiet, peaceful place, a secular sanctuary. The vast majority of people found it gruesome and creepy and gave it a wide berth, entering only when absolutely necessary. And the fact that a woman was in charge made it seem even more unnatural. All of which suited Dr Alice Harvey just fine. She liked dead people: they didn't squirm, talk back or ask stupid questions. They would just lie there, allowing her to do her job. Alice loved her job, and she was damn good at it.

She'd gotten used to Dr Lucien Blake, Ballarat police surgeon, although he still tended to take over whenever they worked together. Nevertheless, he was intelligent and respectful and thoroughly competent, and treated her as an equal, even when he was being a bit of a pompous ass. In truth, Alice quite liked him, and considered him a friend, which was a change from the usual adversarial relationships she had with her other male colleagues. And as acquiescent as her patients were, one-sided conversations could be a bit wearisome. Blake was a nice diversion. She would have been pleasantly surprised to find that he thought the same of her.

So when the new Chief Superintendent William Munro began haunting the morgue, more threatening than any disturbed spirit, Alice was immediately on her guard. Munro was never there for any particular reason other than to badger her for autopsy results or lab reports or, in his words, "to observe the medical side of things". But he had her in his sights, Alice knew, and it could not be good. She did her best to remain cool and aloof - her usual demeanor - but he exuded a miasma of maliciousness that unnerved her.

On this particular morning Alice was preparing to perform an autopsy on an elderly man found dead in his home. It should have been a rather routine procedure, but Munro was treating it as a suspicious death. He was suspicious of everything, it seemed. Alice was relieved when Blake waltzed into the room. He quickly surveyed the scene, missing nothing. Munro became even more suspicious, narrowing his eyes even further.

"Ah, Dr Harvey. Zăoshang hăo." Blake was ignoring the Chief Superintendent as long as possible. Alice wondered if he was deliberately being obnoxious. Stupid question, of course he was. It came as naturally as breathing to the man. "And to you, William." Alice knew he hated being called William, which is why Blake did it. Despite the tension in the room, she felt her lips twinge in an effort to keep from smiling.

"As I am not Chinese, Doctor, and neither is Miss Harvey, I see no reason to for you to use it here," spat Munro, his blatant disrespect for Alice present is his reference to her. Alice gripped the scalpel a little tighter, wondering if she could throw it with enough force and accuracy to bury it in his skull. Probably not; his skull was too thick.

Lucien smiled. "Apologies, William. I've just received a letter from my daughter. You know, the one who lives in Shanghai. Naturally, she doesn't speak English, and I find I miss the beauty of the Mandarin language. A little cultural expansion can do us all good." He smiled, seemingly oblivious to the daggers Munro was throwing his way. "It means 'good morning'".

"I'm not interested in language lessons, Doctor Blake. I want to know why this man died."

"Of course, William. I hope you don't mind if I continue; I find it clears the mind. Qing Wah Cao De Liu Mang."

Blake turned back to Alice, whose perfectly arched eyebrows had disappeared into her hairline. She tried to shoot him a look of "What the hell are you doing?" Which Lucien inexplicably translated into, "Bravo. Please continue."

"Now, as to why this man died, I suspect the fact that he was sixty-nine years old, diabetic, had been discharged from hospital following the surgical amputation of three toes on his left foot the week prior, refused to stop drinking and was, in fact, found in his bed surrounded by several empty whiskey bottles, can tell us everything we need to know without an autopsy. "

Alice could hear Munro's teeth grinding together. Lucien looked positively beatific.

"The bedroom window was broken – "

" – because the district nurse broke it when Mr Jenkins did not come to the door. It was the only way she could get into the house. Chwen."

Please, God, send an earthquake right now. "Dr Blake, shall we continue?" Alice tried to keep the pleading note out of her voice.

"Oh, I don't think so, Alice. Go Hwong Tong. Cause of death is quite apparent: diabetic coma brought on by hypoglycemia induced by excessive alcohol intake. I believe his medical records can be found with the district nurse, his surgeon Dr Nicholson, and his personal physician Dr King. Had the investigating officer bothered to check the notes, he would have immediately seen that this was not a case for the coroner, but the undertaker." He shot a look at Munro. Blake's smile was still in place, but it had taken on a slightly sinister quality of its own. He would not back down from Munro, not here.

The Chief Superintendent had the sense to retreat. "Then I will postpone the autopsy until I've had a chance to review the records myself, Doctor. In the meantime, I expect you to furnish me with a complete report of your opinions." Blake made to open his mouth. "Your medical opinions," Munro clarified. Lucien shut his mouth.

"Very good, William. I shall." Lucien was grinning. "Chui Se." The greeting was lost on the Chief Superintendent as he marched out of the morgue. Lucien turned back to Alice, who had remained rooted to the spot.

"What?" He tried and failed to look innocent.

"Frog-humping son of a bitch? Are you insane?" Alice would have laughed at the shocked look on Blake's face if she wasn't so horrified. "You know he's investigating you, and you just hand him ammunition, Chwen."

"How did you - ?" Lucien was not entirely unaccustomed to being called a dumbass, just not in Mandarin by his Australian female morgue buddy.

"Oh, for God's sake, Lucien. Everyone learns the 'bad words' first." Now Alice really did smile. It wasn't often she got the drop on someone. "Summer job, chemist from Beijing." She added by way of explanation.

"Why Alice Harvey, you are a woman of hidden talents." Lucien grinned.

"Yes, well, you better hope I don't tell your housekeeper. I understand Jean runs a proper home," Alice smirked, feeling the tension ease from her body.

Lucien looked smug. "It was Jean's idea."

"Jean? She told you to swear at Munro in Chinese?"

"Well, not quite. She suggested I find a different way to communicate with him, before I got sacked."

Alice shook her head in amused exasperation. Only Blake would interpret advice in that manner. Lucien rubbed his just-washed hands together. "Now, I must go and type up that report for the Chief Superintendent. Don't worry, Dr Harvey," Lucien cut off her protest, "it will all be in perfectly proper English." He left the morgue whistling.

"See that it is, Băo Bèi," she muttered to the swinging door. Serenity had returned to her domain.

Xxxxx

Note: All the Mandarin I have ever learned (?), I got from watching Firefly. Absolutely no disrespect was intended as I tried to insert phrases into this fic, gleaned from several Firefly fan sites.

Frog-Humping Son of a Bitch - Qing Wah Cao De Liu Mang

Dumbass - Chwen

Enough of this nonsense - Go Hwong Tong

Go to hell - Chui Se

Sweetheart - Băo Bèi