Chapter 6

Out of My Head

Clint

I wish they'd let me go back out into the woods. District 10 is mostly flatlands, so I'm not used to the trees, but at least I can breathe out there.

In here, sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. I remember watching footage from the year Finnick became victor, and I remember the way he fed himself in the Arena was he pulled some fish from streams, and even though I hunted with Duke all the time and I was watching kids kill each other, I got upset when I saw the fish flopping around in Finnick's nets, suffocating slowly while they wriggled desperately, trying to get back to the water. When I stand on the deck and look down at the terrain below us and think about begging to be allowed to run free, I feel like those fish.

Maybe I only hate it so much because I tasted a little freedom. I was out in the woods with Gale and Kat, and I spent the first ten minutes not even trying to hunt – just feeling ground beneath my feet and drinking in the smell of trees and grass and everything green and beautiful. When we came to a little clearing, I set down the bow and arrows they gave me to hunt with (Kat still has my old bow), took a long run, and managed to do a cartwheel – the first one I'd done in years. Kat laughed. "What are you doing?" she asked, but she was smiling real bright.

"Just showing off for you," I answered. "Can you do that?"

"No – I don't think so," she answered, still smiling.

"I'll show you – it's easy once you just …"
"We're here to hunt," Gale said sharply. He hadn't said a word the whole time we'd been outside – I thought that was just his personality, but the smile slid off Kat's face so fast and her eyebrows furrowed and I knew it wasn't. I thought, Of course – there's a war going on and we're here to train and help with the ration situation, not act like total goofballs.

"Right, sorry …" I said quickly, and stepped past them to pick up my weapons. As I did, I leaned over to kiss Kat on the cheek, to apologize for embarrassing her in front of her hunting friend – and also to see if what I was already afraid of was the real reason for his anger. She let me kiss her but she kind of pulled away – I could feel the tension in her shoulders and her eyes darted to Gale. I don't even think she knew until that day he had feelings for her – but of course the whole time I'd been running through the woods scaring off game and enjoying my freedom, she'd been noticing his attitude. I didn't kiss her or try to hold hands or anything for the whole rest of the trip.

One good thing – I found out Beatee and Howard didn't fail on my new fingers. Cold and metal, and I don't know if I'll ever like them, but they get the job done – I don't have any trouble with shooting. I shot a bird through the eye from five hundred feet away on my first try – I took a very petty pleasure in outdoing Gale on that point. It might be the only thing I ever do better than him.

I believed Kat when she told me Gale wasn't why she didn't want to marry me, but I know that, if we get through this thing and she still doesn't want to marry me, she'll let me go … and when she does Gale will be there waiting.

I tell myself it'll be okay … I'll find some girl. Some girl will have me, surely … it's not like the girls at home know I killed the man who rescued me in a stupid frenzy. Kat's too good for me anyway. As she was leaving, I told her I was sorry for proposing, that I'll understand when all this is over if she walks away as soon as the cameras are off us …

There's the slam of a door and I realize I left it unlocked. "Get your boots on, we're going hunting!" Peeta's voice breaks into my pity party. I sit up on my bed, surprised, and take in the sight of him, and have to fight not to laugh. He's got this … get-up. It's denim pants and high boots up to his hips and a heavy jacket printed with a pattern like muted autumn leaves and this … hat. Oh, the hat. Floppy and fur-lined and … I don't even know.

"Um … hi," I say.

"Come on! I cleared it with the higher-ups – they want the meat as bad as everyone else. They said you still can't go alone, but I can go with you."
"Can you hunt?"

"No but I don't have to. I just have to watch you."

"I see," I say, and I'm very proud of myself for still not laughing. Then what he's saying sinks in – I get to go outside. "Then let's go!"

Half an hour later, we're in the woods. We'll never catch anything in a million years – Peeta's hilariously loud as he walks, but I don't have the heart to get onto him for it. The only animals brave enough to stay put are mockingjays – they must be everywhere now, considering how deep we are in the wilds. I see them flying around from tree to tree, and I smile and think of Kat's costume and code name. It's too bad I'm useless – we'd both have the bird theme. On a whim, I sing a few notes to them. They seem to like my song – they take a moment to consider it, then repeat the notes back to me. It's been so long since I've played with mockingjays – it's not like I was in a mood for it in the Arena or the last time I was in the woods with Kat and Gale – so I take full advantage of having attentive mockingjays who've probably never seen a person before. I start to sing them an old folk song, and when I pause, they wait a little bit to see if there's more, and then start to sing the notes back to me. "Do you want to try?" I ask, looking up at Peeta. To my surprise, he's almost in tears.

"No I uh … I can't sing," Peeta says, and looks away because he thinks I haven't seen his expression yet. "You've … you've never heard Katniss sing, have you?"
"No," I say, and I feel this stupid, irrational pang of jealousy. How is it I love her so much and I didn't even know she sings?
"She … doesn't like to. But her voice is so pretty the birds stop singing to listen." It sounds like hyperbole, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. The pang hits again – she shared this with Peeta, but not me. They may just be friends, but there's still a history there I can never share. I wonder if she'll ever sing for me.

Realizing we've crashed into terribly awkward territory, Peeta desperately searches for something to change the subject. "So … I know they used you in some propos …"
"For District 2. They figured it was worth a shot since I am apparently one of the few people ever to have a handful of good experiences with Peacekeepers, and I spared Drusa."

"Which … I have to ask why. Is it because you knew what … what was going to happen?" He carefully avoids mentioning Anthony, but I know. It only makes my skin crawl a little.
"Yeah … when Anthony had told me to take care of you and Spruce, I thought he thought the Capitol would go easy on us … but when he was trying to get us all in one place I knew he meant something else when he said there were different plans for us. And I didn't want to kill anyone unless I had to." I pause, looking around in vain. The animals are pretty easy pickings in some parts of the wild – no humans for them to learn to fear. Maybe one of them won't mind Peeta's stomping. "When I was little, I remember I always hated the Careers … until Duke won. I couldn't exactly hate them for being willing to kill when my brother had the highest body count of any single tribute ever, and I didn't hate him for it." Peeta nods sympathetically and puts a hand on my arm. I'm glad for it. "I remember Tack telling me about the training their kids go through, especially in 2, and I could never see them as anything but monstrous little kids after that. Drusa was just screaming at me to kill her, and all I saw was a little girl no one ever hugged, that got taught hitting and outright torture instead of sharing and playing nicely, who thought death was better than living with shame. If I had wanted to kill her at all before, I couldn't after that. Hell, I worried about killing Cato with that march back down to …" Anthony's trap. The images flash by all at once and my heart starts to race and my palms sweat. The fence, Brandy trapped inside, yelling to me that he hurt her, electricity coursing through my body, Cato fried on the fence, Stephen slapped in the face which I only saw on tape … I know he did it to rescue us but …

I struggle, as usual, to reconcile my dual images of Anthony Stark. The young rebel who helped save most of us, and the rapist who took Brandy's innocence in front of everyone watching at home, who bruised Kat's face in an incident I still don't know about. It upsets me so much, trying to figure out which, if either, is real, or if they both are, that I have to kneel down and think and stop my head spinning. "Oh … oh I'm so sorry, that was stupid, really stupid … I shouldn't have asked, I'm sorry," Peeta says quickly, and I hear the guilt in his voice. Dr. Samson has a series of questions he asks when I start getting confused, and I try to remember them to myself now. I'm surprised he didn't give them to Peeta before the trip … of course he probably thought we wouldn't talk or just talk about cakes or something. Or maybe he wants me to try to remember on my own. I force myself to breathe in and out real slow, and when I calm down enough I can practically hear Samson's voice.

"What did Brandy say to you when you were trying to figure out the fence?"

I could swear she just said he hurt her bad, but on the tape I've seen she just says he pulled her hair. I know she's got a condition that makes her act like someone way younger, but even if she didn't know about the facts of life, as it were, surely she'd be concerned about him doing things to her she didn't understand, probably more exactly because she didn't understand …

"Why would Anthony do something like that knowing there were cameras everywhere?"

I don't know … I don't know … I don't know …

"Clint, are you okay?" Peeta asks as he sits by me, and I know he's upset that he upset me, so I try to be as nice as I can but I still end up snapping.

"Hush, give me a second."

"What about the other tributes who were distasteful to the Capitol? What usually happened to them?"
Titus the cannibal, killed by an avalanche … Dahlia, who took ears as trophies, killed by a suspiciously well-timed lightning strike … two different rapists I can think of, Agrippa and the inappropriately named Sweet, killed by horrible rat things that seemed to mainly target him and a fire forcing him into an ambush by the Careers, respectively. All of those happened pretty quickly – Agrippa after only one incident (but what an incident it was).

It's not like the Gamemakers care about collateral damage – it would have been easy enough to flood Tony's cave or smoke him out with fire right as someone more powerful was passing by and kill him and Brandy at once … instead they gave him peace to build his thing …

"This is probably the most important one – does anything strike as unusual about the footage you were shown of Tony hurting Brandy?"

Yes. It's vivid and clear as day … but something about the footage is choppy and weird and … shiny …

And then I see it all again, me screaming like a madman and grabbing that gun, determined to kill Anthony for what I thought he did to Brandy and what I thought he tried to do to Kat … Coulson shoving him out of the way, eyes going glassy as the bullet I fired went through his throat just under the chin …

"I … Anthony didn't do anything to Brandy …" I say, and I almost choke on the words. Peeta looks pleasantly surprised – he breaks out in a big grin and his eyes light up.

"That's really good that you realize that, Clint …"

"I killed a good man for nothing," I say, getting to the point. "I was trying to kill someone who didn't even do anything and someone who rescued me, who went above and beyond the call of duty to help me, got in my way …" I start to sob uncontrollably, like I haven't done in a long time. "I wish he had just let me die … he'd still be here and I wouldn't be like this …"

"No don't … don't say that, it wasn't your fault … the thing is …"
"Oh? You're going to tell me how it is?" I snap, and I stand up. "Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it's like to have someone get in your brain and make you a monster?"
"No, I don't," Peeta says quickly. He takes a breath, and a moment to think about what he's going to say. "But I knew Phillip. Only for a couple of months, but that was enough to know that even if I could go back in time and warn him, he'd do it all over again. Only he'd try harder to keep Tony out of your room, or warn the doctors you were hijacked for sure. But if Tony still didn't listen he'd walk back in, because that's who he was. He would have died before he left you in that city, or left you to die of shock somewhere on the train. I don't know how long he had after, but that last moment wasn't filled with regret, at least not about saving you." Samson always tells me it's not my fault … it's different hearing from someone who knew Phillip, even if it wasn't for very long. Maybe it'll make a dent in the nightmares.

"Okay," I say after a while, just because I think I need to say something. I wipe my tears on my sleeve and stand up. "Let's uh … let's see if I can get something before we go back … just so they know we actually did something instead of just running around."

"Okay, yeah, that's a good idea, Clint," Peeta says sincerely, and jumps to his feet.

A few hours later, Peeta calls for a little hovercraft to take us back to the ship – I got a couple of rabbits and a squirrel. It's not much, but it will be protein for the thinnest inhabitants of what used to be District 12. "Are you talking to Samson today?"
"I talk to him every day," I say.

"Is it okay if I stay with you?"
"Sure. I don't mind." Everyone already knows my problems, so why not?

We drop off the rabbits and squirrel in the kitchen. Greasy Sae, the former inhabitant of District 12 and genius with unusual food sources that Kat introduced me too, is thrilled with the catch. "I thought they wouldn't let you go back out, young fella," she says with a smile.

"Not by myself … Peeta helped me," I answer.

"Thank you for that, Peeta – I'm glad someone has some sense around here."

"Do any of the Capitol traitors ever get mad when they realize what the meat actually is?" I ask, suddenly realizing most of the Capitol people I've known would balk at eating squirrel or feral dogs.

"I haven't found out yet – most of the meat is prioritized to the thin ones, and that's no one from the Capitol," she answers with a mischievous grin. "But if they do, we'll just enjoy the show."

"Hey, Peeta – do you know what happened to Marcellus Farber?" Peeta tenses up, and I know it's bad, and I just say, "Oh," and don't ask any more, but I can't be silent. "He … he kept Duke from killing himself, right after the Games. He stayed with us for a month after Duke came back … he helped us so much. I … was hoping he got out okay, or else that they were leaving him alone." Peeta nods. "I … I just want all this to be over."

"I know. Come on – let's go see your doctors."

My session today starts out typically enough – after asking if I'm really okay having Peeta there, Dr. Samson asks me how I'm doing, and I tell him honestly. Better than you might think, but worried about Kat.

Then something very unexpected happens. First, General Fury steps in. I stand up quickly and shake his hand, trying to look as much like an actual soldier as I can, and I get really nervous. "Would you feel better if I asked the general to wait outside?" Dr. Samson asks. It's funny, to think of the mild-mannered little man asking the general to do anything.

"No, I'm fine," I lie. Samson looks at me skeptically, but he goes on with his next question. "Would you like to see Brandy, Clint?"

"Yeah, of course," I say, as every nerve stings with an unidentifiable emotion. I think of what Lester said about her, and how on some deep, emotional level, I've always worried it might be true, even though I know intellectually it can't be. They've shown me footage of her, acting cute and unaffected by everything, and all that time I thought Anthony did something horrible to her and I was just glad she had recovered from it. Now I know better. Dr. Samson turns to the door. "Dr. Pym – you can bring Brandy in now," he calls through the door.

As soon as the door opens, Brandy runs to me and jumps in my lap. "Clint!" she cheers for me, and I hug her tight, trying very hard not to cry in front of the general. But it's such a joy, seeing her in person. If I can just see Stephen in person, up close, it will be amazing.

"You're okay!" I say before I can stop myself.

"Of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be okay?" she asks.

"Because … there was a guard in the Capitol who told me bad things happened to you." Her eyes go to my fingers, to the discomfort of everyone.

"Is that the sh …" she catches Pym's eye and corrects herself. "The poophead who cut off your fingers?" she asks, and everyone goes silent.

"I … they told you about that?"
"Not on purpose … I'm good at listening to grown-ups talk."

"Yeah. Yeah it was the same guy," I say, and the fact I manage to keep my cool after Lester was mentioned is huge progress for me.

"He's a meanie. I hope Katniss kills him for you." I have no idea what to say to that. "But nothing bad happened to me. Is that guard the one who made you think Tony made me do bad things with him?" I look around to the other adults – they look as surprised as me, so I'm guessing no one was supposed to tell her any of this. "Tony pulled my hair and he slapped me but he had to be a jerk so the Gamemakers wouldn't get suspicious before Phillip and the other rebels got there to get us out."

"I know that now, Brandy … they had video they edited so it looked like he … so it looked like he …" If he didn't do anything, should I even mention it to her? I don't know what luck anyone's had with explaining that aspect of life to her.
"Tried to make babies grow in me?" Yeah, let's go with that. "Tony always worries people will think that when I sleep with him but …" The certainty I had managed to grasp today slips away in an instant.

"You … you sleep with him?" I ask, and I hate everyone on this ship for letting this happen.

"Only sometimes … he turns his back so it doesn't look like …"

"But you … You sleep in his bed? Why?"
"We slept together in the Arena, he didn't want me to but I slept by him because it was cold and I was lonely …"

"She did the same with you on the train, Clint," Dr. Samson reminds me gently. I take a deep breath. He's right – there's nothing wrong with it, I let her sleep with me too. That's probably what gave the Capitol the idea for how to poison me against him – because they're so dirty-minded they think that …

"He makes me feel safe, because he saved us." That's true – that's understandable. She folds her hands in her lap, and looks down, ashamed, and the sense of dread comes back. Is she being coached to lie to me?! "I … I like to pretend he's my husband …" she says sheepishly, and starts to cry.

"What do you mean, Brandy?" I ask, and I come out of my seat to kneel in front of her.

"I … Because I'll never have a husband, so I pretend that Tony is …"
"Why? Why won't you ever have a husband?" The only thing I can think is that she thinks she's damaged goods, that no one will want her because she's not a virgin, which can only be because of Anthony. She doesn't even know what to call it …

"Because I'm too stupid … my own daddy said that I was too stupid to have a husband … so Tony's close enough …"

"You … Did you know about this?!" I ask, looking up at Pym, and he turns red and he looks like a deer in the headlights.

"I didn't know she thought that …"

"But you knew she was sleeping in his bed? What kind of idiot are you? How could you let this happen?" I ask, my voice rising, and I'm on my feet.

"Clint … Clint …" Dr. Samson says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Did you know?!" I demand.

"I did not," he says genuinely, and I breathe a little easier. He sighs wearily. "I wish that I had …"
"So now you know! It's not just me! He's … he takes advantage of her because …"
"No he doesn't! I love him!" Brandy shrieks. "I love him more than anything, don't say bad things about him …"

"Because she's little and she doesn't know …"
"He doesn't! I wish he would!" Brandy shrieks.

"Don't say that, Brandy …" Pym cuts in. "You don't know what you're sa …"
"Yes I do. You think I don't know. But I want him … and he thinks I'm just a stupid little girl." He's got her so messed up in the head … I was right all along … I wish Phillip had known, he wouldn't have let any of this happen … Tony would have been in the brig instead of there in my room … Why am I such an idiot I fired too late and missed blowing his brains out?

"Brandy, I think I need to talk to you and Dr. Pym later – you two should go …"
"He didn't do anything with me, Clint … even though I wanted him to …" Maybe he didn't … maybe he was just grooming her for it, making her all messed up and crazy about him. But how would the Capitol know that? They wouldn't, would they? If I hadn't seen that footage, would I think anything of a lonely little girl sleeping next to a boy who made her feel safe? Even if she happened to have a crush on him? But …. But … That footage … That … He kept her … He …

I'm on my knees on the floor, holding my head, trying to think of the questions. "As you can see General … I think we have some work to do," Dr. Samson says over my head, then kneels by me to put a hand on my back.

"Clint – do you remember the questions?" Yes … something about … what she said to me when I saw her for the first time … he knew there were cameras …

"Did … did you watch the Games here?"
"Yes, Clint, we did." He would tell me if Tony had hurt her … wouldn't he?

"Damn it, Clint, you knew better just a few hours ago," Peeta says sharply as he kneels by me. "I don't know what you did – but you talked yourself through it." I know I did, and I try to hold onto it, try to find that certainty. "Clint – she's just lonely and sad. Her own father told her she's worthless. If I thought Tony was taking advantage of her … I'd be first in line to have him thrown off this ship or into the brig." I try to hold onto that – Peeta is my ally, he's a good guy, he wouldn't want this little girl to get raped if he could help it. Come on, Clint … pull it together … that footage was faked, it had to be … but how could it be? It was too graphic to be faked! But you were hijacked … who knows what they did to your mind … didn't you and Spruce both laugh at it at first? Spruce would never laugh at a little girl getting raped if it looked at all real … you wouldn't laugh at a little girl getting raped … But is that a real memory or a paranoid nightmare?

I get to my feet, as confused as ever but calm now, at peace with my confusion. Or more than I was, anyway.

"I have one question for you, Mr. Barton," the general asks me, and it's the first time I remember he's here since Brandy said she pretends Tony is her husband … whatever she means by that. I turn red but force myself to stand up straight and look him in the eye.

"Yes sir?" I ask respectfully.

"If Tony Stark walked in this door, right at this moment, what would you do?" I try to imagine that.

"I wouldn't be happy to see him, sir," I say flatly.

"I didn't ask how you'd feel. I asked what you'd do."
"I … I don't know. I don't think … I don't think I'd try to kill him again." But I imagine the rage surging through my veins – I still remember that terribly vividly – and I don't know if I can really say that. "But I don't know for sure."

"I was afraid of that." He turns to leave, and I have to speak.

"General, please … don't keep me out of the field. I know you can't put me with Tony but … I can't sit here, at base, while Kat is out there. While Spruce is – he's been through everything I have, I've got no excuse. While Stephen is out there – he's just a boy. And even Duke …" Duke, Haymitch, Johanna, Finnick and some of the other victors have their unit too … we jokingly call them the Avengers' senior division. "I can't let a boy, and someone who's already been through hell, and my brother and my fiancée fight this war without me. I can't." He looks me over for a long time, studying me.

"If your doctor clears it, you can make a few visits to District 10, maybe 11. As long as you stay behind the lines, and if, by chance, you hear Tony Stark will be anywhere near you, you clear out."

"Yes sir," I say, not believing my luck.

"One other condition."

"Of course, anything!" He turns to Peeta.

"Mellark? You ready for the field?" Peeta stands there for a while, stunned. Then he nods, stands up and shakes the general's hand.

We're going to war.