Yuki's POV

All the pain I feel…It's just too much. Every second it grows bigger and bigger….

I wish I was dead.

But I don't want to die.

I feel fear.

I feel so desperate.

What do I do?

Where to go?

Should I take my razor and cut my arteries?

Or should I handle all of this like a man?

My novel is almost done. It's gonna go on sale in about two days.

Public eyes are all looking at me.

What do they expect?

A miracle?!

All I want is to be loved.

I miss Shuichi.

And my PTSD is getting worse.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost.

Mika and Tohma got divorced because of that red headed little slut.

That Hiroshi guy…

I've recently found out that my brat is living with him.

It is quite possible they're screwing. It would be no wonder.

Ex lovers…And now they're together again.

And how to go and tell him I was sorry? How should I explain to him how much I'm screwed up and it has nothing to do with him? How to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that everything was happening in my messed up mind?

Would he believe me?

Or would I just wake his rage?

I slowly walk to the kitchen. I'm too weak. I'm collapsing more often now. It's because I don't eat. What a pathetic and lousy man I have become! I'm so disgusting to myself!

I'm afraid to sleep. I dream apocalypse. Every time, the four riders come and fetch me.

First rider that fetches me is hunger.

That's because I'm so hungry in reality. Yet I can't make myself eat.

Then there comes war and I see horrible images of dead people.

Later, plague, the third rider, enters my body.

I feel weak. I feel fever.

And in the end, the fourth one, death, comes to take my life.

I wake up every time I see the death.

I wish to dream a little longer.

--

Shuichi's POV

Fame. Isn't that what all of us want? To be adored, to be rich, to have everything.

But I know that our wishes are wrong.

I want to be loved. I want to be held tightly into somebody's embrace. I want to feel happy and safe.

I want to go to Yuki and forgive him. I want to start all over again.

I want to leave the band, to leave singing.

I can't sing if I don't have my inspiration. Without Yuki, I'm just one half of the whole.

I despise his fame and my fame. I'd love if Kitazawa could be brought back to life, so I could kill him again, in front of Yuki's eyes.

I want to kill all of his fears. I want to make him happy. But he shooed me away. He killed me.

All I have…they're only wishes.

I feel so dead. I feel so empty.

Hiro and I...

I feel so dirty. After Yuki shooed me away, I ran straight into Hiro's arms, sat on his cock many times that night, like I had nothing to do with my blonde.

I feel so awful.

I still sleep in Hiro's bed, but we don't make love. We just share the warmth we'd rather share with the ones whom we gave our hearts.

Tohma keeps calling every day. He knows for me and Hiro. Yet he doesn't dare to tell that to Eiri.

--

Tohma's POV

It would kill him. He loves that brat. He adores him, I can see in his eyes.

It's enough that it killed me. My Hiro…He had never been truly mine.

I was the one who screwed up. For the first time in my life I feel human feelings. I feel guilt. I feel love.

I wish I showed Hiro how much I loved him. I still love him.

And he…

How can I carry on after this?

Is it possible that I'm that pathetic?

I'm still walking through this park, every time I want to clear my thoughts. Maybe this was God's way to punish me for making Shuichi's life miserable. Now he's making mine.

Somewhere deep inside, I know it was all wrong from the beginning. It was my messed up mind, my sick mind, that was separating Shuichi and Eiri. I insisted on them being separated that I forgot what happiness really was.

And finally, it slipped through my hands when I finally found it.

Hiroshi…

Flashback

He was kissing my temples countless times, then his lips kissed the tip of my nose. It was sweet. It was so cute. I looked at him, at his big blue eyes, in surprise, and he smiled. He helped me get up from the floor.

I tripped and fell and he was there to help me up. He kissed my temples. He kissed my nose.

When I was finally up, he was still looking at me. I recognized the smile on his face. His lips were making such a perfect curve of happiness. The smile was dancing on his face.

"I hope you're alright, Mr. Seguchi." he said, becoming formal again.

But the warmth of his lips never stopped burning places where they touched me.

When I tripped, he ran straight to me, thinking I hurt my head. I let him be. And he kissed me in worry.

I smiled at that small recalling.

"Yes, I'm fine." I replied. Deep inside, I wanted to destroy my entire face, so he could kiss all those places in order to heal my wounds.

I didn't know what was happening to me. And then I realized with terror. He infected me with romance.

End flashback

Recalling is a silent killer, yet I keep recalling.

--

Hiro's POV

I woke up this morning, but Shuichi wasn't there. He was out. Strangely, I was glad.

What we had done then-it was wrong. Yet sometimes you need to so stupid things.

I hate this loneliness. I could be with hundred people in the same room, and I'd still feel lonely. They could all talk to me, entertaining me, loving me-but I'd still be lonely.

I don't know how to explain that. Maybe I've found the person that could start my engines. His spell is unique. I just look at those eyes and I'm his forever.

Yet he had smarter things to do. He loved Mika, he loved Yuki. He never loved me. I was just temporary solution for his sexual desires.

But it hadn't been sex all the time. There was depth, although I knew he was pretending.

Flashback

"Yes, I'm fine" he replied. He was looking at me for a long time, then he turned and left the studio.

He tripped over something and I felt the urge to help him, save him, heal him. I was worried sick, didn't know what to do. It was on impulse, I just found my lips on his face, kissing his temples. And nose.

But he never protested. I was scared. I was grateful. He was smiling at me. I felt relief. But I was feeling desperate to touch him again.

I don't know how it started, my fascination with Tohma. He was cute enough and it was somehow easy to fall for him.

End flashback

And I'm still falling. I'm falling into deep abyss.

I hear the doorbell. I know it's him. He comes every day, to bug me until I give in once again. But how can I?

I dress up quickly and run to the door. I'm excited I'll see him, but I'm broken by his cruelty. His possessiveness over Yuki killed me. I don't know if he's worth another shot.

"Hiro." he's looking at me anxiously. "Please let's talk."

I adore him. I adore that silly hat he wears. I adore his sense for fashion. His extravagancy. I adore Tohma.

I let him in for the first time. I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake.

He sits on the couch, still looking at me. His eyes are cutting through my skin. I want to fuck him. I want to die.

"What do you want?" I'm not managing to hide hurt in my voice. He knows I'm broken.

Words were never easy to be found.

"I just want to…" he stands up, approaches me. He's running his long fingers through my hair. He licks his lips. He's hesitant. Seguchi Tohma is never hesitant. "…touch your face." He caresses my cheek and I'm letting him be.

"I just want to…" his voice is husky, his eyes are sad. "..hold you." he wants to hug me, yet I deny him.

"This isn't talk. You won't drag me in bed again." But I want to be dragged wherever he wants to drag me. I want to be his dog again.

"Please punch me." he begs, I see desperation in his eyes. He was breaking in front of me. "Beat me to death." he begs.

I do so. I punch his angelic face, beneath which is one awful devil. But I can't beat him to death. I hug him.

"Why, Tohma?! Why me?" I was sobbing.

He hugs me back.

"Please tell me why…"

But he remains silent.

"I was wrong…I was…" but he cannot say a word more.

He kisses me fiercely. I can't resist. I want to, but I can't. I need his closeness, I need his touch. I…love him. He's my entity. He's my destruction.

He pushes me towards the bedroom. I obey.

He pushes me on the bed gently.

My hair spreads over the white pillow.

He undresses me.

He penetrates me.

He moans my name.

I moan his.

I say him I love him.

He cries on my shoulder.

I tell him to go.

He goes.

I can't stand him near me, not after sex.

Not after another cheap bedding.

I hate myself.

I'm confused.

I'm lost in this madness.

I wish I was dead.

--

AN: You know what to do if you want me to continue.