AN: Since my spare time is slowly coming to its end, I decided to make a special gift to you in a form of an early updated 12th chapter.
Enjoy!
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Shuichi's POV
I'm fading into darkness, somewhere where I can no longer see the real things. I can't feel my senses, I feel so numb. It's too cold for me, to live a life like this, among people whose smiles and offers of friendship are fake. Their artificial hearts are beating for fame, for their five minutes of glory.
They think I'm happy under the spotlight, standing there alone, singing the song I mean, but to the wrong people. All of them think I'm happy. But that's only my mask. It's a trick that I must use in order to sell my CDs.
It's a dirty business and I know that. I'm starting to forget why I am here in the first place, with Hiro and Suguru.
All of a sudden, I don't feel thrilled when I come to the stage and start my performance. Everything had lost its magic.
It used to be music, the way it sends you to faraway places. It used to be the thrill of applauds that I could hear through the night, on the stage, standing before thousands of people.
It used to be nice falling in trance while singing and listening to the cries of my best friend's guitar.
But I've lost my senses, I've lost my magic.
All of it disappeared and there's only the truth.
This world is so cruel and unfair.
I can see gypsum faces all around me. I can hear meaningless words coming out of their mouth.
I can no longer see anything beside those amber eyes full of lust, love and sorrow.
It was so unreal, his touches, his dry laugh, his ironic remarks.
It was all about him, and I couldn't escape.
All the magic is gone now.
I broke the circle.
I set myself free at last.
Yet I feel like a prisoner.
I don't go out.
Hiroshi invites me, drags me sometimes out of the apartment.
But we reach nowhere because I toss myself, scream and cry. I beg him to let me go back to the apartment.
I embarrassed myself with my girlish hysteria. All of his neighbors now know that Shindou Shuichi is mama's son, a twenty-six year old baby that cries.
What was the purpose of all that fame, autographs, expensive cars and new apartments, contracts and all other wonders?
K had cancelled all of our concerts in Europe and America because I didn't want to sing.
It's been a month since I met Eiri at that restaurant.
And really, he obeyed me. He never called, never showed up.
Now I see that he never cared and I was absolutely right.
What's the purpose of having everything when the real treasure lies in the persons that we love the most?
I have my family and my friend Hiro. I have Ryuichi and Tatsuha. I have even Mika beside me. I love all of them, yet it seems it's not enough.
Something's missing.
It's still one of those days when you think that life is one sick joke.
Sometimes I think that that day had never passed.
It's still there, haunting me every time I open my eyes.
I'm sad and depressive.
I don't feel like moving my limbs, opening my eyes, breathing in the bitter air in Hiro's room. I refuse to open the window and let the fresh air in.
I simply refuse and I don't know why.
There is no particular reason, as well as there is no particular reason why we exist, love, hate, make love, and eat the damn junk food…
There is no sense in words, books, music…
And then, one time when Hiro forced me to go to the bathroom and take a long shower (because I began to stink), I understood what life was.
You see, life is just a simple way to kill time between birth and death.
That's all what life is.
That's why it's pointless. It serves only to fill the time between two inevitable things.
Events in life are random and illogical. It doesn't matter what's going on, as long as you live (or kill the damn time).
"Can you look into my eyes and say that you're one stupid bastard?"
"Just forget it!"
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Eiri's POV
I am an asshole. The biggest one and I'm proud of that.
What can I do when it had become the part of my personality years ago?
What can I do? I am what I am.
I see his suffer and I'm so proud of him. He'd been acting calm and he was all graceful in that restaurant.
I never wanted to bring him there with me because I was afraid he would make a scene.
And then, he had invited me there, and I was the one to make a scene.
Such an irony.
Shuichi has a big heart. He can love the entire world and wider.
You can never hate him.
You can only love him.
I love you.
I miss you.
But I don't deserve you.
Yet I'll never say that out loud.
"Where are you going? Aren't we supposed to have lunch?"
"Change of plans" Tohma says. I don't like his smirk.
"What do you mean?" I ask when we sit in his car.
"Sometimes you need to be pushed."
"Huh?!"
But I don't say anything in addition.
I see Nakano's building and I see that door.
Tohma smiles at the red head, but the guy acts cold.
He reminds me of me.
But there is a difference.
He is actually warm to all people except Tohma.
That's reasonable, taking their history into the account.
But that was long time ago.
I think that they're gonna find their happiness in the end.
Unlike Shuichi and I.
I snort at the thought.
They say that they're going out for lunch and they're leaving us alone to talk.
I hear Shuichi mutter something like: "You came" with that hopeful tone in his voice.
Then he frowns and says:
"Can you look into my eyes and say that you're one stupid bastard?"
I shake my head.
"Just forget it!" I say and storm out of the apartment, breaking his heart once again, although I never wanted that.
It just enraged me, that arrogance in his voice and his stupid request.
Like he doesn't know me.
Like he doesn't know my pride.
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AN: There you go! I hope you'll like it. :)
And please make sure to review!