Xander ate a third lunch with The Flash. "That hit the spot," Xander said. "Now all we need is some multivitamins and to scare someone."
The Flash flickered and tossed a bottle of prenatal vitamins he suddenly had to Xander. "Vitamins I get, but scare someone?"
"My symbiote feeds on fear, so scaring someone is a regular event. We're not talking trauma, but a little more than just jumping out of a closet and yelling BOO," Xander explained. "For instance an exciting roller coaster ride with a dozen people is very filling."
"How do you feel about pranks?" The Flash asked with a grin.
*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*
He awoke naked, with blood in his mouth, but the sun was rising so he was at least a little optimistic.
"Daniel," a female voice called out.
Turning, he froze for a moment in shock. "Granny, what big-"
"Let's just leave it at that," his aunt Linda interrupted, amused and... naked.
Oz scratched himself and considered what question to ask first.
"An explosion killed you, but since no silver was involved it was only temporary. We switched the toe tags with an unrisen fledge, so the coroner arranged same day burial with no autopsy. Your new name is Daniel Oswald Osborn. You are your own cousin legally," she explained waving for him to follow her.
"Blood and naked?" he asked.
"We're werewolves, we always wake up naked, it's one more reason we run ranches or take jobs as forest rangers. The blood is from one of the sheep we set loose so we aren't tempted to look elsewhere for prey."
"Suddenly, a lot of things about our family make sense," Oz said.
"Our lack of tears at most funerals and the way we are so picky about our mates?" she asked knowingly.
"Yeah," he agreed. "Not sure I get the unconcern when I was bit and moving free though."
"We aren't human," Linda said, stopping to explain. "Lycanthropy isn't a disease or a curse. If Jordy had bit anyone else, nothing would have happened, because if it was that easy to spread we'd be up to our ass in werewolves from people catching it by kissing. No, Lycanthropy is easy to activate only if you are descended from Lycanthropes. We didn't find out you had changed until you called and... each person is allowed to make their own choice about how they handle it. Most of us choose a quiet life away from people."
They resumed walking.
"I'm surprised you don't have higher fences," he said as they reached the dirt road that lead to the house from the back forty.
"Humans are curious animals," Linda said, "build a fence to keep them out and they'll kill themselves to get in. Best to put up decent fences and warning signs and let things sort themselves out."
"So... we eat people?" Oz asked.
"Not if we can avoid it and unless starved and trapped with nothing else to eat, we can avoid it," she assured him. "We chose lands with a decent amount of safe acres for farming and or cattle, along with rather large portions of acres that are dangerous to humans to keep them out. Idiots that trespass are more likely to get bitten by a rattlesnake or a rabid possum than a werewolf. Nevertheless you will probably end up injuring or killing at least one human in your lifetime because nothing is fool proof and there are a god awful amount of fools."
"That's kinda callous," Oz noted.
"Before I met your uncle I had a dozen acres in Kansas," she explained. "It was enough to give me some elbow room and I arranged it so the local river flowed around my property, I even installed an eight foot electrical fence on top of that."
"And?" he asked a couple of minutes had passed.
"I had a god damned moat! And people still got in. One was a hunter, two were suspected murderer's, and the last one was a love sick fool who tricked me into biting him."
"My uncle?"
"Yep. Fortunately his grandmother turned out to be a Lycanthrope. I went through years of therapy just to be able to accept the fact that I wasn't responsible for their actions, I was only responsible for my own and that I had taken more than adequate precautions."
Oz put a hand on his aunt's shoulder and turned her to face him. "I agree," he said.
Linda wrapped her nephew in a tight hug, obviously still a little upset over past events. "You're poking me," she said after a minute, amusement clear in her tone.
"Sorry, reflex," he replied letting her go so they could continue the walk to the house.
"There are ways to control it, though there is some danger," Linda offered.
"I was thinking cold shower," he replied.
She laughed. "I meant the change."
*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*
The Question and The Huntress opened the door to his office only to see the back of a grey suited man going through his desk.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my files?" The Question demanded.
The man didn't even look up, just waved a hand behind him sending a handful of red tape that missed The Question but taped The Huntress to the wall. The Question rushed forward and spun the man around, only to stumble back in surprise as he saw a completely featureless face, a perfect match for his own.
"What the?" The Huntress stopped struggling to get free as she stared in open mouthed shock.
"Who are you?" The Question demanded.
"I'm... The Faceless Bureaucrat," he replied. "For every fact you uncover I conceal five! Every conspiracy you expose, I spin to make the public ridicule it. It is my mission to tidy up all the loose ends and today that loose end happens to be you!"
The two started battling, The Faceless Bureaucrat always just a little too fast and strong for The Question to handle. After a minute The Faceless Bureaucrat sighed and just stood there blocking everything thrown at him with one hand. "This just isn't working for us," The Faceless Bureaucrat said. "We feed off of fear not righteous anger."
"What?" the heroes chorused.
The Faceless Bureaucrats' features and outfit morphed into Xander's invisible man outfit. "Since we got knocked up we need to feed more than usual and the emotion we metabolize best is fear. This prank has not worked nearly so well as we had hoped."
"It was mildly entertaining at least," The Flash said, appearing out of nowhere. "I'm going to go locate Green Arrow, I'll meet you in the cafeteria." He vanished in a blur of speed.
"No harm, no foul?" Xander asked.
"You glued Huntress spread eagle to my wall," The Question replied dryly.
"Yeah," The Huntress agreed slowly, eying The Question.
"How, do I dissolve the... red tape you used?" he asked examining her bindings and completely missing the looks she was giving him.
"They'll dissolve in ten minutes," Xander replied.
"Really?" The Huntress asked with a frown.
Xander raised his hands.
* Thwip! Thwip! *
"We mean one hour and ten minutes," Xander corrected himself, having added a layer of webbing.
"Why did you do that for?" The Question asked annoyed.
"We can take it from here," The Huntress said.
"But... I'm missing something obvious, aren't I?" The Question asked.
Xander used the door behind him and added a bit of webbing to prevent anyone interrupting them for the next hour.
"What did you just do?" Supergirl demanded before turning her x-ray vision on the room and turning bright red. She quickly shut her eyes as she almost activated her heat vision.
"Would you mind helping us with a prank?" Xander asked.
"Pardon?" Kara asked confused by the sudden switch in topics.
"We're pranking Green Arrow and we need someone who can pretend to be turned into a yuppie when hit with a mind control ray," he explained.
"I'm listening," Kara said before blinking heavily as she heard what the two off duty heroes were doing. "I mean – Let's go do that!"
*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*
Xander and The Flash beamed down to the front door of the Titan's Tower, Xander back in his Claude Rains form.
"Let me do the talking," The Flash said, knocking on the door.
"Come in," Beast Boy said instantly, when he opened the door and saw who it was. "So you're the guy, Star knocked up?" he asked as he lead them into the living room.
"Beast Boy!" Raven growled as Star blushed bright red.
"What? It's a fair question," he defended himself.
"Yep, my friend here has her bun in his oven," The Flash replied tactlessly.
"Not quite," Xander said amused.
"You find this funny?" Raven asked surprised.
"Very," Xander agreed. "The human part of me isn't pregnant."
"Human part?" the teens chorused.
"Yeah," Xander agreed. "We're going to need a projector, a blackboard, and possibly some dolls."
"You're going to give us a sex-ed lesson?" Robin guessed.
"Not quite," Xander said. "This was reproduction without sex."
"Really?" Robin said perking up.
"Truly?" Star asked hopefully.
"Emm, you don't recall?" Raven asked.
"I remember comfort and bad feelings draining away, which lead to a moment of joy, then sleep," Star explained. "There was flesh on flesh contact as well."
"Yes, we both sleep naked, kinda," Xander said. "We'll try to sum it up quickly. Our skin is covered by a symbiotic life form, so the claim can be made that we're naked all the time. Now, my symbiote half feeds on emotional energy so..."
"So Star's people have emotionally powered abilities, meaning while sleeping it ate her sadness," Robin theorized.
"Which made her very happy," Xander explained. "Normally we aren't... flooded with emotional energy like that. We were not prepared for it."
"And the baby?" Star asked.
"The baby symbiote will bud off us in a manner of days," Xander said. "The little one will need to bond with a compatible being."
"Bond?" Star asked.
"Symbiotes bond with a person giving them access to a wide range of skills and abilities," Xander explained. "Enhanced strength, speed, agility, flexibility, healing, webbing, danger sense - "
"Spider-Man!" Beast Boy interrupted. "It gives you the powers of Spider-Man? Why does that sound familiar?"
"Because he is Spider-Man," The Flash replied as Xander's outfit morphed into the familiar black and white.
"We are a comic book here," Xander said, "but there are realities where we are not."
"Dude, didn't the symbiote turn evil?" Beast Boy demanded.
"A symbiote bonds with one person fully," Xander explained. "Being rejected or torn away can drive them insane. Fortunately the return of their bondmate restores them."
"So you're..." Beast Boy asked excitedly.
Xander allowed the mask to recede from his face for a moment to show his burned countenance. "We are, but we were burned badly in an explosion and are still healing." His mask flowed back up to cover his face.
"It can heal that?" Robin asked, having seen bone in a few places.
"Yes, but it takes time and a lot of food," Xander replied.
"What kind of bondmate will our child desire?" Star asked curiously.
"It will not care, but we would like for it to be someone intelligent and heroic who will value them," Xander replied, recalling comics where the symbiote's children had been on both sides of the line.
"You are hiding something," Raven announced.
"Many things," Xander agreed easily. "Are we all going to reveal our secrets here? If everyone else will, we will."
"I sense some reluctance, but you are being honest about it," Raven admitted.
"Is there anything we should know?" Robin asked, knowing they all had secrets they were entitled to keep.
"Tons," Xander said bluntly. "We hold knowledge wonderful and terrible that as guardians of a city you should be aware of."
Cyborg laughed. "A little too open ended there. Do you have any specific knowledge that pertains to us presently that we would desire to know?"
"Maybe," Xander said. "We can't think of anything time sensitive off the top of our heads for instance, but we probably know much that you would desire to know if you knew we knew."
"Truth," Raven said amused.
"Huh?" Beast Boy asked.
"Means no," Xander quoted imitating Buttercup's voice from the Princess Bride exactly.
Beast Boy laughed. "Cool imitation."
"We can imitate looks, sounds, turn invisible, see three hundred and sixty degrees around us, and just about a thousand other things," Xander finished.
"Welcome to the Titans," Robin said offering his hand.
Xander shook his hand. "We weren't trying to join, but this does solve most, if not all, of our current problems."
"And I didn't have to say, much at all," The Flash said with a grin before touching a finger to his ear and listening to something. "Oops, gotta go!" He vanished in a blur of speed.
"Can we take photos with you pretending you're bunch of different people?" Beast Boy asked.
"Only if some of them are completely tasteless and make the viewer doubt their sanity," Xander replied.
"Like what?" Cyborg asked.
"First picture Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as a Terminator leaning against the Delorian from Back to the Future."
"Yeah," Beast Boy agreed, "and the second picture?"
"Grassy knoll in Texas with a sniper rifle," Xander finished.
"That would drive the conspiracy freaks nuts!" Cyborg exclaimed with a laugh. "I'll get the green screen ready!"
Typed by: Maltor