AN: Thank you to everyone reviewing and following this story. It really means the world to me and I'm so glad you're all enjoying it.
Good news, I have internet at home again YAY! That means more frequent updates. I'm ill at the moment and laid up in bed and so when I'm not asleep because I'm exhausted from sickness I'll be writing.
I hope you enjoy this chapter, I hope you do. Don't forget to leave your thoughts in the box at the bottom of the page. Remember reviews equal motivation and motivation means more chapters...
Previously...
Finally Johanna spoke but her question through me completely. "Are you in love Finnick?"
I frowned, opened and closed my mouth while words evaded me. My uncertainty was one of the things I needed help with, I needed someone to explain to me, help me understand what I felt for Finnick.
"I don't think so, I love him but I don't think I'minlove with him," I said slowly, unsure of my own words, my own thoughts and feelings. I was a mess! "I don't know how I feel," I finally said huffing dramatically while throwing my arms up in the air, which was equally dramatic.
Johanna smiled, "then don't worry about it."
I frowned and stared at her with uncertainty. "That's your advice?"
She shrugged but sighed when she saw that I wasn't going to let it go.
"You're confused; all this is new to you. You're bound to feel attached to Finnick and confused about how you feel about him. In time, if you still feel the same, then you should talk to him about it but for now," she paused taking a breath. She reached out and uncharacteristically took hold of my hand. "You need to concentrate on what's to come. You need to learn how to be please the Capitol men; you need to become the perfect courtesan."
I sighed, it made sense but there was a part of me that knew that I couldn't just pretend what had happened with Finnick hadn't happened. It was etched into my memory, his touches burned onto my skin. I had a feeling that in time I would still be as confused as I was then about the one and only Finnick Odair.
Possession
Eight
"They know you don't want to be there," Finnick said, his voice low and filled with authority. "They know they've paid you, that you're doing a job." He sat in front of me, his eyes boring into mine while his proximity had me fighting to concentrate on his words.
"It's your job to make them believe that despite everything your starting to enjoy yourself, that he's reaching something inside of you, making you want him. You have to make them feel special, that there the only one that can reach that part of you, that they can bring you pleasure like no other man can."
There was something about Finnick's voice that captivated me, it always had. It was the combination of the rough and the soft, the way his tone touched some part of me which compelled me to listen and obey. I would have been a dangerous thing if not for the fact that I knew Finnick would never ask me to do something I didn't want to do.
"I thought you were teaching me how to please a man," I began to question. "Not how to act like a man is pleasing me!" I was confused; maybe it was naivety that had me confused.
I may have slept with Finnick but that didn't mean I instantly knew what men wanted or what I had to do. No, he still had to teach me all of that and so with yesterday's 'glitch' in our lessons behind us I didn't let myself think about my confused feelings for him or the way his skin felt against mine. I concentrated instead on what I had to do, what I had to learn, what I had to become.
"The greatest pleasure a man can know, is knowing he is pleasing a woman," Finnick began with a small smile. "Knowing your pleasing a woman does wonders for a man's ego," with that he winked and I had no doubt he was thinking about his name falling from my lips, travelling on a scream of pleasure.
I blushed and looked away from him. I couldn't let myself be distracted. I wouldn't!
"I want you to moan," Finnick suddenly said. There was no humour in his voice, no room for any doubt. He wasn't joking... but I laughed anyway. Nervous laughter had become a common occurrence for me around Finnick.
"What!" I said once I had stopped laughing.
"I want you to moan," he repeated. "You're going to have to fake most of the pleasure; a convincing moan is a must."
I stared at him my jaw slack and my eyes wide. I was flabbergasted and well, nervous! I remember the moans that had fallen from my lips only the day before with Finnick bringing me pleasure. I couldn't replicate that convincingly, could I? I wasn't a good liar or actress. That's why you're being taught!
I exhaled loudly to announce my discomfort –which really didn't need announcing, it was fairly obvious- but I closed my eyes and composed myself. I wouldn't let my nerves win, I would do what had to be done... for my family. For those I loved.
The noise that fell from my lips however was not one of pleasure but more of pain. I cringed and dared to look at Finnick, he was suppressing laughter and to that I scowled though I was fighting my own smile. The groan of what could only be described as agony that had fallen from my lips was rather comical and worrying at the same time. I didn't have long to learn now, soon I would be at the mercy of the capitol men. I needed to be ready.
"Try again," Finnick said softly after composing himself.
The second was just as bad. There was no pleasure fake or not, in the noises I was making. I peeked up at Finnick once more, embarrassed. I didn't know what was more embarrassing, not being able to fake a moan in front of him or actually moaning in front of him.
"Would you rather Johanna here than me?" he asked after the second fail attempt, obviously sensing my nervousness.
My eyes flew open, "No," I all but screamed. I lowered my head and tried again, trying not to sound so desperate. "No, I can do this," I steeled myself. "I have to do this."
"Lose yourself in a memory," Finnick's voice was low, soothing and calming. "Something that brought you a pleasure you could have never imagined." He knew that the only pleasure I had ever known was from him and though the thought made me blush I took myself back to the day before.
The way his kisses felt upon my skin, the way his fingers danced over my bare flesh and the way he felt as he moved inside me and how the wave of unfamiliar pleasure had washed through me making my toes curl and my mind to burst into a picture of light...
"Let the memory consume you..."
It consumed me. I remembered the way it felt, the way he smelt, the noises that had left each of us and the sounds of flesh hitting flesh in a sensual dance...
The moan that fell from my lips while sitting crossed legged opposite Finnick was one of pure pleasure brought by only the memory of my time with Finnick. It was low, guttural and drawn out. I kept my eyes closed even once I had finished, I didn't dare look at him but it wasn't from embarrassment but instead need. I knew that if I opened my eyes I would want him, need him.
"Good," he finally whispered. His voice was low and hoarse and I could only imagine that his sea-green eyes were darker. I could hear the desire in his voice. I had hit a hit a chord within him, maybe even brought back his own memory of the day before.
"Again" he said slowly.
And so I did it, again and again until it became second nature, like talking or using a bow and arrow. I knew, as long as I remembered the day by the lake I would always be able to find the way to voice pleasure without even feeling it. It was odd but it was also reassuring. I needed to be convincing otherwise there was no telling what President Snow would do to those I cared about.
After what seemed like days I finally opened my eyes. Finnick was staring at me and I had been right, his eyes were darker and filled with desire. It was exciting and unfamiliar to elect that emotion in a man but I accepted it, it was different but not unpleasant to know I could affect the opposite sex in such a way and it was almost a compliment that I could make Finnick Odair feel that way.
"So," I said quietly, "was that better?"
He sat in a daze for a moment longer before chuckling. "I knew, once you got the hang of all this you would be a natural Miss Everdeen."
I didn't know whether to take that comment as a compliment or not so I settled for saying nothing.
"You're not just the girl on fire," he said. "You bring out a fire in people, one that isn't easily sated," his words seemed to have another meaning but I didn't understand it and so I didn't dwell though the distant look upon his face made me wonder.
"Is the lesson done for today then?" I asked wanting nothing more than to stretch my legs after sitting crossed legged for hours.
Finnick nodded, "yes."
I jumped from the bed and moaned once again in pleasure as I stretched my muscles. Finnick watched me with a small shake of his head before he to stood and stretched. The smell of food hit my senses as I opened the bedroom door and I knew Hazelle and Greasy Sae must be cooking up a treat in the kitchen.
"Hungry?" I turned to Finnick who smiled and then darted down the stairs in front of me.
I cursed and followed not wanting to be last to the table. It was these childish moments after such a difficult day that brought the light and happiness into my life. Made me still believe there was a small chance of happiness left for me... that maybe I was condemned to be miserable forever.
Possession
That night we lay together. Sleep was getting harder and harder to find as the date for the Victors Tour grew closer and closer and then after that my new life. I was still unsure of the details; I didn't know what would happen when I reached the Capitol, what the cover story would be and how I would know who my clients were. Still so much was a mystery and I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answers or not.
"Finnick?" I whispered into the darkness.
"Mmm," he mumbled beside me. It wasn't a sleepy mumble though and so I knew he was nowhere near finding sleep like myself.
"After doing what you've done for so long, do you find pleasure in it anymore?" the question had been one that had been playing on my mind.
Maybe it was because I knew I was having mixed confused feelings for him and they had only doubled after our 'encounter'. I wondered if he had enjoyed himself as much as I had or whether he was merely going through the motions.
He was silent for a while and I was ready to give up on him answering but then he spoke, his tone was soft and gentle and the bed shifted as he turned onto his side to face me though the room was to dark to see.
"It depends on who it is with," he began. "With regulars you find a rhythm, something you both enjoy but it's not the same. Sex is better when you actual care for the person and I care very little for any of my clients."
I chewed on my lip wanting to ask my next question so badly it hurt and yet a part of me didn't want to know the answer and yet I asked anyway, be damned of consequences. "Did you enjoy the other morning?"
Once again there was silence but it wasn't for as long. I jumped slightly when I felt Finnick's hand cup my cheek, a little haphazardly due to the dark. His thumb caressed my cheek making my heart beat a little faster and my mouth to dry up.
"Yes," he whispered, "it's the first time in a long time that I have."
I found myself smiling, "you care about me?" it was a childish question but I was feeling insecure, a feeling I had never really had before. I needed some kind of reassurance that he was feeling how I was or at least he was as confused as I was.
I could hear the smile in his words when he spoke, "yes, I care about you more than I thought I ever would Katniss."
It was an admission of undying love but that wasn't what I had wanted but I knew then that he cared, he cared like I cared. I could hear it in his voice and if I had been able to see him I'm sure I would have seen it in his eyes.
Neither of us knew really what to feel for the other, that much was clear, we were both confused and trapped in a world where feelings weren't really an option but I had hope, hope that maybe one day we could be free to feel what we liked.
"I care about you too," I whispered before I settled into his side.
With his arms wrapped around me and my head upon his chest I fell asleep feeling more content than I had in what seemed forever.
AN: So this was kind of a mushy feeling filled chapter with a bit of naughtiness thrown in. Did you enjoy? I hope you did. The next couple of chapters are going to have time gaps between them so I can get to the Victors Tour and then begin her new life in the Capitol.
Anyway, please review and let me know what you think, I hope you enjoyed...
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