A/N: Phew! It took longer than I expected to finish this. DAYS longer. BUT, here we are, folks! (BEAMS) Yay…?

THANK YOU, a million times over, for your AMAZING reviews, love and support! It's been a REALLY emotional ride and it means a lot that you're all taking it with me. (HUGS)

Awkay, before I get all mushy… Let's go! Feels ahoy!

Depression

/ Endless days passed by. Emilia and her men stopped trying to ask questions entirely. But the physical and often also emotional torment didn't stop. Clint asked 'why' only once. It slipped from his tongue before he could stop himself.

Emilia looked at him with an entirely too satisfied smirk and patted his cheek almost gently. "Why?" She leaned closer and kissed the cheek she just patted. He wasn't coherent enough to shiver at the contact, even if it sickened him. "Because, Little Bird… When I finally toss you back to Fury like a piece of garbage… I want you to be completely… and utterly… destroyed. I want him to see what he brought upon you." She leaned closer, crowding his personal space. For however long he might live, he wouldn't forget the scent of her perfume. "There are so many ways to destroy a person." She nodded, still smiling. "I know. I've experienced them all."

In the long, excruciating hours which followed Clint went through things he'd never, ever be able to speak of out loud if he'd somehow survive this. He didn't scream or whimper, and he most definitely didn't beg for mercy. He clung to life with the stubbornness that was given to him when he was born. This time more out of habit than actual will to live.

He attempted to cling to the memory of Lila's laughter, which was what kept him sane in the beginning. He fought to memorize the look of concentration in Cooper's eyes when he taught his son archery with toy arrows. He struggled to remember how Laura tasted when they kissed.

But none of that came to him. His head filled with horrific mental images of blood and death, over and over again. Those flashes were all that kept him company when Emilia was finally done and simply left him there, unable to even get up.

Still Clint didn't scream. Didn't fight when all it would bring was misery. He just lay there, staring at the wall with unseeing eyes, and a tiny part of him wondered if this was what death felt like. /

When there wasn't a trace of Clint or Laura in half an hour after she went to check up on him the team began to get really, honestly worried. With Wanda and Natasha, the two of them the little Bartons trusted the most, ensuring that the kids were entertained enough to not suspect anything Steve and Tony went to check up on the couple. So yeah, maybe they were concerned. But could anyone blame them when they'd already lost Clint once?

What they found… was something neither of them would've known to expect.

Clint and Laura were both drenched wet as she led him from their room's bathroom towards the bed. He followed like a zombie, one step at a time, unresponsive to her softly murmured words. It was like wasn't even really there. By the time the two finally reached the bed Clint pulled his wife into his arms and just held on tight, a heartbreaking look of utter despair on his face. Helpless to do anything else Laura helped back and continued whispering, even if it seemed that the archer's mind was somewhere far away.

Steve swallowed convulsively. The Captain was quick to leave before anyone got the chance to see just how much the sight hurt him. "I'll call Dr. Harris", he muttered. It was a move Clint would've usually hated. But their friend… didn't really seem like Clint at the moment.

In the end Tony stepped forward, the instinctive need to do something pulsating through him. He couldn't look away from the archer's glazed over eyes, no matter how much he wanted to. "What happened?"

Laura swallowed thickly and shook her head. She'd been holding it together astonishingly well through the whole ordeal but at the moment she seemed absolutely terrified. "I… I don't know." She shook her head again, visibly frustrated and furious at her own helplessness. "I found him from the bathroom like this. He probably had a flashback." She took a deep, shuddering breath, futilely trying to calm herself. "His heart… It's racing."

Tony shivered. His mind was galloping, trying to come up with something, anything… "We need to get him to calm down." He took a step closer before changing his mind quickly. If Clint was still in the grips of a flashback the man wouldn't appreciate someone crowding his private space unexpectedly. He shifted with discomfort, so frustrated that he wanted to scream.

Laura's jawline tightened while her husband held on to her so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. "I don't think he really knows that we're here, Tony." She tried petting Clint's wet curls comfortingly but it only made the Hawk's tremors intensify. Tears filled the woman's eyes but she blinked them away quickly. "Honey, it's okay. You're safe, we're all safe. Do you hear me? You're safe."

Clint remained unresponsive.

Tony's shoulders slumped. A massive lump formed in his throat. "I thought that he was getting better." He was entirely too aware of how much he sounded like a child.

"He has been." Laura sighed. "But you know how he is. He's been pushing himself, for our sakes. Too hard."

Tony groaned. Trying not to pull his hair out with frustration while a searing sensation took over his eyes. Goddamnit, Barton…! "And here we are."

"And here we are."

"… 'm fine." Clint's voice, feeble as it was, succeeded in startling them. There was a pale hint of awareness in the man's still glassy, haunted eyes. He didn't seem to be looking at anything in particular. His hold on his wife was still steel hard, desperate. That of a drowning man. "Just… need a sec."

"Barton, listen to me." Laura took her husband's face between both hands. Working her hardest to appear strong. She didn't really seem to catch his eyes. "You need more than a second. And it's perfectly alright. Understood?" It was impossible to tell if she was aware of the tears in her eyes. "No more rushing and pushing yourself, for anyone's sake."

Clint stared at her as though he was actually seeing her for the first time, or like he was only just beginning to believe that she was truly there. His eyelids began to droop heavily. And that was the only warning they got. So quickly that Tony had no hope of reacting fast enough Clint's eyes rolled, then closed. The man slumped in Laura's arms so heavily that it was a miracle both of them didn't tumble to the floor. While panic shot through Tony like a brutal bolt of electricity Laura operated quickly, using her legs to shift herself and her husband so that they were safely and comfortably on the bed. She attempted to gently coax him into laying down comfortably but he was having none of it, even while passed out clinging to her desperately.

It took several moments before shock and panic eased enough to allow Tony to speak. "What… What the hell was that?" he squeaked in a voice that would've been embarrassing under different circumstances. "Is he… Is he okay?"

Laura sighed, and it shuddered while the emotions she'd struggled to hold back threatened to take over. She blinked rapidly against the moisture shining in her eyes. "That… was Clint's mind and body announcing that they've had enough." Seeing his wide-open terror, she did her best to smile. "He just exhausted himself. He'll wake up in a few hours with a headache."

Tony winced. A few things clicked together in his head. "Sounds like you've been through this before."

Laura nodded grimly, focusing on her husband to avoid looking at him. It took a mighty while before she decided to speak up. "It's…" She was cut off when Clint shivered particularly violently and emitted a quiet, strangled sound of distress before slipping more firmly out of awareness. "It's never been… this bad before, though. Not even after…" She gritted her teeth hard before voicing the name. "… Loki." It was apparent how exhausted, anxious and helpless she felt. She spent six months in the reality that she'd never, ever get her husband back. And now… this.

There were no magic tricks or words that would've taken away her strain. Still Tony offered the best optimistic grin he could muster. "Feathers is a tough bird. He's gonna be okay." His smile faltered, badly. "I just… I wish I knew how far from 'okay' he was. How am I supposed to help him if he doesn't share when he needs help?" It sounded childish and pathetic even to his own ears. And by now he knew Clint well enough to realize that it was a stupid question. He didn't care.

Laura smiled. Really, honestly smiled, even if it was a slightly sad one. Somehow it made them both feel just a little bit better. "That's what I've been asking myself since the day I met this idiot."

Pepper had been on a long business trip. She hated leaving when everything was still such a mess but what other choice did she have? She took off with a promise to be back as soon as she could and a demand that Tony would call her if things… got out of hand.

Yet somehow she still came back to find the Tower eerily quiet and Tony from the kitchen area, glaring at an open but otherwise untouched bottle of Whisky with moist eyes.

Pepper gulped, a cold hand squeezing around her stomach. "Tony? What's wrong?"

Tony swallowed convulsively, like someone attempting to hold back a vomit. "I… I thought that I was helping him. I thought…" The billionaire shook his head, as though trying to clear it, and rubbed his eyes with a fist. He opened his mouth a couple of times but nothing came out.

Pepper took a deep breath. Desperately trying to will any of this into making sense. "A rough patch?" A solid enough assumption. The cold fist enough her stomach continued to tighten.

Tony nodded grimly, glaring at the bottle with darkened eyes. "Yeah, a rough patch", he spat out. "Barton crashed." It was always 'Barton' when the billionaire felt a little too much for comfort. It was 'Barton' for the first five and a half months, since…

Pepper shivered. And here she'd been hoping that perhaps things had changed for the better… "What happened?"

Over the following twenty minutes or so Tony recapped the day's horrific events. Pepper's heart broke at just the mental images. They'd all known that there was more going on inside Clint's busy head than the archer let on but this…

Somehow she'd ended up to Tony's lap. She hugged him tightly and kissed his hair. "You need to stop beating yourself up about this, Tony. We both know how good of an actor Clint is when he wants to be, and how much he hates appearing vulnerable in front of anyone. You did everything you could."

Tony groaned and buried his face to her shoulder. Now definitely wasn't the right time for either one of them to remember that they'd agreed to take… a break. "Why wasn't it enough?"

Pepper's jawline tightened. Protective instincts surged inside her like a tsunami, for both pained men. "Because sometimes this world sucks."

Tony chuckled. It wasn't until that sound she heard the tears. "Never heard you say 'sucks' before."

"Yeah, you have, genius." She could feel his subtle shudders as he fought to pull himself together. It hurt enough to make her tighten her hold. "Now here's what we do. You just sit right there for bit. Then we pour that Whisky to a sink. Once that's all done we're going to sleep until the morning, because right now we're both too tired to think about anything rationally."

The only traces of Tony still being awake were those continuous tremors and barely audible noises. Until the man mumbled against her shirt. "Thanks. You don't have to…"

"Yeah, well, tough, because I want to."

Almost two full minutes of nearly absolute silence ticked by. It was Tony who broke it, never much for quiet. "I just wish that this whole crap was over and everyone would be okay."

Well, if that didn't shatter her heart… "You're not superheroes, you're human beings doing and recovering from things no one should have to face." It was one huge reason to them taking a break. She couldn't stand seeing what being an Avenger did to him and he couldn't stand the thought of letting it go. She would've thought that it was another addiction added to his list but by now she knew better. Things with Tony Stark were hardly ever quite so simple. "But I've seen what you're all able to overcome, and you'll get through this, too. Just not tonight."

Laura didn't know how long she first sat, then lay there with Clint in her arms. Or perhaps it was more of a shell of her husband, because although he was warm and breathing it didn't really feel like he was there. She stoked his hair and hummed, tried every trick to ensure that he was aware of her presence.

Seeing him like that hurt physically. She wanted to scream, wanted to tear something or someone to pieces. Yet all she could do was be there and try to hang on to whatever was still left of him.

It'd been a long day and a massive emotional turmoil. She was about to fall into a restless slumber when he finally shifted. She tightened her hold without even noticing it. "Hey", she whispered, knowing all too well how sensitive to loud noises he was right now. "How do you feel?"

It took almost a minute before he managed to produce speech. His voice was rough and barely audible. "Tired."

Laura sighed and blinked rapidly when a stinging sensation took over her eyes. "Yeah, I'll bet." She kissed his hair. "So sleep. I won't be going anywhere. None of us will be going anywhere."

Clint was still horribly tense. And his grip on her was almost painful. "I'm sorry", he murmured with what sounded like the last of his strength. "… weren't supposed … wasn't supposed to see me like that."

Laura gritted her teeth so hard that it hurt. "And you're not supposed to be seeing whatever it is going on inside your head. But you are, and I did, and now we're going to deal with it. Together." She rubbed her nose against his cold and clammy forehead. "First, though, you need to start being honest with me. Us all. No more putting on a show. We're not some… delicate flowers who have to be coddled." She closed her eyes and inhaled his familiar, soothing scent. Tried to calm her still racing heart. "We… We lost you, and by some miracle we got you back. So come back. Stop hiding from us." This time she kissed his forehead. "Wherever that busy head of yours is right now… Come back to me. Let me help you." She could only hope that she'd be able to. That he hadn't slipped too far away without any of them even noticing.

Aside the never-ending trembling Clint was entirely still. And so quiet that it was terrifying. Until there was a whisper. "Laura? Is this real? Not just… Not just another dream?"

She frowned. That was new. "Yeah." She squeezed him gently to enforce her promise. "Of course this is real. Why would you ask that?"

"Because I wasn't supposed to make it out of there alive."

After making a phone call to Dr. Harris and ensuring that Clint was in safe hands Steve decided that he really, really needed a break. So he headed towards the apartment he hadn't really been in… for who knows how long. His solemn plan was to beat up a punching bag until he'd be exhausted enough to sleep dreamlessly. That plan was doomed from the start.

Because when he entered his apartment Nick Fury was sitting on his couch, a grim expression on his thoughtful face.

He opened his mouth but Fury was faster. "I'm aware that you don't want me anywhere near your home. Or your team. But…"

"They're not 'my team' anymore." Steve folded his arms, doing his best to keep his conflicted emotions and anger under control. "Isn't that why you came here?"

"Yes. I received your announcement that the Avengers won't be reassembled." The one-eyed man cast a hard look at him. It was almost enough to disguise how exhausted and strained the director seemed. "Do you really think that it's what Clint would want?"

"And do you think he'd want to be forced back to fieldwork? You haven't seen him. You don't know what it did to him." To all of us. Steve gritted his teeth, fighting even harder to keep himself together. But the rage was just too much. "You chose to sacrifice his life, and you won't even tell us why. I'm not letting you do the same thing the any of them, ever again."

For a moment, just one, naked despair and something far deeper were visible in Fury's remaining eye. But all evidence disappeared quickly. "Barton knew what he was signing up for from the day he was recruited. He accepted the realities, made peace with them. You accepted that same 'for the greater good' deal when you enlisted." The man took a deep breath, still watching him thoughtfully. "I haven't approved the burial of the Avengers Initiative. But I can't operate as your leader anymore because I no longer have your team's trust. As from today Maria Hill will take my place. She knows the whole team at least as well as I do and is fully capable."

That… was honestly a surprise. Steve nodded slowly. Was he expected to say something?

Fury didn't seem to think so. The man's eye hardened, still fixed on him. "I'm aware that you don't trust me and I accept that. But there's something important you need to ask yourself. Do you trust yourself as their leader?"

Steve opened his mouth, then closed it when he realized that what was about to come out would've been a lie. Yes, Fury made the decision, the unthinkable sacrifice. But he wasn't able to bring his friend's body back home. (He never got the chance to find Bucky, either.) And now, when Clint needed them – him – more than ever before, he had absolutely no idea how to help. What kind of a leader and friend was so pathetically lost?

Steve looked down. And shook his head once, twice, a heavy weight sitting on his heart and shoulders. "No, I don't."

When Dr. Sarah Harris entered the Tower the following morning she wasn't exactly surprised to find a horribly worried, annoyed and frustrated Laura. "He'd left the bed when I woke up this morning", the woman announced before she could ask. "According to the surveillance system he's on one of the balconies."

With most of her patients Sarah would've been alarmed. Knowing Clint's fondness of heights she decided to check the situation before drawing any conclusions. She made her way to the given location and decided that the archer deserved a throughout scolding for making her do this when the man was feeling better.

Clint was sitting on the balcony's railing with his eyes closed. For a few seconds she wondered if he'd fallen asleep, because he looked beyond exhausted, but then he shivered barely visibly upon hearing her. He didn't open his eyes or speak, though.

Sarah sighed heavily. She could see immediately that despite all the progress they'd already done there was a huge workload ahead of them. "So. Here's the thing. That tough guy act and pretending that you've been pulling off in front of your friends? It stops, right now, to this day. Because you've got more than enough on your plate without having to tire yourself out with that. How does that sound?"

Clint was still and silent for so long that she imagined he was shutting her out. Until… "I'm done with pretending."

That might've sounded promising if she hadn't read between the lines. Her eyes narrowed slightly while she processed. "Sounds like it's not the only thing you're done with." In full honesty it sounded and looked like he was done with everything. And it chilled her.

Clint didn't give an answer. After a few long minutes of silence his eyes opened and instantly squinted to slits against the harsh sunlight. "I wasn't supposed to make it out of there. I…" He cleared his throat, then went on in a distant, nearly detached tone. Was he talking to her or himself? "I spent months telling myself that I'd die there. So what am I supposed to do now?"

He sounded heart wrenchingly lost and… hollow. It was silly how much Sarah wanted to give him a hug. But not only would it have been unprofessional, it also would've done him no good. So she settled for a shrug, even if he didn't see it. "That's what we're about to find out. But first you need to start talking to me. Do you think you can do that?"

TBC

A/N: Oh mine, that was quite the setback. (sighs) BUT, let's hope that this is where the recovery continues…!

Sooooo… Thoughts? Comments? It'd be FANTASTIC to hear from you guys!

Awkay, I've really gotta get going. Hopefully I'll see you all next time with 'Acceptance'!

Take care!