22. FLIGHT
Once we had made it through the doors and away from the noise, I turned all of my attention to Bella. She was beginning to shake violently and her breath was coming out in uneven gasps.
"Do not leave until dark," Demetri warned. I nodded briefly, and he slipped away, eager to join everyone else as they fed.
Gianna looked at us passively, but I could hear the curiosity in her mind. The Volturi didn't just give away their cloaks like tee shirts at a sports game. I wonder if he joined, she thought, a little enviously. His tastes in companions are certainly…unique. She eyed Bella.
I ignored her and focused on Bella myself. She looked so pale I was afraid she might pass out. Feather-light as she was, I was carrying most of her weight, while she clung to me with all the strength she could find. Her face was wet with free flowing tears, and she was choking on silent sobs.
"Are you all right?" I asked. It was a stupid question- of course she wasn't all right- but I didn't know what else to do. All those years of medical training and I didn't even know where to begin. It wasn't as though I'd never seen Bella cry before. I had comforted her on many occasions. Bella teared up easily. But this was different. For the first time I could remember, Bella was truly terrified of vampires. Even last year when James had been hunting her, she'd seemed more afraid of him specifically than of vampires as a whole. She'd still run off to face him head on, without as much as a goodbye.
I remembered our first meetings, all those times I'd hoped for her terror, and my consequent frustration at her complete dismissal of my hideous instincts. I had always been baffled by her nonchalant attitude to this world of monsters. Up until the moment I left I was constantly on edge, waiting for her to realize what exactly she had gotten herself into.
Now that I had finally gotten what I wanted, all I could feel was remorse. And the worst of it was that I was a vampire too. I wanted to kiss away all of her fears, but any moment now she was going to have a wave of realization and run screaming into the streets of Volterra. I could lose her all over again. I didn't know if I was strong enough for that. I knew what it was to lose Bella. Without her I felt almost as fragile as she was. I might not make it.
"You'd better make her sit before she falls," Alice, always perceptive, suggested. "She's going to pieces."
Bella looked around frantically. As if to prove what Alice had said, the sound of her sobs began to grow until she was crying out. She tottered along beside me as I practically carried her to one of the seats in the corner. I stared, at a loss for what to do.
"Shh, Bella, shh," I hushed, rubbing her back. I felt completely useless. If there was ever a moment to read her mind, now would be it. I would know exactly how she wanted- or didn't want- to be held. I could find the fears as they floated through her mind and then fight them off. I could protect her from them. Right now I was fighting an unseen enemy. Like I always did when I was with Bella, I felt blind. Only this time I was blind in the midst of a hurricane. If I didn't do something soon she was in danger of hyperventilating. She might possibly even have a panic attack.
"I think she's having hysterics," Alice commented, noting my indecision. "Maybe you should slap her."
I flashed a look at Alice. I didn't know whether to yell at her angrily for suggesting such violence or to actually do it. I knew what I would have done before, months ago, when things were simpler. I would have gathered her in my arms without hesitation and soothed away the panic. But right now I still didn't know if my presence would make things better or worse.
Would she want me to hold her, as I was so desperate to do? She hadn't yet had the realization that I was waiting for, and though it was quite possible that she was as terrified of me as I thought, I had no way of knowing. All I could do was what I felt was right. I gave in to my protective nature.
"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right," I repeated, finally pulling her onto my lap and rubbing her back reassuringly. I kept my movements as slow and light as I possibly could, afraid to jolt or startle her even slightly. I carefully wrapped my cloak around her shoulders to keep her warm, tucking in the edges like she was a child. It comforted me a bit to note how she curled herself into me, just as she always had, though she was twisted at a slightly awkward angle so she could stare up at my face as she sobbed.
Her eyes seemed to be flickering in and out. There were moments when she would study my face intently and then her eyes would become slightly glassy. I had no doubt that she was thinking of the horrific slaughter that was taking place in the other room. I could only hope that she was too hysterical to think rationally and connect my face with the hungry faces of the Volturi.
"All those people," she choked out during one of her glazed moments.
"I know," I whispered.
"It's so horrible."
"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that." And I wished she could know how much.
She leaned against me and wiped her eyes with the cloak. I could feel her struggling to breathe properly. I took steady breaths myself, trying to calm her body by proxy.
I heard a shuffling across the room as Gianna gave into her curiosity and began to move toward us. She was an obnoxious girl, with an obnoxious mind. No wonder the Volturi didn't intend to keep her. She was far too curious for her own good. That trait was probably what had led her to the Volturi in the first place.
Humans never leave here, she thought. They either join or die. Those are the two options. He has a cloak on, so perhaps they both joined? But then why is she crying? She's not strong enough for anything we would require. There was a note of smugness to her thoughts in the way she grouped herself with the Volturi. I'll offer some help to get the ball rolling. Maybe the guy will let something slip while he concentrates on keeping the human freaking out. Yes, she is definitely too weak. The way she thought the word 'human' baffled me.
"Is there anything I can get for you?" she cooed at me, leaning close. Perhaps my scent might catch his attention, she thought. I bristled at her proximity. Her dealings with vampires had left her with no sense.
"No," I answered curtly, making it very clear she had no part in this. Let her questions stew, as long as she left us alone.
She nodded and headed back to her desk. Her smile was plastered in place over her indignation at my severity. She was well practiced hiding her emotions from vampires. She just wasn't used to a vampire who could read her mind.
"Does she know what's going on here?" Bella asked quietly. Her tears had almost slowed to a stop, and her breathing was starting to become more regular, though she hiccupped every few seconds.
I chose my words carefully.
"Yes. She knows everything."
"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?" Bella was more clever than Gianna and her fear was much more rational than Gianna's acceptance. Gianna was facing the danger here without batting an eye, hoping with all her being that they would one day allow her to become a monster as well.
I pondered that. Perhaps Bella was more like Gianna than I'd thought.
"She knows it's a possibility," I said bitterly. Bella furrowed her eyebrows in an expression that was both surprised and confused. All of a sudden this had become less about the Volturi receptionist than it was about Bella. Could she see the similarities? She had to understand what she wanted to become now. "She's hoping they'll decide to keep her."
Bella's eyes widened in shock. I was worried again that she might pass out.
"She wants to be one of them?" she whispered. I nodded. Bella had obviously changed her mind about vampires. It had taken over a year, but I could see that reality had finally begun to set in. It was only a matter of time before she returned to Forks and cut the ties. She'd had enough of the vampire world. It made me ache to my core, but I couldn't blame her for it.
"How can she want that?" Bella asked quietly, shaking her head. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of that?"
I could think of anything to say, partly because I agreed with her myself. After seeing "that", as Bella had put it, it was impossible not to be disgusted. Even I was disgusted with myself. My hands were filthy with human blood. I had killed so many people. It was true, they were monsters themselves, but at times I wondered. How many people had I left to grieve? Bella knew that I had killed. She knew what I was, but did she understand the pleasure I had found in it? That was what truly made me a monster. I had killed people to selfishly quench my thirst, and even though I had ended life after life, part of me still wanted more. Did Bella realize that my natural instinct was to join the Volturi in their massacre?
That consumed most of my thoughts and made my face briefly twist in pain. Bella understood what I was now, and she most certainly did not want "that". She couldn't. I knew I deserved every word and more, but the rejection implied in her words hurt almost as much as the knowledge that my time with her was limited. She didn't want to be a vampire anymore. She wouldn't want me.
Quite suddenly Bella burst into tears. I stared in surprise. Was she crying over the people, who were most certainly dead by now? She had seen so many of the things that I'd tried to hide and had far too many reasons to be crying. I couldn't narrow it down to one.
"What's wrong?" I asked, not certain if I wanted to know. She grabbed my neck and pulled herself close.
"Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" she managed to choke out through her tears.
Confusing words, but they described my feelings so well. Despite the pain I felt knowing what she must think of me, I was happy. And if she was happy too, perhaps I had misread her. I allowed myself the smallest amount of hope that maybe she was glad of my presence for more than just the protection it offered. In this moment she was mine and I gave myself up to it. I hugged her closer still, fighting the urge to hold on- as though she were a buoy in the midst of a storm- with all my strength.
"I know what you mean," I said into her hair. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."
"Yes," she said. "That's a good one."
"And together," I added, tentatively. I said it so faintly I wasn't sure she heard me until she nodded her head. She did it absently and, was it just me or did my words make her seem a little glum? My heart sank. I tried not to think of it, and instead focused on my own words. Together. "And with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow."
"Hopefully."
"The outlook is quite good," Alice broke in softly. She'd been sitting quietly, vaguely scanning the future, trying to keep her thoughts quiet for my sake. I gave her a little smile of appreciation. She was as eager to leave as I was. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours." Good. I would owe her forever, and it was good to know that we were on a path taking us home. I was glad to see her future in order. I only wished that she would focus on mine. Or Bella's. We're they one?
I was so certain that Bella must now hate what I was that it was with some confusion that I noticed her staring at me intently. All I could do was stare back. She'd said she was happy, and strange as it was, she looked it too. But her actions were so mixed. She didn't seem scared as she held on to me tightly, but there was a definite look of apprehension in her eyes. Had I misunderstood? Had she? What was she thinking?
I had loved her from a distance for so long that holding her close now was making my head turn in all different directions, though every one pointed to Bella. If she still loved me, I would spend eternity making up for what I had done. I would do everything I could and hope for her forgiveness.
I traced every line that I had missed for so long. She was more beautiful than I had remembered. Her chocolate brown eyes were still liquid with tears, and her cheeks had faint marks from were the moisture had left a trail. Her eyes were puffy from crying and framed by dark circles.
"You look so tired," I whispered, running my fingers along the circles. How long had she been awake? I had assumed her exhaustion came from the ordeal with the Volturi, but now I began to wonder about her trip over. She and Alice had gotten here fast. Her fatigue seemed to go much deeper than the past few hours. She must be in desperate need of sleep.
"And you look thirsty," Bella replied.
Did I really? My throat burned, but it seemed secondary. If a vampire could ever lose his appetite, this was probably how he would feel. There were so many other things that were more important than blood right now. Like rubbing my hand along Bella's arm. Much more important.
"It's nothing," I said with a shrug.
"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice," she offered. She looked about as sincere as Alice had when she'd promised to stop altering my wardrobe. At any other time I would have laughed, but I was too tense. Instead I sighed.
"Don't be ridiculous. I've never been in better control of that side of my nature than right now."
I continued to stare at her intently, memorizing every detail of her. I felt like someone who had lost their favorite book, and then years later found it again. I was rereading everything. I hadn't forgotten any of it, but it there was so much to take in again. I had every word memorized, but it was just different when the book was right in front of you.
Alice used her mind to quietly ask me what I thought we should for travel arrangements back to Forks. I didn't particularly care at this point so long as I could stare at Bella, but I knew Alice was eager to get back to Jasper, and it was true that I was equally as eager to get Bella away from Italy.
"You can handle it, can't you?" I murmured.
"I brought some cash," she replied. "So plane tickets shouldn't be a problem. I noticed the local law enforcement eyeing the car we arrived in when I parked, so I'll need a minute or two to steal another." I caught a glimpse of Alice speeding through Italy in a yellow Porsche. Her thoughts had an element of whimsy to them.
"That's fine. Just make it quick."
I know, I'm ready to leave too Edward, Alice thought. It's almost sunset. We'll be out of here soon.
I nodded and continued to stare at Bella. For a moment it was silent in the room with the exception of Gianna's pencil scratching and an occasional quick breath from Bella as she finally regained the last bits of her composure. I kissed her softly on the tip of the nose.
Alice broke the silence.
"What was all that talk about singers?" she asked curiously.
"La tua cantante," I clarified.
"Yes, that," Alice said, and then with her mind: Stop being a know it all. I speak Italian too. Just explain what it is already.
I shrugged lightly as I explained. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer- because her blood sings for me."
Alice laughed at that. I can't believe you've finally found someone more melodramatic than you, Edward.
"Yes, well, we've cleared it all up now, haven't we?"
"Only after flying half-way around the world," she lowered her voice so only I could hear. "She completely lost it, you know- when she found out what you were planning."
I sighed, brushed a piece of hair from Bella's forehead, and kissed it lightly. She stared back up at me, but her eyes were drifting in and out of focus. I doubted she was really paying attention. It was obvious that every moment she was drifting closer to unconsciousness, but she seemed determined to stay awake. The more her body fought to sleep, the more her mind fought against it. I imagined that pretty soon she was going to hit some strange middle ground and fall asleep with her eyes open.
"When was the last time she slept?" I asked.
"On the plane ride here, but it was restless. She was tossing and turning the entire time."
I brushed my fingers along Bella's lips. "Did she say anything?"
"Mostly just your name. She was worrying about you. I was so focused on your plans that I didn't see much else in the future, but every once and a while- when your plans had us arriving too late- I would see her. I don't know if she would have survived if we were too late."
I moved my hand to Bella's head and stroked her hair as my breath caught.
Alice continued. "I'm only saying this because I know you, and I know what you're thinking. Bella wants you. Don't doubt that."
"I left behind such a mess. How can she forgive me for that? Especially now that she's seen…what she's seen."
"She's determined to keep you as long as she can."
"Your visions change." Alice was already shaking her head at me, but I held up a hand. "It's true. For some reason she wants me now, but she'll realize what that means eventually. I can't have her forever." I leaned down to kiss her hair.
My mouth was still lingering there when I heard Alec approach. I instinctively held Bella tighter. She saw Alice look over as he entered, and instantly scrambled beneath my arms in fear, finally resting tensely with her face pressed into my chest.
Alec looked at us with a condescending smile, in a slightly more jovial mood now that he had fed.
"You're free to leave now," he said, waving his hand lightly as though he hadn't just recently been contemplating Bella's blood. "We ask that you don't linger in the city."
Alec may feel a little friendlier now, but I most certainly didn't.
"That's won't be a problem," I said curtly. Alec smiled distractedly, nodded his acknowledgment and swept out of the room. We had lost all his interest now.
I lifted Bella up from my lap and placed her on her feet.
"Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators," Gianna instructed, with one last glimpse at Bella. "The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now." She returned to whatever it was she had been doing at her desk and did not look up again.
I supposed I should feel sorry for her, Alice thought as we headed down the hallway. On any other day I would have, but I couldn't find the room to care for anything other than Bella at the moment.
We made our way out of the building and Bella's head snapped back and forth. Her eyes took in her surroundings, looked curiously at the building, anxiously forward, and trustingly up at me. As we entered into the street and Alice snuck away quickly to steal a car for us, Bella seemed vaguely fascinated by all of the humans in their vampire attire. As if the Volturi weren't enough, now we were faced with humans pretending they were the Volturi, though I was sure they didn't know the origins of their costumes.
"Ridiculous," I muttered. Alice was right. The Volturi definitely had me bested when it came to the dramatic.
It took a little while for Bella's sleep-deprived brain to notice that we were alone in our group, but when she did she seemed suddenly alert.
"Where's Alice?" She whispered to me.
"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning," I replied, attempting to sooth her. Everything seemed to make her jump. One moment she was asleep on her feet, and the next she was frantically searching the crowd.
"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" she asking with a small smile. I was glad to see that at least some of her good humor had returned.
"Not till we're outside," I answered with my own smile.
Her energy was brief, and almost as soon as I had answered her questions she sunk into me again. I was tempted to carry her, but I was afraid of drawing too much attention. Instead I supported her weight with my arm as best I could without dragging her.
I was surprised at how quickly my mood had changed. Certainly I would feel better once we were out of the city, but now that I had put at least some distance- with more to come- between us and the Volturi, I felt somehow buoyant. I suspected it had something to do with Bella.
Over here, Alice called with her mind. She was waiting in a black sedan, hidden in the shadows. I was grateful to see that she had gone for stealth over speed in her choice of cars. I held open the back door for Bella and helped her stumble onto the seat and then swiftly slid in beside her, letting her curl up into me once again. I had missed holding her like this as she fell asleep in my arms.
"I'm sorry," Alice said, slightly sarcastic, as she started up the car and tore out of the city. "There wasn't much to choose from." I know how you like your cars.
So that's how she wanted it?
"It's fine, Alice," I replied with a smirk. She really wasn't in a place to judge. "They can't all be 911 Turbos."
I think I might get what Edward and Rose see in those cars now, she thought to herself with a sigh. "I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous."
"I'll get you one for Christmas," I said. It was the least I could do.
"Yellow."
Bella twisted closer in my arms and I leaned my face into her hair.
"You can sleep now, Bella," I encouraged. "It's over." Now that I was calmer, I hoped that she was the same. I was here to watch her and protect her while she slept.
"I don't want to sleep," she mumbled. "I'm not tired."
She was such a bad liar, even under the best of circumstances. Now it almost seemed like a joke. She couldn't expect me to believe her when her eyes couldn't even focus properly. I should have known. She wasn't a vampire. She wouldn't get over her ordeal that quickly. Who knows how long she'd be afraid to close her eyes. But still, she was going to have to sleep sometime or her body would give out.
I leaned in to the hollow under her ear and whispered as soothingly as I could. "Try."
She shook her head weakly.
I sighed in frustration. Why wouldn't she take care of herself? Had I really inflicted so much pain that she thought I would just let something happen to her if she slept? She was being ridiculous. "You're still just as stubborn."
I stroked her hair soothingly as we sped to Florence. There were several times where I thought she might actually have fallen asleep, but then she would sit up abruptly, readjust, and lie back against me again.
She gained a little energy when we entered the airport in Florence. Unfortunately in the busy rush of the terminal the Volturi cloak was attracting quite a few stares. Alice slipped into a nearby store and bought me some clothes, never one to trust someone else with their own shopping decisions. She handed them to me along with Bella's bag and instructions to make her change and clean up, and then headed off to buy tickets for our flight.
"I'll meet you by the ticket counter," she said and slid away through the crowds.
Tired as Bella was, I was seriously tempted to follow her into the bathroom and help her change. I wasn't even sure that I'd let go of her since all of this had started, let alone had her out of my sight. But she seemed awake enough to handle a simple change of clothes and against my better judgment I let her slip out of my arms and into the airport bathroom. I watched the door anxiously behind her.
As I waited I listened intently to the sound of her heartbeat echoing off the bathroom tiles. Its rhythm comforted me in a way that I hadn't felt in months. My own body, empty for almost a hundred years, felt full in a way that I had never known I needed until recently. I'd long ago accepted that I was without a soul and without a heartbeat. They were just some of the many fundamental things that I was missing. I hadn't realized that I'd found them in Bella until I'd left and realized how empty I felt. I didn't understand how I hadn't noticed this during the decades before we'd come to Forks. Having her had somehow become and essential part of my being. Even now, though she was in the next room, I felt complete. Whole again.
As I heard her begin to brush her teeth, I slipped into the men's room and quickly changed into the generic jeans and button down shirt Alice had purchased. They weren't the most comfortable things I'd ever worn, but they fit well enough and didn't say "Italia" anywhere on them. That had to be worth something considering where they were purchased. I could trash the cloak later in some place less conspicuous than an airport bathroom.
I was back in front of the women's restroom before Bella had rinsed her toothbrush. She emerged, not long after, looking much like she always did. But there was still something about her- little hints- that suggested an underlying element She seemed worn around the edges. Her eyes had heavy circles underneath them, and her hair was slightly messy as though it hadn't been bothered with in months. Even her posture looked a little insecure, as though she were out of the habit of being around people. Guilt shot through me when I noticed these things. There was no doubt in my mind that they were my fault.
She was in my arms instantly and we hurried off toward the ticket counter to meet Alice. We were in the air on our way to Rome not long after.
I took Bella's silence during the flight to indicate her fatigue so I stroked her hair and arms in an attempt to coax her to sleep. But Bella had never been one to act on her self-preservation instincts. Her body's need for sleep probably only seemed like a nagging suggestion to her. She simply continued staring at my face hesitantly as she had been for the past several hours. If she was content with that then I most certainly was as well. There wasn't much else that I would rather do at this point than stare right back. There were worse ways to spend an hour.
Our trip from Rome to Atlanta would not be so easy. She was most definitely going to sleep for the nine hour flight because even if I wouldn't get tired staring, she would.
Alice took advantage of her seating in the row behind us to call Jasper and assure him that everyone was alright. I listened with vague interest as she recounted the trip to him, explaining the preceding events in more detail than I'm sure she had before. She then went on to give a downplayed version of events from Volterra, but I was sure that he would see through it. Jasper knew the Volturi better than any of us.
"Could I have a coke, please?" I heard Bella ask the flight attendant as she passed. The lady nodded and headed off to grab one.
"Bella," I said, looking down at her disapprovingly. Caffeine was the last thing she needed. I still knew her well enough to know that.
"I don't want to sleep," she said. Her face grew worried as she remembered. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."
I shut my mouth at that. Of course she didn't want to sleep.
I spent the rest of the flight enjoying the immense relief that had been kept at bay until now. Now that we were safely on our way out of Italy the Volturi seemed irrelevant. The only thing I could focus on was Bella. I had nine hours to spend rememorizing everything about her. Let events fall as they may when we were back in Washington, but for right now all that mattered was that I loved her. I couldn't think of what to say, or where to begin, but words were unimportant. I was too intoxicated simply looking her.
I took in every detail, bit by bit. I traced my fingers along her face, her hair, her eyes. I watched her lips as she drank her soda. I couldn't get enough of her.
I wanted to kiss her. More than anything, I wanted to feel her lips on mine. But I was kept in check by my fear. I still didn't know if she wanted me that way. It was one thing being relieved that I was alive, but to go back to the way things were might be too much. If I kissed her, it was entirely possible that I would break whatever spell she was under. She might say no. She would gently try and push me away. With a sheepish look she would tell me that she'd moved on.
I couldn't think about that. Not when she was staring at me and I felt as though the past seven months had never happened. She traced her fingers along my face. I leaned in and kissed her hair again. I brushed my face down to her forehead and kissed it as well. It was as close as I would dare to go, but for right now it was enough.
It was early morning when our last flight finally arrived in Seattle. Bella shuffled through the terminal beside me, not seeing anything anymore. At this point she simply stumbled forward to wherever I directed her. Judging by Alice's visions on the plane, our family would appear any moment.
I saw Jasper first as he walked straight for Alice. His face was passive, but his thoughts were full of turmoil. I tried to ignore them out of respect, and instead looked around for Carlisle and Esme.
Thank you, Lord, for bringing them back safely, Carlisle was thinking.
Edward Anthony Masen, how dare you do this to us! I winced at the pain in Esme's thoughts. If she had been anyone else she would probably have been screaming at me. But the fear I could hear was bad enough. I really hadn't thought about her when I'd left and the reminder of all the people I had almost hurt grabbed at my conscience.
Once we were in the shadows where they stood, Esme rushed forward and embraced Bella, who looked completely overwhelmed. She whispered a fervent "thank you" in her ear and then turned on me. Even though I didn't let go of Bella, Esme threw her arms around me anyways.
"You will never put me through that again," she said. She really was angry. But fortunately for us, she was mostly relieved.
"Sorry, Mom," I said with an apologetic smile. If only no one had told Esme about this, things would have gone a whole lot smoother. I hated to have caused her so much pain. As much as I might tease her, she really was a mother to me.
"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said. "We owe you."
"Hahrley…" Bella mumbled. The caffeine had clearly worn off.
"She's dead on her feet," Esme said disapprovingly. "Let's get her home." I couldn't have agreed more. Esme put her arm around Bella and we continued through the airport toward the parking structure. Carlisle followed behind us, with Alice and Jasper behind him.
I don't even think she can walk, Esme thought. Didn't you let her sleep on the plane ride at all?
I gave her a look and then rolled my eyes.
I stiffened automatically when we reached the parking garage and I realized that Rosalie had decided to come. She was leaning against Carlisle's car, holding Emmett's hand and eyeing Bella and me warily as was approached. Everyone in my family, except maybe Alice, was trying to persuade me to go easy on her. I ignored them.
Rosalie's thoughts were quiet, but intense. I could hear the guilt that saturated her mind.
Good. She ought to feel guilty after what she had done, not just to me, but Bella and Alice too. All three of us could have died, and all because of her stupid, ignorant self-centeredness.
Esme noticed the tension.
"Don't," she said, always protective of her children, Rosalie included. "She feels awful."
"She should," I said back, loudly and pointedly.
"It's not her fault," Bella piped up weekly from my side. I was inclined to disagree.
"Let her make amends," Esme agreed. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."
I glared. I did not enjoy being ganged up on, especially by the few people who actually had a chance of convincing me. It would be so much easier if they would just allow me to hate Rosalie as she deserved.
"Please, Edward," Bella pleaded.
I'm sorry, Edward, so sorry, Rosalie thought. I didn't know. I didn't understand how much this all meant. There was no way for me to know that she was really alive. It was all a terrible mistake.
I sighed and continued toward the car. Let her beg forgiveness all she wanted, as long as she let me take Bella home.
I climbed into the back seat with Bella, purposely ignoring Rosalie and her apologetic glances. Bella leaned her head on my chest and appeared to have finally given in to exhaustion.
"Edward," Rosalie started, but I cut her off.
"I know," I said. And I did know. That didn't make it ok.
Rosalie turned. If you won't listen to me, maybe she will at least.
"Bella?" she asked tentatively.
Bella looked up, surprised. "Yes, Rosalie?"
"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me." I was surprised at this response. Rosalie had never liked Bella, and certainly never respected her. Now all of a sudden, gratitude hung off of every word she spoke.
"Of course, Rosalie," Bella responded vaguely. She seemed barely aware of what she was saying. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Or course I forgive you." She was far more generous than Rosalie deserved. Rosalie ought to take advantage of Bella's forgiveness because mine would not be so easily given.
Emmett laughed at Bella's mumbles. Humans, he thought. "It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose."
"I'm conscious," Bella argued faintly. If not for my heightened senses, it might have been difficult to hear her. She was almost out.
"Let her sleep," I said and everyone was silent.
Bella had finally given up and was asleep within minutes.
We remained relatively silent throughout the drive to Forks. Rosalie continued to broadcast her apologies and regrets with her mind, but I tuned out everything except for Bella.
Even if I couldn't hear every word, the anxiety was clear in Charlie's mind when our headlights flashed through his window in Forks. I began to brace myself, knowing that I'd have to let Bella go, even if it was only long enough to convince Charlie that I was really gone.
I gently lifted Bella and carried her up the driveway to her house. Charlie's anxiety turned into fury within seconds when he saw me. I couldn't blame him. It wasn't possible that he felt anything now that I hadn't felt myself in the past seven months.
"Bella!" he shouted to her as he ran forward. I mentally groaned. His anger was clouding his judgment. Even if he hated me, he would wake Bella, and she needed to rest.
"Charlie," she mumbled from my arms.
"Shh," I soothed. "It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep."
"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here," Charlie yelled. He was having difficulty deciding where to focus. Should he kill me, or see to Bella? His parental instincts won out as he heard Bella protest. Her voice was vague from sleep.
"What's wrong with her?" he growled at me. It was clear that he thought I must have drugged her.
"She's just very tired, Charlie," I whispered. "Please let her rest." Now was not the time for a much deserved rant from Charlie. He could at least wait until Bella was in her bed.
Charlie seemed to be having none of it. "Don't tell me what to do! Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"
I reluctantly tried to shift Bella into Charlie's arms, but she clung to me as though we were back in Italy and I was giving her up to Jane. Charlie glared at me as he tried to pry her off, as though I had something to do with it. Selfish as it was, I was glad she wouldn't let go. It was good to have some indication that she wanted me here.
"Cut it out, Dad," Bella snapped. "Be mad at me."
"You bet I will be," Charlie said, but at this point he was too mad at me for there to be any room for anger toward Bella. The fury rolled off of him in crashing waves. "Get inside."
"'Kay. Let me down," Bella said. In any other circumstance I would have ignored her, but for the sake of Charlie's health- I was certain he would have a heart attack if I ignored her wishes- I placed her feet tentatively on the ground. I kept my arms hovering around her and, of course, the moment she took a step she was heading straight for the driveway. She never stood a chance. I caught her lightly in my arms and turned to Charlie again.
"Just let me get her upstairs," I said. "Then I'll leave."
"No!" Bella began to lose it completely. She clutched at my neck as her heart sped.
I whispered reassuringly in her ear. "I won't be far." Never again.
"Get her inside," Charlie growled menacingly. "And then I want to talk to you." I was sure he didn't mean "talk".
I drifted past him and carried Bella up to her room. She was already asleep again. I pulled the covers up to her shoulders, left her with a kiss on the forehead, and headed out to face Charlie's anger. I braced myself. I couldn't hear his thoughts completely, but I knew his mind well enough to fill in most of the blanks. I could hear enough, and see a fair amount of images. If anyone knew what Bella had been through, it would be Charlie. And he was most certainly going to make sure I knew as well.
He was waiting for me in the living room, absolutely livid.
"How dare you show up here," he said. "How…what makes you…do you have any idea…" His voice broke off, unable to find the proper words for how much he hated me. I probably could have lent him a supply of my own.
"I'm sorry, Charlie," I said lamely. I didn't know what else I could say. No words could make up for this.
"Sorry? You think sorry will make this go away?"
"No," I whispered, more to myself than anything.
"Do you know what you did to her? You left her in pieces! She was devastated! First she goes missing, wandering around the forest looking for you. And then we find her, and it's worse than I could have ever imagined. I've never seen Bella that way, never. You just ask your sister. Months and months, and she still hasn't fully recovered from what you've done, and you just expect to walk back in here…" He stopped abruptly, too angry to continue.
I was frozen, stuck to a spot on the floor. Charlie's memories were only partially available to me, but even so they hit me with a force that nearly knocked me off my feet. Through the filter of his anguish, I could catch glimpses of Bella and faintly hear her repeating 'he's gone' over and over. I couldn't see all the details, but there was enough there to know that this was a Bella I had never seen. It was easy to see how Charlie couldn't find words to describe it. She truly did look broken.
And then there was a large portion of memories where she was just…nothing. It wasn't the Bella I loved. There were so many little things that she wasn't doing; it felt like I was watching some sort of horribly acted movie. This person was supposed to be Bella, but I didn't believe it. She looked as empty as I had felt. This was some actress trying so desperately to be Bella, but barely even succeeding at looking human.
I had done that?
Her hesitance toward me suddenly made perfect sense. Of course she would shy away from the type of pain I had caused. For some reason she didn't hate me as she should, but there was no way she could still love me.
"Do you have any idea what this will do to her?" Charlie finally managed to whisper when he had regained some composure.
"I didn't know…," I whispered.
"Then you're an idiot."
There was a long silence.
"Get out," he said finally. His voice was dangerously low. "And you are never to come back through that door again."
I nodded and turned to walked out, uncertain if I even deserved the opportunity to escape. If he'd had any chance at doing damage to me, I probably would have let Charlie take a swing.
It was clear to me that I didn't deserve Bella, but I couldn't bring myself to leave completely. I was too selfish for that, and I understood that now. I had deluded myself into thinking that I could force her to do what was best. I had been an idiot- like Charlie had said- to think that I could force Bella to do anything.
Charlie wanted me gone, and rightfully so, but how could I leave again when it had been such a disastrous mistake in the first place?
I walked through the front door, out into the overcast morning, not quite certain of what I should do. But I knew what I would do. And more importantly, what I wouldn't.
I would never leave her again.