Chapter Nine
It seemed that the day of the Hogsmeade trip came in the blink of an eye. I woke up at the same time I normally did, as well as went through the normal routine of stretching and showering, but I was currently standing indecisively in front of my trunk attempting to figure out what I should wear. It was a little chilly, being the middle of October in Scotland, so I knew I would need to wear my coat and a scarf in addition to gloves. I was currently debating between a black shirt with red lines in an interesting criss cross pattern or a soft, beige shirt. If I went with black and red, I'd wear my Gryffindor scarf - if I went with the beige shirt, I'd probably wear my dark blue scarf which would make my eyes look nicer.
Lily had told me the bloke she was getting to come shopping with us was in Ravenclaw, so I wasn't sure if wearing the blue scarf would make it seem as though I was trying too hard or if wearing the Gryffindor colors made me seem too into the House system. I sighed softly, rubbing the back of my neck and wondering not for the first time this morning why I was acting like such an idiot - I didn't even know who this guy was, why was I making such a big deal out of this?
Granted, I had only ever been on two other dates because of how low key I had been in my last life about my sexuality, so it was practically uncharted territory. I couldn't help overanalyzing and overthinking everything either, it was my natural stress response. What if he was a player, only interested in sex? What if he thought I was stupid? What if he told the entire school about me? These sort of questions had been running through my head since I had woken up an hour ago.
"Just pick one already." Sirius groaned, throwing his pillow at me but missing as it went wide.
"Did I wake you?" I asked softly, nervously chewing on my bottom lip. I hadn't meant to disrupt my roommates sleep, especially considering we had practice later today with the rest of the team.
"No, I have to pee." Sirius grumbled, standing up and stretching. He was clad in only pajama bottoms and the groan he let out as he stretched his back, hands raised above his head with his abdominal muscles drawn tight, was positively sinful in my mind. Sirius blearily stumbled to the bathroom and I shook my head to focus, knowing Lily was probably already waiting for me downstairs to go down to breakfast before we met up with the other two and went to Hogsmeade.
I still hadn't made a decision when Sirius came out and saw me standing in the same position, my eyes flickering from one shirt to the other and mentally making a pro's and con list for each article of clothing.
"Merlin, you're like a bloody girl." Sirius said, rolling his eyes and coming up beside me to look at the two options I had spread out on my bed. He was close enough that I could feel the warmth emanating from his arm and I could feel my face heating up slightly at the contact. Sirius looked over the clothes critically for a moment, looking from them to me, before finally pointing to the beige shirt and blue scarf. "Wear that. Grey jeans. Now go on your ickle date and don't be late for practice."
"Thanks." I said, grinning a little as he once again collapsed on his bed and pulled the blankets to cover his head in order to block the minimal sunlight filtering into the room through the window. Part of me wondered why he didn't just pull his curtains closed, something I had never seen him do curiously enough, but then I looked at the time.
I cursed to myself quietly, quickly throwing on a pair of grey jeans and the shirt/scarf combination Sirius had decided I should wear. I wore basic black gloves with a pair of black boots to finish everything off; I dashed around the room, picking up my wallet from my bedside table and then grabbing the pillow Sirius had tossed in my direction earlier. I gently tossed the pillow on top of Sirius' blanket covered self before heading down the spiral staircase only to come face to face with a mildly peeved Lily Evans.
"Of all the days you decide to be late." Lily muttered disgustedly, looking me over with an approving look on her face before all but shoving me through the portrait hole and down the stairs to the Great Hall. We walked into the Great Hall and almost instantly Mary McDonald, a rather petite girl with dark hair cut into a flattering pixie cut, was waving at both Lily and I.
Sitting next to Mary was a fair skinned, blonde bloke who easily towered over her. He had an easygoing smile on his face and when he saw Mary's wild gesturing, he turned slightly to see who she was greeting. I watched as his eyes gravitated to Lily first and then moved over to me, scanning up and down my body, ending with his eyes locked onto mine. The smile he had got just a little bigger when he saw me, which hopefully meant he liked what he saw, and I felt my stomach flop a little inside my body as we walked closer to where they were sitting at the Gryffindor table. I felt my already slightly frayed nerves flare up and I wondered to myself whether it was actually a good idea to be doing this so.. Publically.
Jordan Brennan stood up as we came up to the pair and I had to admit I kind of liked how tall he was, easily more so than both of the girls and myself. The top of my head came up to his chin and he had a nice, easygoing presence that calmed me down slightly. He wasn't gorgeous, with his skin just a little too pale and a slightly crooked nose that spoke of it being broken at one point, but he was certainly easy on the eyes. His long limbs had a gracefulness about them that surprised me considering a lot of people with his height would usually be lanky and at least mildly uncoordinated in appearance, but the way he carried himself showed off a natural athleticism and confidence.
"Hey, I'm Jordan." He greeted, sticking his hand out to grab my own in a firm handshake. His hands were kind of cold and I could feel the callouses on his hands that told me he was familiar with hard work.
"Jasper." I replied, smiling back at him and feeling myself relax a little bit, admittedly enjoying the way his hand all but swallowed my own. "Nice to meet you."
"You too." Jordan said, releasing my hand and sitting back down next to Mary. Lily had already sat on his other side, leaving a space between herself and Jordan that was obviously a not so subtle hint as to where I should sit. I sat on the bench and poured myself a goblet of water, putting a scoop of eggs and some toast on my plate before Jordan once again grabbed my attention. "So how are you enjoying Hogwarts so far?"
"It's very different from homeschooling." I said, half-heartedly chuckling and once again praying he didn't bring up why I transferred so I didn't have to skim over the truth. It wasn't something I was ready to talk about, even though I had confessed to Sirius only a few days ago that both my parents had died in front of me because of the Thestrals in Care of Magical Creatures. "I've enjoyed it immensely though. The teachers are spectacular and everyone had been very welcoming, which I'm grateful for. It also helps that the castle is amazing."
"Yeah, we are pretty lucky to attend Hogwarts." Jasper agreed, looking around the Great Hall. The ceiling was reflecting a mildly cloudy day and there were only a few students who were up this early, most choosing to sleep in a little on Saturday and just go to Hogsmeade later in the day much like the Marauder's. It was predominantly Third Years, who would be visiting the wizarding village for the first time, that were scattered throughout the hall murmuring excitedly.
"So what classes are you taking this year?" Jordan asked casually, leading us into a discussion about the classes all four of us were taking as well as the intended career path we were striving for. I discovered Jordan wanted to be a professional Quidditch player but wanted to be a Herbologist if he didn't make the cut. It was also the job he would want to do when, if he did make it on a pro Quidditch team, he retired from aforementioned team.
"That's practical of you." I complimented, my lips quirking upwards slightly at the well thought out plan - it seemed typical of a Ravenclaw almost.
"Yeah well, I can't get pounded by Quaffles for my entire life, right?" Jordan responded, chuckling a little bit. "What career are you aiming for?"
"I want to become an Auror." I told him, taking a drink of water from the goblet in front of my plate.
Jordan snorted in amusement, causing my eyebrows to raise and exchange a quick glance with Lily who looked as bewildered as I felt faced with Jordan's response. "You're joking, right?"
"Absolutely not." I said firmly, feeling a flood of indignation, anger, and a small bit of embarrassment rising like a monsoon inside me. "Why would I be joking?"
"I mean, Auror's are - y'know, scary? You're just so small, I couldn't see you facing down a dark wizard." Jordan admitted, his lips twitching as though he was fighting a smile from forming on his face.
"Well it's a good thing I wasn't planning on wrestling them in order to detain them." I responded dryly, trying to keep my cool. I wouldn't let this bother me and cloud my judgement of him, everyone had flaws - even if his blaring flaw currently was basically mocking my chosen career path.
"You know Professor Flitwick is a dueling champion, one of the best duelers around I've heard, and he is shorter than most." Lily piped in, her green eyes slightly narrowed. I knew from personal experience that Lily hated, more than even James Potter, was people saying others couldn't do something for stupid reasons - for example, for being too short or being a woman.
"True." Jordan agreed easily, making my shoulders relax a little as I felt he was most likely going to apologize or retract the statement with his next words. "Even being an amazing duelist, I figure there is a reason he's a teacher and not an Auror."
"Personal preference, most likely." I said stiffly, my fuse quickly shortening the more Jordan implied I wouldn't be a good Auror based on my stature. I wasn't even that short, there were plenty of girls who were smaller than I am most likely already currently working as Auror's.
"Getting of the subject a little here, but does anyone have any idea what they are going to buy for the costumer party this year?" Mary interjected, noticing both Lily's and my own growing ire and trying to smooth everything over. "I don't have a good idea yet - I was thinking maybe a cute fairy?"
"I'm going as a vampire, I think." Jordan said, easily switching the conversation. It annoyed me that it seemed as though he hadn't realized that he had, from my perspective at least and most likely Lily's as well, just put his foot in his mouth only moments ago but I decided to let it go. Sometimes you just needed to let things roll of your shoulders - it was too soon to pass judgement on Jordan based off of only that conversation.
"I was probably going to go as a Gypsy." Lily said, her tone still a little more reserved than usual but obviously willing to look over the metaphorical bump in conversation as well.
"I honestly have no idea." I admitted, causing the three sitting with me to laugh at my sheepish expression as I was left to rub the back of my neck. "I was hoping something might just pop out to me."
"We'll find you something." Lily promised, patting my hand consolingly.
"You could always be my victim whose blood I've drained." Jordan suggested, winking at me with a smile plastered on his face. It was meant to be a funny, joking comment but my mind couldn't help but think that he once again was basically saying I was weak - that a suitable role for me was a victim, someone who could never duel a dark wizard. I wished Jordan was in the same year as us, Sixth instead of his Seventh, simply so he could have seen me duel in our Defense lessons. Better yet would have been if I had been able to duel him in the lesson.
"In your dreams." I remarked, an admittedly strained smile on my face in response. This wasn't going as well as I had hoped it would, to be honest, but the day was still young. "Maybe a dragon or something awesome."
"You're ridiculous." Lily commented fondly, shaking her head at me. We filled the rest of breakfast with stories about previous Halloween's and costumes, starting with the most embarrassing costume we had ever worn to the, in our opinion, most awesome one.
The conversation went far smoother than the rather rocky start would have led me to believe it would have and I was so engaged with the other three that I hardly noticed when we stood from the table and began to make our way to Hogsmeade.
Waiting for us outside of the front gates of Hogwarts was a carriage, pulled by Thestrals, and I was interested to see that Jordan was actually the only one of us who couldn't see them. It was something you could just tell, even though it wasn't brought up, because Lily's, Mary's, and my own eyes were drawn to the decidedly creepy looking horses intimidating figure whereas Jordan's eyes passed right over them, uninterested and unseeing.
As we all filed into the carriage, Lily and Mary sitting on one side while Jordan and I took the other, the conversation turned into everyone divulging what they had done this past summer in between the previous and current school year. I shifted uncomfortably when the attention was on me, saying that I just stayed home and relaxed, and I was thankful no one seemed to notice my strange behavior.
"Finally!" Mary cheered as the carriage came to a jolting stop and before I knew it she was eagerly climbing out the door quickly followed by Lily. I gestured for Jordan to go first and restrained a laugh when I saw him trip a little on the thin step connected to the carriage for people of shorter stature to use in case they needed assistance entering or exiting. He saw my lips quirking upwards and playfully scowled at me, bumping his shoulder against mine in a familiar way as we walked along the main street of the wizarding village.
"So, shopping first or butterbeer?" Lily asked, eyes bright with anticipation and nose red from the cold.
"Shopping." I voted nonchalantly, wanting my first taste of butterbeer to be one of the last things I experienced today. I hoped that I enjoyed the drink considering how much everyone raved about it, but I kept in mind how I felt about pumpkin juice when it seemed incredibly popular as well. The others quickly agreed and Mary led the our small group to what looked like a genuine costume shop - making me wonder if this was purely for Halloween or was this a year around establishment?
The bell above the door rang as we walked inside the well-lit building, eyes widening as we took in the many racks of various costumes inside. The next couple of hours were dedicated to finding, in the two girls own words, 'the perfect costumes'. While shopping was normally just a tedious necessity for me, the company I was with made the experience far less boring as we all tried on some of the more ridiculous costumes we could find, trying to outdo one another instead of attempting to locate the costumes we had set out to find.
It had started with Mary coming into view with magenta robes on, a long white beard that did hilariously enough remind me quite a bit of our esteemed Headmaster's own beard, as well as half moon spectacles to complete the ensemble. Jordan, Lily, and I burst into laughter as seeing her and that led to Lily trying on a disgustingly realistic flobberworm costume.
Jordan then put on a bowtruckle costume, which honestly didn't look too bad because he had the long limbs to pull it off. I found a self-proclaimed 'sexy' Genie costume that I tried on, causing Lily and Mary to clutch their sides in laughter when they saw the ridiculously skimpy top that went along with the puffy pants. Jordan chuckled as he looked me over as well but his normally lighter blue eyes darkened a little as they scanned my exposed torso. I smiled a little to myself in satisfaction because of the Ravenclaw Keeper's reaction, which both Lily and Mary seemed to have noticed as well, but jumped as I was properly chastised by the store owner for wearing a costume that I wasn't going to buy and was for another gender.
After being scolded, we became slightly more serious about searching for costumes. Lily found her Gypsy costume first, which honestly looked like one of those fortune tellers at a carnival 'or the future Divination teacher, Professor Trelawney' I thought to myself and mentally snickered at the apt comparison. Mary found a cute fairy costume which was green themed, reminding me vaguely of Tinkerbell, and even purchased the wings that slowly moved back and forth on their own after you tapped them with a wand to activate them.
Jordan found a dark cloak with a high collar, the fake vampire teeth, and also purchased an absurd amount of fake blood. I was having a little trouble finding a costume but it was Lily who eventually found the one I wanted to get - which I actually kept a secret from both Mary and Jordan so as to make it a surprise come the Halloween party.
Satisfied with our various purchases, we made our way to Honeydukes in order to purchase some candy. I decided to purchase some sugar quills and a rather large block of chocolate after wandering throughout the store, amazed by the various sweets on display and for sale. The next stop after that was a small, slightly dusty store called Tomes and Scrolls where Lily had dragged us with her so she could purchase new parchment and a nicer quill specifically for note taking.
"I cannot believe you just paid that much for a bloody quill." I teased Lily, not even flinching as she swatted me on the arm.
"It's worth it - this is only for taking notes, so it'll last longer without long essays or anything extensive." Lily retorted, defending her reasoning for purchasing the quill. "Maybe I should get one for tests as well.."
"No!" I exclaimed, practically shaking as fought to restrain myself from cackling in the street like a psychopath. "That's what they want you to do, it's how it starts until one day those expensive quills are the only utensil you will write with!"
"He's right, you totally don't need another one." Mary agreed, smiling as she got a little closer to leech off of Lily's body heat. As we were walking, I felt Jordan's handing bumping into mine quite a few times until finally I just used my pinky finger to intertwine with his own, the two of us basically holding hands as we walked down the street.
At this point, I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about Jordan really. He was charming, fairly good-looking, intelligent, and athletic which were all great things in his favor. However, every time I thought about wanting to kiss him or even as he has his pinky finger wrapped around my own, my mind keeps flashing back to how easily he had dismissed my career choice. That was absolutely a huge turn off and I don't think I could be with someone who doesn't support my goals for the future; in fact, not only doesn't support them but openly ridiculed them over breakfast.
"Lily-flower!" called out the one voice that made Lily instantly waspish. There was no one that could get under Lily Evans skin quite like James Potter, who was coming from the direction of Zonko's, the joke shop our little group had been heading towards. The other Marauder's, minus Peter, were casually strolling behind James, who had sped up slightly in his eagerness to see his crush, and I watched as his eyes narrowed behind his glasses after taking in our group.
James welcoming expression quickly turned into an icy, dismissive one as he observed the four of us. His glare was directed mainly towards me, which was honestly confusing as hell because I don't think I had done anything to make him angry recently. "Are you four here together?"
"Yeah, we were just heading to Zonko's." Jordan replied, smiling amicably at James and either not noticing or ignoring his chilly disposition. The way he stressed the word together is what made me realize why he was so ticked off - he thought this was a double-date, which meant he thought I had gone back on my word by either not dating Lily myself or trying to get her to date him.
"It's not like that though James." I said, giving him a pointed look and watching as he blinked owlishly at me instead of glaring. By now, the other Marauders had all caught up to their more exuberant friend and were standing casually around him after greeting us with waves or murmured hello's.
"So, you're not on a date?" James asked, confusion prominent in his voice as well as his body language.
"No."
"Yes."
I looked at Jordan, feeling my face heat up as red most likely creeped up onto my cheeks making both sides of my face match my most likely Rudolph red nose. Now James and Jordan were both confused and staring at me, leaving me unsure of what to say - I didn't want Sirius, James, or Peter to know I was gay if I could help it. I wasn't sure how they would take it, especially considering we were on the same Quidditch team and shared a locker room.
My eyes darted to meet Remus', who was looking at me with sympathy and understanding in his own amber eyes, before my dark blue eyes moved to lock onto Lily's emerald green orbs. Something in my expression must have been pleading for her to say something and take the pressure off of me because Lily did speak up after letting out a deep, controlled breath.
"Jordan and Jasper are on a date while Mary and I are just hanging out. We are hanging out together, but it's kind of like a 'get-to-know-you' date thing that Mary and I set up between them, hence why we are also here." Lily explained, glancing around awkwardly when no one said anything.
I know Jordan felt my entire body tense after Lily dropped that bomb on my roommates and I winced, knowing the cat was out of the bag. Sirius and James had obviously just heard what Lily said, Remus already had known, and Peter was off doing something else but I had no doubts he would know by tonight. I watched as James' eyes darted from Lily, to me, to Jordan, down to our hands which were still interconnected, and then back to me before settling at the point where my hand was connected to Jordan's. I looked up at Sirius, afraid to see his reaction, but found that the normally expressive face was closed off and unreadable at the moment. I shifted awkwardly on my feet, removing my hand from Jordan's and causing James to look back up at me with an incredibly shocked look on his face and his eyes opened as wide as I had ever seen them.
"Well, congratulations you two. Hope your date goes well." Remus finally said to the both of us, ignoring the awkward silence that had descended. "We'll see the four of you later!"
Remus tugged on James arm, making sure he began to slowly move away and then pinching him in order for him to say a muttered farewell. I watched as Sirius' closed off expression seemingly evaluated me but gave no hints as to what the dark-haired man was thinking. Sirius didn't even bothering saying anything as he brushed past Jordan and I, not sparing us a second glance, and that was when I felt as if someone had put a lot of lead weights into my stomach. My words were stuck in my throat, the scene that had just happened already replaying itself over and over again in my mind while I overanalyzed it and thought about the reactions on my two friends faces.
"Jasper?" Jordan said, shaking my shoulder and snapping out of my daze to realize that Jordan, Mary, and Lily were all looking at me expectantly. Wordlessly I opened and closed my mouth, shaking my head, and wondering if I was even going to be on the Quidditch team in a couple of hours. Jordan was eyeing me with a disappointed look in his eyes mixed with pity and determination. "Look, you're a great bloke and you are really fit. I just can't be with someone who acts the way you do about people seeing PDA, treating it is like a secret. So, thanks for the good time today, it was great getting to know you three better, but I think I'm going to head back to Hogwarts."
I watched as Jordan walked away without another word, head held high and shoulders squared, not ashamed of a single bone in his body and confident in a way I want to be one day. I finally cleared my throat and got rid of the feeling of a golf ball being lodged in my throat. "Lily?"
"Yeah, Jasper?" Lily asked tentatively, her voice a mixture of comforting and apologetic with only a tiny amount of pity.
"Did he just basically make me come out to my friends and then say it wasn't enough?" I asked, wanting to make sure I got the gist of what had just happened.
"Jasper.." Lily said, trailing off unsurely and shifting her weight from one foot to the other while exchanging helpless looks with Mary.
"I can't believe this is my life." I said, walking numbly over to the wall of some random building and leaning against it, slowly sliding down so that my knees were being hugged to my chest by my arms. My head fell back with a resounding 'thunk' as I tilted it back to look up at the sky, wondering what was going to happen to me now.