Kero sat in the counseling room with the warm drink in her hands. She looked at the lid, idly running the fingers around it. She had yet to take a sip from it. Many thoughts crossed her mind. The mission, her father, and also... Suddenly she felt like someone was pinching her throat and she had to fight hard to stay composed.
When did I became such a whiny p'taq?
Yet she hadn't said a word. She had no idea where to start. The counsellor had made her feel the safest she had felt in months when they were in the turbolift. Yet all the other feelings were intent on overpowering that.
The counselor had picked up a mug of tea from the same replicator, so she sat at a comfortable, non-confrontational angle and took a brief sip. When the silence had gone on for a bit, she decided to prompt.
"When did you get back to station, Captain? How have you passed the most recent days?"
Kero made herself more comfortable in her seat and wriggled a little so she could lay an arm on the back of the sofa, which allowed her to glance at the window if she desired. Her legs crossed and her other hand on top of her knee. The Captain preferred skirts usually but since she got back she only wore trousers.
She spent some time looking around while thinking what to say and admired the Andorian tapestry hanging behind Katriel's desk. Katriel must really like their culture. Kero would ask about it one day, maybe at the bar, during some R&R. There was also another tapestry with what seemed to be a weaving of DS 13. All in all, the office looked very much like the Voyager's ready room.
"About... A week ago? I was on an assignment along the Klingon border." She smiled mildly.
"I actually picked up a couple of Andorians for that mission." She finally took a sip from her cup, which was still hot.
"I have been on leave since. I'm on leave for a while yet. I have spent most of the time in the holo deck really, and well, you saw me at the bar the other day."
The Captain took a deep breath.
"I've been meaning to write a report about the mission."
Tell her.
"It's just been really difficult because every time I start..."
I've got to tell her.
Kero's gaze blanked out for a moment.
"Anyway to answer your question, this is what I've been doing... Aside from acting like a spineless p'taq."
And you are being so right now by drowning in it all, rather than trying to face it. Tell her.
Kero was angry. She appeared to be angry at herself, angry at someone else... Frustrated. She looked at Katriel to find some strength. She always counted on her own strength alone. She never needed anybody else, but she felt that her "strength" had somewhat betrayed her and didn't know what to do now.
"I was trying to find out some information about someone... And then..." She stopped and clenched her fist.
"This will sound stupid, but I need to ask you a favour Katriel." She paused. "And I'd like to drop the ranks for this because I am a little tired of the Starfleet structure. I want a break for a little bit."
Kero swallowed.
"Anyway the favour I wanted to ask was... I need to be believed. I tire of interrogations... About my father, whether I'm some Klingon agent... I was interrogated during my last mission."
Kero wasn't quite sure how to formulate the request. "I want to talk to you. I-I can't do this alone anymore. But if I hold back, I just need the strength, I am not trying to hide anything... Please believe that."
The half-Klingon's lips quivered.
Katriel's expression broke from its characteristic stillness transformed into a smile. "Kero. That is not a difficult favor at all. I'm here to listen and I'll believe you. And I know silence is not always about hiding things."
Kero felt relaxed by the assurance and her posture also relaxed as the result.
"Okay..." She started, "What do you know about my father, have you read my files?"
Katriel shook her head. "Only a brief skim. He was Klingon, that's the extent of my familiarity."
The Captain began to fidget with her cup. "He was sent in by Starfleet Intelligence as an undercover agent in the Klingon Empire." She paused for a moment. "He disappeared, long story short one of the theories was that he was a traitor."
Kero looked at the window. Outside, the stars were still and silent, some blinked, some were steady. Their tranquil aura was in starch contrast with how the half-Klingon felt within. "The problem is that I got all the attention because of that..." Kero's tone of voice was subdued, another contrast with her usual loud and joyful attitude, "In my mission I went and tried to erm... Find out more about him."
Katriel nodded a little. "Understandable." Silence ensued again. "Do you mind... how long ago did he vanish?" Katriel pursued.
"Not long after the war started." Kero turned her eyes to the cup again without offering any more information.
"All right. Please, continue." Prompted Katriel.
The half-Klingon obliged, reluctantly, "I... I found him, in a Klingon ship that was attacked by the Breen. Katriel, I have yet to report this properly to Starfleet..." Kero spoke quickly, before the counselor could react, "Although Intelligence questioned me thoroughly about it."
"No one will be inquiring with me, if that is what your concern is." Was the Betazoid's response.
Kero's eyes wandered again in a different direction, this time they were pointed at the floor. Feelings of betrayal and loss pervaded her. She wondered if the counselor could perceive them. Those feelings were not directed at her father however.
"I will write that report just as soon as I..."
Katriel waited, watching her quietly.
Kero's eyebrows furrowed. "Why can I not rid myself of this?"
The Commander responded promptly, "It takes time."
After a few moments the Captain decided to offer a better explanation, "Intelligence kept asking me about connections with the Klingon and the Orion Syndicate. I didn't understand why they asked me about the latter, at first. They kept digging and digging... – she continued – even brought some telepaths in the interrogation."
The Captain paused and looked somewhat embarrassed, "You might have noticed I was... well... I was... trying to avoid you."
The counselor responded, "... Perhaps a bit. But I'm used to that."
Kero smiled. "I bet." She took a sip from her cup, which was getting cold. "Eventually they named Shiala." The half-Klingon placed the cup on the little table on the side of the sofa before continuing, "Shiala is... was... – she struggled – Shiala was..."
The Captain hit the sofa with her fist, "I am NOT going to cry again like a little child."
Katriel pursed her lips. "Crying is not only for children, Kero."
Kero Elan looked at Katriel with a somewhat fiery expression, almost ready to throw at her that "Klingon pride" she always hid behind. "I am sorry, you don't need any of this." She looked away.
Katriel almost exhaled a chuckle. "It's ... fine. I should apologize as well. I'm less accustomed to working with Klingons ... or partial Klingons. For humans, at least crying can be therapeutic."
Kero paused for a moment. Actually she thought Katriel had done a great job so far. It was her demeanour that gave Kero the opportunity to share some of that burden. The counselor was not pushy but she guided. She wasn't invasive but gentle and listened. That made Kero want to talk to her.
"Truth is I hate 'being Klingon'." The Captain said, finally. "I don't know why I act as if I am all proud. It ruined my life – her voice began to break up – it ended Shiala's." She exhaled heavily, really trying to hold back.
Katriel 's head tilted a bit. "It's natural, though, pride. All sentients exhibit it."
The Captain's tone of voice assumed a shade of anger. "It's stupid, if you lose your lover because of it."
And I just admitted that she was my lover, good move…
Kero arced an eyebrow and looked at Katriel with resignation, "Not like you didn't figure that out already." After a moment she continued, "Can you 'read' everything people think?"
Katriel 's response was prompt. "No, definitely not. Unless they're specifically attempting to get me to hear it. I'm a fairly average example of Betazoid telepathy, but ... I grew up around mostly non-telepaths, so it's always been a practice of mine to try not to listen, when possible."
"Good, at least you won't see all the kinky details when I think of Shiala." Kero chuckled, surprisingly. Katriel's presence was just very reassuring.
The counselor smirked faintly. "As for pride and relationships... perhaps it can be a serious inhibitor, but I'm not certain you mean the same as what I think."
Kero shook her head, "No, it isn't what I mean. And, jokes aside, I am not sure I'd like you to see this. It's just too..." she swallowed again and tried to hide her watery eyes by looking at her shoes.
"I don't have to see." The counselor countered, "But ... have you spoken to anyone about it before?"
The Captain remained silent and lost control of her tears.
Katriel glance ventured towards the tissue box that was sitting right there on the siding, next to a funny looking vase. "I see. How long ago was this?"
Kero's mind was flailing again, trying to stay on top of it all and failing. She had lost control once more and she had no idea how to regain it.
"I lost her about four years ago." The Captain barely managed to say, "She was ripped from my arms. Two men... they came out of nowhere." The words came out with great difficulty in between the tears.
Katriel reached to nudge the tissue box just a little.
Kero was reluctant with the tissue, her pride was telling her she could regain control at any time. But eventually gave up and grabbed it.
"Take your time." Said the counselor.
"I am a whiny kid. There you have it. I cannot control myself." Retorted the half-Klingon. "Regardless... it's all my fault. She is not here because of me, I should have been the one to lie lifeless on that beach."
"Why do you say that?" Inquired the Betazoid.
"Because I allowed my Klingon impulsiveness to act in a way that got her shot. They were on top of us. I... it's disgusting."
Katriel was silent for a moment. "It is ... easy to assign ourselves blame for an incident after it has passed."
Kero found even breathing very difficult. She threw the tissue on the sofa. "I am sorry counselor, I am not worth your time." She added overwhelmed once again by that feeling of loss and betrayal.
The counselor set her mug atop the shelving, nicely out of the way, before she moved forward to carefully place a hand on Kero's arm, if she permitted it. "Nonsense. That's the first stupid thing you've said."
Kero completely swallowed her independence and pride and grabbed hold of the counselor's hand in search of support. "They tried to have their way." She continued, "I... felt him and I cannot forgive myself for what I am going to say. I am ashamed." Kero wept uncontrollably. "I found it somewhat... agreeable. But I swear to you, and I hope you can see this in my mind, I hated it.
Katriel sat next to the woman in distress, "I understand."
Kero felt very insecure – she was ashamed and really wanted reassurance from someone else that she wasn't lying to herself, "Please tell me you can see it... I hated it... I did."
Katriel's tone was firm. "Sexuality is a complicated matter, but one thing about it is very simple. What one's body finds agreeable is not necessarily the same as what the mind does, and it's what you say up here that matters." Katriel pointed up to Kero's head.
The Captain said nothing as she heard Katriel's words echo in her head.
Katriel's tone was a little gentler. "Understand?"
Kero nodded slowly. "I find it very hard to forgive myself for it." She paused. "And for what I did after."
The counselor wasn't going to let that destructive thought continue, "You must continue to try… To forgive yourself, I mean. What ... happened after?"
The Captain squeezed Katriel's hand, as if lost in her own world and the only thing that kept her into the real one was Katriel. "When my mind had caught up with all that was going on, I reached out for his weapon and managed to grab it off him. I hadn't considered that Shiala had a weapon aimed at her head. All I could hear was her calling my name, and all I could smell was him."
Katriel gently returned the hand-squeeze while the Captain talked. "I was so repulsed... I didn't want Shiala to keep feeling that way either. I shot the man who was on top of me." Kero frowned. "I heard another shot straight after. Do you see? It's my fault. All of it."
The counselor replied promptly, "It is not your fault. You could not have predicted what would occur. And even now, you cannot look back and say with any certainty that the results could have been any different."
Kero managed to achieve a brief moment of stillness in her mind, trying to take in what Katriel had just said. "I was okay – she drew quotes in the air with her fingers – with this until Starfleet Intelligence brought it back up. They kept asking me what my relationship was, I didn't understand why they would want to know the details. I never told them about this incident though, so they thought I was hiding something." The Captain looked slightly more in control. She turned her gaze to the counselor. "They told me she was an Orion Syndicate spy."
Katriel stared back at Kero sympathetically. "Do you believe that?"
Kero noded. "When I wouldn't budge, they showed me evidence of messages she sent, right from my own ship. It was quite the cover up on her part."
"I'm sorry." Said the counselor. "I'm sure that doesn't make any of it easier to bear."
"I am proud and stupid and guillable." The Captain ranted. "And a crybaby."
Stop doing that to yourself Kero.
Katriel pursed her lips. "You are none of these things. But ... give it some time, to convince yourself."
"I just feel like I have this fight in me."
Katriel tilted her head, sitting back a bit to eye her. "Because you already know how to move forward, I think. Just that it's difficult."
Kero gave the counselor a look of realisation.
Maybe I do have more control on this than I thought, after all.
"Would you help me, Katriel?"
"What would you like me to do?"
"Just remind me from time to time, that... perhaps it couldn't have happened differently. Because I seem to have enough energy to do myself in... but not to get out of this."
Katriel inclined her head. "I can do that, certainly. But you have to promise me that you'll do the same, when you remember it."
Kero hesitated a little. "I will try."
"... I am doing it again, aren't I?" She said after a short pause.
"Time. It takes time." Katriel repeated. "And ... to be honest, I don't think it will ever fully go away."
The Captain breathed in deeply again. "Katriel I know it's your job, it's what you do and all that. But I don't think I would have been able to be open about this with anyone else."
The counselor smiled just a little. "I'm grateful that you would trust me with this, then. I know it's difficult to speak about."
"It feels like I started a long journey..." – Uttered the Captain in a hushed tone.
"They say... a journey of a thousand steps must start with one." The counselor replied.
Kero grinned, "Andorians?"
Katriel smirked faintly. "Possibly? They do seem to say the wisest things."