"You okay?" Kevin had spent the last five minutes watching his buddy. Adam hadn't been himself in a long time, but it was way the Adam was sitting had him on edge.

He was still. Motionless.

Still was not s word in Ruzek's vocabulary.

Adam's head was bowed and he appeared to staring at his hands, when Kevin peered over Adam's shoulder he saw it. It took his breath away and he felt it in the pit of his stomach.

It was something that Adam didn't have on display and Kevin was certain he was only one who knew it was in the desk. The last year had brought so much joy and grief, Kevin had never felt so many conflicting emotions.

It was intense, to be so unbelievably happy and heartbroken at the same time was exhausting but what did him in most days was the guilt.

Adam slipped it in the drawer, "Huh? What?" The tears slowly receded, he'd become quite skilled at forcing the tears away.

"You looked a thousand miles away, Adam" Kevin moved to sit on the edge of the desk, pushing a photo of Kim and Milo to the side a bit, "How's Milo?"

Adam grabbed the photo, "Good. Fully embracing the idea of being a three year old" his third birthday just a few weeks away.

"How's Kim?" Kevin asked.

How his heart broke for her, she had been so happy. They all had been, it had been such a cruel twist of fate. One that he would never understand.

"Okay." Adam replied, he started rifling through the stack of files on his desk.

A clear indication that he was done talking.

Kevin smiled at the state of the living room, baby dolls strewn from one corner of the room to the other. He never knew an fifteen month old could cause so much destruction, but she could and she did.

He could hear their giggles in the kitchen, "Daddy's home!" He called out from the doorway, "Can I get in on this?"

He found Kara and sweet Kiana or KiKi as she was usually called sitting at the table eating ice cream right out of the carton.

Kevin laughed when KiKi shook her head vigorously, it was clear she was her mother's child and wasn't going to share her ice cream.

Kara got up and hugged him, "Baby, I love you but you're not having my ice cream" she went to wash her hands "How was work?"

"Alright. You talk to Kim?"

He rested his head on the steering wheel taking a few deep breaths, hoping to steady himself a bit. His house was a powder keg most days, but as it loomed closer it had only gotten worse.

He never knew what he would walk into and somedays he wanted to keep on driving and never look back, he'd never do it though. He couldn't leave them, Kim and Milo were his world. He hated feeling like this, he hated gasping for air when he'd wake up in the morning and he'd realize it wasn't a dream. He hated the burn in his chest when he'd hear Kim crying her eyes out in the shower. He hated seeing Kim clutching the blanket to her chest trying to breathe in the scent of their sweet little baby girl.

He hated hearing Milo ask over and over again for his 'sissy', he had loved that little girl from the minute he had laid eyes on her, and he didn't understand any of it.

Adam didn't either.

"Look mama!" Milo teetered precariously on the bottom step of the deck, he was neck deep in a dinosaur phase, "I a t-wex! Wawr !" He did his best roar and shortened his arms as best he could.

Kim laughed a bit, "Oh! Very scary Milo." She knew he was the only reason she was able to get up each morning, he was her reason for living.

"No be scared Mama, t-wexes not eat them's mamas just wittle dinos" he climbed in her lap, "you sad?"

He was an intuitive little boy, and had the sweetest heart. Kim wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "I am, baby."

"Me too...I miss sissy." He picked a toy car up from the deck, spinning the back wheels with his finger as he spoke, "I'm sad." He often told them he was sad, but it was never out of the blue, it was only when either Kim or Adam were visibly upset. The rest of the time it was very out of sight out of mind, for Milo.

The house was spotless, and that was his clue that it had been a rough day. When the house was immaculate it was because Kim needed something to do. Cleaning had become a bit of a coping mechanism for her, and the state of their house was always an indicator of how she was doing.

Today was obviously not a good day, he was expecting it though they had just had a string of good days. Almost normal days, he knew that had to end.

It had.

"I did." Kara replied to Kevin, "I tried to get her to come out to lunch with me and KiKi but she said Milo wasn't feeling well and he was napping." She leaned against the counter, enjoying the sight of KiKi trying to feed Kevin a few spoonfuls of ice cream.

Kevin wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, "Adam was pretty down today too." He reached over and kissed KiKi's head, "I don't know how he does it." He grabbed a beer from the fridge, "I look at KiKi and I can't help but think of Lucy. Our girls were supposed to grow up together.." he paused, "..it's just not right."

His daughter's life lasted three weeks.

Three fucking weeks.

They had been a family of four for three fucking weeks.

21 days.

Their sweet little Lucy had given them 21 blissful days.

She was beautiful, her little head was perfectly shaped, unlike her big brother whose head had been a bit cone shaped. Her eyes were big and brown, Adam found himself drowning in them when he held her. She was a carbon copy of her mother and Adam was smitten with her.

As he made his way to the back of the house he stopped in front of the nursery, the door had been closed since that day. Neither him or Kim had been able to step foot in their little girl's bedroom. He placed his hand on the door for a brief moment before continuing outside.

He could see Kim and Milo both sitting together, Milo was obviously deep in a story of some sort. He was animated as he spoke, not unlike Adam. It was fun to watch the little guy go, his mouth moved a hell of a lot faster than his brain could which meant the stories often spun out into a thousand different directions.

Thank god for Milo.

Adam was terrified to think of where'd they be without him.

They had one picture of Milo holding Lucy and it was their most prized possession, that and the picture of the four of them together. Adam's favorite was the one of Kim holding Lucy in her arms.

They had almost turned down the newborn photo shoot that Erin had bought for them. It had to be done within days of being sent home from the hospital and the idea of having a guest over so soon was not appealing.

Erin had talked Kim into it and even came over to help out, and Adam was forever grateful.

Had they not listened they wouldn't have such beautiful family photos.

He stopped just before he hit the french doors that led to the backyard, a flash of lavender having caught his eye. He kneeled down and grabbed it from just under the couch, it was Lucy's little bear blanket.

It was soft as silk and it knocked him on his ass.

Milo must've found it.

He hadn't seen it since that day.

"I can't believe you're going back to work" Kim whined from the bed as Adam was getting dressed, "it's so early"

Adam buttoned his jeans, "I know. I want to go over the case notes...I want to know what we're dealing with." He had only been out a few weeks, but the case they had caught was a big one, "you'll send me pictures of the kids...right?"

Kim smiled, "Kids. I love that." She was head over heels in love with him and their children, they're life was perfect, "I will. I'm really going to miss you.."

Adam sat on the edge of the bed, "Not as much as I will miss you..I will try and sneak away for a bit..maybe around lunchtime."

"Perfect. We will be waiting."

He never saw his daughter alive again, he didn't make it to lunch.

His world was shattered just moments after the sun had risen.

Trudy escorted the patrol officers upstairs, their faces grim. Trudy was in a state of disbelief and shock. Surely, they had gotten it wrong.

"Umm..where's Adam?" Trudy looked around the bullpen, everyone but Adam present.

"Taking a piss.." Jay announced, "What'd he do now?"

Erin got up from her desk, the look in Platt's eyes had chilled her to the bone, "Shut up Jay. Trudy, what is it? Is everything okay?"

Trudy shook her head, afraid to open her mouth, "Adam. I need Adam." She finally forced out, watching as Al got up and went to get him.

The two patrol officers hung back in a quiet corner, no one wanting to bear witness to what was about to go down.

Adam felt his blood run cold, "Tell me." He had busted Al's balls a bit on the walk over from the bathroom, but now he was scared shitless.

The officer stepped forward, "EMS responded to a call at your residence about twenty minutes ago..."

Adam felt his knees buckle, Al's arms grabbed on to him, "W-what is wrong?" It took all he had to form those three little words.

"Let's go." The officer replied.

"Come on, kid. I'm coming with." Al told him as he started to propel Adam towards the stairs.

"Me too." Trudy replied, "You stay and fill them in." She told one of the officers, "Someone will run you back to your district."

The young officer nodded his head.

Nothing would've prepared Adam for what they found at his house, nothing at all.

Adam sprinted across the yard and charged through the door, Milo was screaming and red faced in the arms of a paramedic. He grabbed his boy and smothered him with kisses and held him close.

His relief was short lived, as he went further in he was nearly swallowed whole by his fear.

He felt someone take Milo from him and he stumbled towards Kim who sat on the floor cradling their baby girl. He dragged his eyes away from Kim and looked around at the numerous people in his house, some he recognized others he didn't. The same look on all of their faces, a few tried to hide their tears.

He saw them.

He knew.

"Lucy, baby. Open your eyes!" Kim pleaded, "please Lucy, do it for mommy..please baby" she wailed, clutching the lifeless body to her bosom, "Lucy!" She screamed, her pain was palpable and it was gut wrenching.

Adam sat down beside her, "Kim..." he wrapped his arms around her, "Lucy..." his voice cracked, tears slipped from his eyes, "..she's gone..baby. Lucy's gone." He gently touched her face, the warmth had already left her body and his heart fell from his chest, broken beyond repair.

Kim finally looked at him, fury and rage danced in her eyes, "No!" She punched his chest, pushing him away, "She's tired! Just give her a minute..you'll see.." she kissed the baby's cheek, "Lucy..please..Lucy..baby.." she sobbed, burying her face in the infants neck.

Adam did the only thing he could do, he held her.

It had been agonizing to allow the medical examiner to take her.

"No!' Adam shouted when the ME came in with the unnaturally small body bag, "No fucking way!" He yelled as Kevin restrained him. "Don't you put my baby in that.."

Kevin fought his own tears, his little girl just a few weeks older, "Adam...come on let's go sit down..come on."

Adam broke free and pushed the ME away from the baby, "She's my little girl. I'm her father...I will do it." He gently lifted her in his arms, carefully cradling her head. "Daddy's sorry.." he sobbed, he slowly walked her out of the house.

Gabby opened the ambulance door, chewing on the inside of her cheek, "I will take it from here, Adam. Let me have Lucy." Her voice wobbled, "Let me do this for you and Kim. I will stay with her..I promise."

Reluctantly Adam handed Lucy over to his friend, he could hear Kim's guttural sobs behind him, Milo calling for him. He kissed Lucy's head, "I love you..." he stumbled backwards, landing in Al's arms.

He had lived in a fog for weeks on end after that day, he and Kim both. His father had been a life saver coming to stay with them. He may not have been a very hands on dad when Adam was a kid but he was going his best to make up for it now.

When Bob wasn't able to be around, Nicole and her husband stayed with them.

Milo had been confused and acted out, Kim was zombie like. She barely ate, and rarely slept. She refused to let Milo out of her sight at night, having him sleep in bed with her and Adam.

The guilt she felt when they learned that Lucy had died from SIDS was immense and she blamed herself for having Lucy sleep alone in the nursery. It didn't seem to matter that Milo had slept in the nursery and he had been okay.

He had to push those thoughts from his head, Milo heard the door open and his face lit up, "Daddy!" Milo jumped into his arms.

Adam smiled, "Milo! I missed you, were you a good boy?"

Milo pulled back to look at him, "I so good. Poppy came over, he got me a Dino." He held the small toy up, "it's uh..it's..ah..mommy..what's it called?"

Kim got up, "A pterodactyl, Milo. A bird dinosaur"

Milo grinned, "That's it! Poppy said it's like Trudy. A really old bird. That's funny, daddy."

Adam nodded, "It is, don't tell Trudy. She'll have Poppy's balls."

Kim clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, "Really Adam?"

"Sorry." He smirked.

Kim rolled her eyes, Adam was worse than Milo some days. She gathered his discarded clothes, and went in the bathroom.

She yanked the curtain open causing Adam to jump a bit, "Shit! Darlin', you scared me." He looked over his shoulder, "you coming in?"

"No." She held up the pile of clothes, "You left these on the floor in the bedroom...you're aware the hamper is in here, correct?"

"Sorry, I was just gonna bring the hamper out" he confessed, he was quick on his fit and was able to bail himself out of numerous jams.

Never with Kim though.

She laughed, "Nice try." Her eyes danced as she laughed and it warmed Adam's heart a bit, "Please put your clothes in the hamper..if Milo can do it you can too."

"Milo gets a prize..I bet if I could get a prize I would do it. I've even got a few suggestions..." he fell quiet when he looked over and saw Kim sitting on the floor, he turned the water off and grabbed a towel. "Baby?"

She had tears in her eyes, "It was with your clothes..you had it?" She held the small bear against her cheek, "I thought it was gone.." it still held the faintest scent of their daughter.

Adam helped her to her feet. "I found it when I got home from work. It was with one of Milo's toys under the couch, I think he had it. I'm sorry."

Kim grabbed his face, "No! Don't be sorry. I'm glad we have it. I thought it was gone.." she choked on a sob, "We don't have much..I miss her. I miss our baby girl." She fell against Adam's chest.

"Me too. So much. I think about her all the time, what she'd look like. How she would drive Milo crazy, how much she'd love you." Adam wiped the tears from beneath her eyes, "I'd like to think Lucy would be just like you, she'd have your heart. Your smile, and maybe she'd love me like you do."

"Oh she would Adam, my god she'd love you so much. I think she'd be such a daddy's girl. I would've loved watching you two together. Even as little as she was I think she preferred you..I want my baby Adam."

"Me too."

Kim pulled back from him, "I want to try again, Adam. I want another baby." She hadn't been able to think about anything else for days. "I'm ready."

Adam held her hand, "Are you sure? We have plenty of time."

Kim kissed him hard, "Adam, I'm sure. I want another baby. I want Milo to have another little brother or sister. He was an amazing big brother to Lucy, I want that again. I want it for Milo, I want it for me and I want it for you. We can't replace Lucy, I don't want us to not have another baby because of Lucy though."

Adam ran his hand through her hair, "I want that too."

The sun blanketed their bedroom in a soft light, Kim had woken as the first rays hit the room, Adam still slept.

She curled into him, memories of the previous night had warmed her from the inside out, he had been tender and sweet. He had loved every inch of her and it had been blissful. They had made love many times since Lucy's death but last night had been different.

It had been perfect.

She couldn't help but hope that it resulted in a baby.

In her head he knew it was crazy to start thinking that way, but she couldn't help herself.

She ran her hand over her tummy hoping that just maybe they had made a baby.

I'm sure I'm not your most favorite person at the moment and I'm sorry...I hope to redeem myself in part two of this little story.