"Croix!" Hiding a sigh, Croix turned in the hallway to see Chariot marching over to her, illuminated by the morning light shining through the windows. This wasn't something Croix wanted to get into. She needed to avoid Chariot before anything else happened. There was a reason she was near the top of her list of people not to speak with anymore.
"We need to talk about yesterday." Chariot said.
"There's nothing to talk about, Chariot." Croix simply turned and began walking the other direction. She could take the long way to the library. A detour was preferable to this.
At least, that was the plan until Chariot had stepped directly in front of her, cutting off her escape route. "Don't do this, Croix!" She pleaded. "Please don't keep shutting me out like this."
Croix felt the frustration rise within her, and struggled to keep it from her face. "I'm not shutting anyone out, there's just nothing to talk about."
Chariot just shook her head. "This is why things fell apart between us!" Croix winced. "Just talk to me, please."
"Things fell apart-" She said through gritted teeth, "-because I'm not a good person, Chariot. Don't make this more than it is."
"That's not true, Croix."
"Oh, honestly, Chari." She growled, pinching the bridge of her nose. "How many times do I have to ruin your life before you get a clue?"
"C-Croix!" She gasped, scandalized. "How can you even say-!"
"Because it's true!" Croix cut her off. "I'm a bad person. I've beencruel and selfish for a long time, and I can't change that, and neither can you!"
"You're wrong, Croix!" She argued right back, biting back the hurt that was clear on her face.
"You're not a bad person, you just need time to heal." Croix just growled, sick of hearing the same rebuttals.
"Just stop, Chariot!" She snapped. Keith was saying something, but neither woman payed attention to anything around them.
"You're not well, and you need to heal, but that doesn't make you evil!" She took a step closer to Croix. "I know you can get better."
"Drop it!" Her words came out loud and hot, burning through her throat.
"No! I'm not going to just give up on you! I want to help you!" Chariot argued, undeterred and unafraid of the anger in Croix's voice. Croix clenched her fists, sick of this pointless charade.
"Why?!" Keith's hand was on her shoulder. It was a warning, one she might not get a second time, but she couldn't listen to it. She was too frustrated to listen. Chariot took a deep, angry breath and let it out.
"Because I still love you, Croix!"
Croix stepped back, astonished and wide-eyed. Chariot strained to keep her face level as she fixed Croix with a determined look. Once the shock wore off, Croix merely narrowed her eyes at the woman in front of her. In a quiet, hoarse voice, the only one she could manage right now, she muttered. "…You shouldn't."
Chariot's expression did not falter. "Maybe I shouldn't." She admitted. "But I know the Croix who loved me is still in there. You're not irredeemable, Croix. You're misguided, you're not healthy, but you're not this…evil woman you think you are." Chariot still looked at her with her eyes full of conviction. She looked like she meant every word of that.
And Croix couldn't stand looking back any longer. Her gaze fell as she spoke as emotionlessly as she could manage. "She is still in there. I do…I do still love you. I thought after everything that happened, I could move on, but…goddammit, I still love you."
Croix spun on her heels away from her, shaking Keith's hand from her shoulder. She refused to turn back and see the look in Chariot's eyes. She couldn't handle her eyes upon her a single second longer. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle seeing Chariot's reaction to what she said next.
"But you need to get over it."
Keith made a motion. To comfort or to confront, she didn't know, but it didn't matter. "Get your hand off me, Keith." She said in a monotone voice, staring ahead at nothing. "Please. We're going to the library. I have work to finish."
"Meridies…" He began to argue, but Croix didn't care enough to hear it.
"I've wasted too much time. I only have a few days left. I have to finish this." Croix refused to let her voice waver, to give either of them any sign of the turmoil she felt. She walked, she forced herself to walk, to return to the haven of the library to do the only thing that truly mattered at this point.
"Croix." Chariot called out to her. "Croix, wait. Just…please, listen to me."
"Don't waste your life on me, Chariot." Croix did not turn to look her in the eye as she spoke. "Not again."
Croix tried for two hours to finish her work. She had her textbook, she had her notebook, but she couldn't concentrate. This was the only thing that mattered, but it seemed so useless all of a sudden. Why was Chariot so insistent on her? What had Croix ever done to deserve her kindness? The second something hadn't gone her way she had snapped and swore her revenge and Chariot still loved her. She actually loved her.
It was maddening. Infuriating. Croix didn't want to hurt Chariot anymore, but if Chariot kept loving her, kept waiting for her, kept forgiving her, there was no other ending. She was going to end up hurt again and again. Croix was good at nothing else, and that's why she was alone and that was why she had to stay alone. Croix loved Chariot, and that's why she could not love Croix back.
Chariot was kind and empathetic. She loaned an ear to every problem no matter how small. She was beautiful, confident, and gentle. She was everything Croix was not, and she deserved so much better. Letting her back into Croix's life wasn't kindness. It would be torture. She'd drag herself through the rocks and dirt and bloody herself just to dilute her sunshine on someone like Croix, who'd take and give nothing back, and wouldn't know virtue if it was held right in front of her.
Chariot loved her, and she would be hurt when Croix left her for good to die alone in Solis. Chariot loved her, and she would be hurt when Croix stayed with her and could never treat her the way she deserved. Either way, she ended up in pain and tears. She had to see that, eventually. She had to see that if she didn't get over it, she'd end up in the same dark, inescapable pit as Croix. Because if she didn't, what other options were there? What way could Croix turn so that she could avoid hurting the last thing in her ugly life that was actually worth something?
However little sense it made, it…it couldn't bother her. Not now. She had to finish her research. Curing Chariot would not clean any of this mess. They still couldn't be what they once were, and they still could never be together no matter how desperately they both wanted it. The cure was not her path to Chariot's heart. It was the only way Croix could ever hope to bridge the impassible gap between them. It wasn't a romantic gesture, it was a debt being repaid. If she finished this, then at least she could say she did right by Chariot at least once by the next time Croix broke her heart. Croix had forced herself to read the textbook in front of her again, not paying attention to Keith, the rest of the library, or the pain in her chest. She managed to ignore everything, until someone snapped her out of her focus.
"What's your plan this time, Croix?" From out of nowhere, an accusatory voice shot at her. Pulled out of her misery, Croix looked up to be met with an icy glare. Diana Cavendish stood over her table with her arms crossed. She bore down at Croix with narrowed eyes and a righteous, open contempt. Everyone had treated her like she was so fragile and nice lately, Croix was unsure of how to even react at first.
"Diana? What…?"
"I asked what your plan is this time, Croix." Diana's scowl deepened. "You've been talking to all my friends recently and I want to know why. What's your end goal?"
Croix stared at her a moment, confused at first. "I don't know what you're talking about, Diana. They're just coming to talk with me." Bitterly, she added, "I don't have any sort of plan anymore."
Diana merely scoffed disdainfully, not buying a single word from her mouth. "Spare me that. You manipulated Akko and Professor Ursula for months on end. You manipulated everyone here just to get close to the Grand Triskellion." She uncrossed her arms to lean on the table, expecting Croix to back away. "Why should I believe what you're doing to my friends is just innocent conversation?"
Keith stood up from his chair. It was his job to keep Meridies from such conflicts, even if she wasn't the instigator. He held his hand out in a placating gesture. "Now, listen, Miss Cavendish-"
"Don't worry about it, Keith." Croix cut the wizard off. Frankly, Croix wanted someone to yell at her at this point. Someone had to realize who she really was. Turning back to meet Diana's distrusting gaze, Croix simply said, "Look, I'm just here to research. I'm not doing anything."
Diana was not impressed. "All the time you spent as a professor here, you used carefully placed words and outright lies to trick everyone just to further your own desires. You can't expect me to just believe anything you say again. Let me tell you this, Croix." She bent down, her face filling Croix's vision, and this time Croix couldn't help but recoil away.
Diana spoke in a low voice. "Whatever your plan was with Lotte, and Sucy, and everyone else? I won't let it work." The threat was clear in her voice. "You're not going to hurt any of my friends, Croix. Not this time."
Croix just snorted. Hadn't that been her intention this whole time, to avoid everyone so she couldn't hurt them again? "Like I said, Diana. I'm just sitting here. You're all coming to me. I know you don't believe me, but I'm not the one starting any of this. You can ask my probation officer here."
Diana did not appear any more ready to accept Croix's benevolence, and it wasn't like Croix could blame her, all things considered. Still, there was a part of Croix that ached at the idea of one of these girls thinking of her the way she thought of herself, even if she did encourage it. Croix at least wanted to make it clear that she was honestly doing her best not to make things worse anymore, and she knew enough of the great heir to the Cavendish name to relate to Diana on some strange level. She didn't have to believe her, but Croix didn't want to lie anymore if she could help it.
"Honestly, Diana?" Croix looked to the girl in front of her. "You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age."
Diana straightened, crossing her arms once more. "I assure you, Croix. I am nothing like you."
"Not as a person, hopefully." Croix smiled wryly at her own joke. "But our histories are similar enough. Spending your whole life thinking it was destiny to save magic, to help everyone, to show the whole world what a real witch looks like. And then, after spending so long searching for that, watching someone else take that from you and live your dream. That's what I went through too."
For a moment, there was a glint of recognition in Diana's face, but it was quashed and replaced with her dismissive expression once more. "That may be true…but I never tried to kill my friends."
"You're right." Croix shrugged.
"…What?"
"You're right." Croix repeated. "When Chariot was chosen instead of me, I resented her for it. I hated her. Sabotaged her. You, on the other hand, saw a girl who was far beneath you…" Diana bristled at her description. "…And you became her friend."
"Beneath me?" Diana questioned scornfully. "Is status all that matters to you? I didn't become Akko's friend because I pitied her."
"That's not what I-" Croix sighed out before being cut off by Diana's indignation.
"Akko's not some waste of space, and I'm not so full of myself to think I'm above her. I'm not anything like you. Sorry to disappoint, Croix." She spat her name like it was an insult.
Croix merely scoffed. "Please. If I thought I was a good person I wouldn't be sitting next to this mouth-breather." Both Keith and Diana raised a brow at that, and in a less tense situation she might've found it funny.
"…The truth is…I think I want to be. A good person, that is." The words were out of her mouth before she even consciously thought them.
"Hmm." The younger witch hummed disbelievingly. "And why is that, Croix?"
She hadn't even intended to say that. She wasn't even sure if she really meant it. But the more Croix thought about it, the more honest the statement seemed to get. She thought back to her confrontation with Chariot this morning, and realized in her absent-mindedness, she hadn't just lied to the kid in front of her. But answering the question of why was no easy task. And frankly, Croix was sick of everything being so complicated.
"My reasons…don't make much sense." As true as it was, it sounded pathetic to her own ears as soon as it left her mouth, and it hardly convinced her current company to leave her alone.
"That didn't stop you before." Diana stated flatly, and ouch. She didn't even waste a second before going for the kill. This girl was good. Croix actually liked her. She sat down at the table, and it was clear Croix was not getting out of this until she gave her a satisfying answer.
A nervous feeling rose up in her stomach. The first thought that came to her mind was saying she didn't have to justify herself to some snobby teenager, but it sounded hollow in her own head, let alone aloud. Not to mention that Diana didn't deserve that from her. But Croix was sick of her flaws being laid bare, sick of everyone consistently being so much better than her, and tried for several, long, agonizing seconds to resist the urge to tell her the truth and do it all over again.
Perhaps it was because she realized she was trapped in this situation and had no way out. Perhaps it was because she felt like someone should know and it might as well be her because she was here now. Perhaps it was even because Croix honestly did relate to Diana, did see the elements of the girl she had once been in the young student before her, and felt like if anyone needed to hear what she had to say, it had to be Diana. It was difficult to tell. Croix was too much of a mess to really know why the next thing she did was take a deep breath and begin to open up.
"Look, the truth is, you're right. I'm not a good person." Croix said, as she ran her hands though her hair. "But Chariot…she looks at me like I am. And I don't deserve it. Not after everything I did. I know I'm not right for her, but…I see the look in her eyes and I can tell she honestly believes I can change. So I think… I want to feel like I actually deserve for her to look at me the way she does. I want to be better, for her sake. I want to be redeemed." Croix gave a long, weary sigh, wiping the corners of her eyes, struggling to organize the thoughts in her head into words.
"I really don't know if I can, and God knows I'm tired of being wrong. But I want her to be right. She honestly believes in someone like me, so…I think I want to believe in me too. I want to feel like she's not wasting her time. I'm tired of hurting her. I'm tired of hurting everyone. And she just…just keeps hoping for me. If she's going to keep giving me that look, like I'm worthy of her, then I…I actually want to redeem myself, so that maybe I really can be."
She wasn't quite sure when she had started staring at the ceiling, but Croix returned her attention to the others at her table. Their expressions were blank and unreadable. "…Like I said, kid. It doesn't make sense."
The two of them studied Croix for a long moment, and Croix felt herself growing increasingly agitated. "You're telling the truth…" Diana questioned. "Aren't you?"
"Yeah. I am." Croix smiled, but there was no happiness behind it. "I know you don't get it, but…I really do want to be a good person. I don't know how. But if it's for her, I really want to try."
Diana didn't say anything at first, seemingly trying to judge if Croix was actually telling the truth this time. Croix tried not to let the thought bother her. After a moment's reflection, Diana suddenly pulled her seat in to sit closer at the table. Croix couldn't help but note it was the first time she saw her shoulders slump. Diana turned to Croix, a pensive look in her eyes.
"…When Akko first came to school, I didn't like her much at all." Diana said. "I thought of her as a stain on Luna Nova's reputation, an unskilled girl who tarnished the name of a witch. I never tolerated bullying, I always tried to encourage others to act responsibly, but when the whole school mocked and scorned Akko, not only did I say nothing, but I…agreed with them." Diana scowled once more, but it wasn't directed at her this time. She had enough experience to know self-loathing when she saw it on someone's face.
"After a while, I noticed the great things Akko was doing, how much she was accomplishing, how amazing of a witch she was becoming, and I realized how wrong I was about her. I could never bring myself to apologize for my behavior. I've never been able to find the words that could justify myself. But…she never seemed to care. Akko accepted me into her group without hesitating. She kept looking out for me, even when I treated her so poorly. She's never questioned if I deserved to be at her side, even when I have."
Diana's brows furrowed as she returned her gaze to the older witch. "I'm not like you, Croix. But…I guess…I can't deny Akko and I are quite similar to your relationship with Chariot. I want to earn the kindness she gives to me so freely. She deserves someone honest and caring, and if she believes I can be that…then I'll keep trying to live up to her."
Croix felt a bit beside herself. She had never been that honest since…well, it was a long time since she had ever been so open about herself. She had never actually expected the gesture to be returned. Something shifted between the two of them, and Croix realized that not only did Diana understand, but she felt the same shame she had struggled with all this time. The revelation that someone who had put herself on the line to stop Croix from causing harm to anyone could also feel the same way as someone who had done the things Croix had done…it filled her with a strange feeling that she struggled to identify.
Naturally, given her nasty personality, she played it off with sarcasm. "…Not too similar I hope. My love life is not one to be emulated."
Diana brows shot up, caught off guard by the sudden statement. "L-love life? What? What does that have to do with anything?"
"…well, yeah?" Croix said, genuinely confused. "Chariot and I used to date. Did you not realize that?"
Hadn't they just had a genuine moment here? What did Diana think she was talking about with all that? It seemed pretty obvious that was the implication behind the conversation they had, this whole idea of earning the look your love gives you. Diana was smart, so it didn't make much sense that she would miss that, or that right now she was beginning to look flustered and start blushing and…
Wait, really?
Two of these girls in a row?
That. Is. Hilarious.
"I…d-don't get the wrong idea then!" Diana stammered out, her face slowly but surely growing more and more scarlet. "Akko and I aren't…we're not…we're just…good friends, is all."
"Good friends." Croix repeated flatly. God, were these kids all just preciously pathetic?
"Y-yes, just good friends. Whatever you and Chariot are…w-we're not that. Just so we're clear."
Croix just leaned on her arm, her mood feeling quite a bit lighter. "Those are pretty heavy thoughts to have about a good friend."
"Meridies, don't tease these kids anymore." Keith admonished her from the side. Croix barely glanced over, but could see enough of the smile on his face to know she wasn't exactly alone in her amusement. Diana's eyes flashed between the two of them as she tried to muster up a defense.
"No! They aren't strange feelings to have about friends! I…j-just because I value Akko doesn't mean that I…" Diana stopped suddenly as she realized she couldn't bring herself to say what exact feelings she did not have. "T-that is, when I say I…care about Akko, it's not in that sense, per say. It's just…ah, it's just how good friends care for one another. That's all it is." Diana cleared her throat, trying to look composed, but one could only look so professional when one's cheeks were a vibrant red and was too embarrassed to look people in the eyes.
Croix felt a smile growing on her face. "So are you two good friends because you're secretly dating, or because you haven't actually told her all that yet?"
"N-no! We're not dating!" Diana cried, and Oh no, did she realize her voice just cracked? "T-there isn't any…wh-why does everybody think that?"
Croix couldn't keep the snicker from her voice, despite honestly trying her best. "Okay, kid, I'm sorry! Really, I am." Croix took a deep breath to straighten herself out, in stark contrast to the frazzled girl sitting before her. "Look Diana, the point of all that was I used to be in your shoes way back when. You're young, and you have your own things to figure out. You're already a lot more moral than I was at your age, but that's not a huge hurdle to cross. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want you all to live the lives you deserve." She offered Diana the closest thing she could manage to a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about me. Just keep growing up and doing what you're doing. You'll figure it out."
Why was she giving so much dating advice these days? She was probably the least qualified person in the entirety of Luna Nova to give guidance on the romantic, considering her only qualifications were that she had an ex-girlfriend and that she spoke French. Regardless, Diana seemed to be mulling over Croix's words in her head, and gave her an affirmative nod. Perhaps they may not like each other, but Croix felt happy enough that they reached an understanding.
Diana cleared her throat in hopes of speaking normally. "L-look, either way, just…don't do anything to hurt Akko again." She turned to leave her seat, before suddenly snapping back to her to quickly add, "…O-or anyone else! I care about all my friends equally"
"I'm not trying to hurt anyone, Diana." Croix's grin spread even further up her cheeks, in wonder of how much these kids could blush. "Even your good 'friend', Akko."
"…I'll hold you to that, Croix. And don't say it like that." She stood from her seat and under her breath, Croix heard her mumble, "Why do I even bother with you people…"
Croix watched her stand up and begin to leave the library. She had teased her enough, and she needed to let the kid heed her advice and figure things out on her own. Still though, Croix wished her better than what she had lived through, and couldn't let her leave without one more piece of wisdom she genuinely believed she should hear.
"Word to the wise, Diana." She called out. Diana stopped in her tracks and turned to face the table.
"Dating in secret is a huge pain in the backside. Don't get into all that."
Diana narrowed her eyes, annoyed. "…We're not like that…but I'll keep it in mind."
The young Cavendish muttered something else under her breath as she huffed away from the library. Croix was left alone again, as she had wanted, but suddenly things seemed less…hopeless than they had earlier. The textbook that was splayed out before her no longer seemed so impossibly long and incomprehensible as it had seemed when she started this morning. Her heart still ached, but somehow it no longer felt as debilitating. Picking up her pen and tuning out the world, Croix set to work once more to finish her duty. It was a slow process, but over the course of the hours she gradually copied down all the information she could absorb, and a small, persistent optimism built deep within her. She didn't let herself think of Chariot more than she needed to.
But somehow, when she did, it hurt a little less.
The crossed moon had already taken its place high into the starry sky by the time Croix and her escort were making preparations to leave. Croix hadn't really spoken to him at all since this morning, and he seemed to respect her work ethic enough to leave her alone unless he had to step in, which worked just fine for her. He was fiddling with his broom, and she with her notebook, when he stopped and turned to her.
"Croix." She considered just ignoring him again, but something stuck out to her about his address. Croix. Not Meridies.
She turned to him, curious as to what he wanted. He had a serious look on his face. "When you told Diana you wanted to redeem yourself for Chariot, did you mean that?"
"Are you serious, Keith?" He couldn't be this boneheaded. "I've been talking about curing Chariot since I came to your stupid facility half a year ago. What do you think I've been doing this whole week? Reading for fun?"
He didn't look at all taken aback by her tirade. In fact, he started to smile, which was worrying. "Oh, I know plenty of your interest in helping Chariot. It's just…this is the first time you've ever expressed interest in trying to be a better person."
"Wha…?"
"In the eight months since you were admitted, you spoke of helping Chariot and nothing else. You never once claimed you wanted to heal and redeem yourself. I'm glad to hear something changed."
Croix just stared like a deer in headlights, unsure of how to compose herself. "…There you go again, overanalyzing everything." She scoffed and rolled her eyes at him. "It was just a conversation, don't get your panties in a bunch."
The infuriating smile on his smug face just grew. "If you say so. But if you ever are serious about it, I'll help you. In any way I can."
"Look, save your heartfelt crap for someone else, alright? Let's just…get out of here already. I'm hungry and I'm tired. And I have a lot more work to do tomorrow."
"And now we're eating and sleeping? This is a big day." Croix felt her body tense as she snapped at him.
"W-would you just go f-! Why don't you get your broom ready to fly already so we can go." She threw her hands up in the air, feeling incredibly annoyed. "Maybe I would've gotten like this sooner if I got a probation officer who could keep his comments to himself!"
"You know, I'm actually not going to count that as an infraction either. I think we're making progress."
"Your opinion is noted." Croix seethed. "Now fly us back already." He finally kept his mouth shut, but he still didn't bother to wipe that conceited look of his face. Croix just rolled her eyes again.
Self-aggrandizing mall cop.
A.N. Ugh shut up evil-mom I don't even like Akko like that you're embarrassing me.
I know people were looking forward to Diana's chapter, so I hope this one was something of what you were hoping for. I was working on this one for a while, trying to get it as good as I could. Either way, I hope you'll stick around for the last 3 chapters. Even if some stuff like who's on top of Croix's list is obvious, I like to think there's still one or two surprises left.
"Amanda" is the next chapter. Good ol' O'Neill makes Croix face some more uncomfortable truths…and she gives one to Keith too, for good measure. Croix and Chariot talk once more, and I hope it goes well for them. If these two get any more anguished, they're going to have each other at gun point.
(this chapter seemed to have a lot of loud verbs, Diana should know to keep quiet in the library. Who's the real villain here?)