Miyuki lay in bed, unable to stop the tears silently streaming down her face. When had it all started to go wrong? She went through the last two days, tracking her actions and emotions. She'd picked up Tamao, taken her to a beautiful hotel, chatting all the way, excited that they would spend the weekend together. No, not excited. Miyuki had been nervous.

But why? She knew Tamao so well by now. Why should she be nervous? She put that thought on hold, not sure she wanted to find an answer just yet.

Arriving at the hotel, they'd made love. It had felt…muted, somehow. Her body had reacted to the caresses and kisses, had kissed and caressed in turn. There'd been something in Tamao's eyes telling Miyuki that her girlfriend felt it, too. Or maybe she had still been caught up in something on her mind. Neither of them had mentioned it, not wanting to destroy their precious moments.

Friday evening had turned out okay, with a dinner and a show in the hotel. They had both quickly agreed on the show, knowing full well that it would steal two hours from the few they had. But the show had given them the chance not to talk, not to think about what was wrong, had given them two hours in which to laugh together, pretending everything was all right. And they'd had something to talk about afterward, when they'd lain in bed, both unwanting to sleep, but loath to have another try at intimacies.

'Is this what happens to relationships after a while? Is this what is inevitable, what breaks people in the long run, what makes them search for different kinds of fulfilment, for lovers, for hobbies?' Miyuki sadly asked herself. And couldn't find an answer in her limited universe of relationships. What experience did she have? None, neither first- nor second-hand.

Her parents, in their arranged marriage, got along and never considered changing anything, as it would bring shame to the family. They each found their solace, her father in women, her mother in chocolates and volunteer work. But both had a sad, defeated look in their eyes that had frightened Miyuki beyond belief from early childhood on. Until St. Miator, she'd never known anything different. She'd thought it was normal, something that came with growing up. Her parents had never helped her or her brother experience the wonders of childhood, the fantasy, the magic.

Every time they'd tried to go on adventures in their minds, her parents had brought them quickly down to Earth again. There were no princesses, queens, princes, kings, and knights, no witches, no ghosts, no unicorns like in the books she'd so loved to read until her mother had confiscated them, saying they were no good. After she'd seen what kind of pictures Miyuki had drawn after reading. She grinned through her tears, remembering the horrified look on her mother's face as 7-year-old Miyuki explained the picture she'd drawn after reading Sleeping Beauty. The princess, kissing her fairytale Godmother, as the prince was tangled in the hedges around the castle.

She'd never understood why a princess should want for a prince. Her father had always been cruel in cropping her emotions, slashing through her dreams, ripping up her plans. And in the beatings she'd received. Her brother had been on the receiving end of the same treatment, but was allowed to vent his frustration on his older sister.

Then, she'd come to St. Miator. She'd met Shizuma, had met Hanazono Masahiro. Had seen the respect with which he had always treated his daughter. Had seen how Shizuma was certain she could do whatever she wanted because she'd been raised learning that not even the sky was a limit to her dreams and fantasies. Had seen how Masahiro had reacted when his headstrong daughter had confronted him with her homosexuality, how they'd worked out their differences to reach a calm acceptance, and later even approval of each other: How they'd grown.

Miyuki had always dreamed of having some sort of relationship in her life similar to that which Masahiro and Shizuma shared. They were partners, locked together in the misery of losing a loved one early on, causing Shizuma to grow up faster than she should have. There was so much respect between those two.

She had thought she and Tamao could be that. Partners who loved and respected one another, giving each one room for dreams and individuality, but also to stick together through good times and hardship.

When had it started to go wrong?

Saturday, they'd spent the day in the hotel's spa, relaxing, enjoying the treatments, swimming in the pool, sitting in the whirlpool, arm in arm, checking out the sauna, drinking fruit juices at the bar. The tenderness, the quiet, gentle, loving tone had returned, and Miyuki had heaved silent sighs of relief.

Last night, they'd made love again. The spark had been back, the passion stronger. But every time Miyuki had closed her eyes, she had seen flashes of silver hair, emerald eyes, a teasing smile and had heard the seductive timbre of a husky voice certainly not Tamao's. She'd tried to escape, had fought to keep her mind on Tamao. But the further she'd slipped into the sensations her body was experiencing, the harder it had become to stay focused. And when her body finally twitched in her release, she'd bitten her lip not to call out her best friend's name.

"I feel guilty, so awfully guilty." she whispered under her breath as another cascade of tears left her burning eyes.

She had taken Tamao back to Astrea Hill earlier today, the drive there rather quiet after the strange weekend. Standing at the gate, an uncomfortable silence had stretched, until Miyuki had finally said that it might be better not see each other for a while, until life became a bit less stressful. Tamao had stared at her, a strange look in her eyes.

"I agree we shouldn't see each other for a while, but I wish you'd be more honest." the young girl had said, picking up her bag. "You talk in your sleep." With that, she'd turned and gone up to the school.

Miyuki had called after her, but Tamao hadn't turned around. The young woman had sighed heavily, climbed into her car, and had driven off. She'd dreamed of Shizuma the night before and could well imagine what Tamao had heard.

When she'd gotten home, the apartment had been empty.

Miyuki had gone straight to her room, crawling into bed, trying to figure out what was going wrong.

She was busy, yes. So was Tamao. But that couldn't be it, could it? That didn't explain why Shizuma always crossed her mind. And that one night with Shizuma couldn't be it, either. Could it?

Miyuki sighed. Maybe Hiro was right and she was jealous of all those women Shizuma was spending her nights with.

She closed her eyes and imagined Shizuma kissing Toya. It hurt. It hurt like a burning knife slicing through her flesh.

Her thoughts went back to the night she and Shizuma had ended up in bed. Even though her memory was fogged by alcohol, it had been wonderful. Enough to want more. Enough to want all the silver-haired woman had to give.

'I never stopped loving Shizuma,' Miyuki admitted to herself. 'And during our road trip and then living with her here, it only became worse.'

She dropped onto her back and pushed her hair out of her face. 'I can't believe I only realized it now. I can't believe I'm doing this to Tamao and me. And I can't believe I never got over Shizuma. I should know by now that she's no good for me.'

She sighed heavily. It seemed that life was on a cycle. An endless cycle. She fell for Shizuma, Shizuma had numerous affairs, then she fell for someone who wasn't Miyuki, Miyuki got over it, Shizuma's relationship ended, Miyuki helped her get over it, falling for her again in the process, and Shizuma went back to picking up women. It had started in their second year in Astrea, with Aneko, had gone on with Kaori, and the last one so far was Nagisa.

'I'm always the one to pick up the pieces of her broken heart, but never the one allowed to mend it for good. I just do the clean up, hurting myself in the process. But I guess that's what friends are for. And I am her friend. Come to think of it, I'm also the woman she's been loyal to, in a way. Our friendship has never been at stake. But I've always wanted more than friendship.'

The apartment door opened and closed.

"Miyuki? Are you home?"

"I'm in my room!"

Shizuma entered and dropped onto the bed next to Miyuki.

"How was your weekend with Tamao?"

Miyuki looked at her friend curiously. This question was unusual. Normally, she'd have come in and gone on about her wonderful time with whoever she'd been with.

"It wasn't all that great. Actually, we decided not to see each other for a while."

"Oh, that doesn't sound good at all. What happened?"

"We agreed that we're too busy to have this long-distance relationship. Maybe we'll have more time later on and pick it up again." She blushed slightly, telling this half-truth and deciding that she seriously needed to talk to Tamao soon, to clean up the "you-talk-in-your-sleep"-mess. But she didn't know what to tell her girlfriend.

Should she tell Tamao that Shizuma made her pulse race just by sitting next to her? That looking at those lips made her want to kiss them like there was no tomorrow? That the only thing she could think of when she looked at the cool designer outfit was what the fabric was veiling? And knowing at the same time that all of these thoughts and feelings were completely pointless because there never would be anything more than friendship between her and the silver-haired beauty. But still, her feelings were strong enough to inhibit her relationship with Tamao, enough to fill her mind during the day and her dreams at night.

"Oh, Miyuki, I'm sorry." Shizuma hugged her best friend tightly. "You must feel awful."

"Yes…I do feel…awful." A bigger lie couldn't be told, feeling Shizuma so close and jolts of pleasure stronger than any Tamao had evoked all weekend coursing through her body. She pulled away before it became too much.

"How was your weekend with Toya? I didn't really expect you home until tomorrow after class."

Shizuma sighed heavily. "It was okay, I guess. But this random sex is so empty. It helped a while after Nagisa left, but it's not what I want. And I'm sick of always giving. Most girls want me to bed them, to experience a wonderful night. I give them what they want, but there's nothing in return. They don't even seem interested in giving anything back."

She buried her head in her hands. "For some reason, I thought Toya would be different. She is definitely more experienced than the others, but she also just wanted to take, all weekend. I feel so empty, like I have nothing more to give."

Miyuki slipped an arm around her friend.

"Well, if it's just a one-night stand, they probably don't have the incentive to give. I mean, you tend to come on real strong, sweeping them off their feet, so to speak. You're in control from the beginning, and they go along with it. But that means you're in control all the time. So it makes sense that you end up giving much more and receiving much less."

"You're right. But in my relationship with Nagisa, it was just the same." She sighed again. "I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about the night you and me spent together, after going to the bar."

Miyuki stared at her, not daring to believe what she was hearing.

"What about it?" she asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"It was…different. It didn't feel empty. You gave as much as I did." She paused. "I can't really explain it."
"Shizuma, we were both completely drunk."

The emerald-eyed shrugged. "Doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"I'm just trying to say that your memory might not be all that accurate."

Shizuma thought about that for a moment.

"Maybe you're right. Anyway, you're with Tamao, so you're definitely off limits." She got up. "I'm going to take a shower. How about ordering something for dinner and watching a DVD?"

"Sounds like a plan." After Shizuma had left the room, Miyuki buried her head in her pillow. Had she seriously just blown her chance to have a go with Shizuma?