A/N: again, apologies for the long wait, my attention span lately's been rubbish and every time i sit down to write i find my mind wandering and before i know it i'm doing something completely different. anyway, hope you like it, and here it is.

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Vince was shaking uncontrollably, thoughts reeling round his head as he waited poised by the front door. Why is he here? Why am I letting him in? What will he say to me? How does he know where I live? What's going on? What's taking him so long to get here? Does he still hate me?

Howard stood outside Vince's flat, his hands in his pockets as he stared at the wooden door between him and his past. What am I doing here? Why did I come? Should I knock or should I walk away? What's he been doing all these years? Did he look for me? Did he care? Does he still hate me?

Both men stood inches from one another,petrified of that which stood the other side of the door, both too afraid to make the first move. But after what felt like a lifetime Howard finally raised a shaky hand to the wood work and rapped his knuckles on its cold, white surface. A foot away Vince jumped an inch into the air as the knock interrupted his trail of thought. He paused, he didn't want to answer it, he didn't want to face him, not like this at least. Not like this. Clenching his fist a few times he lifted a shaking hand to the door and opened it. Both men stood frozen, staring into each others eyes.

"Oh my god, Vince, what happened?" Vince was covered in scratches, cuts and blood, and there were a couple of pieces of glass in the palm of his hand as well. Howard couldn't help himself, he lunged towards the man in front of him and began to look him all over like a worried father, like he used to do when Vince got himself hurt. "When did you do these, what happened? Are you alright? Do you wanna talk about it?" Howard stopped himself suddenly, realising that he was probably the cause of Vince's pain. After a few moments pause, his eyes never leaving the wooden floor beneath his feet, he managed to mumble a weak "I'm sorry" and took a slow step back from Vince realising that their bodies were almost touching where he'd leapt forward to Vince's aid, a reaction it seemed, he never really forgot over time.

Why? Vince's eyes scrunched up into tight lines as he willed back the tears that threatened to fall. Why are you being so nice? I'm pathetic and worthless and I don't deserve your pity. Why are you always so fucking nice to me? It's my fault, my fault you left, my fault you felt so bad about yourself that you had to leave behind your entire life because you couldn't bare it anymore, couldn't stand being with me anymore. Now here you are, and all I want to do is be held by you. All I want to do is touch you. I…

"I'm so sorry Howard." The tears fell in torrents, though his voice never wavered. His eyes were red and his whole body was shaking, but he had to say what he'd been wanting to say for 7 years, he couldn't hold it in any longer, not with Howard stood in front of him with that hurt look on his face like everything was his fault, when they both knew full well it was all Vince's fault, it always had been. "I've caused you so much pain. I'm sorry for forcing you away from the flat, away from your life. When you left I didn't know what to do, what to think. My whole world fell apart, I-" Vince was cut off by Howard's hand touching his arm, gripping him in a silent apology. "Don't." He pulled away from Howard's touch, unable to stand the contact he so badly wanted but totally didn't deserve. "It doesn't matter what I felt, I deserved it for being such a total wanka. I just…" He paused, wrapping his arms protectively round himself, wanting nothing more than curl into a ball and cry. "I've missed you so much. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry Howard." He felt his body growing weaker, he'd spent the last few hours crying and smashing up his apartment, and he just didn't have the energy for this anymore, but it had to go on.

Howard's heart broke at the sight of the young man before him. Never had he seen Vince like this, even that night down the alley Vince hadn't been this broken, yet here he was, the sunshine kid, his old best friend, his old life, stood shivering in front of him, pouring his heart out, deathly afraid of being accepted again by Howard. Again, Howard's emotions got the better of him, and he could no longer just stand there watching Vince sob to himself. He stepped forward and surrounded the smaller man with his body, his arms wrapping tightly round his back pulling Vince as close to him as he could.

Vince's shoulder shook uncontrollably as Howard embraced him, his own arms winding round Howard's waist so that his head was buried deep in the older mans neck as he cried. Howard's hand reached up to Vince's head and he began to stroke his hair, rocking him slightly from side to side, memories from years previous flooding into his memory. He'd done this before, too many times over the years with the small electro poof. After a night on the town Vince always got rather emotional and often Howard found himself cradling the younger man into an uneasy sleep, every morning forgetting the night before and going back to his obnoxious, self-obsessed ways, unaware of the pain he caused Howard each and every time.

Suppressing the feelings and memories he'd reviewed too many times, Howard scanned the room and slowly guided Vince over to the worn sofa in the corner by the window, never releasing him from his embrace. When they reached it Vince sat awkwardly at one end, Howard at the other. Sniffing, Vince wiped his eyes and gave Howard a weak smile. Howard smiled back, neither man knowing what to say, what to do. So the silence deepened.

What am I doing hear? I had everything planned, everything I was going to say to him, everything I needed him to hear. What was it? I can't remember. This is going so badly.

Why's he just sitting there, what do I say? Should I offer him a cup of tea? No, that's a terrible idea, argh! Say something Howard, anything. I can't stand this silence.

"So." Howard muttered, wishing immediately that he hadn't. So? I'm such an idiot. He deserves more than this, he deserves reasons, he deserves better than me. Howard sighed and turned to face Vince. "Honestly, I have no idea why I'm here, but its mostly to apologise." Vince looked at him, shocked and confused, ready to comment, but Howard broke him off. "Hear me out. Seven years ago I made-" He stopped himself, inhaling deeply. This is it. Its crunch time. "I made the biggest mistake of my life by turning my back on the shop, on you. I was just so angry. I hated how my life was turning out, I hated that no matter what I did it didn't seem to change, I hated-"

"Me." Vince cut in, his gaze hitting the floor, fresh tears spilling down his face. Howard bit his lip looking at Vince in front of him, how vulnerable he looked. This was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, second only to leaving the flat, but all the reasons that were there then were gone now, time had intervened, this wasn't the same man sat in front of him. Seven years changes a man, he too had changed, but Vince seemed to be a shell of his former self rather than growing into the large rock and roll suit he'd made for himself all those years ago. Howard had learned to express himself in ways other than jazz and Chinese burns, and now it was time to test those skills to their limit.

"I could never hate you Vince." he said the simple sentence with such compassion that Vince had to look at him to make sure he'd heard him right. Howard's calming smile made Vince relax slightly in his seat. "You were my best friend, the yin to my yang, I couldn't hate you. At the time I wanted to, I really did. I hated the way you talked down to me, like I was never good enough, the way you always kept me in the shadows like I was the friend you didn't want people to know about. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hate you." Their eyes were locked together, searching deep into one another's souls, trying to find the courage to say what needed to be said.

"I'm so sorry Howard." Vince found himself repeating the words that had haunted him for seven years, words he could never say to Howard until now. "I'm sorry for always leaving you out and calling you names. It was just a laugh, you know? I mean, I know now that it wasn't funny, I lost you for seven years and it nearly killed me. I just wasn't aware of how much of a total prick I was being. But I'm a changed man now, I'm completely different from how I used to be. You have to believe me Howard, I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose, even back then, if I'd have known, if I'd have just paid attention." Vince's words were cut off as he once again began to sob into his hands. He couldn't take this much longer, he'd spent the last few days in tears and there just weren't enough left.

Howard wanted nothing more than to embrace the small man beside him, but he knew that if he did he'd never let go. Trying his hardest to keep his composure, Howard stretched out a hand and gently rubbed Vince's shoulder.

"Its ok." Vince's voice was little more than a whisper. "Its going to be alright now, we've found each other again. Things will be just like before, just like back at the flat. Only Naboo and Bollo won't be there, and we won't be living above a shop, but we'll have each other, so its alright." Vince lifted his head and smiled at Howard. But Howard wasn't smiling back.

The idea of things going back the way they were, how Vince used to be, was horrifying to him. He missed his old life at the flat, the simplicity, the fun, the adventures, but he'd grown rather fond of his new friends, his new flat, his new life. "Look, Vince, I've missed you, I'm not going to deny it, I've missed you every day since the day I left. But its been such a long time since I left I've grown used to my new life. And I can't just up and leave Jeff, what about rent, about work?" What Howard really wanted to say, he wouldn't dare, it'd hurt Vince too much, but over time Vince's memory had become more of a tumour, eating away at his soul until there was nothing left but a great abyss where Howard's love used to be. Vince was all he ever thought about, and it killed him how much he loved him, but he'd never tell Vince. "I want to keep seeing you Vince, I don't want to lose you again, but its not as easy as you make out. We both have new lives, you've got new friends, a new place, so have I. Things aren't how they used to be back in London, times have changed, and so have we." Howard looked at Vince, but his face was unreadable.

How can you say that? I spent months looking for you after you left and now I've found you, you don't want me? I've tried to change, and what was it all for? How could you Howard?

Slowly turning to the man beside him, Vince plastered a watery smile on his face. "No, I get what you mean." His heart was in pieces, and as much as he'd like to think of Howard as his rescuer after all these years, all he was doing was treading the pieces into the ground. "Well, I've got your number, and you know where I live, so that's a start. Only, I'm gonna have to kick you out now, I've got Becky from work coming over and I need to do a bit of tidying up before she gets here." He motioned to the mess around them.

"I'll help, I'm part to blame for the mess anyway." He showed Vince a weak smile but he just shook his head.

"Nah, its cool, I've got it, I'm sure you've got things you need to do." Vince didn't want Howard to leave, but he couldn't stand having him here without really having him. So he rose from the sofa, followed by Howard who looked rather disappointed at being thrown out, and walked to the front door. Opening it he turned to Howard, unable to hide all the hurt in his eyes.

"Come on little man," The nickname brought with it a thousand emotions and Vince wasn't sure how long he could go on pretending to be ok before he simply broke down again. "Call me yeah? Soon." Howard's hand moved to Vince's shoulder and he grasped it, not wanting to leave him alone.

"Yeah no problem, I'll call you when Becky's gone." Vince smiled as Howard's hand left his shoulder, all his strength was going on not crying and begging Howard to stay. "I'll see you soon then." Howard smiled back and stepped out the door.

"Yeah, I'll see you soon." He and Vince stood looking at each other for a while before Howard forced himself to smile and wave, hoarsely whispering a goodbye as he turned, tear falling down his cheeks as he made the long decent down the stairs to the street below.

Vince slammed the door and immediately his chest began to heave, his heart raced, and he fell to the floor, face in hand, seven years of emotions pouring out of him at once.

I've lost him.

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I know this chapters a bit all over the place but that's how its meant to be, as Howard and Vince are properly seeing each other for the first time in years they're going to be a bit mixed up themselves so I've tried to write it how'd they'd be thinking, sort of. Next chapters gonna be another sad one but we're coming close to the end now, hopefully, so I'll try and get it done quickly.