A/N: Bellamy spirals for a bit and things may get worse before they get better but I promise this fic won't end in despair! Thank you for reading!
Chapter Seven: Spiral
Keeping his feet anchored to the Earth is where he belonged. Bellamy didn't do well in vacuums, in voids. No matter how hostile their journey has been it never matched the cold slow death that space provides. Each time he stared out at the darkness beyond, his reflection would always be looking right back. It's unnerving. He didn't remember it being this unnerving.
There's a crackling sound and then clarity, "Hey, big brother."
O's voice resounds over comms. The others fan out behind him in hopeful silence.
"Never thought I'd hear your voice again." Bellamy breathes with relief into the receiver. His thoughts are erratic and he can't sit still. The adrenaline from earlier is wearing off and now he just felt an achy awareness. An awareness to the ship, the people behind him and to his own desperation.
His sister is fine, she's safe. It's enough.
"What's it like being back on the Ark?" She asks.
"Nothing we aren't used to. We'll manage."
"Have you heard from Clarke?" She asks and Bellamy feels the eyes of everyone behind him burning holes into his skull.
"Yes, she's surviving, like the rest of us."
There's a rattling sound and static before Abby's voice echoes, "Have you been able to talk with her?"
Bellamy's resolve is slowly cracking and he swallows before speaking, "We've been unable to communicate back to her."
"Is there anything you can do to fix that?"
He contemplates telling her they hadn't heard from Clarke in a while, not since she was in distress, but he replies, "We'll keep trying."
"She's alone out there." Abby says, softly.
He clenches his jaw, standing from the chair and says, "I know."
He abruptly hands the receiver to Raven before exiting the room. He rests his back against the cold metal wall of the hallway and runs his palms over his face. He had surpassed the definition of exhaustion but he couldn't sleep. Not now.
"Not the reunion you were hoping for." He hears from down the hallway. Murphy is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
"Being able to communicate with the bunker is a win for us." Bellamy replies and Murphy gives him the smallest smirk.
"I hope it was worth the air you wasted."
"Not now, Murphy." Bellamy warns.
Murphy holds up his hands in mock surrender and before he turns to leave, he adds, "You look like shit by the way. There's this thing called sleep."
Once everyone clears out of the comms room, he sits down in the usual uncomfortable chair there. He knew Raven would soon give him an ear full but he suspects she's giving him time to rest before the onslaught. He's grateful for that.
He presses his lips against the receiver and says, "Clarke…please tell me you can hear this."
He waits in the hushed dark.
"At least tell us you're okay."
That panicked terror hasn't left him. It makes a home in his throat; festering like a scream.
"I'm sorry… I left you behind." Bellamy says to the silence.
The silence is cruel. It's an entity in its own right. It will always make him question his ultimate failures. They hang in the air in front of him on an invisible clothesline.
"I should be there with you."
Together.
His world always tilts and cracks when Clarke wasn't in it. It's always been this way. Without the head, the heart loses its way. He doesn't want to live separate anymore. He doesn't want to pretend he didn't give pieces of himself to her. She kept them, like bread crumbs, in the palms of her hands, in the weight of her shoulders.
"Please…say something." He says and he closes his eyes to stop them from burning. He thinks maybe he falls to sleep but it's a voice that snaps his eyes open.
"Bellamy."
It isn't static or even from the comms. It came from behind him, as clear as day. He startles upright and slowly turns around to face the doorway. There's no one there. She isn't there. How could she be?
He needed to sleep. He needed to shut himself down for a while.
He stands from the chair and collapses onto the unmade bed. His dreams don't grant him peace. They're a kaleidoscope of terror, tree branches lashing out at him, and Clarke calling for him in the distant muffled tree line. Bellamy never wanted to be Clarke's savior. It was never about saving her. It's about failing her.
"Bellamy." That distinct voice again, coming from beyond the nightmare of his thoughts. It's what tears him out of it. His eyes slowly opened, unfocused to the face above his. The familiar blond hair and small smile. Realization dawns on him and he whips himself upward, almost falling from the bed. The blanket moves to the cold floor. He's alone.
His heart is racing, he can't get a handle on his breathing. He stands quickly from his bed and walks out into the hallway, where he sets his hands on his knees. He had to calm down.
He releases a heavy exhale and presses his back to the cold wall again. He slides down it this time, to the floor. He wipes away the sweat that's collected on his face and neck. He's never been good at dealing with guilt. It left him reeling, scrambling for purchase. It was as if he's been floating out in that void that's swallowed the Ark this whole time.
"Bellamy."
He turns startled to see Raven this time, looking at him with quiet concern. He's relieved he hasn't completely lost his mind yet.
"I'm fine.…nightmares." He replies, trying to give her a reassuring nod. She walks towards him and surprisingly joins him, by sitting down on the floor across from him. She crosses her legs and studies him openly.
"Everyone is happy that we can communicate with the bunker." Raven begins and Bellamy breaks eye contact, looking out towards the long silent hallway. "I know you're pissed, Raven and I don't blame you."
"Oh I was, I still am but I'd be lying if I wasn't glad you fixed it. Even if you did waste an O2 tank to do it."
When he glances back at her, there's a quiet irritation to her features but she didn't look like she wanted to float him. It's progress.
"I lied earlier." Bellamy confesses and he watches her irritation grow. "I found several O2 tanks on our inspection through the sectors."
"Jesus, Bellamy! Are you serious? You kept that from me?"
"Yes. I'd do it again. We made contact with the bunker because of it." Bellamy replies, resolute.
"This has to stop. I'm serious. We are all trapped here together. We have to make the best of what we have. We have to make decisions together."
Bellamy forces himself to stand, using the wall behind him for support. "I know and I understand that-"
His words are cut short by a loud piercing alarm. Raven stands up quick and the lights dim to a dark red, painting their skin in it.
"What the hell is going on?" Bellamy questions and Raven opens her mouth to speak when the entire Ark shifts, sending them sideways into the nearest wall. Monty is scrambling out to them, trying to gain his footing. A loud ear-piercing screech of tearing metal echoes out into the depths.
"There's been a hull breach!" Monty yells.
"Shit! How the hell did this happen?" Raven yells back and she uses the doorway behind her to help her stand. The Ark shakes and there's a resounding boom. Bellamy can see pieces of debris floating out into the void from the window in front of him.
"One of the damaged sectors detached from us." Monty replies and jogs down the long hallway with Raven alongside him. Bellamy quickly stands, running straight into Murphy.
"What'd you do now?" He asks and Bellamy glares at him, pushing passed him. He blinks against the flashing red of the lights.
Murphy yells from behind him, "It's a good thing we have all the O2 tanks we can spare."
Bellamy stalks around the nearest corner and grabs the three space suits from the partially opened locker there. It's always the same. On the ground or in space. Something is always trying to kill them.
"Bellamy." He hears from behind him.
He sighs, "I'll be right there. I have to find the helmets."
Bellamy flings the contents of the nearest locker onto the floor. Where were they? He remembers putting them in here. Didn't he?
"Bellamy." They say again and he turns ready to express his annoyance when his heart leaps into his throat.
Clarke is standing in the open doorway, the hallway lights painting her eerily red. Bellamy just stands there, stalk-still, unable to bring himself to move or speak. She says nothing else, just stares at him. He blinks and releases a breath before looking away. He can't do this right now. Not this. He needed to focus. He kicks open another locker but the helmets weren't in there either.
"Goddammit!" Bellamy yells and runs his hands through his hair. Most of it stuck to his face and neck from the sweat. She's gone when he looks in the doorway again and there, piled in a haphazard heap in the corner are the helmets.