That's how the cycle began -- and continued.....those late night phone calls that really only occurred when he'd been drinking way too much -- the incessant questioning of why we'd broken up, the fear that he'd made a huge mistake....yet these revelations never seemed to come in the sober light of day. He became a different person at night -- he was the person who still wanted to be with me - and it was addictive.

Then he would ask me to come over and stay with him --that's why I'm here -- because I'm weak.

The mornings usually turned out the same each time, waking to awkward silences...I never knew what to say and was always ready to kick myself for being so weak-willed. Silence always seemed alright with him -he would usually be so hungover, it was hard to make conversation anyway.

It's a ridiculous cycle that makes me feel stupid after each encounter -- but I can't help it...I find myself drawn to him over and over again.

"Can't you see that he's just using you? If he really wanted to get back together, you wouldn't just hear from him when he's looking for a late night drunken booty call," Brooke always says.

I know that she's right....but her lectures are not what I need right now. I've always considered myself to be a pretty smart person -- but intelligence or maturity doesn't always win out over emotions. I can see this for what it is -- I'm not fooling myself into believing its more-- I know it should stop and soon.....its just a matter of willpower - mind over matter.

I knew I needed to call him on all of the things he would say in the dark but would never acknowledge when he was sober. The old Haley wanted to believe him when he said how much he still cared about me but I knew better - it was the alcohol talking every time....he didn't want 'me,' he just wanted 'someone'.....which lead me to the question I was gathering the courage to ask one particular night here in his room.

"Why do you call me to come here and be with you if you wanted a 'single life' and freedom to hook up with whoever you wanted?" I asked his sleeping form lying there next to me-- he had passed out once again and the truth was, that was the only time I could get up the nerve to ask him such questions.

It is ridiculous but even after being with him - he still had a way of completely intimidating me without even trying. Just being around him was like being around a larger- than-life force. He was by far, the most attractive man I had ever seen. I knew that other women were completely drawn to him so finding another 'warm body' wouldn't exactly be a problem for him....but I knew I was only going to get hurt trying to analyze his actions, the actions that were taken under a drunken influence. He was drunk on alcohol and I was drunk on the way he made me feel when I was with him (as corny and cliched as I know that sounds)

He was one of those men who wasn't just attractive. He was stunning. I know, I continue to make excuses for my weakness when it comes to Nathan - but it's a strong, powerful force - pure magnetism.

I knew that sooner than later, I was going to have to face the reality of the situation -- and part of me should be angry for the way things were turning out...angry that he was taking advantage of my vulnerability and that I was allowing it. If I ended up really hurt by it all this time around, I would have no one to blame but myself.

~~

"Don't tell me, again last night?" Brooke asked me with a serious look. We had met for lunch that afternoon to catch up since I hadn't seen her much lately. I guess in a way I was purposely avoiding her although I'm not proud of it....I just can't hear another person confirm what I already know in my mind to be true. I have to handle this in my own way.

"Yes, but I really don't want to talk about it -- because that was it, that was the last time," I replied, hoping she would just drop the subject.

Brooke just looked at me, not at all believing what I was saying.

"So, how's the store?" I asked, desperately changing the subject.

"Great actually!" Brooke perked up, "I just started work on another line!"

"That's terrific!" I replied.

Brooke was a clothing designer – she had always had a passion for it and had started her own clothing line right after high school. The clothing line had seen almost overnight success. Brooke had been based in New York but had opened a store here in Tree Hill so that she could be home more often.

We laughed and continued our lunches-- all was well. It felt really good to just be talking about something else and to not be constantly analyzing and wondering. It was way too time-consuming not to mention completely exhausting.

I was bound and determine to excise Nathan from my life -- I knew it would have to be that way. I would never be able to bottle my emotions enough to just be his friend -- it wouldn't be any healthier than this ridiculous debacle I was already currently involved in where he was concerned. The real obstacle would be in actually accomplishing this goal.

We were finishing up our lunches when I felt my cell phone vibrating in my purse next to my feet. I reached down to see if it was anyone calling from the restaurant. To my surprise, Nathan's number was flashing on the screen.

I looked at Brooke, "It's Nathan."

She looked at me and said wryly, "has his drinking spilled over into the daylight hours as well?"

I gave her a dry smirk and looked back to the phone. "Be strong," she said. I closed my eyes and set the phone back in my purse, letting the call go to my voicemail. I would be able to tell if he left a message -- and I have to admit, he did have me curious as to why he'd be calling in the middle of the day. That was a new gesture in our current mess.

"Interesting," Brooke said. Despite her efforts to be the nay-sayer for my own good, she had a way of treating the situation like one of her soap operas to catch up on the latest drama and emotional treachery.

"I don't know and I don't care...I'm serious," I said, taking a final bite of my salad while Brooke looked at me skeptically.

Soon after, she and I said our goodbyes and I headed back to campus for my only graduate course of the afternoon. I took a deep breath, retrieving the cell phone from my purse - seeing that I had a new voicemail. I dialed the voicemail number and listened.

"Hey, it's Nathan," the voice began. He sounded like his usual self -"I was wondering if you had any plans tonight- I am having dinner with my agent and his wife tonight and I wanted to see if you would be my dinner date- Ocean Grill, tonight 9pm. Let me know if you would be interested, bye."

I sighed deeply, now more confused than before. I shut my eyes, wishing and hoping for a way to know how to handle this -- I knew I needed to walk away. I needed to be away from Nathan for good this time...but for him to go and do this? This was starting to cancel out the thought I had imprinted in my mind - that I was just a late night hook-up...it was starting to cancel out the reasons I had convinced myself to walk away in the first place.

I was at a total loss - not at all sure of what I should do - my logical, cynical side willed me to call him and decline - my emotional and curious side willed me to accept the invitation and at least try to understand what was going on here.

I remembered Brooke's words from earlier, 'be strong'. I flipped my phone open and with a shaking hand, returned Nathan's phone call. He picked up after the first ring.

"Hey Hales!" he said brightly.

"Hi Nathan...how are you?" I fumbled.

"I'm alright -- how are you? I guess you got my message?" he asked.

"Yes, I did...and thanks...but the truth is, I don't think I'll be able to make it," I replied.

"Oh," I could hear the disappointment in Nathan's voice over that simple word. "I'm sorry to hear that...I was really hoping you could make it..."

I shut my eyes, silently willing myself to stand my ground.

"I appreciate the invitation...I really just have a lot of work to do and I think its better if I just stay home, but thanks for the invitation."

"I understand, maybe next time," Nathan replied.

"Yeah, maybe." We both fumbled with what to say and eventually just said goodbye.

I sighed another deep breath I hadn't been aware that I was holding. I opened up my phone again and dialed quickly.
Brooke was back at work and the phone went to her voicemail so I left a message -

"Hey Brooke? It's Haley. I was thinking if you didn't have any plans tonight, maybe you could bring a movie over to the apartment...a movie and plenty of Ben and Jerry's ice cream...I think I'm gonna need it."