Again, I'm sorry for the delay. I went away for a few days and I had no service and Internet. However, I bring you the next chapter!
Numb. That's all that he could feel. Just numb, hollow.
The parchment laden with the last words that Izumo had ever written was gripped tightly in his hands, and he refused to let go, lest he misplace it and lose it. This explained very little. How did he die? How was Izumo beaten to the point of death? It didn't make sense at all, and it was something that had been permanently stuck in the recesses of his brain since he had woken up.
Kotetsu's eyes scanned over the letter again and again, waiting for some kind of explanation to jump out in front of him, but it didn't. Too late did he realise that rivers were once again pouring down his cheeks and he hurriedly wiped them away, only to have them replaced with a fresh bout of salty tears.
Disturbing Iruka about this was neither a wise nor possible option. He didn't want to disrupt the other chūnin's sleep but it was mainly due to the fact that an intrusive and rather uncomfortable instrument was still probing into his genitalia. He'll be happy to be rid of the cursed tool as soon as possible. All he had to do was wait until Sakura came around next and relieved him. Simply really; remain in a conscious state for a consecutive amount of hours and things would be begin to better.
'Tsch ' Kotetsu scoffed at himself.
'Begin to be better.' He whispered to no one, as he scooped up Izumo's ring and gazed at it sadly, which had sat unmoved on his bedside dresser since the day it was given to him; the day he had broken down, where the walls inside his head compressed his sanity to nothing but a minute iota, the day he mutilated himself...
Fear. Anger. Regret.
Everything seemed to be fighting for dominance inside himself and it was beginning to become too much of a burden to try and swallow them down. Restlessly, he pulled open the drawer to his dresser and rummaged about for his own piece of parchment and a small brush.
"Perhaps this will help." He thought haggardly to himself as he dipped the brush into a small inkwell.
"Maybe this might help me loosen up...I hope to god it does."
Slowly, shakily, Kotetsu flicked the brush out in small artistic strokes, his mind reeling and unsettled as he began to write.
"I want to believe that there's a heaven. I want to believe that you're up there looking over me and watching me down here. So if its true...I want you to see this.
What am I doing Iz? I don't understand how I'm meant to cope with everything suddenly crashing around me so heavily. When did everything just turn upside down without me realising it? When did reality suddenly decide that you needed to leave without letting me say goodbye? I don't blame you. I never could. It's just... I can't cope with this.
What am I meant to do Izumo? You were everything to me. You're still everything to me. I want to think that this is all a nightmare, and if I hurt myself enough I'll wake up and everything will be okay...
...Fuck, Iz! Who am I even trying to kid with this? I don't want to think about you never coming home. I don't want to think about how I'll never see you again. I want the monsters in my head to go away, but they won't! I need help...I need help...
I NEED HELP!
All I ever seem to do nowadays is bitch and cry. Everything sets me off...but everything reminds me of you. I can't look at myself anymore because I so stupidly fucked myself up and I'm scarred with you always.
But what am I saying? How can I ever think that being scarred with you is a bad thing?
...This is what I mean, Iz. I'm so fucked up in my head that I'm thinking that everything we did was a bad thing... I know in my heart it isn't, I just...
I can't do this.
~Kotetsu"
-x
'Iruka, can I ask you something?'
'Shoot.'
'Why is it that I feel better when you're around? I mean, I just feel a lot calmer and I can think straight.'
Iruka's mouth twisted into a line of concern as he finished wiping the last set of dishes by the sink. He sighed lightly and looked over to Kotetsu who was sitting by the kitchen table. Iruka had slept for a solid sixteen hours and when he awoke, he found a sullen Kotetsu playing solitaire in bed and called for Sakura to free him of his catheter. That was the first time that Kotetsu looked relieved about something; albeit it was only a small hurdle. Still, a good sign.
'I'm not going to lie.' Said the pony-tailed brunette.
'I've been tampering with your emotions. But it's only temporary.'
Kotetsu's brow furrowed at Iruka.
'...explain.'
With a heavier sigh, Iruka dropped his dish towel and took the seat opposite Kotetsu at the table and leant his elbows on top.
'It's a type of genjutsu.' Iruka said, straight to the point.
'It's something that I developed to help the children at the academy focus when they're studying. I use my chakra to balance out the level of endorphins in a person's body and keep it at a steady level so they can concentrate while keeping their emotions in check. It gets a little tiring casting it over an entire room but-'
Iruka's eyes clicked on Kotetsu's, and he shook his head in contemplation.
'You're the hardest person that I've ever had to manipulate, and you're just one man. There's just...you're a full bag of feelings that it's like there's one giant war inside you.'
Kotetsu blinked and kept his brow furrowed.
'Why?' He asked, staring the other chūnin down.
'Why did you do this?'
'Because I don't...I don't want you repeat this.' Iruka said, lightly brushing his fingers over Izumo's name and Kotetsu's mouth twitched angrily.
'Take it off.'
'Are you sure?'
'Do it.'
Iruka's hands twisted into a strange position and broke the jutsu. Instantly, Kotetsu felt a giant force barrel down inside like a ton of bricks slapping down onto him.
'What the fuck Iruka!' He suddenly spat out, standing up roughly from his chair and slamming his palms onto the table, listening to the drinking cups shake from the force.
'What the fuck gives you the right to think you can control me like some sort of sick puppet?!' He raged, bearing down on the other man who flinched lightly.
'You're demented you know?! I'm supposed to be coping with the fact that Iz is dead and you think that this would be a good time to experiment on me?! You're a messed up little shit, you know!'
'They're my orders-'
'I don't give a flying fuck if they're your orders! There's plenty of other ways that you can help me, and one of them would be getting your bastard face to somewhere where I can't see it before I give you another scar to match that pretty little one of yours!'
Kotetsu was panting from the sheer amount of anger his words were dripping with. He dropped his head to glare at the tabletop and tried to compose himself. Before long though, he found his breathing becoming slower and much more controlled. Looking up through his heavy lashes, he could just make out the outline of the queer pattern Iruka made with his hands previously; his fingers curled over to make an open circle while his pinkies made two smaller ones on top.
'I...I-I' Kotetsu stammered, reeling back at his words and wishing that life came with a rewind button. He wanted to take the vehement and vile string of words back and cram them down his throat.
"That's so weird." He thought, slowly sinking back into his seat.
'I'm sorry Iruka.' He said quietly, ashamed to look at the other man.
'Can you see now?' Iruka said quietly, unabashed at the sudden outburst against him.
'My job isn't to suppress what you're feeling...just ease it out.'
Kotetsu nodded quietly and swallowed. He honestly hadn't meant to be as aggressive as he was but the dam had burst and his anger flooded to the surface. Impatience, hurt, angst paranoia; they all had gotten the better of him.
'Kotetsu, are you aware of the five stages of grief?'
'The what?'
'I thought so. Basically, there are five stages that someone must go through when they are grieving and mourning, for whatever reason.'
He held up his hand and for each stage, lifted his digits until his hand was an open palm.
'Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. They occur spontaneously and in no particular order. From what I've observed, you've been through denial and depression. And, recently, anger. What you need to remember is that you don't have to go through this alone. It's why we're here and eventually, you'll learn to...pick up the pieces of your broken self.'
'Thankyou...'
'It's okay. I know this is terrible for you to deal with...
...
...
...
...I need to put more ointment on you. Sorry.'
Iruka scraped the chair back and wandered into the bathroom, now freshly cleaned of the offending crimson sea and it stank of sterilising solution. The bitter smell occasionally wafted into other rooms and tweaked up their noses; a harsh reminder of Kotetsu's brash and insane actions. Hurriedly he scooped up his small container of the green rub and a roll of bandages and pelted back to the kitchen, where he applied the cream to the lacerations of a squirming Kotetsu.
'This is the last time I'll do it for you, unless you desperately need me to, okay?' He said gently, wiping away the last traces of the lime-green and picked up the roll of bandages and wrapped one loop over Kotetsu's nose and knotted it in the back.
'There. Now you look a bit more like yourself. And look, it covers the scars perfectly. No one would ever know-'
'Iruka?'
'Yes?'
'...thank you for being my friend.'
'Always.'
The grown men sat in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts until Iruka spoke once again.
'They've held Izumo's body for you.'
Kotetsu's eyes flicked up at this and his heart caught in his throat.
'What?' He breathed.
'They've waited to bury him until you could see him yourself. Sakura told me while you were taking advantage of being able to 'go take a piss' as you put it.'
The thought of actually seeing the deceased body was another thing entirely. Kotetsu felt like he owed it to Izumo that he should. In fact, he knew deep in his heart of hearts that it was what he wanted to do. But actually going was another thing. He swallowed deeply as he thought over it.
'You don't have to as well... We'll hold the funeral and we can go to that still. I can let them know if you can't make it.'
'No.' Kotetsu stated quietly.
'Please. Take me to see him.'