The Terror of Haruhi Suzumiya and Ranma Saotome

Chapter 1 – Heres Ranma... Again?

The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi was written by Tanigawa Nagaru and published as an anime by Kyoto Animation.

Ranma was written by Takahashi Rumiko and published as an anime by Kitty Films - Fuji TV and Viz Communications, Inc.

They own their own characters and other such trademarks, only Characters that I make are owned by me.

Author Note: Jusenikusa means roughly Land of Thousand Fights. This Fic will be done in first person from Kyon's POV

"Not another fiancée!"

Like everyone else, I had assumed, I could have only stared at Ranma. The word 'another' should not have been needed. And yet that little word was there. Such a small thing yet it had conveyed so much meaning. This implied he had more then one.

Logic is an interesting thing to think about. It allows a person to connect two obvious points of reason with a line of understanding. So it can be forgiven if logic fails because one person had two different ways to think about such points of reason.

Here point one meant that Ranma had more then one fiancee, point two was that he seemed surprised that Haruhi was one of them. This meant that the line of understanding was that someone had passed ahead of him and left engagements for him in their wake, not to mention that they had done so before. Logically this might have been obvious.

Logic is interesting for another reason, it only works when you think. Here listening to him talk like this I am certain that Haruhi failed to think logically, or was that logically for the other people of the world.

"What do you mean 'another fiancée'?" Haruhi exclaimed.

It seemed that Haruhi was trying to figure this paradox out and assumed that the logical assumption was wrong. Not that I blamed her, if I had been in a situation similar then I would probably have reacted the same way.

Ranma, as if such an embarrassing situation was a common occurrence, had brought a hand up to his face. "It means that my idiot panda of a father sold me out again. What was I sold for this time?"

It seemed my logic was correct, his father had probably sold his hand in marriage to Haruhi and had done so to other girls. I also made a note, I would need to ask Ranma later about the panda insult, I had never heard panda used that way before. Now that I thought about it I really have a hard time thinking of a use to calling anyone a panda, it wasn't like you would just use such an insult casually.

Logic however was not needed for the next leap in thought, Haruhi's reaction was one that would be obvious to everyone in the class. She would use one of Haruhi's generic reactions: ignore, explode, or plan. With this was happening now, and directly involved her, this removes ignore and plan, which leaves only one possibility...

"Sold for? This time? What are you talking about? This was a long standing engagement through our grandfathers." Yelled the irate, alleged world destroyer and creator.

In retrospect I wish I had brought a camera to class, the look of total dumbfoundedness and fear on Ranma's face was a memory I wish I could have kept forever. It was perfect in the appearance of someone who had a total understanding of where they were being proved incorrect, like someone who had a map of Hokkaido and they were in Hong Kong. It was apparently that bad for him.

Ranma seemed depressed at the situation and whined out, "Great, as if dealing with arranged marriages my father set up wasn't enough, now I have to deal with my grandfather's. So what was the dowry?"

Dowry, this seemed like familiar ground to him. As I listened to the continuing conversation being carried across the room I watched thoroughly as our homeroom teacher sat in the chair behind their desk thoroughly lost to events. It seemed like everyone else agreed that this was one train crash that was too interesting to try and get back on track quickly.

Soon enough things did get back on track and Ranma got seated next to Haruhi. The first period went by slowly and I noticed our new classmate's attention slipping until during second period when he finally fell asleep. The teacher, noticing the situation, tried throwing chalk at him to wake him up but even if it did hit it did nothing but leave a slight mark on his head. Surprisingly half of the chalk sent to his head was intercepted by his hands while he slept. I was further concerned when Haruhi seemed unable to decide how to react. On one hand she seemed ready to be furious at him she also seemed enamored with him.

The next thing that happened threw the entire class for a loop. As soon as the break bell rang signifying the start of our recess break he leapt out the window. In normal schools this was meaningless, most schools had all first year students like us on the first floor, second year students on the second floor and third year students on the third floor, however since our school is on a hill this had to be altered. The ground floor had storage rooms and other rooms like a gymnasium. This in effect meant that we were on the second floor.

The entire class ran to the window, including Haruhi and myself in the fear he forgot this. We were surprised that he was walking along the ground like he just hopped off a curb, and headed for a shady evergreen tree. It didn't seem to bother him that it was mid winter, at least he had the courtesy to close the window behind himself. This was also a warning to me, Haruhi would have him a member of the SOS Brigade or kill him and probably me trying. Shortly after we realized that he was alright Haruhi ran after him, taking the door and stairs of course, probably to talk some sense into him. It was then that Taniguchi and Kunikida had taken the opportunity to come up and talk to me about the new student.

Taniguchi spoke first, "First you then this weirdo martial artist prince. What kind of magic do guys like you wield over girls anyway?"

If I knew that, it wouldn't work, since every guy would know it as well, and every girl would probably be immune. I however chose to ignore the question. If I answered in any way it would only cause problems. There were other girls in earshot and I still hoped that I could get a date sometime by the year end without paying for the entire SOS Brigade.

I was saved by Kunikida, "He is not that bad. I am sure Kyon has no such magic, he may be weird but not that weird."

I looked at Kunikida, "Thanks, I think."

I knew I could rely on him to back me up when I didn't need it. Kunikida was always a second vulture in the old school, despite anything that happened around him he would always let someone else go first. He was always the type to live events through someone else.

Taniguchi decided to try and see if Haruhi and myself were dating, however he was intelligent in his methods. He would often times ask a question similar to his real one, only he would ask it in a teasing way. In that this was a situation that he could not resist, "So how does it feel to lose Haruhi to some new student?"

Right, so I am not her primary focus anymore. Does this mean I am forgetting to party? No, I had that planned for later. After I am sure that she is fixated on him. That will leave me and Mikuru alone. That reminded me, I would have to remember to change that password soon. I didn't want those Computer Society guys getting access to that folder.

"Not just some new student, this is THE Ranma Saotome." This was said by another classmate of ours named Shinochi.

I looked out the window at the pair under a the evergreen tree, "He seems good enough as a martial artist to jump from that high and not get hurt." I figured that since his introduction included him being a martial artist and that jump earlier, this must have been what he referred to.

He followed up with a question, "Don't you guys follow what happens with general weirdness in Tokyo?"

I have a hard time tracking weirdness here in this school, forget Tokyo. That was what I wanted to say, but I doubt they would believe or know what I meant. Instead I chose to say, "Not recently." It was true enough, as since starting school here I hadn't bothered looking elsewhere for wrinkles in the fabric of accepted normality.

I also decided then to never let Haruhi meet Shinochi, again. Haruhi was a member of his club briefly and yet I felt that if she were to learn to use him as a source of information she might get it in her head to head to Tokyo and explore the natural strangeness there. Who knows what would occur if Haruhi gained knowledge of this source of weirdness.

"Ranma Saotome, heir of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, Saotome branch. Also known as the School of Indiscriminate Grappling. Specific information is hard to find due to conflicting eye witness reports. The most bizarre conflict is that his gender is in question and often comes up as a girl. Although how he can be mistaken for a girl is a mystery. The only thing that can be confirmed is what his martial arts school is. It is a school the mixes several styles together, at its height it is believed to be both the ultimate best and ultimate worst schools. Best since the nature is to be flexible, worst since very few can use it well, and they require dedication on a level that most people can not give."

That was a lot of information. How Haruhi said they had nothing to interest her I am unaware. Perhaps this bunch of book worms saw Haruhi for what she was and kept the important information from her. But i needed to confirm if I was right about him being in that club, "You are in the mystery research club"

"Yes, how did you guess"

It was as I thought, "Call it an educated guess." I decided to make a mental note to find some reason to send Haruhi back in their direction, then I remembered it was a bad idea to expose her to that kind of information. I envied their apparent good planning and Haruhi evasion technique, to bad being normal never worked for me.

Now I am forced to wonder if Haruhi had stayed long enough in that club how things would turn out. And yet I somehow picture things not being different at all. I am certain that Mikuru would probably still have gotten abducted, sorry, voluntarily arrested by Haruhi. Nagato would some how make it down there being lead by her science fiction interest, despite being an alien herself. Some how I think that Koizumi would join just to keep an eye on her. Although I do not know how I would have been pulled in with her, I do not know why I am in the SOS Brigade now anyway, so I have no defense to say I would not get involved that way.

As break ended we were treated with another surprise as Ranma jumped into the classroom with Haruhi in his arms, through the window yet again. I became positive that this was the point that that window started seeming more like a door.

As third and fourth periods became repeats of first and second period I had noticed that he did not seem to want to be here. And yet here he was.

Lunch held a mild surprise as a scream was heard from outside, "Where am I now? This is all your fault Ranma!" We never found any sign of the one who yelled, and strangely Ranma seemed annoyed and chose to ignore it.

Fifth period went by normally, however it was sixth period when things got weird, well weirder then normal. This was gym class in the gymnasium, and as per usual we got mixed with the other class so we can change into our gym clothes. As expected Haruhi reacted in the usual way of not noticing the guys still in the room. The odd part was Ranma bolted from the room at the first hint that the room became the girl's locker room. It seemed at the time that there was some innate fear in him that connected girl's changing to pain. I can almost agree to it given how we got ejected from the room when Haruhi started changing earlier in the year. Later I did ask Ranma why he bolts so much in those situations. He told me that no mater, what the circumstances, if a girl changes with in visual range of a guy, or sees a girl undressed, it means the guy is a pervert that the girl must punish. Perhaps this explains his fear of girl's changing near him.

Gym class proved that Ranma was very strong and agile. He performed every task while seemingly bored. When the teacher asked him to do a leap with triple back spin and a twist to try and get him interested, he almost fainted when Ranma did so from a standing start. The teacher probably meant to use the jump board with a running start. I started worrying, my old friend logic started doing things and drawing lines that I had not noticed. Ranma was from a family of martial artists, at least according to the mystery research club. He and Haruhi both were heavily athletic and greatly desired by the athletic clubs. Both turned them down saying they were boring. They were engaged, by family agreement. The only missing parallel so far was Haruhi as a martial artist. And that thought was one I had no desire on ever repeating. But there was one thing I had to think of then, old samurai families were notorious for intermarrying to keep the blood lines strong. That was scary enough as it was, Haruhi part of an eccentric old family of weirdos. Then again considering who I hang out with, I don't have much room to talk.

The real mystery occurred in the shower room after gym class. Ranma apparently had refused to shower with the boys and showered further down the line. He showered in very hot water, almost hot enough to burn another guy who put his hand in the water when Ranma was getting it up to temperature. Ranma also stayed in the second longest, but there was another guy who was in with him. That guy had a reputation as a prankster, whatever happened in there though he never again pranked Ranma. If it was out of terror or something else, I would only find out much later.

Unsurprisingly Ranma was dragged to the SOS Brigade meeting after school. It seemed like he and I had something in common. It was better then nothing, so we showed up. This was a decision on his part I can safely say he regretted in retrospect. By now Mikuru was mostly used to the loud bang, even if it is only a psychological one, when the door is locked, so it was with a little worry when Ranma flinched the same way when Haruhi trapped him in the room. I barely caught his glance at the window, of course since he is on the same floor as this morning, only a separate building, he could surely make that escape. It was at that moment that I realized how much I wished I could do just that at times, but how would I be able to leave poor Mikuru behind?

I watched as Haruhi cornered Ranma and started grilling him trying to get information from him, any information. Haruhi would probably be happy with anything that Ranma would consider normal.

I heard Ranma say to Haruhi, "You don't want me to answer that do you?"

Poor Ranma, he still had not figured out that there was almost no way to win against Haruhi. It can be done, but must be done carefully. The closest comparison in stopping a Haruhi plan is like changing tracks for a train. You have to do it before the train has come, and if you don't want the train driver to know it was changed you have to be careful not to get seen by him. Making a Haruhi plan not go too far takes planning.

I then noticed after more arguing between the two that Ranma was every bit as stubborn as Haruhi. At this point my danger senses went off and I turned around. Haruhi had initiated the soul damaging glare, the glare that can cause any guy to fall apart and give in. I internally counted down and was about to turn around when I heard Ranma say, "If you want to know so badly here."

I dared to turn around and saw Haruhi flipping through a book, it was small and black, and looked like the type of book that Taniguchi kept his girl ratings in. If it was something like that then he might as well have just given Haruhi a hit list.

"I can't believe it, most of them have better figures then me!" Haruhi exclaimed out of indignation. And confirming my fears, "Except for this tomboy, I mean she is built like a brick, and it shows in this photo. And the measurements? How did you get those anyway?"

This argument continued on and I barely paid any attention to it, no guy wants to admit how they get a girl's measurements, at least to girl, and rarely to another guy, unless he is bragging. I, of course, figured it out later, and had to promise Ranma that I would not tell anyone, but then that was later.

The greatest shocker of the day occurred after the meeting, after Ranma and Haruhi left. Apparently Haruhi wanted to escort Ranma home, or was that stalk, since he seemed to not want her to know where he lived. A great and intelligent move, shame it failed like any glimmer of hope and peace near Haruhi. Then again Haruhi's sealed realities were usually dark, I may have only had experiences in two, and they were at night, but it is enough to set the belief in motion. At the time I felt sorry for Ranma, but that changed quickly.

"He is the same as Haruhi."

I nearly jumped out of my chair and stared at Nagato, but I did glance at her to confirm she did indeed say that. Unfortunately for my belief that there was a kind god it did appear that she did in deed say that. I was forced to remember the last sealed reality event where she nearly erased the world and started over. If she did actually do so, then that might mean that she truly is a goddess... and that she's doing everything in her power to destroy my sanity.

Koizumi, with his ever present smile, spoke up in agreement with Nagato, "I agree, the feeling I get when near Haruhi, I got when Ranma was close by. It wasn't even noticeable until he was right next to me, then I could only wonder how I missed it. After he took a few steps away the feeling was gone."

I wished I did not just hear that. This could mean that I have to watch out for Ranma or Haruhi erasing the world and resetting it.

Koizumi only shrugged his shoulders when I looked at him.

Then Mikuru spoke up herself before I could decide on an appropriate response, "Um, does this mean we need to monitor both of them?"

Poor Mikuru, she must be more in over her head then I am.

Nagato answered the question, "It would appear so, he has the same data creation, but near zero radius. Perhaps a chrysalid?"

To me this meant the fan was turned on, it was on top of a hill and several monkeys were at the bottom armed and ready to fling. Why, I wondered, didn't I get myself into this situation years ago when I was naïve enough to think that I could handle this. So I had to ask, "So what do we do?"

Koizumi shrugged and still wearing his never fading smile replied, "The same thing we have been doing."

If I were violent I would have decked him, and I am certain I would enjoy it. However, I am also aware I am beyond being in over my head and he is holding one of the three ropes that are keeping me from drowning. I got the feeling that there were more monkeys and a bigger fan then I first thought.

That night while laying in bed I could only worry about what the future would bring. Going to bed is an interesting time for some people. I have been told that some people can just fall asleep as soon as their heads hit their pillows, I am not one of those people. For my types this is the best time to think, you are free of distractions and have time to let your self review the day. Tonight though my last point of review would lead to nightmares, nothing so bad that another person at the school would notice but I combined a few details that I knew and ran through a list.

The main points were: Ranma had multiple fiancees, Ranma was the same as Haruhi in many ways, athletic, popular even on his first day, and apparently he had the potential of erasing the entire world. My nightmare that night was of Ranma and Haruhi making my life hell, the one point I could not figure out was why Ranma was female at the time. I guessed it was just what I was told about them being the same that threw me for a loop.

The next day was more normal as it did not contain Ranma jumping out the window, neither was there a scream of hatred from outside. Yet there was a single strange occurrence involving Ranma. I had opted to talk to him after we left school for the day. In the end we ended up walking towards his current residence. Eventually I had to ask, "So how did you become a prince in that place in China?"

Ranma looked at me with a glare that would have wilted anyone who has not had to deal with Haruhi. Eventually he had relented, "I got drafted." after he said that he snorted and tried to let things drop.

This confused me though. Usually a person gets drafted by a higher authority into putting you in their services or services of another. Such as getting drafted into an army during wartime, or getting coerced by a peer or co-worker into volunteer or committee work, or even forced by a cute girl to join a strange club with weird and vague objectives. To be picked off the street of a foreign country and forced to become a ruler of a new country can not even be calculated at such a small possibility, therefore he must not be telling everything.

So being the cat about to be killed by the dangerous demon known as curiosity I am, I had to clarify, "Did they just pick you at random or was there a reason?"

Ranma laughed, almost maniacally so, then he responded, "I think it was their idea of revenge, they all wanted it, and they dumped their problems on me like everyone else."

I tried to picture what he described and what I knew about him. The clearest picture was several people standing around who owned large piece of land accusing him of dishonoring marriage commitments and someone accusing him of some offense forcing him to become a prince so he could be held responsible for their problems for them. A sacrificial wolf in lamb's clothing. That picture would only prove more correct as time went on.

We continued our hike and it was then I realized he lived near me, suddenly he grabbed me and before I knew what was happening we were airborne and three stories up and going backwards towards a roof, where he put me down.

"Hey ya P-chan! What annoyed you today?" Ranma had yelled as he jumped down leaving me on the roof. I gazed to where I was standing before and saw another guy there with a large backpack and wielding an umbrella like a sword. But that wasn't what worried me, where I was standing was a small crater and the epicenter seemed to be the tip of the umbrella. I realized if Ranma was any slower I would have been Haruhi's next great interest, something that I had no desire of being.

I watched in wonder as the fight unfolded. The one who Ranma called P-chan was obviously out classed and Ranma was good enough of a fighter that I understood what Shinochi meant when he called him THE Ranma Saotome. To call him good or even a great martial artist was an insult to the skill and power he displayed. Both combatants obviously outclassed any athlete I had ever seen, to even compare Ranma to an Olympic anything, would be like saying that a cheetah is only a little faster then the Lion. Both are fast, but the cheetah is without fail the fastest, even if it is just for short bursts.

Both, of the blind to collateral damage brawlers, seemed to be trading blows and neither seemed to have an edge over the other. Oddly when Ranma jumped to a light pole to dodge some sort of explosion, P-chan ran away from the fight. Ranma explained later that the one who he was fighting simply got lost. At the time I had assumed that he meant figuratively, it was much later that I learned better.

It is with full irony that sometime after the event that I can understand how I cam to be known as Kyon by what happened to P-chan. Both of us disliked our well known name, but would never be rid of it.

Shortly after the fight we went separately to our respective homes for the night.