Chapter 11 – Surrender (Edward's POV)

"Stop it," I warn Alice sternly.

"I'm not doing anything," Alice protest as she looks up from her book.

It's been several days since I returned from my impromptu hunting trip with Emmett. Since I've been back my sister's mind has been filled with images of Blair and I, in love and happy. Like neither of us have ever loved before.

"You know what I'm talking about," I whisper, "Your thoughts… I can see them."

"I can't help what I'm thinking Edward," Alice says.

"I can. What if I was to tell you those thoughts have absolutely no chance of becoming a reality?"

"I'd ask you who you were trying to convince," Alice quips.

I stare at her, "Alice…" I begin.

Alice closes her book and moves over to the couch next to me, "its ok to move on," she says, "You want Bella to, why don't you deserve the same happiness?"

"I don't deserve any happiness. I don't deserve anything," I whisper, my heart once again aching at the thought of Bella, "What I've done to her."

"You gave up your happiness to enable her to live a full and happy normal existence. To avoid suffering what we suffer every day. You didn't do anything wrong," Alice argues.

I look at my hands, allowing Alice's words to sink in.

"Edward," Alice whispers softly, "you've never denied having feelings for Blair."

I nod, "If I allow it, it makes everything with Bella seem less somehow."

Alice smiles, "No, it doesn't."

I stand suddenly angry, why did she not understand? Alice had always been the one who understood.

"Yes it does! If I surrender to Blair, then I'm no longer Bella's. I'd been waiting for Bella for my entire life. I'd been waiting to feel what it was like to feel. She brought that to me. If I give in to this thing with Blair than all that becomes obsolete," I tug a hand through my hair, frustrated.

Alice stands and places her tiny hands on my shoulders, "If you shut yourself off from feeling once more, than it becomes obsolete. Then everything you had with her would be for nothing. You wanted the best for Bella; don't you think she'd want that for you to?"

Hours later I am sitting in my room with a book in my hands, but I'm not reading. I'm thinking about Alice's words. Was she right? Was I allowed to love again?

My thoughts are interrupted when my door flies open with no warning. Blair storms in, her long brown hair whisking in fury. I look down at my book, trying to appear unthreatened by her sudden entrance.

"Oh, no you don't!" Blair snaps taking the book from hands and flinging it into a wall. It hits with such force that the cover comes apart from the book. I know I should be angry but somehow I am amused at watching her tantrum.

"Don't you smirk at me!" Blair says, "We are talking."

"Fine," I agree standing so that I tower over her, she's not intimidated.

"We kissed," she states, so quickly and suddenly that I falter. I can't answer her.

Blair doesn't look away from my gaze, "Edward, you and I we kissed. We were talking and then we kissed and then you left."

"Blair," I say slowly, "I don't need the replay. I was there."

"Goddamit Edward!" Blair stamps her foot, "Don't do this. You kissed me. You initiated it!"

"I know this Blair," I roll my eyes, feeling some frustration as she places the responsibility onto my shoulders.

"Why?" she asks softy her tone changing into pleading, "Why did you kiss me?"

"I don't know. Really Blair, I wish I could give you some answers, but I don't have them just now," I tell her.

It's not the answer she wanted to hear. Her head drops and I can no longer see her face. I don't want to hurt her. I place my hands on her shoulders.

"Blair," I whisper, as I let my hands run down her arms and take her hands in mine. I lower my head trying to find her gaze but she keeps it hidden from me, "I'm sorry."

She lifts her head, her eyes wet with tears, but her face holds strong, "No," she says, "You do know. You feel something for me. I know this because I feel something for you. And I get it; believe me Edward I get it. We both were in love before we met. Consumed by it and if we feel for each other we feel like we devalue what we once had. But I refuse to avoid it any longer."

I let go of her hands, taken back by how forward she is being. She's so aggressive and determined a trait I admire and hate all at once, "Blair…"

"Tell me I'm wrong," she says, "tell me that I'm way off base and that I've made this all up in my head."

I turn away from her, but she moves so quickly that she's in front of me again, "just tell me" she demands.

"And if I don't?" I ask, the pressure of the last few days finally gets to me, my voice turns cold and for some reason I am full of anger, "If I tell you that you've made it all up will you run off again forcing me to chase you?"

To my surprise she stays calm, "No. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize and leave then leave the room and go downstairs and take Jasper up on his invitation to go hunting this weekend."

I realize that she's not presenting me with an ultimatum and that she's not forcing herself on me. She just needs answers. We stand there, less than an arm's reach apart, although we are not touching, not even looking at each other in the eye. When I don't say anything Blair finally breaks the silence, "I'm sorry Edward."

As she goes to step around me I feel a sudden pull, like I'm falling or slipping off the earth. I feel as though I'm being sucked into darkness and I realize I don't just love Blair, but I need her. My arm swings out and I take her wrist and pull her towards me with such force our bodies crash into one another. This doesn't stop me from tangling my arms around her and kissing her. She kisses me back, her arms wrapping around my neck, and I can feel her body move upwards and she stands on her toes trying to pull me closer. I lift her up and move her to the couch, laying her down beneath me. I pull back and stare at her, I look translating between us. She nods slightly and I slowly begin to reach for her clothes, feeling the world wash away around us.