Chapter 12 – Guilt (Blair's POV)

"Sometimes I forget that putting myself first isn't selfish, but necessary."

I miss sleeping. Not just because of my incessant Audrey Hepburn dreams but because after sex you could pretend to drift off into a slumber and avoid talking about what just happened. If I could fall asleep now, Edward would be able to slip out of the room and we could avoid the awkwardness.

But I'm prisoner, held on a couch while I pathetically try and cover myself with Edward's shirt. He sits before me wearing only his jeans. He doesn't meet my eyes, although I'm not necessarily trying to meet his either.

"I'm sorry," I finally whisper.

Edward's head snaps up at this, "You are?"

"Aren't you?" I shake my head confused.

"Should I be?" he cocks his head to the side.

"Well don't you regret it?" I ask, frustration filling my voice.

"Is regret what one feels after?" Edward's brow furrows.

I sigh frustrated, "Oh for goodness sake Edward. It's like talking to a robot that has suddenly become self-aware!"

To my surprise Edward laughs, "Blair…" he shakes his head, still chuckling to himself and takes my hands in his.

"Why are you laughing?" I ask.

"Because I don't think I regret it. Alice was right. I'm where I need to be."

The weight of Edward's words sit heavily in the air between us as I try to process what has just been said. Does he mean that he is willing to try and move on? With me? Am I ready?

"Are you here with me?" Edward's hand cups my face and I lean into it.

"I am," I whisper and close my eyes trying to enjoy the moment.

"Guilt is to the spirt, what pain is to the body."

This just in…..

Spotted: Chuck Bass returning home from his stay is the Ostroff Centre. Was it only a month ago our resident brooding bad boy needed his stomach pumped after his cocktails of medication and alcohol? Daddy dearest has been trying to spin it as an accident but anyone who knows Chuck Bass knows that he knows far too much about such substances to make a mistake. Which begs the question: Why would Chuck Bass no longer want to live the life that so many would die for?

I don't know why I did it. Why did I check Gossip Girl? Why now? I should have just assumed he'd be ok. But he's not. And it's my fault. No seven step program can help him. I have to. I run my fingers over Chuck's image on the computer screen. He looks…..dry. It's an unusual word to describe him but it's what comes to mind. His hair is without its usual product and lifts from his head. His skin looks grey and dehydrated. His eyes lack sparkle and mystery. There's no glimmer or twinkle that he gets when plotting a really good scheme or night. He is dying.

"Blair?" Alice interrupts my thoughts and I quickly snap off the computer screen, but she waves her hand dismissively, "I already know."

"Know what?" I ask cautiously.

"You. Edward," she says.

I don't bother to deny, "That's not what you want to talk to me about, is it?"

"You both could be happy with each other," she says, "I've seen it."

"But?"

"What are you planning to do him? Chuck?" Alice asks.

I look down, guilty, "I was going to make him forget. Not everything. Just that he had feelings for me. Is that awful?"

Alice hesitates, "I think that it is wise."

I gape at her, "seriously? I thought you'd be against it."

"He won't stop. It's different to Edward and Bella. He made no promise to you to stay safe. And he doesn't know where you are or if this was his fault. I think it's best for him," she says.

I nod knowing what she means.

"Everyone has the right to be happy, without feeling guilty."

"Where are you going?" Edward appears suddenly in my doorway, leaning against the frame like he had been there all along. He looks at the bag on my bed which I am filling with clothes.

"Home," I state as I fold up a blouse gently.

Edward pushes himself off the frame and straightens up, "What?"

"It's not what you think," I say turning to him, "but I can't explain."

Edward stands before me suddenly placing his hands on my shoulders, bowing his head to meet my eyes.

"Try" he breathes, "for me."

"I need to check on a few thinks," I say, knowing that offers no further help.

"Blair, did I do something?" he says concerned.

"No," I shake my head, "no. Edward I don't regret last night, and I want to keep exploring whatever this is. But I can't until I know my loved ones are ok. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I need to."

To my surprise Edward is nodding, "me too. But we should do this together."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Come with me to Forks, so I can check on Bella. Then we'll go to New York and check on your family and friends," he says.

I know that he may not like my plans for Chuck, but I also know that when he sees the state of him, he'll agree given that the alternative will have dire consequences for our relationship. I also know that having him with me will remind why it is so important I let go.

"Ok, let's go say good-bye."