A/N: Just a warning, there is a detailed description of a panic attack in this chapter.

Chapter Eight: Yuuri vs. Himself: Narrowly Escaping Death by Nervous Breakdown

Nearly a month later, the concepts of "passion" and "confidence" as they applied to Quidditch felt significantly less abstract than they had before Victor came along. In addition to a lot of technical tips, which Yuuri picked up without too much trouble, Victor was full of more...meta-type advice, like "detaching yourself from the game" and "clearing your mind" and "knowing you will catch the Snitch." That last one was eluding Yuuri.

"You can't really know something is going to happen until it happens," he told Victor.

Victor looked him straight back in the face. "Yes, you can."

Okay then. Whatever you say, Victor. Yuuri just nodded and flew off in the other direction.

Yuuri was feeling a lot better about himself three weeks later, mainly due to the sharp improvement in his technical skills. Unfortunately, something in the back of his mind kept reminding him that his technical skills were pretty good in the first place and that he was focusing on that to avoid dealing with the real problem—which was falling to pieces whenever he got nervous.

"Ready to face Suzaku next weekend?" Takeshi asked, flopping down next to Yuuri in the shoin. Victor was getting some one-on-one tutoring in Transfiguration tutoring with their teacher due to his abysmal performance on their last quiz.

Well, when you put it so bluntly... "Uh..."

"Relax," Takeshi said, slapping him on the back. "Just because I overheard Kokoro Matsumoto bragging about how great their new Seeker is..."

"What?!" Yuuri sat up and stared at him.

"Oh yeah, she's apparently unstoppable," Takeshi continued breezily. "She's a fourth year. Crazy, right? Have you ever seen a fourth-year player before?"

"No," Yuuri swallowed. Don't ask, warned a voice in his head that sounded like Victor's, you don't want to know. "What...what's so special about her?"

"Kokoro said she caught the Snitch in less than thirty seconds at tryouts," Takeshi said. "Twice."

"Twice?!"

"Yeah," Takeshi told him. "They tried it again to see if the first time was just a fluke, but apparently she really is that good."

Yuuri flashed back to his own tryout four years ago, when he'd made the team by finding the Snitch in ten minutes. Everyone had been really impressed by that...

He felt cold sweat prickling at his neck...less than thirty seconds...It was as if everything he and Victor had worked on for the last few weeks just dribbled out of his brain through his ears. He was going to lose his first game of the year to a child in front of the whole school—and worse, in front of Victor. Oh God. Oh God. Oh—

"What are you talking about over there?" demanded Yuuko's voice from across the room.

"Quidditch," Takeshi called back. "Why— "

"Because Yuuri has that look on his face," said Yuuko, eyes narrowing. "Whatever you're telling him, knock it off."

"I was just— "

"Get over here," she ordered him. "I can't leave you guys alone for thirty seconds, can I?" Thirty seconds...

Just then, Victor entered the room. Yuuri wasn't sure what it was about his face that was giving away his panic to Yuuko, but apparently Victor saw it too because his eyebrows knitted as he strode directly over to him. Takeshi made himself scarce.

"What's on your mind?" he asked Yuuri, dropping his bag in a chair.

"Nothing," Yuuri replied automatically. Then he decided that he owed it to Victor to at least try to be honest. "Just the game next week..."

"Oh, you're nervous?" Victor said. "I remember my first game with the Skrzak, I was nervous then too."

"What happened?" Yuuri asked. Maybe he wasn't alone—maybe Victor had frozen too, and lost horribly.

"Oh I caught the Snitch in thirty seconds. It broke the record for a debut player in Russia."

Awesome.

"Oh," said Yuuri. It had to be either "oh" or screaming, so he went with "oh."

"Do you feel better now?" Victor prodded.

"Yeah," said Yuuri, but it was such an obvious lie that there was no way Victor wouldn't pick up on it. He decided it was a good time for a subject change. "How...How did your extra Transfiguration go?" Also feeble.

"Nice try," Victor sang, leaning forward and getting all up in Yuuri's personal space. Victor did that a lot and Yuuri was starting to get used to it, but when he was seconds from a panic attack it was the last thing in the world he wanted.

Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! his mind screamed at him.

"I'm...I'm going to bed," Yuuri announced, standing on wobbly legs. He didn't know if he'd feel better alone in his room, but he was pretty sure he couldn't feel worse than he did right now.

"Yuuri— "

Yuuri was through the doors in a heartbeat and—he knew it was so rude but he couldn't help it—he cast a spell to lock Victor and Takeshi out of the room. He collapsed facedown onto his bed and tried to take a breath.

His chest was unbearably tight, his pulse thudding like a bass drum in his ears until he was drowning in the sound of his own blood rushing through his body. It was so loud that it was overwhelming his other senses—he barely noticed his own sweating, or the taste of bile in his mouth until he felt like he was going to vomit. He just wanted to get away, but there was nothing to get away from.

Oddly enough, the thought that he had already gotten as far "away" as he could was the thing that seemed to slow his heartbeat. Yuuri could never predict what exactly would help when he got like this. It was frustratingly inconsistent—sometimes being positive did the trick, other times sinking into despair and accepting the fate of his doom seemed to be the way to go, and he never knew what would work until it happened. Someone was knocking softly on the door, probably Victor, and as soon as he'd wiped the sweat off his face and hands onto the bedsheet, he got up and peeked into the shoin.

It was Phichit—not Victor—and that was a good thing because he suddenly knew that Phichit was the person he wanted to see most.

"You okay in there?" Phichit asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Yuuri lied. "Just a stomachache."

"You haven't had one of those in a while," Phichit commented, leaning on the doorframe. Yuuri got the feeling that they both knew he wasn't talking about his stomach, but he was perfectly content keeping up the ruse just in case Phichit really did think that the gyudon they'd had for dinner hadn't sat well with him. Victor was talking quietly in the corner with Yuuko, but he had clearly noticed that Yuuri had emerged because he gave a side-eye to Phichit's back.

"I know," Yuuri told him. "I'm fine now." Maybe if he repeated it enough times, he'd actually start to believe it.

No such luck. Even his teachers noticed something was wrong as the week wore on. Yuuri found himself repeatedly fantasizing about going backwards in time during History of Magic—medieval wizards didn't have to worry about House Quidditch matches against eleven-year-old prodigies, and Yuuri started wondering if maybe he wouldn't have done better in like, the Dark Ages.

Yuuri and Victor spent most of the morning on November 12th, the day before the match with Suzaku, practicing alone in the air over the pitch. Yuuri had to admit that things seemed to be going well—he'd caught the Snitch consistently and repeatedly from the various angles Victor had him practicing—although he still hadn't nailed every diving trick.

Yuuri had been hovering close to the waves when he heard a sort of rumbling sound coming from the sea. An earthquake? No, Yuuri had felt those before and this wasn't like that. It sounded like something rising out of the ocean, like a whale or—as he suddenly remembered where he'd heard the noise before, the mast of the Durmstrang ship broke the surface of the water.

A smile broke out over Victor's face when he caught sight of it.

"Looks like Yurio's paying us another visit," he commented gleefully. "Just in time for the match!" Great, just what I need, thought Yuuri. A bigger audience for my inevitable defeat.

Yurio had evidently decided to go for an all-out No-Maj look today—he wore sneakers, skinny black jeans and a needlessly flashy leopard-print bomber jacket over a t-shirt emblazoned with a lion. Cats were apparently a thing with him. He came out carrying only his broomstick and wand. Yuuri supposed that the tiger-striped suitcase was still on the ship. Yakov called out after him:

"Yuratchka! Come back after lunch, you hear me?"

"Don't be such a nag!" Yurio shouted back. "Victor!"

"Privyet! Have you come to see the match?" Victor called down to him.

"Apparently someone told Yakov about Catch the Snitch," Yurio yelled back, "and he told Levsky— "

"Oh, Levsky!" Victor cried. "Is he your captain this year?"

"After you abandoned us!" Yurio bellowed. "He said it was a disgrace that I lost to the Japanese piggy and he wanted me to come watch the matches so I'd learn something. Like I need your help." Yurio marched up the stairs leading from the shore to the cliff side.

Victor turned to Yuuri.

"I didn't tell Yakov about the Catch the Snitch. Did you?" he whispered.

Yuuri shook his head. He'd never even spoken to Yakov.

"Oh well! It's time for lunch anyway." Victor began his descent and Yuuri followed after him.

Yurio picked the right day to come for lunch—it was katsudon again. He wolfed down three helpings as though he hadn't eaten since the last time they saw him.

"Hey," Yurio suddenly barked across the shokudou, "why are you staring at me, asshole?"

Yuuri thought this was a bit rich, coming from someone who had spent the entire meal glancing over at the Komainu table between every bite. Yuuri was able to follow his gaze to the Komainu Keeper, Otabek Altin, who glared confusedly at Yurio before going back to his meal. He considered pointing out the hypocrisy to Yurio, but decided not to interrupt Victor, who continued talking about Quidditch as though Yurio hadn't said anything.

"We were working on dives this morning," Victor continued. "Yuuri is still working on pulling out of a sideways—are you listening to me?"

"What?" said Yurio. He was staring over at the Komainu section again.

"I thought you said you were supposed to be learning about Quidditch. Who are you staring at?"

Victor turned around obviously, craning his neck in the search for the source of Yurio's distraction.

"Stop that," Yurio hissed, grabbing wildly for Victor's wrist in an attempt to wrench him back around.

"Do you know him?" Yuuri asked Yurio.

"Know who?" he snapped. "I don't know who you're talking about."

"You were looking at the Komainu Keeper. Otabek, right?"

"No I wasn't," Yurio shot back. "There's something wrong with your eyesight, Katsudon. Probably why you're going to lose tomorrow."

He refused to say anything else for the rest of the meal and kept his eyes trained directly on Victor and Yuuri, as though daring them to accuse his gaze of wandering again.