This is probably the most eventful dinner I have ever had in Seoul in the three years I've been here. Sure, I've eaten in fancier hotels. Sure, I have tasted a lot of good sushi platters in my lifetime—but nothing compares to the frightening feeling of sitting across your company's co-founder, eating fancy sushi and drinking like long-time mates. I'm actually glad I'm wearing something appropriate for a fancy hotel dinner with my boss.
"You know I'm not surprised you like sashimi," Producer JYP says, picking up his silver chopsticks.
"Why?" I timidly ask. I realize that my boss speaks to me in English when we're in a casual setting just like this, and he doesn't really do that with other employees. Mark's American, but does he talk to him in English just like this?
"Because you seem to like eating healthy food—I mean, that's just my impression of you. You seem like the kind of person who eats organic, you know?"
"You mean like you and Jackson?" I comment, bravely chuckling. He laughs along. It's a running joke in the industry that JYP only consumes organic stuff and that he somehow passed this habit to Jackson. "Why do you think I only eat organic food?"
"Because you have really nice, healthy skin and that's one indicator." I nod, fascinated by his love for all things organic. "You know," He adds while watching me eat a piece of tuna sashimi. It melts in my mouth the minute I chew it and I can't help but let out a happy sigh. "If I didn't see your impressive resume before the interview when you applied as a video producer, I would have scouted you to be a trainee,"
I stop chewing. He laughs when my eyes go wide and I shake my head furiously. "Oh, PD-nim! Mianheyo... [I'm sorry...] But that's just bollocks. I'm too old to be a trainee and my voice is just—I'm not that awful but you have Jamie Park and I could only sound like her when she's sick."
He laughs loudly. His laughter is so contagious even the servers can't help but smile. I take a sip of my wine while waiting for him to climb down from his happy high. We talk about my favorite JYP artists, why I wanted to work for his company, and why I think no other sushi will taste the same now that I've eaten a platter of the best (not to mention most expensive) sushi in town with him. He laughs and he laughs and he laughs with so much enthusiasm and I keep on wondering where he gets his energy.
"Ah, you're so fun to eat with! I'm finally getting why the boys are gaining weight so fast based on their physical assessments," He mentions it so casually that I almost didn't realize the sudden turn of vibe.
"Sorry, who's gaining weight?" I ask. I've known about industry practices like the monthly assessments way before I joined JYP. As a K-Pop fan, it is a must to know how much hard work idols put into their careers. When you start knowing that they're basically forced to diet and workout to maintain a specific weight, or that they only get to sleep for several hours a week because of practices, you start appreciating them more.
"I've been told the boys are getting heavier every assessment, which is absolutely good! We've been telling Mark and BamBam to gain some muscle for years. Tell me, what are you feeding them?"
"Uhhh... I..." I don't know what else to say so I decide to just casually admit to my guilt. "Well, mostly Western food," I answer fretfully. "I can cook chicken wings and burgers but I can never learn how to make sushi..."
He smiles, nods at me and sips his wine. I start toying with the tuna sashimi on my plate. Am I getting fired?
"I see," He sets his empty wine glass down which prompts the servers to refill it instantly. I consciously wait for him to break the news of my unemployment over sushi. "Sarang-ssi..." He leans closer to the table and my heart starts pounding in my chest. "For what it's worth, I'd like to say sorry and thank you," He says, speaking in Korean once again.
I ask him why, and he smiles at me with his earnest eyes. "Because these boys are strangers and I know they keep coming to your home, which has been quiet for the past three years. I have to admit I am concerned about your—and their—privacy and security...for obvious reasons."
We fall into uneasy silence, the producer because he's gauging my reaction, and me because I'm gauging his sincerity.
"Well, the thing is..." I start, heart still beating fast despite my will to deliver my next words in the most honest way I could. "I never thought of them as strangers." The producer nods at me and smiles kindly, making me want to elaborate on the matter further. "I've always felt that, because I see their faces on my screen all the time, they've become my friends, more than my workmates."
"I see..." He says, mulling it over.
I finally realize where this is heading so I steer the conversation to that path without warning. "Which is why I wish to apologize about what happened three weeks ago..." I say, my voice soft and almost incomprehensible. I take a deep breath before explaining everything in full detail: The party, the drinking, the decision to make everyone stay until the morning, and the photos.
*Flashback*
After a few more rounds of Yugyeom's truth or dare game, JB, Jinyoung, Mark and I decided to make everyone stay because everyone in the room looked terribly drunk and I didn't want to risk sending my guests home in that state. So I laid mattresses and blankets for the boys in the living room and told the girls to sleep in my bedroom at least until the sun comes up.
I was left alone in the kitchen, busily cleaning up the mess despite the weird feeling in my stomach brought about by the numerous glasses of wine and champagne I had. I wasn't drunk, but I knew I wasn't completely sober either... and I knew that because I couldn't quite remember which of the boys hugged me from behind while I was washing the dishes.
"Are you not going to turn around?" The voice asked. It was deep... but that was all I could remember.
"No," I smirked.
"Why?" He asked, his warm breath fanning the side of my neck.
I remember biting my lip so hard, the wound I got from earlier that evening started to hurt again. I remember moaning and immediately masking it with a hearty giggle.
"I'm not turning around because I know that if I do you're going to kiss me..."
"And you don't want that?" He said, tentatively letting his arms around my waist loose.
"I want that..." I said, shifting on my feet slyly. "But I wouldn't want that for you." It was supposed to be a whisper, but it came out as a quiet growl. He chuckled then left, and I remember fighting the will to turn around until I hear his footsteps fading.
The morning after our New Year's Day Party, photos of Jackson, Henry, and Amber leaving my apartment building circulated through SNS. Apparently, some sasaeng fans followed SM Entertainment's van and saw Henry swaggering unsteadily in his clothes the night before, donning a pair of huge sunglasses that was obviously way too girly to be his. Jackson was only trying to help Amber keep him upright but he ended up getting inside the van when the fans tried to chase them.
JB and I watched in shock from my balcony as the car sped away before the fans could take any more compromising photos. I immediately pushed JB inside before he gets noticed. "What do we do?" He asked, his brows tied in a knot on his forehead and his jaw jutted out fiercely. I looked around the mess inside my apartment, desperate for a solution.
"Ah," I said, snapping my fingers. "We'll sneak you guys out while Mina and Jenny stand guards outside. Jackson will probably be in your dorm soon. We're going to have to ask Hee Noona for help," I answered. JB hissed at my problematic exit plan involving GOT7's new manager but nodded anyway. It wasn't like he had any other choice. I quickly dialed Jackson's phone.
Jenny and Mina left through the front doors of my apartment complex and immediately informed me that the fans were still waiting in the park outside my building, hoping more idols would show up. Jackson managed to borrow a friend's car and drove to the basement parking unnoticed. Before any of the sasaeng fans knew it the car was gone and I was left in my apartment alone, cleaning up while trying to figure out who it was that I rejected last night.
*Flashforward*
"PD-nim..." I say, standing up from my seat. My chair makes a loud, embarrassing sound and everyone in the restaurant turns to look at us. JYP watches me with eyes wide in shock. "I know my bad decisions have caused many inconveniences. Jeosonghamnida. [I apologize.]" I do a 90-degree bow, and I thank the heavens that my high heels are preventing me from coming face to face with my plate.
"A-ani, ani, [No, no,] you don't have to any sorry!" He says, waving his hand at me. He stands up and taps my shoulder before pushing my chair forward like a true gentleman. "Sarang-ssi, you must have misunderstood. I'm not mad about the house party. The management barely even noticed it,"
"What is it then?"
"Well, honestly," The PD-nim seems to be at a loss for words. Who wouldn't be? I basically dragged this fancy dinner into the awkward zone. "I just wanted to understand your relationship with the boys better,"
Silence.
I tell myself not to be on the defense because I never really did anything wrong. It's just that in this country, and in this culture, it's not very common for a girl to invite boys over to hang out. "Well, we're all friends... I am especially close to the foreign members because we have this understanding, you know?" My boss nods in agreement. I admit that we talk a lot via SMS and Kakao, but that I feel uncomfortable talking casually with them while at work. I tell him that they would call or FaceTime me whenever they're bored and they almost always end up coming over to just eat and talk.
"I know why it's important for you to understand the dynamics of our friendship," I continue in English, my voice soft and my convictions solid. "Believe me, your concerns are the same as my concerns. But I did talk to JB about this and we both agree that if the boys ever need an outlet, they need someone who's also from the inside. They may be idols, but they're humans too. They need a safe place to be themselves, away from cameras and work issues. They want to feel normal, and relaxed and maybe my apartment is the closest to normal they could get..."
He nods, a small smile forming on his face. "Well, I trust you and JB, so I know the boys are safe. There are only two things I—and, of course, the management—would like to ask from you."
The word management rings in my ears like a bell. I feel fidgety again. "What is it?" I ask.
"First, we need you to be very careful whenever they're in your care." I nod dutifully. "Second, and most importantly..."
I watch one of South Korea's best producers pick up another sushi from the platter in the middle of our table. He eats it with much gusto and stares back at me with a knowing smile. "Please don't date any of the boys. You do know about the dating ban, right?"
I feel the hairs at the back of my neck stand up. Jackson once told me that one thing Park Jinyoung—the CEO—and Park Jinyoung—the GOT7 member—had in common was their ability to read people well. Now I know exactly why he said that.
"I know," I say, half laughing as I try to shake away the image of Mark touching my lip and the feeling of someone's arms wrapping illicitly around me just a few days ago. "Of course I won't, that's not going to happen at all."
There's a certain pull in my chest when the words escaped my mouth. Of course he needed to drive to point that the boys are not allowed to date anyone until three years after their debut. Of course I can't fall in love with them. Of course.
"Wae?" [Why?] He says, animatedly pointing his chopsticks at me. "You're such a pretty girl! Even the people in our company think so. You've gotten popular in the company because you don't look or dress like a regular employee, don't you know that?"
"Aishhh, that's not true,"
"It is true! Isn't your mother the famous jewel designer from Sydney and your dad the hotelier from Busan? No matter how hard you try to dress normal, you still look rich to me," My insides suddenly drop and he catches the look on my face the moment he drops another bomb at me. I eat another piece of sashimi with a silent smile.
"Sarang-ssi, I think one of the reasons the boys like you is because you're truly very humble. You're an heiress. I knew who you were based on your last name but I still hired you because you said you were confident that you can bring something new to the company and none of the applicants that day ever said those words."
I feel my heart leaping out of my chest once more. I haven't told anyone about my parents' jobs, nor have I told anyone about what my life really was like in Australia. Do the boys know?
I open up to JYP a little more and tell him that when people ask me, I always just say that my mom is a jewelry designer and my dad is an architect because my brother and I were never raised to think like heirs anyway. I tell him about my experience working as a waitress in college to save up for my plans of living in Korea. He laughs and tells me about his odd jobs back in the day. Before we both the know it, it's nearing 10PM and we have finished a whole bottle of wine already. The sushi platter has been depleted as well. He pays the bill ever so casually and drives me to my apartment building, memorizing the way as we go.
"PD-nim, in case you want to eat and hang out, my apartment is on the penthouse floor of the west wing, okay?" I joke.
"I'll take you up on that offer some other time, annyeong! [Bye!]" He says, waving before driving away.