"Damn, what a beauty," I point to the distance and sigh before sipping the rest of my milkshake, my eyes are fixed on the glowing lights that dotted the Santa Monica State Beach shoreline. I watch a few people playing in the water, getting their feet wet, their figures illuminated by the red and purple lights of the giant Ferris Wheel looming in the background. Everything around me looks and feels alive. Mark, however, is still dead silent. "Must be nice being away from all this and seeing it again like it's the first time..."
"It is," He says, making me snap out of my thoughts. I find Mark gazing right at me, his face almost expressionless. It's like he's staring at a painting in an exclusive art gallery, trying to estimate how much it would cost him if he were to buy a piece of art.
"Stop that," I hiss.
"What?! What did I do?" He asks, acting all innocent and blinking at me repeatedly.
"I know that look Mark, I've seen that look before. I'm not trying to big-note myself here, I'm just telling you that I know exactly where this is going and we can't."
Silence.
Despite the romantic atmosphere brought about by the beach and the lights, I decide that it's best for the both of us to just face this issue like adults—which we are, in as much as we hate that fact.
"I know that..." Mark leaves his sentence hanging.
"Then stop." I try to focus on what I said to Producer Park back in Seoul, with sushi as our witness. No dating. Absolutely no dating. My heart clenches at the thought of Mark being so close to me right now and giving me all the signs that point towards the possibility of a relationship that goes beyond the line of friendship.
"I can't." He says, his voice sounding so helpless and brave all at the same time. "I can't stop."
I laugh in spite of myself. "Of course you can, what are you on about?! Why are you saying that?" I roll my eyes at him and he just stares at me. I focus instead on cleaning up what's left of our fastfood dinner. Wrap it up. End this now.
"I can't because I'm attracted to you," Mark's voice is as concrete as the ground made of sand beneath us. "I've always been attracted to you," He's adds. He seems very sure of it, and the look on his face tells me he's not going to apologize for what he just said.
Silence.
I'm waiting for him to tell me this is all a just joke. I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a punchline because I'm afraid that if he doesn't I'm going to either breakaway or break the rules but it does not come. "I'm not going to take that back. We're both too old for that shit."
"Are you sure?" I ask, hoping he would reconsider his feelings in the same way I've been reconsidering mine.
"Yeah," He answers, confusing me all the more. I shiver and it's not just because of the cold breeze blowing from the sea, but also because of the ominous feeling of things changing right before my eyes. Maybe a knit crop top and a pair of distressed denim shorts isn't such a good combination when you're out on a pretend date—one where you don't even know you'd end up at the beach past 7PM with a confession hanging over your head. I press my legs together, pull them closer to my body, and rub the sides of my arms with my hands.
Suddenly, I feel warmth emanating behind me, solid arms circling my waist, long legs spreading on either side of me as Mark pulls me into his embrace. He closes the gap between my back and his chest, and pulls my hair away gently so he could rest his chin on my bare shoulder. "Please say something," He whispers.
"What do you mean when you said you've always been attracted to me?" I ask.
"Do you remember the night we met while filming Real GOT7?" He asks me back with a soft chuckle.
"Yes," I smile. It's only been half a year since that night, how the heck would I forget?
"It wasn't an accident..." Before I get the chance to turn around and question him further, Mark hugs me tighter. My breath catches in my throat and I swallow hard as he leans closer to my ear. "I was rooming with Youngjae that night and there's this huge window in our room. I saw you taking your clothes off by the pool and I watched you swim."
I turn my head to look at him, our faces inches away from each other. Is this for real? "I... B-But what about Coco? And the poop, and—"
"That was Coco's poop from the morning before." Mark laughs at my disbelieving face. "I didn't pick it up that morning so I used it as my excuse talk to you,"
"Oh my g—Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was that night?! I was cold and dripping wet and I didn't know what to do!" I feel my cheeks burning as I turn away from him, making Mark laugh all the more.
"See, that's exactly why I had to lie. I could see your red bikini through your white dress and it looked really sexy," Mark says, his laughter dying down slowly, his voice lowering a notch. "You have no idea how much it bothered me for several nights... It kind of still does..." There's a hint of mischief in his voice as he speaks and I try not to squirm against him. It's not that I'm not comfortable being so close to him like this, it's just that everything he's saying seems so unreal. I fake a laugh and stretch my legs out in front of me, leaning back to him a little as I try to get more comfortable. The stars and the lights are glinting on the water in front of us, making me realize that we're getting deeper into the night, and maybe into each other's thoughts too.
"Are you mad?" Mark asks, taking my right hand and kissing the back of it gently. I suddenly feel my heart pounding in my chest.
"No, I'm not mad," I answer, sighing as I stare at my helpless hand intertwined with his. I feel like his kiss has melted my bones. "But I could definitely use a bottle right now. A lot of things are starting to make sense and not make sense all at the same time. Can we go somewhere to drink?"
"I don't want to drink tonight," Mark's breathing heavily on my shoulder now, his chest is heaving as he grazes the skin on my arm with his long fingers. "I want to remember every single detail about you..." He kisses my shoulder blade and my breathing hitches once more when his lips start tracing the line from my shoulder to my ear. What is happening?
"Like what?" I dare ask, willing my heart to slow down while he draws lazy circles up my arm and on my shoulder. His other hand starts traveling down my thigh, thumbs brushing against the bare skin that my ripped shorts are exposing.
"Your clothes, and the way you dress," He whispers. "Your legs, your face..."
"Mark..." I call out softly before my defenses fall like leaves in autumn.
"Your boobs..." He continues, snickering in my ear. His lazy circles are moving constantly from my shoulder down to my cleavage. "Your neck..." I suddenly feel his hot breath on that my sensitive spot, followed by his lips, and then his tongue. A moan escapes me and I immediately cover my mouth with both hands. I feel Mark smirking against my skin, his airy chuckle tickling me in places I never even imagined he could. I am melting slowly in his arms, my resolve leaving me bit by bit.
He takes my hands away from my mouth with both of his own. "Your lips... God, I love your lips the most," He sounds desperate now as he traces my jawline with his finger. He tells me that it took all his willpower not to kiss me when we were stuck in my dressing room, drinking from one wine bottle. He whispers the many things he thought about while watching me anxiously trap my lips in between my teeth, knowing for a fact that his presence affected me so badly. He says he wanted to push me against the wall, or down on the shaggy rug, hike my baby doll dress upwards and touch me anywhere I'd allow him access to. He reveals that he wanted to kiss me, and he wanted it all the more when the blood started oozing from my lip.
Unconsciously, I start gnawing on my lower lip again, my heart racing. He turns my face sideways towards his, and my eyes fall on his mouth, moist and pink. In that split second, the wheels in my head starts to turn. Should I push him away or just let happen?
"I like you so much, I've wanted to kiss you for the longest time..." He whispers again, just inches away from my face. Something inside me snaps. I lean first towards his open invitation, kissing Mark Tuan on the lips with all the restrained force I could muster. He kisses me back.
It's not about breaking the rules now, it's about finally admitting to the truth that I've been trying to avoid for months.
I turn my body towards him and his hands find their way to my waist, to my face, caressing me softly as our lips crash together. I let my hands roam his chest, pulling him closer by the shirt. As we kiss, Mark slips his hand underneath my crop top and cups my right breast tenderly. I immediately pull away. "Mark, were in public," I warn.
"Sorry," He stops groping me and scoots closer. I feel the bulge that has formed in his pants against my back. "I can't help it, you're turning me on so much right now." He attacks my neck again with eager kisses, leaving bruises while I purse my lips and grab onto the blankets beneath us to prevent myself from moaning. His fingers make their way to the crotch of my denim shorts and I suddenly feel hyper aware of my own wetness. Damn, what is happening to me?
"Mmmhhhmmm... Do you want me to take you back to the hotel now?" Mark finally asks, his labored breathing sending shivers down my spine. We both run to the car as soon as I find the willpower to nod, our blanket flying behind us.