"Because we had sex and you feel awkward about it?"
Silence.
Mark and I have realized early on in our friendship that the reason we click so well is because we're both introverts. We don't mind being quiet together. We like silence. But this staring contest is just fucking ridiculous.
"Mark," I start without really knowing what to say. "What do you want from me?"
Silence.
He drops his gaze to the bowl between us. The ice cream is starting to melt and I can't help but think that maybe it's sensing the tension in the air. "I don't know what I want." He takes his spoon and starts eating the ice cream, his face unreadable. "But I don't want us to feel awkward around each other."
I sigh and lean against the counter top, taking the other spoon without raising my eyes to him. I know he's watching me intently as I eat and mull over his words. "I don't want that either."
"So you do feel awkward."
"Yeah, actually..."
"I don't." There's conviction in his voice as he takes in another scoop of ice cream. I watch him lick his lips and feel a rope in my gut uncoiling.
"Well that's you," I say before eating another scoop. I know I'm starting to sound like a brat but I can't help but become more and more frustrated with him. Does he think I'm easy? I've only ever had sex with one guy my whole life and since the massive breakup that sent me packing to Seoul, I haven't dated anyone, let alone have sex with anybody. "I'm not used to this, I'm not a one-night-stand kind of girl."
"Who says it was just a one night stand?" Mark asks. He leans forward and touches my face with his finger before attempting to close the gap between us with a kiss.
"Mark..." I turn my face the other way. He sighs and sits back to distance himself. "I just don't want to get you in trouble," I say, remembering PD-nim's words at the sushi restaurant. I've always thought that a no-dating contract clause was a small price to pay for the international fame but now that I'm starting to fall victim to it's trap I'm beginning to question why I'm even working in this industry.
"We won't get in trouble unless we date." He says it like it's no big deal and I don't know whether to feel flustered or offended because it's finally clear why he's here in the first place. The cat is out of the bag and now we're both staring at it as it purrs around the table so casually.
I wonder if he realizes that he's literally asking me to be his fuck buddy. I wonder how many girls he's dated in the past and how many fuck buddies he's had. But then I remember that night in L.A. when we were cuddling after cleaning up and he said he has not had any decent sex in the last five years because they were so hellbent on debuting they just didn't have time.
"So you're saying we should just keep fucking around because we're not dating anyway?" I scoff and take another spoonful of ice cream. He watches me nervously as I lick my spoon. "Like fuck buddies?" I say outright. Mark purses his lips upon hearing my words.
"Maybe... Or something like that..." He answers reluctantly, placing his hand on top of mine. "Look, we both need the company and the sex," My eyes meet his seductive gaze as he starts drawing circles on my skin. "Five years without it was hard, and now that I've had it again, and it's with you, it's driving me insane. I keep replaying everything that happened in my head. I thought it's going to be a one-time thing too but when I saw your video I just—"
"Wait, you saw the video?!" I feel my jaw unhinging.
"Yeah, BamBam showed me."
"Damn, why does BamBam have to be on Twitter all the time?!" I cry out loud. He lets out a high-pitched laugh. I admit that I have downed one too many shots of tequila before Tyde invited me to dance and spin onstage during his infamous Korean-inspired set in Perth.
"Why didn't you tell us you're a DJ in Australia?" He asks, toying with my fingers now that we're both obviously more relaxed than when we started talking. I let him lace his fingers through mine.
"Because I'm not. I just tried it for fun, I never thought it would go viral..." I explain. He rises from his seat and comes around to my side of the counter, apparently to get a glass of water. I turn to him while recounting what happened in Australia, the gigs that I went to, the events and the media fest that my family shamelessly took advantage of.
"You should try doing it more," Mark says "You looked so sexy on stage," His gaze is burning a hole in my consciousness, making it harder for me focus on anything else other than him.
"You really think so?" I ask, watching his Adam's apple bob up and down in a hypnotizing rhythm as he sips his water.
"Mmhhhm..." He's standing so near me now that I can smell his familiar scent. Mark carefully places the glass of half-empty water on the counter while his other arm snakes around my waist. He looks down on me and I stare into the brown galaxies of his eyes, feeling almost dizzy and breathless. We fall into the kind of quiet we both like—and crave. His eyes seem to be telling me that he's just waiting for confirmation. It's the same inviting look he had given me when we were sitting on the shores of Santa Monica. Only this time I don't budge, so he does.
Mark presses his lips on mine, his kiss tender yet hesitant. I kiss him back in spite of myself, drunk off his scent and the feel of his hands on my waist as he pulls me closer to his body. We explore each other's mouths, tongues melting together so sweetly. My hands travel to his arms, up to his broad shoulders, and up to the back of his neck. I run my hands through his hair, my nails raking his scalp softly as I moan in his mouth.
"Fuck," All at once his hesitant kisses turn savage, his teeth grazing my lower lip. Mark hauls me upward and sits me on the kitchen counter. He spreads my legs, fingers gripping my inner thigh, and starts kissing and licking the sides of my neck. His name escapes from mouth and I hear him hiss in response. "Fuck, I missed you so much you have no idea..."
I laugh and he stops to watch me with confused eyes. "We've been out of touch for a week and you're a mess already? You sure you don't want to date?" I boldly ask. Where I'm getting this kind of courage, I really don't know. He grabs the bowl of ice cream behind me with a shit eating grin.
"Baby, that's exactly my point. If we date, I'll never let you out of my sight. I don't think you're ready for that." He says, winking at me. My line of sight drops to his deliciously pink lips and even without saying a word, I know that he can sense my need to take his face in my hands and savor him again. "So what do you say?"
We fall into contemplative silence again. In the grand scheme of things the only fitting answer to give is a resounding "No". I've always prided myself for being an upright and sensible person. Sure, I've had my fair share of stupid, crazy ass decisions. I've gone skinny dipping with a boy back in college, I've left everything behind in Australia, and just recently I have allowed myself to get piss-drunk in numerous parties. I'm in the middle of my 20s, I should have a better grip on my life but right now. But here I am, biting my lower lip so hard because frankly I'm finding it way too difficult to turn Mark down. I'm the adult here, I should know what's right.
No, we're both adults here. We both should know what we're doing.
"Fine," I finally say, looking at him straight in the eye. "Let's give it a try."
"Oh, really?!" He answers, eyes widening as he sets his spoon back into the bowl that he's holding steadily between us. I just nod at him with a smile before taking the spoon.
"But we need rules... And we're both making them."
"Okay, I'm listening," He says, a smile slowly spreading across his face as he leans closer to me. "You better not be making rules about not falling in love because we both know that's bullshit." We laugh and then we take turns eating the ice cream with one spoon.
"Okay, my number one rule is that we both ask permission before third base. If any of us says no, or hesitates, we stop."
"Of course," He says with a serious look of concern on his face, as if to say he'll never want to violate me in any way. I smile at him, glad that I'm sitting on the kitchen counter because now we're on the same level. "What's rule number two?"
"Protection?" I suggest, and he nods enthusiastically. "For the both of us, I mean... Just so we're sure." We really can't run the risk of having a baby right smack in the middle of his—and my—growing career.
"Good call. Can I give rule number three?" I nod at him to signal my interest. "I want us to be exclusive."
"Mwo?! [What?!]" I balk under his determined gaze.
"We may not be dating but I don't want you to fuck anyone else either."
"Ah, wae?! [Oh, why?!]" I say, trying to hold in my sarcastic laugh. It's not that I'm against having a monogamous relationship with him, I just want to know what's on his mind. "Are you worried about STD? Isn't this a bit too much? What if I want to date somebody and—"
"No." He takes the spoon and the empty bowl and turns his back to me as he walks toward the sink. "I just... I don't want to share you with anyone else."
I scoff at his childish remark until he turns to me with a serious look on his face. "Oh and rule number four is we're not allowed to call anyone else Baby." He comes up to me with a smirk, licks his lips as his arms snake around my waist again. "Can we do that? Can we call each other Baby?"
He's putting his puppy dog eyes once again and I can't help but think that he's projecting his dating frustrations at me. I sigh and say, "But you call your fans Baby all the time... Can't we just stick to our names?"
"I don't call our fans Baby—they're our Baby Birds, that's different."
"I can't believe we're fighting over a cheesy nickname,"
"I can't believe we're fighting because you won't call me Baby. It's so simple."
"Jesus, fine, I'll call you Baby!" I burst, rolling my eyes at him. How did we end up bickering on our first night as a couple? Are we even a couple? Is that something that could quantify this relationship? We are in a relationship, right? Like, fuck buddies are still—technically speaking—in a relationship, right?
Mark interrupts my train of thought by placing one hand at the back of my neck and pulling my face towards his, kissing me hard and long. "Thank you, Baby..." He whispers against my lips. It's as if he knew I was overthinking and didn't want me to stress. I sigh as his kisses reach my neck once more, my hands gripping the edge of the counter top I'm sitting on, my body arching towards his touch.
"Mmmhhhmmm, Baby, please don't tease..." I say, testing the waters. The words are foreign to my lips because I have never called anyone that way before and it feels strange and good all at the same time, just like the way his fingers are unraveling the knots of my robe and lightly touching the skin on my leg.
"Wow, that sounds so good coming from you," He snickers, lips still hovering around the sensitive spots on my neck. "Hey, you know what," He says, suddenly stopping to make me look at his face once again. "Let's make that our secret signal. From now on, if I say Baby on cam that means I'm talking only to you. Okay?" His smile is so dazzling I feel like my heart is doing mini somersaults.
"Okay..." I say before pulling his face towards me and giving him another deep kiss. I feel hands all over my body, our tongues dancing fiercely in a state of lust. He takes his shirt off and I let my hands map a trail down his toned muscles, my clothes pooling on the floor along with his. I watch his head lowering down and ending in between my legs, hear myself cry out his preferred nickname in ecstasy.
This isn't exactly how I envisioned my Friday night, but I have no complaints—not when I'm finally doing something exciting and new in Seoul. Fuck all the blog posts, it'll die soon enough. But this... This is so worth it.