"Are you sure I look okay?" Jihoo asks, anxiously wiping his round black-rimmed glasses with the hem of his pink button up shirt as we wait for the elevator. He's taken into bulking up lately with workouts and protein shakes, and though I'm not sure what kind of guy Amber's into anyway, I reassure him that my celebrity friend is excited to meet him as well.
"Trust me, Amber is so chill. Why else would she invite us to eat here?" I say, shifting my weight from one foot to another as I look around the crowded lobby of Lotte Hotel. What the hell is taking this elevator so long?!
"What exactly are we doing here anyway?" Jihoo asks again, his subtle satoori accent attracting the attention of several ladies waiting behind us. My cousin from Busan is speaking to me in English so fluently that even I couldn't believe it, but his provincial twang shows off a little and it's adorable as heck.
"It's a secret," I answer, looking left and right to make sure no one hears before whispering. "But it's got something to do with a collaboration." I tap my foot against the marble floor, my new booties starting to hurt because it's been a while since I wore heels. I've worn sneakers far more frequently than I have before and I'm afraid I'm starting to get used to athleisure outfits so I have decided to shake things up a bit and dress up.
We hear a 'ding' as the elevator doors open, and we see two tall security guards blocking our way. There's harsh whispering behind me as I crane my neck to see who's inside, until my eyes land on a familiar tall figure at the back. "Oh, Noona!" I hear him shout just as the elevator doors are closing. "Love, come on!"
I gasp upon realizing who the voice belongs to. "Namjoonie, annyeong!" [Hi Namjoon!] I say, waving at Rap Monster enthusiastically. The two towering guards finally decide to hold the door and step aside, allowing me and my bewildered cousin inside the elevator. We are immediately surrounded by the members of Bangtan Sonyeondan, some hotel staff, and three other people who I assume are BigHit Entertainment managers. I politely greet everyone in the lift as I make my way to Namjoon who's smiling at me, dimples and all. Jungkook stands beside him and watches with his wide puppy dog eyes as I squeeze in between Jin and J-Hope.
"Annyeong haseyo," [Hello,] Jin is the first to greet me back. God, Jin looks so good up close. He must've been a prince in his past life. I smile at him timidly, aware that everyone else seems to be gawking at me—the awkward outsider.
"Hey," I feel a light tap from behind me and I look back to Namjoon who seem to have gotten blonder than the last time I saw him. He hands his phone over my shoulder with a knowing smile. "I told you to call me but you never did. Leave your number so I can call you." His English, as always, is impressive. I hear Jungkook whispering a compliment to his leader for his smooth talk while I type in my number. Namjoon just laughs and shakes his head. I give his phone back and he introduces me briefly to the group, explaining how we met through Mark and what I do at JYP Entertainment.
"Oh, seolma?!" [Oh, really?!] says Taehyung who's peeking from behind Jin's broad shoulders with a surprised look. "Mark Hyung never mentioned they have a pretty PD-nim!"
"Yah, V, hajima [stop]. She might not look like it but she's older than both Mark and Jin," Namjoon warns, making the boys around me gape like fishes caught in a net. "Where are you headed?" He then asks, surprising everyone as he smoothly transitions from Korean to English.
"We're meeting Amber at the member's restaurant," I answer before glancing at my companion who's reaching past the guards to push the button for 107th floor. Jihoon is wide-eyed and looking like a sore thumb in between Suga and Jimin. He's probably more surprised of the fact that we're literally rubbing elbows with BTS than I am. "Oh, this is my cousin, Jihoo." Jihoo mutters some polite greeting that we can barely hear.
"You know Amber from F(x)?" Jin asks, also in English. His big eyes are so distracting and beautiful that I find myself stuttering while explaining how I met Amber and Henry on the same night I met their leader. The truth is, Namjoon, Amber, and Henry aren't the only ones I know personally. Since the blog post and the viral video, I have been introduced to many people in the industry. The boys followed through with their promise to introduce me to G. Soul who even gave me a signed CD when he was told I was his fan.
"Oh, jamsimanyo! [Oh, wait a minute!] I think I recognize you from somewhere," Jimin says, raising his finger. He tries to think, eyeing me curiously from head to foot while biting his lower lip, making me blush immediately. I've always thought that he's a pretty boy but right now, seeing him in person, I realize the word 'pretty' doesn't give justice to his stunning good looks.
"The viral video. You're the one who remixed GOT7 and One Direction." We all look at Suga, not expecting him to speak. He's leaning comfortably against the wall, cold eyes scanning me, making me fret in my shift dress. There's a collective sound of surprise inside the elevator as it dawns on everyone that I'm not entirely a stranger to them. Namjoon and Jihoo are exchanging smiles while I resort to looking down at my feet, my cheeks feeling hot at the attention I'm suddenly getting.
"Ahhh, you're the Australian Paris Hilton at JYP?" J-Hope asks, his smile blinding like the sun. "I've wanted to ask JB hyung to introduce us. I'm Jung Hoseok." He offers his hand out to me with a smile that's almost cocky, if not confident.
"Ara," [I know,] I answer, blushing all the more at the way he's staring at me. In my slightly shaking voice, I manage to explain that I've been a fan of BTS since debut days.
"Aigoo, Noona, you're making my heart flutter!" He answers dramatically, still not letting go of my hand. We all laugh at his attempt at flirting. Namjoon distracts everyone by declaring that I owe him a lot because I promised to call and never did. He softly demands a collaboration, to which the rest of the boys respond to with cheers.
"Okay, I'll be sure to call you this time," I finally say.
"Yagsog?" [Promise?] Rap Monster says, holding his pinkie finger up.
"Yagsog." [I promise.] I intertwine my pinkie with his.
BTS' manager informs us that we're fast approaching 79th floor and it spurs the members to stand up properly in preparation for their fansign event. "By the way, Love, you're coming to our concert next month, right?" Namjoon asks again.
"Oh, I'm not sure," I say, feeling guilty that I've been so busy lately, I didn't even know they're having a concert. "I don't have a ticket yet but I'll see what I can do." It's not a secret that BTS concerts sell out pretty quickly which makes me nervous about promising to come.
"Call me, I'll give you guys tickets to the second-day of the show." Namjoon says. Jihoo's eyes seem like they're going to pop out of their sockets. The elevator stops on the floor leading to the events hall and the group starts leaving the elevator one by one. "Oh and please bring Jackson, he's always complaining about me being busy," He adds, chuckling before stepping out and bidding us goodbye. I wave at them and wish them luck for their fansign, to which Taehyung answers with a cute wave and a wink before Jimin pulls him away.
"Bangabseubnida!" [Nice to meet you!] Jihoo shouts to them as the doors close. We each let out a long exhale the moment we're left alone. "Oh my god, was I dreaming?! That was BTS, right? And Rap Monster just invited us to their concert?!"
"I believe so..."
"Oh my god... Yah, how can you not tell me that you're friends with Rap Monster?!"
"Because I only met him once," I say in my defense. I did not want to seem too eager so I put off calling him but I got caught up in a lot of things and completely forgot about his calling card. "That's called an acquaintance, not a friend."
"Okay, well, you just promised to call him didn't you? Now, you're friends." Jihoo forcefully says, making me laugh. The elevator stops on the 85th floor and in comes Amber, surprised that we're in the elevator as much we are seeing her.
"Amber!" I call out before hugging her. "Hi, gosh, I saw Namjoon just now!"
"Oh really? Where is he?"
"They're having a fansign at the events hall. Oh by the way," I pull at Jihoo who's standing awkwardly, slack-jawed in front of his bias. I squeeze his arm a bit to spur him to action. I just spoke to Jimin without fainting so he better ace this. "This is my cousin Jihoo, he's from Busan."
"Annyeong haseyo, fan imnida." [Hello, I'm your fan.] Amber greets him back with a bow and a curt thank you. I try not to laugh seeing them being so adorably awkward around each other. We reach 107th floor and are whisked into a table at the far end of the restaurant, beside a huge glass wall with a view of the city. It's breathtaking, and I'm still not sure why I'm even here to experience all of this.
Three years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of sitting in this fancy place with an idol. I also probably wouldn't think I'd wake up next to one—that person being Mark, who's made it a habit to "sleepover" at least once a week. Amber pulls me out of my reverie by asking me how I am
."Oh I'm great," I answer in English, despite the fact that she asked me in Korean. Somehow she gives me a look that questions the sincerity of my answer but I smile to reassure her. "I mean, I'm just a little bit tired from last night but other than that I'm cool."
"Oh yeah, I heard about your gig at Callabooze, how is it?" She asks, referring to the new club in Hongdae owned by one of earattack's friends. When the PD-nim found out about the viral video, he immediately introduced me to the music producers of JYP Studio, who suggested I try doing small gigs to enhance my connections and skills.
"I was there, she was really cool!" Jihoo pipes in, shocking Amber with his sudden switch to English. I explain briefly that Jihoo is studying literature and it so obviously impressed Amber. "Mark came too, he's nice but he's pretty quiet."
"Ah well, he's always been like that. I'm surprised he even came, he's not into clubbing. We used to force him physically to come!" Amber looks at me curiously as she talks about Mark and I just smile at her. The food comes just in time, distracting Amber for a bit as I try to get my wits together. Maybe her gut feel is telling her that something is different now. I try to banish the image of Mark laying spent on top of me last night, try to forget how he gripped my hips so hard when we did it on the kitchen counter, try to press my legs together as they go weak at just the thought of him.
"Does Mark know?" Amber asks when the servers take their leave.
"About what?" I ask, her question making my heart pound.
"About the collab. Does any of them know?"
"Oh, yeah, they all know about it." Amber nods, probably still thinking. When the video surfaced, Amber was one of the first people to contact me with a proposal to collaborate for SM Station. I had to ask permission from JYP, just out of courtesy. He's still my boss after all and though I'm not a talent in his company, I respect his opinion and decision, especially when opportunities as huge as this one comes along. "JYP is excited to hear it!"
"I actually have it. That's why we're here!"
"Really?!" Jihoo says, looking up from his plate.
"Yeah, let's do a first listen. It's good we have a fresh pair of ears. Let me know what you think!" Amber flashes him a smile and I swear I could almost hear Jihoo combusting in his seat. She plays the song loud enough for us to hear and places her phone in the middle of the table. This is probably why Amber chose to meet up at a very exclusive restaurant on a Sunday afternoon. It's almost empty except for a few businessmen busily typing on their laptops.
I'd be stupid not to say that I'm proud of what I'm hearing. Amber's voice is the perfect addition to the music I made. We took an old melody sheet from one if SM's producers and mixed it with the beats I made at JYP Studios. Amber and I wrote the lyrics, and SM is releasing the song as part of next month's Station releases. Jihoo is obviously impressed, Amber is visibly excited, and I am in a role coaster of emotions. I feel grateful and amazed and happy and scared all at the same time.
They start discussing the parts of the song that they like most and I listen intently, not wanting to miss out in their conversation until my phone starts vibrating in my pocket.
Mark: Where are you?
Mark: Baby?
Mark: Eodiya? [Where are you?]
Love: I'm with Amber and Jihoo, why?
Mark: I'm at your apartment.
Love: Why? Aren't you supposed to be practicing today?
Mark: We're done. I missed you...
I try not to sigh audibly. I shouldn't have told Mark my apartment's pass code. Whatever kind of relationship we have right now, it's starting to grow on me. I'm never the kind of girl to fuss and worry but here I am, wanting to bolt out of Lotte Hotel to be with him.
Love: Baby we just started dinner
Love: Do you want me to come back now?
Mark: No it's okay. I'll wait for you.
"Okay, you know what," It's Jihoo, his voice reverberating across the table. "I'm calling it. My cousin will get famous this year. This song will open a lot of doors for you, Love." I snap back into the conversation, hoping they don't notice how I'm starting to fret in my seat. I can imagine Mark lying in my bed, waiting for me to come home and the thought makes me a little jumpy.
"I agree," Amber says, smiling at me while eyeing how I'm anxiously playing with my phone in my hands. They say female intuition is never wrong and I guess that's exactly what's on Amber's mind right now. "Gosh, I'm so excited."
"Yeah, about that," I say, still fretful. "I know it's already been discussed with Park PD-nim but... Isn't it possible to just put me in the credits without featuring my name?" JYP requested to make the collaboration between two companies more apparent by placing my DJ name in the title of the song. I asked not to be included, preferring instead to see my name under the composers list, but Amber and the SM producers insisted.
"You wanna know why my producers want to put your DJ name on the title? It's not just because JYP asked for it." I gulp, waiting for her confirmation. I kind of already know what she's about to say but I wanted to push my luck because the last thing I need right now is to be associated with two companies and more idols—at least not when I'm banging one.
"Because she's Internet famous?" Jihoo timidly suggests.
"Yes, and we need digital sales," Amber answers, checking her phone. I see Mark's name flash briefly on her screen, his message coming thru just as she starts explaining how we're even going to have a photo shoot, a music video filming, and a few radio guestings to complete the song promotions. Our eyes meet the moment she stops talking and she gives me a knowing smirk while putting her phone down gently.
We finish dinner and though I initially planned to ask them both to go somewhere for coffee—just to give Jihoo some more time with his bias—I give in to the gnawing feeling in my stomach. I tell them I need to run an important errand, and Jihoo says that he's on his way to meet a friend anyway so he needs to go ahead too.
"Hey," Amber says, gently tugging on my arm as she lags behind me. Jihoo's anxiously waiting by the elevator, his feet fidgety, his eyes trying to catch my line of sight. "Mark messaged me just now, he's looking for you."
"Oh, he messaged me too, we're meeting up before I head home," I lie.
"Can I come along?"
"No!" Jihoo and I both answer hastily, my voice rising a bit. I look down on my feet, trying to gather my wits. "I mean, I just—it's not for long, I just need to give him something..."
There's a long pause between us and somehow I feel like Amber is telepathically asking me why I'm lying to her. "Okay..." She says slowly. "I'll tell him you're on your way then." The elevator comes and we all step inside. All the while, I can feel Amber's stare burning a hole at the back of my skull as I tap my foot impatiently. We all reach the ground floor and hurriedly bid our farewells. As I get into the train, my phone vibrates again with a message from Amber.
Amber: You guys better know what you're doing. You know they have a ban right?
Love: What?
Amber: I know Mark too well.
Love: We're not dating...
Amber: Not YET at least.
Love: It's way too early to tell anyway.
Amber: Don't worry. Secret's safe with me.
Love: Thank you Amber.
Amber: It's nothing. Please be safe, okay?
Love: *Laughing and crying emoji* Oh my God, Amber!
Amber: What?! You're both adults, don't tell me you're spending alone time just eating at your apartment!
Love: Can we not do that? We're just friends!
Amber: With benefits?
I stop, not knowing what to type. How do I answer this? And why is my heart beating this fast when I already know she's right?