Growing up in Australia means I got to experience 104 sunny, cloudless days every year. You'd think that I'd adapt well to the beginnings of summer in Seoul but I'm sweating so much I just hate it. I wish I'm in Sydney where it's actually winter by now. That, or I wish I have a car so I don't have to walk along Gangnam-gu with all these freaking shopping bags, going from shop to shop to find the book Jihoo needs for school. I hear the tinkling of bells as I push another door. The person behind the counter seems preoccupied as heck so I saunter off to the classics section without asking for assistance. Please. Please let them have it.
They have Dostoyevski and Hugo, Plath and Bronte, even Nabokov and Faulkner. My hope is building up as I scan the books in the aisle at the far end of the store, which is almost empty except for one guy who's busy reading, his head down and face covered by the huge ass book of what looks like a collection of James Mann's literary work. Well if they have German authors, they should have Hermann Hesse, right? I move all my shopping bags to my left arm with much difficulty. There's five of them, because I can't escape Garuso-gil without buying new clothes and makeup and macaroons. Those macaroons are beaut and I have absolutely no regrets buying them.
"Hesse... Hesse... Hesse..." I whisper to myself, my eyes checking the spines. "Oh!" There's Hesse, stuck between two other Penguin Classics. I immediately pull the black and white book to see the cover. "Damn it!" I mutter, realizing that it's still not the book I'm looking for. Will Jihoo need a copy of Siddhartha though? Maybe. I decide to grab that, along with the limited edition orange collection series version of Lady Chatterly's Lover (not without audible gasping). After a few more attempts on the lower shelves and even changing aisles and then coming back again to the same aisle, I finally give up and take my iPhone out of my pastel pink leather bag.
"Yoboseo?" [Hello?] Namjoon's voice is way deeper when he's on the phone and though he's my last resort, I'm starting to actually like the fact that I can't find the damn book.
"Namjoonie, are you busy?"
"No, no, not really... What's up?" He asks pleasantly. Lies. I know BTS is busy with a V Live broadcast happening in a bit along with the preparations for their Bangkok concert. Still, I feel grateful that he wants me to think I'm not being a pain in the ass.
"Well, I went to all the bookstores you recommended here in Gangnam and I can't seem to find an abridged, English version of Demian. I was hoping you know where else to look?" I shuffle my feet, both arms starting to feel numb from the weight of my paper bags and books.
"Even at Ink & Feathers?"
"Yup, I'm here right now."
"Oh wow, they usually have all the English books you'll need. I guess they really did sell out?!" He's half-laughing, and I can't help but smile in amusement because I'm guessing his dimples are on full show right now though I can't see him.
"I am blaming you for this, by the way."
"Okay, why is it my fault again?"
"Because you were seen reading it backstage at MBC Music Bank, and now everybody's curious! Someone named Rap Monster shouldn't be seen reading an obscure classic, it's counter productive for your branding." I look around, hoping no one's eavesdropping. My eyes meet a pair of black almond eyes behind rectangular rimmed glasses. The guy is still there but he must have heard the idol's name and got curious. I dart across the next aisle for a little bit more privacy.
"Hey, to be fair, I was reading the Korean version. And I was caught off guard, I didn't know we'd be filming backstage." His dorkiness makes me smile all the more. I think I'm biasing him now.
"Doesn't matter, mate. I still ran out of copies and my cousin needs it by next week for his finals." I feel eyes on me as I pace the store for more books.
"Okay, tell you what, I'll give you my English copy of Demian but..." I hold my breath, eager to know what price I had to pay for a book that Namjoon personally owned. God, Jihoo will freak out when he finds out. "You have to promise we'll go out for coffee next time. Call?"
"Call, but only of you sign the book too," I say, giggling softly. Why is he being so nice?
"Araso. I have to go we're starting broadcast in 10 minutes. Watch us if you can, okay? I'll text you later." We both say our goodbyes and I immediately end the call to text Jihoo the good news.
Just as I'm typing, I feel a nudge from my side that sends my books and my phone flying to the ground. "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I hear a voice say in English as I stoop down to gather my books. I look around frantically, my phone is nowhere to be found. "Excuse me, here..." The voice is deep and familiar, and the hand in front if me—clutching my phone—looks familiar too. I take my phone without looking at the person, embarrassment creeping to my cheeks.
He offers his hand and helps me stand up awkwardly. I dust my knees before finally stealing a glance at the stranger. Only, he isn't a stranger. "Wah, Jinyoungie!"
"Noona, mianheyo! Apayo?" [Noone, I'm sorry! Are you hurt?] He asks, worry etched on his face. I should have recognized his eyes but he rarely puts his glasses on during broadcasts. He looks dashing and scholarly in his white cotton shirt, gray cardigan, dark jeans, and white sneakers while carrying two books in one arm.
"Ani, gwaenchana." [No, I'm fine.] I answer with a wide smile. I know that Jinyoung likes to read, his interest in my book collection was very apparent the minute he stepped into my apartment. What I didn't know is that there's a possibility of seeing him in a bookstore near our office in Cheongdam on a Thursday afternoon. "Why didn't you speak up a while ago, we were on the same aisle!" I ask as we make our way to the cashier.
"I wasn't sure if it was you until I heard you talking to Namjoon on the phone."
"Well they seem to have run out of Demian and my cousin needs a copy for school so I asked for help."
"I have free time today, let me help you find it!"
"It's okay! Namjoon said he'll give me his copy," I smile at him sweetly, touched by his offer. He turns to the cashier and puts his books down on the counter. The young lady looks visibly shocked upon realizing who her customer is. He pays for a copy of Homer and Iliad and it surprises me to see that he didn't buy the James Mann book he's been reading. He gives the cashier his signature smile, his laugh lines showing up cutely, his pretty lips spread out with no teeth showing. I swear the young lady almost fainted when their hands touched for a second as she hands him the paper bag. I put my books down and watch her struggle for composure while swiping my card. "Jinyoungie," I say loudly, more for the girl's benefit than mine. "You said you're free the whole afternoon right? Do you want to get coffee with me?"
"Okay," He answers with a nod, his adorable accent making me smile so wide that my cheeks actually hurt. He helps me carry my bags and we leave the store to find a nearby cafe.
Unlike Hongdae, Gangnam's cafes are often filled with young adults and working class men and women busily working on their laptops and iPads. No one bats an eyelash when we enter the new warehouse cafe and settle with our iced Americanos in a corner booth hidden behind a large bookshelf made of industrial steel and old planks. Everything around us is gray and black and I wonder if my lilac dress defeats the purpose of us hiding in a corner. "This is a cool place, I like their concept," Jinyoung says, impressing me with his English once again.
"I agree, I think it's a popular concept. I've been to, like, three or four cafes in Garuso-gil with the same edgy industrial look."
"You seem to like Garuso-gil," He says, eyeing my purchases and reminding me of the glorious macaroons.
"Oh yes, I like shopping in this part of town. Everything is so cute. Here," I open the box and his eyes go wide at the assorted colors in front of him.
"Oh, yeppeuda..." [Oh, they're pretty...] He gasps while taking a piece, its perfectly-made shell looks fragile yet pretty in his insanely girlish hands. I can't help myself. I snap a photo of him looking at the pastry curiously.
"Gosh, you're so cute, look!" I show him the photo and he instantly blushes, causing me to descend into a fit of giggles.
"I won't ask you to delete that because you gave me this, but do not show it to anybody, okay?"
"Fine..." I say keeping my phone. "I can't promise not to show it to Mark, though." The gentle slip up makes me bite my lower lip. I see Jinyoung's eyes twitching curiously at that statement.
"If it's Mark hyung then it's okay, but not Jackson," His comment makes me laugh.
"Araso! [Fine!] not Jackson, just Mark." My mind starts to wander as we eat and drink in peace. Maybe the reason Mark and Jinyoung are so close is because they're both really quiet people. They won't talk unless you talk to them first, or give them a reason to talk. The fans think they're boring, but I absolutely adore that about them. I watch Jinyoung inspect the books he purchased.
"So, why did you not buy the James Mann book you were reading?" I ask before sipping my coffee. I see a flicker in his eyes as he gazes back at me, it's something I've never seen on him before.
"It's... Too expensive," He laughs, eyes crinkling as he covers his mouth with his hand. "Also it's too big and heavy, I won't be able to read that in school or while I'm waiting." It makes a lot of sense, actually. I still wish he bought that James Mann book though. "So why did you still buy Siddhartha when it's not the one you need?"
"I don't know, I guess I'm hoping my cousin would still read it. I read it in college, it's pretty interesting."
"How?"
"Well," I prop my elbows on the table, holding a blue macaroon in between my fingers. "It's considered one of the best references for philosophy students even though it's a fictional work of art. Somehow, it became a perfect example of when art inspires spirituality, when it all began the other way around." Jinyoung's eyebrows are knit together, and I realize I may have been talking in English way too fast. "Mianhe, [Sorry,] is my English too fast? My accent can be confusing."
"No, no, I'm just thinking about what you said. Your accent is... Is nice, it's very..." He pauses and tries to think of a word that best describes what he has in mind. "Healing? Relax? Uhh—Jinjeong?"
"Calming?"
"C-Calming, yes! Your accent is calming." Jinyoung says. It's so out of the blue and so adorably enunciated that I can't help but blush.
"Thank you," I answer. "Your English is pretty good—but I'm not surprised, I'm just really impressed."
"Thank you but I am a bit slow, and I'm not confident yet,"
"Oh, why not?"
"I don't get to practice a lot."
"You have Mark,"
"But he doesn't talk much," His answer makes me laugh again. When we're not too busy eating each other up were mostly silent. We eat a lot (which also means I'm working out more these days), we watch movies, I read and he watches YouTube videos, we sleep. I feel like Jackson and I had a way longer conversation while eating barbecue than Mark and I ever had in person. Jinyoung suddenly sits up, an idea popping into his head. "Noona, do you think we do this again?"
"You mean you want to practice English with me?"
"Yes! I can come over to your house when I'm not busy and we can talk like this."
"Yeah, I'm okay with that. We can read books and talk about it, like a mini book club!" I say, suddenly giddy at the thought of spending more time with Jinyoung over books.
"Book club?"
"It's like a study group. We read books separately and when we meet we'll talk about what we read and what we like or don't like about it."
"That's exciting!" Jinyoung answers, a smile painted on his pretty face. He leans on the table with his arm. "Let's try it now!" Oh gosh, he's eager.
"Okay... Uhm... So, let's talk about—" I leaf through the books he purchased, all of which have black and gold covers. "Greek mythology? You seem to like it. Who's your favorite among the gods?" It's a stupid question but I haven't read those books, I just sifted through them in college for exams. Then again Jinyoung probably haven't read them either anyway. Why else would he buy the books?
"Yes, uhhh... I like Greek mythology. I read these books in Korean but I want to read again in English." He explains. Damn it. I smile and ask him to continue talking. "My favorite god is Zeus."
"Is it because he's the greatest god in Olympus?"
"No. He is... I mean he has the greatest power, but his power is not... Uhm... Muhanhan? What is that in English?" He asks me. The question sends me into frenzy as I try to rack my brains for an answer. "It's like... Forever. Like, no end?"
"Oh, eternal? Limitless? Boundless!"
"Yes, boundless. Like, no restrictions? Yeah, Zeus is great but his power is not boundless." He smiles proudly after finishing the complicated sentence.
"So, if Zeus' power isn't absolute, why is he your favorite then?"
"I like that he has no control over Fate. Fate is... They are three gods that spin the wheels of destiny. They dictate our birth, our life, our death, and Zeus can't control them. But, he can give advice to mortals and immortals, or give them things to set their own wheels in motion." Jinyoung's concentrating so much on getting his point across, and the surprising thing is...so am I.
I try to remember the things I learn in my philosophy and world literature classes to contribute to the conversation. "I think I know what you mean. What story in the book do you associate with that?" I ask, hoping for a concrete example.
"Uhm... Like, the golden apple? Do you know that story?"
"You mean the apple for the most beautiful?"
"Yes, that apple. Three goddesses wanted that apple right? Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite." He counts off with his thin, perfectly long fingers which momentarily distracts me. I nod, asking him to tell the story the way he understood it. "Zeus did not want to be involved in deciding who is the most beautiful because he knows that if he chooses, there will be chaos. There will be war. So he gave the apple to Hermes to deliver to Paris."
"Oh, I know this. It's because he won a war and proved to Zeus that he is a fair god. But then the goddesses tried to bribe Paris by stripping in front of him and by promising him things."
"Eh, did they really strip?! I don't remember that," His says, laughing shyly.
"They did!" I say, smiling wide. "There's a painting based on it in Louvre and I've been there." We both laugh and I watch in awe as his face brightens with a carefree smile. He doesn't cover his mouth this time, and it almost makes me swoon. "Anyway, back to the story. Paris chose Aphrodite, which is why she's considered the goddess of beauty. She got the apple and Paris—well she helps Paris commit adultery." I stop, more because of the tinge of guilt hitting my gut than the look of confusion on Jinyoung's face.
"You know what adultery is, right?" I ask. He shakes his head with an apologetic smile. "Adultery is when you make a married person fall in love with you..."
Or like when you seduce an idol who's under a very strict contract. It's not very different.
Jinyoung nods, mulling over the meaning of the word. I seriously hope he can't read minds. He's not considered the mother of GOT7 for nothing. I begin to feel uncomfortable in my seat.
"Ah, I remember now. Helen of Troy is married to Menelaus and Paris asked Helen to... What's the word? Like, to go away?"
"Elope?" I reply, my stomach twisting. "Yeah, basically Paris and Helen eloped and that started the Trojan War—at least that's how it began based on the Greek divinities." I don't believe in those divinities. As a Christian I think of them as fiction, or art forms. But if they're real, they're probably already thinking about cutting my life thread, what with all the crazy things I've been doing lately.
"Yes. You see! Zeus could have destroyed the apple and prevented war, but that's not his decision. In Greek mythology, gods give mortals and immortals advice but they let them decide for their future. I read that they consider the future open, not empty. Everything that is happening now is a product of your choices in the past."
The sounds of cups hitting saucers, baristas pouring coffee, people talking animatedly, drowns our conversation. It even drowns out the fact that Jinyoung just explained to me an important pillar of Greek mythology in straight English. I nod and compliment him again.
Before I know it, the box of macaroons before us is empty and our coffee, long gone. The silence between us is broken by the sound of my phone ringing. I see Mark's name on the screen and immediately my heart starts to pound in my chest. I look at Jinyoung wearily, if not apologetically. "It's okay, answer him. I'm sure he's been waiting."
"What—Who?"
"Mark. I know, he told me. I told him on the way here that I'm with you."
I hold my breath before answering the phone. "Baby, are you and Jinyoung done? I'm free now, let's meet up."
"O-okay... Eodi? [Where?]" I look at Jinyoung who sips the rest of his coffee with a smile. He knew all along. Mark told him.
Liv, Amber, Jihoo, Jackson, and now Jinyoung.
Mark ends the call after telling me to meet him at my apartment. Jinyoung gathers his things and takes my bags too as I scramble to get my bearings. I don't know what to feel, or how to go about the fact that our secret isn't as controllable as I think it is. I am silent as we walk past the doors of the cafe and onto the street.
"Gwaenchana, jimaseyo. [It's okay, don't worry.] As long as Jaebum hyung and I can protect you, we will keep your secret." He looks at me with kind eyes and I seriously wish a taxi would come before I start crying on the streets of Gangnam. I hail a taxi, thank Jinyoung once again, and smile at him from the window as the car speeds away.
Liv, Amber, Jihoo, Jackson, Jinyoung, and Jaebum.
I finally understand what he meant when he said that the future is open but not empty.