A huge thank you to my betas NotAnIslander and HPFanonezillion for their help! Be sure and check out their works! :)
Katniss is sitting in the backseat of Thom's car as I step out the front door of the coffee shop. My eyes light up when I see that she's wearing her green Love God Feed People t-shirt under her brown leather jacket. Out of all the colors the church could've picked for those silly t-shirts, they had to choose the one that sets off Katniss's gorgeous skin and eyes the best.
I force myself to smile at her and she returns it, reaching for my hand and interlacing our fingers. The gesture of affection startles me, and I have to close my eyes at the rush of warmth that follows, but I don't say anything. My mind is racing with tons of questions I want, no, need to ask her, but now's not the time. I'm still astounded that she's actually here, sitting next to me.
Not that Delly would allow us to talk between ourselves anyway, as she prattles on about all the wedding gifts they had to return for some reason or another for almost the entirety of the over two-hour drive down to Richmond.
The Outreach Center is crawling with people when we arrive. After Thom parks the car, we join in with the throng of people navigating the crowded pathways leading to the concert hall, with Katniss keeping a firm grip on my jacket sleeve the whole time.
Thresh had instructed us to enter through the set of doors closest to the Will Call window, since they're equipped to scan the VIP badges we have. Once we're ushered inside the venue a security guard appears, checking our badges again before leading us to our special box seats. Katniss is still clinging to my jacket, her uneasiness with the huge crowd of people apparent from her deer-in-the-headlights look. Once we reach our seats we're offered popcorn and sodas and given special concert programs. Katniss releases me long enough to accept a soda, but then clasps her hand onto my arm again as soon as we sit down.
Scanning the crowd for a moment, I find Rue and Cassandra down in the front row sitting with Thresh's grandmother. "Hey Cassandra!" I call down. She turns at the sound of my voice, waving, before pressing her palms together and pointing to the stage. I repeat the gesture, indicating that yes, we're all praying for Thresh too.
This whole time Katniss hasn't said a word to me, or me to her, but I'm acutely aware of her hand still holding my arm. Her grip is almost vice-like, as if she's afraid I'm going to be snatched away from her if she releases me. It's not like her to act so possessive.
She left me. She walked away from me. She said she was leaving and never coming back. So why is she making it harder by pretending that everything's fine?
I chance glancing over at her. Her hair is twisted into its signature braid, with a few escaped strands framing her face. Her cheeks are flushed, her lips full and pink. But I can also see the slight puffiness and faint dark circles under her eyes, like she hasn't been sleeping well. And she looks thin, even thinner than she did after Haymitch died.
Was she actually… missing me?
For some reason, that thought hadn't ever occurred to me over these two weeks. That she could possibly be missing me, like I was missing her.
"You, um-" I stutter, leaning towards her but not looking directly at her. "You look nice tonight."
I feel more than see the soft smile that appears on her face, sending another cascade of warmth down my spine. That's my smile. She never smiles like that for anyone else. It's only for me.
"Thank you," she whispers.
Her voice is just as breathtaking as I remember.
The box continues to fill as more band members arrive, several of them wearing brand-new TobyMac t-shirts, and all of them practically vibrating with excitement. Once he sits down, Darius announces that he and Shannon have a bet going as to which song Toby will sing to open his set.
"I'm telling ya, this is the This is Not a Test tour, so he's gotta start with the title song!" Darius exclaims. "I mean, he's just gotta!"
"No, no, no!" Thom jumps in from my other side, twisting around to look at Darius. "He'll start with Unstoppable. You'll see. It's the perfect song to open a concert! Peeta, you agree with me, don't you?"
My head snaps up at the sound of my name, and I turn to see Thom looking at me in anticipation. "Um, I actually agree with Darius here, Thom. Sorry."
Thom bursts out laughing. "You guys are nuts! Peeta, how 'bout we wager a cheese bun on it. What do ya say?"
I can't help but laugh, noticing that Katniss is smiling even wider now. "Alright, you're on!"
"Oh, oh, oh!" Delly exclaims, pointing towards the stage. "There she is!"
We all stand to our feet, cheers erupting from the massive crowd as Mandisa dances onto the stage to the opening chords of her song Stronger.
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking, why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
"I remember watching her and Daughtry compete on American Idol!" Delly yells over the music. "It was so awesome seeing Simon Cowell eat humble pie after she told him she forgave him for calling her fat."
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
"Oh wow," Delly says as the song concludes. "I think I could go home happy already, and it's only the first song!"
Mandisa goes through a five-song set, concluding with Overcomer, one of her biggest hits and the album that won her a Grammy Award.
Whatever it is you may be going through
I know he's not gonna let it get the best of you
There's two huge screens set up at the back of the stage, displaying the song lyrics as they are performed. My heart leaps when I hear Katniss softly singing along to the final chorus, sounding like she's trying to commit the words to memory.
You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
'Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when he reminds you
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer
I'm not absolutely certain, but I'm pretty sure I see Katniss swipe a tear away from her eye as the song concludes.
There's a brief intermission following the set. We all return to our seats, with Delly continuing to gush about Mandisa's performance to anyone who will listen. Katniss slides her hand around my arm again, even going so far as to rest her forehead against my shoulder for a moment, retreating as soon as I turn my head toward her.
Maybe she has been missing me.
Clearing my throat, I lean in towards her, again not meeting her eyes. "Did you enjoy the opening set?"
"Yes," she replies. "It was… loud, but nice."
Oh yeah. She's never been to a concert before. "Yeah, concerts tend to be pretty loud. My ears were ringing for two days after the last one I went to."
She wrinkles her nose, most likely wondering why on earth people would go to a concert that was so loud you couldn't really hear the music.
"But that was when I was in high school," I continue. "And it wasn't a Christian artist. I don't think this one'll be that loud."
Katniss nods, peeking in my direction. "I'm alright." I feel her fingers press deeper into my arm. "I'm better now."
What on earth does that mean?
We're suddenly plunged into darkness before flashes of colored light burst from the stage. "You owe me a cheese bun!" I yell to Thom, getting back up to my feet as the opening guitar riffs of This is Not a Test rumble throughout the venue. I can see Thresh standing on the center right of the stage, ramrod straight and clutching his microphone like he's afraid that he'll drop it.
Please let him do well, Lord! He's worked so hard!
Cheers erupt from the audience as TobyMac steps forward and starts to sing.
Fell out of the sky
Hit the ground runnin'
The future is tonight
They'll never see us comin'
Taken by this urgency, won't let this moment pass
The Kingdom is alive, we're steppin' on the gas
"Check it out ladies and gentlemen!" Toby shouts into his microphone as the song continues in the background. "We have a very special guest here tonight!" He points over to Thresh. "Joining me on the stage this evening is Pastor Thresh Hanson from Mountainside Church! Let's hear it for him, Richmond!"
The audience roars as the song continues, with our group whooping and yelling as loud as we can, and Katniss keeping her tight hold on my arm the whole time. I'm so confused as to why she's being so affectionate tonight, but I have also missed her touch so much I'm too afraid she'll stop if I call her out on it.
She still left me. She's still leaving… isn't she?
My eyes flit over in her direction, flitting away just as fast when I see that she's looking right back at me.
Toby continues to sing.
We're checkin' in, so check it out
Thresh steps forward a little on the stage. His part is almost here.
We're droppin' in, there ain't no stoppin' us now
Thresh raises his microphone to his lips, pointing to the the ceiling as his part begins.
We've only got one shot, gonna take it now
Goin' all in, gonna make it count
Won't look back, gonna set my eyes
'Cause there ain't no practice runs in life
"Yeah, he nailed it!" Darius yells. "I told him he would! I told him he would!"
Darius is absolutely right. Every single minute of prayer and practice has paid off, because Thresh absolutely did nail it. And judging from the thunderous roar from the audience, everyone else who's here thinks so too.
This is the real thing
This is not a, this is not a
This is not a test
The song ends to deafening cheers, and Thresh looking markedly more at ease as Unstoppable begins. Thom shakes his head and holds his hands up in surrender. "I'll get you your cheese bun this weekend," he shouts over the din of the crowd.
We are, we are
We are unstoppable!
We go through Unstoppable, Me Without You, Speak Life, Til the Day I Die, Backseat Driver, and Lose My Soul before there's another break in the music. Tears of nostalgia spring to my eyes when I hear Katniss singing along to her part in Lose My Soul, her voice just as hauntingly beautiful as it was that day at the church all those months ago.
Toby steps to the front of the stage as the song concludes, introducing and thanking his bandmates. Then he calls for the members of the Prayer Team to take their places on the floor below the stage as the keyboardist begins playing the opening chords to Forgiveness.
"Oh, this is my favorite song of his!" I hear Shannon Leeg say somewhere behind me. "What a perfect choice for the prayer time!"
It's hanging over him like the clouds of Seattle
And raining on his swag, falling deeper in the saddle
It's written on his face, he don't have to speak a sound
Somebody call the 5-0, we've got a man down
Now you can go and play it like your own rock 'n' roll
But guilt does a job on each and every man's soul
And when your head hits the pillow after nightfall
You can bet your life that it's gonna be a fight y'all
"I want to thank all of you for coming out to see us tonight," Toby begins, pacing back and forth as the music continues in the background. "The support you've shown us, it means so much to me and my band here. But as you all know, none of this would be possible at all without the blessing of our Lord Jesus Christ. He gave me this gift, and he instructed me to nurture it, to grow it, and then to share it with all of you. And as part of that gift, he instructed me to go out and share the Good News. You see, Jesus called to his disciples after he rose from the dead and told them to go out and spread the good news of the gospel. To tell all the world that he had risen, that their sins would be forgiven if only they would believe it. If only they would believe in him."
He pauses for a moment, letting his words sink in as Cassandra takes her place with the Prayer Team along with several other people I don't recognize, most likely from other area churches.
'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we've all stepped across that line
Nothing sweeter than the day we find forgiveness
And we all stumble and we fall
Bridges burn in the heat of it all
But nothing's sweeter than the day we call out for
Forgiveness
"So this is the time," Toby continues. "In every show I do, where I invite those of you in the audience who, for whatever reason, haven't yet accepted the love and hope of Jesus Christ. Maybe you were dragged here by your mom, or a friend. Maybe you think you don't need Jesus in your life, that you think you have it all figured out. That you like being in control. Well, I'm here to tell you that none of us have it all figured out. Jesus doesn't promise that your life will be perfect if you accept him. You will still have troubles. You will still have bad days. You will still get flat tires, and stub your toes, and spill your coffee. You will still argue with your parents, and your friends, and your spouse every now and then."
Both of Katniss's hands are gripping my arm so hard my hand is tingling. As I sneak another glance at her I notice that she looks pale, with her lower lip quivering.
"But what Jesus does promise," Toby says, sweeping his arm across the vast crowd. "What Jesus promises if you accept him, is to be by your side the entire way. So, if that person is you, I invite you right now to come down and talk with one of these awesome people on the Prayer Team. They are ready and willing to listen to your stories, to let you cry on their shoulders, and, if you decide you're ready, to pray with you."
Then Toby backs off and indicates for Thresh to take center stage. "Pastor Thresh, sir!"
My momma told me what I would be in for
If I kept all this anger 'side me pent up
My heart been broken my wounds been opened
And I don't know if I can hear I'm sorry being spoken
But those forgiven much should be quicker to give it
And God forgave me for it all, Jesus bled forgiveness
So when those stones fly, and they aimed at you
Just say forgive them Father, they know not what they do
"The members of the Prayer Team are ready and waiting! They want to pray with you! Please, don't wait! Don't leave here tonight if you still have questions! Let us help you find forgiveness!" Toby hasn't even finished the last sentence before I feel Katniss drop my arm and take off running out of the box.
"Katniss!" I call after her, turning around just in time to see her dark braid whip around the corner and out of sight. My immediate thought is that she's trying to run away, so I take one step to follow her and nearly trip over her bag, which is partially shoved under her seat. The sight of it calms me down a little. Surely she wouldn't try to leave the venue without her bag, right? Maybe she just needs to use the restroom.
No matter who you are, it's not too far, you're not too far, from forgiveness.
Ask for forgiveness.
Without warning, Finnick's words rush into my head. "You need to forgive yourself! You haven't forgiven yourself for what happened with Glimmer, and you think your accident is God's way of punishing you for that mistake. But Peeta, you know that's not how God works!"
Those words, said for the first time at least four years ago, repeated frequently ever since then, and reiterated by Dr. Aurelius on many occasions over the last few months, now reverberate through my brain like I only heard them for the first time yesterday. Finnick and Dr. Aurelius are right. They've always been right. I've been projecting a false image of myself for so long, I'd forgotten what the real me was supposed to look like.
In high school I tried to act like one of the popular guys because I was dating Glimmer. Then after my accident, I tried to either hide it or act like it didn't bother me because I was embarrassed.
And then, once I got into Bible college and started my job at the coffee shop, I acted like I knew exactly what I wanted for my future. I wanted to finish college and become a Teen Pastor, and I assumed that God would provide me with the means, and the wife, to make that happen when the time was right.
But the Lord has always known, and Finnick has always known, that I've been harboring bitterness in my soul ever since that night of my Senior Prom. I've been clinging to that mistake, wearing it like a suit of armor, refusing to let it go and accept forgiveness.
"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die," Finnick said to me once. I think he heard it from one of his professors or something. "But when you refuse to forgive yourself, it's like you're killing off little pieces of your soul, one at a time."
I'd laughed it off when he told me, thinking I didn't need to worry about anything like that. But oh, how wrong I've been!
"Forgive me, Lord!" I say out loud, my voice drowned out by the music. I really don't want Thom or anyone else to hear me, but I need to say it out loud; to get it out there in the open where I can't take it back again.
I close my eyes, feeling the beat of the music throughout my body, from the top of my head down to the toes on my good foot. "Forgive me Lord, for holding onto my past hurts and allowing bitterness to take root in my heart. Forgive me for not listening to the mentors you sent to help me. Forgive me for viewing my accident as a punishment for my mistake. And Lord! Please help me to forgive myself! I want to be free of this! I'm done letting this define who I am!"
'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
As soon as the words leave my mouth I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and quickly exhale a breath I didn't realize I was holding. When I inhale again, I can physically feel the huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. I can feel the veil that was draped over my soul tearing in half before it disappears. I can feel God's forgiveness pouring into me.
"Thank you, Jesus!" I pray. "Thank you!"
Nothing sweeter than the day we find forgiveness
I look back in the direction where Katniss disappeared, wondering why she hasn't come back yet. I'm about ready to ask Delly to go check on her in the restroom when I see her appear down next to the stage, where the Prayer Team is waiting. My stomach swoops when I realize what this could mean.
"Oh!" I whisper as I choke on a sob. "Katniss, I'm so happy for you!"
But I can't help feeling a sharp pang of regret. It should've been me who led Katniss here, not some stranger. I was supposed to be her spiritual guide, but my selfish actions made her doubt me so much that even now, she obviously didn't feel comfortable asking me, or anyone else in our church family, to pray with her.
I watch as she stands in line with the other people crowding down by the Prayer Team. When a security guard indicates that it's her turn, she's ushered to a woman I don't recognize who looks to be in her mid-thirties. The woman smiles at her, leaning in to be heard over the music. They talk back and forth for a few minutes before she takes Katniss's hands and says a prayer. Then she offers Katniss a hug, and to my delight Katniss doesn't try and shrink back from it. Katniss smiles, nods once, and turns around to leave, presumably to make her way back up here to the box.
Forgiveness is close to wrapping up by the time I feel her small arms slide around my waist and squeeze. I jump and turn, immediately crushing her to me. For a long time we stand there, holding each other, the rest of the thousands of people and the loud, pulsing music forgotten as I embrace the woman I love for what might be the last time.
"Katniss, I'm sorry!" I blurt out, thinking I might not ever get another chance to say this. "I'm so sorry! I was so focused on my own plans, and making sure you fit into those plans, I never even stopped to consider that your wants and needs were different than what I assumed. I was an arrogant fool, Katniss, and I'm so sorry."
Her tiny hands reach up to cup my face. "It's okay, Peeta. It's okay. I forgive you."
"You do?" I ask, incredulous that it could be as simple as that. I reach up, covering her hand with my own. "Really?"
Throwing her arms around my neck, she buries her face into my shoulder. "Yes!" she cries. "Yes, I forgive you!"
My heart contracts at the tone of her voice. Vulnerable, warm, and gentle all at the same time. Not the detached tone from our fight that's been replaying in my head for the last two weeks. The tone she used when she told me I would be better off with someone else.
My arms tighten around her. "I never thought I'd get to hug you again," I gush without thinking. I immediately cringe, expecting her to realize what we're doing and pull back.
She does pull back, but only enough so she can see my face. "Peeta," she says. "I'm not leaving."
It takes a few seconds for my muddled brain to process her words. "Wh-, what? What did you say?"
She smiles, pulling on my neck so she can speak into my ear. "I said, I'm not leaving. I called Gale this morning, and I told him I wasn't coming back. I told him I was staying here. I told him I was staying here with you. I never gave my notice at the Community Center, and I've already talked to Sae about keeping my room there at her house, so all the details are settled." Then she pauses, clearing her throat. "That is, if you still want me to stay. I'm so sorry I hurt you, Peeta. I'm so sorry. Will you-, will you forgive me?"
My head whips up so I can look into her beautiful grey eyes. I can see the bright colors from the stage lights reflecting in them as I stare into them, trying to make sure I didn't imagine what she just said. "Katniss," I stammer. "You just said that you forgive me. That you're gonna stay with me. Real or not real?"
Katniss laughs, that melodic laugh that makes my skin tingle. "Real. It's real, Peeta. I'm going to stay. I can't leave you. I need you."
"Oh!" I yelp as I crush her to me yet again, squeezing her so hard she cries out. "Katniss, thank you! Oh thank you so much!" I press a tentative kiss to her temple before pulling back to look at her, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
She nods, as if she feels she still needs to convince me. I'm too overwhelmed to think, and all out of words for the moment, so I dip my head down to kiss her, right here in the middle of our box seats at the TobyMac concert. Because I want the whole world to see that this wonderful girl has decided to forgive me. That she's decided to stay with me.
"Peeta," she whispers when we finally break apart, tears now streaming down her flushed cheeks. "Will you pray with me?"
I lean back to look at her, searching her face. "You mean… you didn't pray with the lady down at the stage?"
She shakes her head. "No. I asked her some questions, and answered some of her questions. But I told her that I wanted to pray with someone else. I want to pray with you."
A cold sweat breaks out on my neck as my heart starts thumping against my ribcage. I have half a mind to pinch myself, to make sure I'm not dreaming.
I take both her hands and clasp them between my own, leaning down to plant a quick kiss on her forehead. "You're sure you're ready?"
"Yes," she murmurs. "I'm ready."
"Okay," I whisper. "Katniss?"
"Uh huh?"
"Do you believe that we are all sinners, and fall short of the glory of God?"
Her hands tighten around my own. "Yes, I do."
"Do you believe that Jesus Christ came to Earth as the atoning sacrifice for our sins?"
She nods against my chin. "Yes, I do!"
"And Katniss, do you believe in the love and hope of Jesus Christ? Do you believe that he loves you, and wants what is best for you, and that through him, you can be saved?"
"Yes Peeta! I do!"
"Aahh!" I cry, hugging her so tightly that I lift her off her feet. "Katniss, I'm so happy for you!" I can feel her tiny body shuddering against me as I hold her. "How do you feel?"
"So much better!" she sobs against my shoulder. "Peeta, I feel so much better!"
And I feel like the happiest man in the world.
We cling to each other through almost the entirety of Hold On, still oblivious to the rest of the people around us. Right now I'm so focused on Katniss it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist, and the song playing right now is so perfect I'm thinking Toby played it just for us.
Come on, move a little bit closer,
You can put your head on my shoulder
If you can hold on, to the one that's holding you
There is nothing that can
Stop this crazy love
From breaking through
"Katniss," I whisper as the song ends. "Tell me again."
She looks up at me and smiles, her thumb running over my cheekbone. "Peeta, I'm gonna stay with you."
Warmth floods my body as her words ripple over me. I lean down to nuzzle her cheek. "Mmm. Tell me again."
"Peeta," she whispers. "I love you."
I love you. The tears I've been desperately holding back finally break free, rolling down my face and dropping onto Katniss's neck, wetting the neckline of her green t-shirt. How long have I yearned for her to say those words to me? And how close did I come to having her disappear from my life forever? "You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that to me," I manage to choke out. "I love you too, Katniss. And I'm never letting go of you again."
"I don't want you to," she whispers, brushing the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs. "Please, will you stay with me?"
"Always."
The rest of the concert passes in a sort of haze. I feel like I'm floating as we walk hand-in-hand out to Thom's car afterwards, with Katniss resting her head against my shoulder during the drive to Delly's parents' house to spend the night.
It's after midnight by the time we arrive, finding a note of welcome on the front door left by Mrs. Cartwright. Delly and Thom immediately retire to Delly's childhood bedroom while Katniss and I head for the living room, with a twin-sized air mattress set up next to the sofa. After we take turns changing and freshening up in the bathroom, Katniss stretches out on the sofa as I try to get comfortable on the air mattress. There's still one lingering question rolling around in my head that I need answered before I'll be able to relax enough to get any sleep.
"Katniss," I say, seeking out her hand in the darkness. "What made you change your mind?"
Tightening her fingers around mine, she pulls my hand quickly to her lips, kissing my knuckles. "It's silly, really," she says. "And there's a lot more to it than this that I can explain later… but, the quick version is… It was so cold and rainy that week leading up to Easter. It's like the whole world felt as sad and defeated as I did."
Including me, I think. I felt that way too. But I don't say it out loud.
"But then," she continues, sniffing. "Easter Sunday dawned so sunny and warm, it was like spring arrived overnight. Like all the rain and the cold from the previous week had just vanished, and everything was good again. I stepped outside, and the sun was so bright it hurt my eyes at first, so I just stood there on the front steps, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the light. And when I finally opened them, I saw it as soon as I looked down at the ground. It's like I was deliberately drawn right to it."
The soothing sound of her breathy voice, combined with her thumb rubbing circles over my knuckles, has almost lulled me to sleep. "Katniss," I whisper. "What was it that you saw?"
Her lips brush against my hand one more time before she answers.
"It was a dandelion."
Song References:
Stronger by Mandisa
Overcomer by Mandisa
This is Not a Test by TobyMac feat. Capital Kings
Unstoppable by TobyMac feat. Blanca from Group 1 Crew
Me Without You by TobyMac
Speak Life by TobyMac
Til the Day I Die by TobyMac feat. NF
Backseat Driver by TobyMac feat. Hollyn
Lose My Soul by TobyMac feat. Kirk Franklin and Mandisa
Forgiveness by TobyMac feat. Lecrae
Hold On by TobyMac
I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear what you guys think of this chapter! Please don't hesitate to leave me a review! :)