Chapter 28: Begging On My Knees
Nawoon: You've seen it right?
Love: Yeah...
Nawoon: Will JYPE issue a statement?
Love: I honestly don't know. No one's talking about it.
Nawoon: Is BamBam okay?
Love: He seems fine. Says he'll visit me soon.
A sigh escapes me as I press send, eyes weary and tired from the previous sleepless nights. My weekly gigs have increased from the steady two-hours-in-one-night performance per week to what-the-heck-am-I-doing-with-my-life. Boss Min Hoo asked me—okay begged me—to spin regularly on at least one weekday because one of the DJs left. Now I play every Wednesdays and Saturdays, leaving me consistently tired. Mark is tired too. He's been out of my reach while touring in the U.S. and my only source of news were Twitter and Jackson and BamBam.
But this news... Well, this news caught every single one of us off guard. All of us.
I put my phone down and close my eyes, willing my brain to shut down for a few moments but those images of BamBam and Yugyeom are stuck in my head. And then there's Mark. Half-naked, the cross tattoo on his calf showing, his smile too bright to even look at. He was so happy. Who would've thought he'd jump into cold water after all the fun they had?
My eyes crack open when I feel the phone vibrating beside me. Jackson is calling and I don't even know why. "Yeoboseo?"
"Hey, are you home?" He doesn't even bother answering in Hangul anymore.
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Nothing. I'm just bored. Can I come over?" Jackson asks. His voice sounds rougher than usual. I can tell the tour did a lot more than just tire him out completely and I wonder if I still have tea in the pantry for him.
"Of course, I'll be here. Is anyone else coming?" I am hoping against hope that Mark is coming along. I hear Jackson chuckling at the end of the line.
"No, it's just me. They're all sleeping."
"It's 6PM how can they all be sleeping already?"
"I just woke up. JB hadn't slept a wink. I guess it's the jet lag."
"Oh, okay... I'll wait for you then." We say our quick goodbyes and I get up from my bed to brew some coffee. This is going to be a long night, I can tell.
Jackson rings the doorbell just as I'm done brewing my espresso cup. I open the door for him and he greets me with a long, warm hug. "Guess what I bought in L.A. for you?" He holds up a huge plastic bag from Disneyland with a wide smile.
"Is it happiness from Disneyland?!" I gasp dramatically, giddy with excitement. He nods, taking out a Minnie Mouse headband to place on my head before handing me the bag. It has chocolates of different shapes and sizes which instantly makes me smile. I ask him to sit on the new sofa while I keep myself busy in the kitchen. He instantly notices the pastel pink throw blanket draped over its arm.
"Why does this blanket smell like Mark?" His snarky comment makes me laugh.
"Because he likes it a lot—which I honestly didn't expect because it's so pink."
"Mark likes pink... and fluffy things. You should know this already! He's very picky about his hoodies and he has a fluffy dog." Jackson talks on and on about the things Mark likes and for a minute I start to think that maybe I'm the intruder in this MarkSon situation. Had I not known that Jackson is as straight as a ruler, I'd think he's jealous of me. I place his mug of green tea on the side table before settling down beside him with my own cup of coffee. "Thanks for the tea. You'll be a terrible girlfriend, by the way."
I know he's joking, but I still pretend to be hurt. "And you think you won't be a terrible boyfriend?"
"I am an EXCELLENT boyfriend, for your information," He declares, wagging his finger at me.
"And you know this because..."
"Because all my ex girlfriends say so—"
"Oh really now..." I say, raising an eyebrow at him.
"—Except for one, but that's because we had a really bad breakup." I laugh despite his apparent seriousness. "Oh, that girl—my first, like, long-term girlfriend—she's Australian too!"
"Really?!"
"Yeah, you kind of remind me of her because you have the same accent. She's Spanish-Australian-Filipina and she's really pretty."
"Why did you break up then?" I ask before sipping my coffee slowly.
"She cheated on me." He answers so casually, making me yelp, the hot drink burning my tongue. I put my coffee down before urging him to talk more, which he gladly does. He tells me about the girl who made him stop believing in 'forever love'. Then he goes into a long story of how he met and broke up with each of his exes before and after the Aussie-Spanish-Filipina girl.
Before we know it, our teas and coffee cups are empty and my legs are starting go numb the longer we sit on the couch. "I saw her, like, two years ago, and she still can't believe I'm an idol now because—oh, do your legs hurt?" He suddenly notices how I'm slowly stretching my legs.
"Uhh... Yeah, I think it's going numb..." I say, hitting my knee gently with closed fists. "Do you mind standing up really quickly?" He does as I ask and I stand with him to unravel the sofa bed, which earns a gasp from him.
"Woah, that's awesome!"
I crawl into the bed, cozying against the pillows and covering my legs with the pink throw blanket. God, it does smell like Mark.
Jackson settles near the foot of the bed and pulls the end of the blanket away from my legs. "I'll massage your legs, tell me if it hurts." He doesn't even allow me to protest. He just hoists my right leg on top of his knee and starts massaging my foot, and then my ankle.
"Wait, Jacks—Oh wow." I stop the minute he presses on my ankle with such a gentle force, it almost makes me squirm. The way he traces the lines on my foot feels amazing everywhere and I can't help but sink back into the pillows with a soft sigh. "Wow you're good at this!"
"I used to give my mom leg massages. It helps with the pain," Jackson explains. I only nod in response. He tells me about his mom's sickness, which is the main reason why she can't travel to visit him. He started massaging her legs as a kid, hoping it would help. He knew it wasn't a proper massage but she responded very well, just because his touch was important to her. "Maybe that's why I'm touchy with everyone, you know?"
"Yeah, you are... Touchy, I mean."
"Does it bother you?" He asks, his hands smoothly gliding along my calf. I close my eyes, savoring the feel of his hands on my skin, and then I shake my head in response. Something... Something in my chest feels lighter. Maybe it's just me feeling super relaxed. Yeah, maybe. "Some people get bothered by it. JB used to hate it. When we were training he told me that he hates it when I touch him but pretty soon he warmed up to me, so now I get to tickle him all the time." He adds, smirking triumphantly.
"I know because I usually cut a lot of skinship footage." I say morosely from my grave of pillows.
"Oh really?! Why?"
"Because those are idle moments. We need JB to always be ready, and talking, and—well you know—just be the leader. When you two are together he's mostly giddy and relaxed and that's kind of..."
"Counter-productive to his branding?" Jackson suggests, chuckling like an idiot.
"What—How?!" I ask, mouth agape.
"Namjoon is my friend, remember?! He asked me about you. He said you're fascinating." I squirm and whine, making Jackson laugh so hard that he stops massaging me for a minute. This gives me a chance to lie back properly with my leg still on top of his. "So you two got coffee together?"
"Yeah..." I then explain why I needed an English copy of Demian, what happened at the bookstore with Jinyoung, what Namjoon and I talked about during the coffee date. If that's what it's called. "Then he gave me the tickets to their concert—which you didn't go to, you asshole."
"I said I'm sorry!" He protests, and I laugh. My laughter gets caught up in my throat when his hands make their way to my thighs. His warm palms and long fingers, kneading my muscles. "I messaged Joon and Tae too, I said I'm sorry I couldn't come but that you'll be there on my behalf." He turns to me with his knees on the bed and gives me a boyish grin before grabbing my calf, lifting it, and folding my knee gently against his muscular pecs. Then he pushes my leg towards my chest and hovers over me, stretching my muscles.
"Oh my go—Jackson!" I yelp, more out of surprise than the subtle pain it brought.
"Hey, will you relax?! It won't hurt if you stop fighting it." He straightens my leg again and repeats the action, this time gentler and longer than before. I watch his face contort with a look of utter concentration, lips pursed into a tight line. Our eyes meet and I see something in his that I've never seen before. He moves away from me before I can even think about it. "Okay, next leg." He drops my left limb gently to his other side and settles in between my legs.
It would have been weird being in this position with Jackson if we haven't gotten so close after our samgyupsal session. It would have been weirder if he didn't know that this isn't the first time I've had an idol in between my legs—literally and figuratively. Even so, I let him fix the throw blanket to cover me properly, before massaging my right leg. "How's BamBam?" I ask. We both fall silent.
The pool party at Mark's house should've been the best closing celebration. It was the main reason the U.S. tour was planned the way it was. They've been looking forward to it since day one and Mark can't stop talking about it weeks before they left. No one knew it would ignite a scandal the way it had.
"He's fine now. He spoke with his parents over Skype the other night. Of course we didn't understand a single thing because they're all speaking in Thai but he was crying and apologizing," Jackson shares, his hands busy with my right foot. It breaks my heart to hear about BamBam crying. He's such a good-natured, happy boy that I can't imagine him shedding tears. I've seen it before on tape and in music shows, when their wins finally came week by week—a proof that they're stepping up to the ranks of the best idol groups in the world. "And Yugyeom... Well Yugyeommie is just moping around, not talking much."
"I feel bad for them. This whole thing just got blown out of proportion," I say, remembering what it was like being 19 and trying out all sorts of new things that have gotten me in trouble once or twice.
"Yeah, well... We're idols. Every little thing we do, every little decision we make, affects a lot of people." I bite my lower lip at his remark and watch him work on my calf. Maybe that's why Mark had been silent since their arrival. "Mark's in the worst mood these days," Jackson adds, as if reading my thoughts.
"Why?"
"Because his friends started it!" He answers indignantly. If it wasn't for the Snapchat posts, the party happenings would have stayed private and maybe now we would be laughing about it instead. But Yugyeom was shown in a compromising state and BamBam was caught saying something really offensive without knowing exactly what it means. "Can you do me a favor?" Jackson asks.
"What is it?"
"Can you please not speak to Andrew again?! Or any of Mark's friends," He continues, hands traveling to my thigh. "Jessica is okay, you can still talk to Jessica. But I forbid you to talk to Andrew—especially Andrew."
"I'm only friends on SNS with Jessica and Andrew but it's not like I talk to them a lot." I roll my eyes at him. I don't think they even know what kind of relationship Mark and I have. "And where were you in all of this? You should have been there to control BamBam, you know what he's like when he's drunk." I try to say it softly, hoping it won't hurt, but Jackson flinches. The Hyungs must be feeling bad and partially responsible for all this.
"I was talking to Tammy and playing with her kids. Have you met them?" I shake my head. Tammy was busy when I came over so I didn't get to meet her and Mark's nieces. "They're so cute, they call me Uncle Jackson. JB was chilling with Grace and Joey and Uncle Raymond. Youngjae was inside, playing with the dogs. Jinyoung... Well, he's busy with his love life."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh he was with Jessica all day long. They're basically inseparable whenever we're in L.A."
"What?! I didn't know this!"
"Well, now you do. I'm like 100% sure Jessica's in love with Jinyoung. I just don't know if he feels the same." Jackson's hand lingers on my thigh for a bit but I don't mind. I'm busy thinking about Jinyoung and Jessica. Maybe we should read more romance books so I can get him to tell me about his love life.
"Oww!" I flinch when Jackson starts his leg bending routine again. He chuckles as he hovers over me, eyes focused on my face.
"I told you to relax, right? Why the heck are you so tense?" He does it again, this time gentler but heavier, his face inches away from mine, chest muscles solid against my calf. "I didn't know you were this flexible," He whispers, his breath fanning my face.
"I was an athlete too," I confidently answer, which makes his eyes go wide. Ah, he doesn't know about that part yet. I push him away with my foot, his face still aghast. I sit up and explain how I manage to save my parents a ton of money in college by getting an athletic scholarship. "Liv—my best friend in Australia—she urged me to join the swimming team in my junior year. It's not like I need it, I was just really bored."
"Wow, is there anything else I don't know about you?" He asks, moving towards the space beside me.
"A lot..." I say, smiling and wiggling my legs and my toes. They feel so light, I could probably swim two straight laps. I miss swimming. I miss the weightless, thoughtless feeling of moving underwater.
"I have time," He says, fixing the blanket for it to cover both our legs. I watch him twiddle his thumbs like a kid, his lips pouting thoughtfully. "I'll listen..."
"I know you would. That's what I like about you..." The words tumble out of my mouth before I can even stop myself. It makes him grin. I tell him that he used to be my bias because of his good communication skills, that I watch his variety shows because I admire his ability to take cues and respond to people well. "You're eloquent and you're a really good listener, which is why you react so well. That's why TV people love you."
"I don't think Jinyoung would agree," He says, making me laugh.
"You can be a bit stubborn, yes, but—"
"—But you still like me, right?" He peers at me, and smiles sweetly. I feel like my heart is missing from my chest now. "You just told me you like me, you can't take that back!"
The realization hits me hard. I DID just tell Jackson I like him. "You know what I mean, Jackson." I say, trying to distract myself by picking on the frays of the blanket. Jackson leans back, huffing as if in disappointment.
"Yeah, I know. You don't like me like you like Mark, right?"
"I like you like I like you, okay. Stop talking about Mark, we're... We're different." I sigh, scrunching the soft material in my palms. Damn, why is this so soft?!
"Do you love him?" Jackson's question came out of nowhere. No one has ever asked me that question. Not even Nawoon. It had always been "do you like him" or "are you dating" and are both not hard to answer. We may have established that we are not dating but there's nothing not to like about Mark. He's nice. He looks good—insanely good. I still don't know how in the heck I got involved in his personal matters because, frankly, he's so out of my league.
"I don't know..." I say. How is it possible that I'm finding it easier to say that I like Jackson, than to figure out if I have feelings—real feelings—for his best friend?
"I like Mark. I really like him. But if you're asking me if I love him... I—" Everything is so silent, I swear I could hear the air conditioning unit whirring in the background. "I know what love feels like... What falling in love feels like... And this isn't it. I don't think Mark loves me anyway."
"How can you say that?!" Jackson's voice rises a notch, his hand gesture makes me retreat back into the pillows. "Mark doesn't go out of his way to be with someone but he risks himself every time he comes here. Maybe sometimes he thinks with his dick, and I haven't asked him yet, but I DO think he loves you."
"We're FUCK BUDDIES, Jackson. The sex is good, but falling in love is out of the equation."
"Why?!"
"Because it'll complicate things... Because he can't date me anyway and that... That fact alone hurts me already." I give out a heavy sigh after letting the words fall out of my mouth. Jackson doesn't argue and goes silent. All this time, I've been feeling like I'm holding my breath underwater—something I'm really good at, by the way. But this conversation is like a breather. I know he understands, what with the way he takes my hand in his to ease it from the long time I've clenched the soft fabric in my palms. Maybe he knows what it feels like to be trapped in the middle of everything.
"You know what our relationship is like?" I say, watching as Jackson laces his fingers in between mine. "It's like asking permission to pet or walk someone else's dog instead of getting your own because you can't bring pets to your building."
He lets me ease into the silence around us, lets me breathe out another long sigh, lets me settle my head on his shoulder. Talking about feelings exhausts me and his presence is the next best thing I have for comfort. We stay like that for a few minutes. It's amazing how Jackson is doing so well in this kind of quietness. He's never quiet, and if he is he's probably thinking. "What are you thinking?" I finally ask.
"I'm wondering if I should kiss you now." He says it so casually, and so out of the blue, it makes me sit up in surprise.
"What?!"
"You know that thing about petting someone else's dog? Well, I've always wanted a dog." I gape at him as he stares at me with the weirdest look on his face. This is different. I swear this look is different. His brows are slightly knit together, not in concentration but in utter helplessness. His eyes are needy. His lips are slightly open and he licks them as if he's dying of dehydration. "I mean... I miss having a girlfriend, and I miss all the things I used to do with them like going on dates and making out. That's why Mark likes this whole fuck buddy situation. He gets to do those things without literally breaking the rules. He never breaks the rules, he's a very orderly person. But this—this 'petting the dog' thing—I have to admit it's genius." He stops for a while and we both let the realizations sink in, like water being poured into a cup. Then he sighs and turns to me. His eyes look sad, almost desperate. The sight makes me gnaw at my lower lip anxiously.
"Would it be too much if I ask for a kiss?" He asks.
Silence.
"It would be too much for me to say yes, just because I don't think it's fair for your fans that I get to kiss both you and Mark," I answer, a hearty laughter escaping from my mouth. He's still not talking, so I shrug off the looming feeling of uncertainty. "But if it helps make you feel better, I'll say yes." I hear his breath hitch as he slowly sits up from his lazy position, his reaction making me laugh all the more.
"But how about Mark?"
"Our rule is that we can't have sex with anyone else... You're not going to ask me if you can 'walk my dog', right?" We stare at each other for a long time, both of us mulling over the idea of trying it out and possibly getting away with it. "Don't think about it too much because I might change my mind."
Without a word, Jackson pulls me by the back of my neck, leans in and starts kissing me hard. Then his kiss grows softer, lips melding with mine. Our lips are moving to their own accord, naturally, smoothly, until it all starts to feel familiar. My hands move to cup his cheek and his arms circle my waist, and we move closer to each other.
I'd be lying if I say I'm not enjoying every bit of this. I'd be lying if I say I'm not getting turned on by the taste of his lips, the sound of his low, muffled moans, the heat emanating from him, and the feel of his hands gripping my sides eagerly to close the gap between our bodies as we lie down on the bed. I'd be lying if I say I don't want more. More of his lips. More of his touch. More of Jackson. We break our kiss apart and the sound seems to slice across the thick, dense air around us.
"Damn..." His breathy remark gets caught up in my mouth, making me smile as he rests his forehead against mine. "Can't really blame Mark now, can I?" We both laugh before moving away from each other, settling back into our original position before temptation reels us in for something more than just a kiss. Jackson consciously touches his lip while I check if my heart is still in the right place.
"So?" I ask, trying not to make things awkward.
"That was great. That felt amazing." I can tell that the kiss left a really good impression and I try not to blush at the thought that he actually liked it. "But let's never talk about this, okay? NEVER." He insists, making me laugh once again.