Chapter Seven
The short time Christine and Meg had been in New York had been amazing for both of them. Meg had blossomed simply by being herself. She had made many friends throughout all the levels of the opera. Meg's bubbly charisma endeared her to the other ballerinas, the chorus, and nearly all of the stagehands and behind-the-scenes workers. Because of that, she had constant offers to dinner and fun events with which she tried to convince Christine to come. Sometimes she went, but more often, she chose not to.
Christine found herself beginning to relax a little now that they had heard no word of or from Raoul in a month. She was enjoying this new country and found New York exciting and far more open than Paris. Tonight, she and Meg had plans for dinner and, as rehearsals ended, Christine found herself being dragged towards the door nearly immediately.
"I know how you are, Christine!" Meg said before she could say anything. "You'll decide you want to rehearse a bit more and then we'll be stuck here for two more hours!"
"That's not always true," Christine laughed. "But don't worry. I'm hungry tonight so let's go!"
The two best friends stepped out into the warm night.
"There's a wonderful cafe by the park that Rose told me about. I want to try it. She gave me the name of her brother who works there and said he'd give us a discount. Plus, she said he was cute!" Meg added conspiratorially.
Christine heaved a sigh. "Meg, you're turning into such a flirt!"
Meg giggled. "But it's fun! And how else do you expect to find someone? There are so many cute men!"
Christine shook her head, ready to argue, but they were at the cafe and Meg was asking for Rose's brother. As they waited to be seated, Christine wandered a little closer to the park. She sat on a bench under a tree at the edge of it and watched the people walking by. She enjoyed coming up with stories about them in her head. She watched a young couple walk by, hand in hand, and decided they were on the way to a party to announce their engagement. Another, older couple walked by, talking but not really appearing romantic so they were colleagues simply having a discussion about the latest styles from Europe. It wasn't long before Meg came to collect her and they were seated for dinner.
Most of the conversation revolved around Meg and her particular experiences with the ballet part of the opera. As dinner wrapped up and they stood to leave, William, the waiter, quickly came to them to give them a complimentary dessert. Meg giggled and, as they walked towards the park, she opened the bag to find a note asking her to stop by the next night for a date.
Christine shook her head. "I don't know how you do it! You just smile and men are falling all over themselves to talk to you. You have no shortage of opportunities with the opposite sex!"
"You could be the same way! You're so beautiful and talented. You have no idea how many people have said that about you! But you have this...this unapproachable aura about you." Meg led them to a bench farther along the path into the park and took Christine's hand, pulling her to sit down with her. "It's not a bad thing: not like Carlotta. It's more this sadness about you," she added, seeing Christine's look of horror. "People have asked me if you had a boyfriend who died."
"What?! Oh my God! I feel so stupid! Am I really that bad?" Christine asked, chagrined.
"Don't feel stupid, Christine. But really, you're very melancholy. Are you sorry you left Paris? Do you miss Raoul?" Meg asked, leaning forward and taking her hands in hers.
"I made a terrible mistake, Meg. And I think I'll always be paying for it." Christine took a deep breath, albeit a shaky one. "I fooled myself. I thought I was in love with Raoul, but it was really all the fancy and exciting ideas of being married to a vicomte that I was in love with. We were childhood friends but we hadn't seen each other for over thirteen years. I didn't really know him any more. And he didn't know me at all."
"Why do you say that? I thought you two were so in love…," Meg asked, confused. "I mean, for a while you were walking around like you were on air."
"He didn't listen to me...to what I wanted. Everything just got so out of control so quickly. And by the time I had realized it wasn't Raoul I loved, it was too late," Christine replied quietly.
"It wasn't Raoul you loved? Does that mean there was someone else?" Meg asked, confused even more.
"I don't know. Meg, you must promise me not to judge. I need to talk to someone. I need to understand what I was feeling. Will you help me? But swear you won't be afraid!" Christine begged.
Meg frowned in confusion. "Of course I won't be afraid or judge you! Christine, love is love!"
She swallowed hard and nodded silently at her friend. "I think I've felt love for different people in different ways. I loved my father dearly. I love you and your mother. I even loved Raoul...but those feelings were nothing compared to what I felt when I was in his presence."
"Whose?" Meg asked.
"My angel's."
"But Christine! Your 'angel' was actually the Phantom!" Meg felt she needed to remind her friend.
"I know, Meg. When he was my teacher, I felt something indescribable with him. At first, when I thought he was an angel...a real angel...I think I loved the idea of that image. But I ruined everything because I had to see what his mask hid. And then Raoul came back into my life and my angel transformed. He became controlling and angry. And it scared me to realize what he was and could do. But that night he took me? He willingly let me go with Raoul. He sent me away from him even though he had wanted me to stay. I thought that was what I wanted, but then Raoul became just as controlling! They both fought over me like a prize to own. And I resented them both for it!" Christine finished.
Meg remained silent for a few moments, turning over everything Christine had just revealed. Her friend, her best friend, had never told her much about those seemingly dark days. This was not what she thought Christine had been hiding. "Christine...the Phantom, from what little I know, had never made his presence so overtly known as when he chose you to be his protege. You say he was an angel… How long had you been aware of his presence before Hannibal?"
"By then I'd been taking lessons for months, but he used to speak to me once in a while before that. I suppose I'd been visited by him for nearly a year in total."
Meg nodded. "And you say he had never been angry or controlling with you until after your performance that night?"
"Right."
"Christine, everything he did...he was jealous of Raoul. Raoul was the perfect man: younger, handsome, rich. And he swooped in in such a short time when it had taken the Phantom months to get simply to the point of showing himself to you. He was in love."
"He had a horrible way of showing it!" Christine replied.
"How would he know?" Meg countered, oddly finding herself squarely on the side of this terrifying man from their past.
"How would he know what?" Christine asked, confused.
"How would he know how to act? How to show you his love? He probably never had any experience with relationships. Think about it! I've heard Mother quietly tell a few things she knew about him to Monsieur Reyes. How would he ever have any relationships with a woman in his situation? He acted out of jealousy because he simply didn't know how to show you how he felt."
Christine sat quietly for a moment, digesting what Meg had said. "We were both behaving so immaturely. It makes me feel so embarrassed to think about how childish I was. But, Meg...there's more. I was terrified of how I felt: how he made me feel."
"What do you mean?"
Christine lowered her eyes, feeling her cheeks flush red in advance of what she was about to share. "Meg, I felt things I've never felt before...or since. Before he finally showed himself to me, I'd have this anticipation with me all day, waiting to hear his voice. There was this feeling I would have in the pit of my stomach, like a knot...but it was a good feeling. And when I'd hear his voice, it felt like something shot through me. Oh, and when he sang…." Here Christine trailed off for a moment, closing her eyes. Sighing, she opened them again. "His voice just wrapped around me and made me feel safe and secure."
Meg didn't say anything. Instead, she clasped her friend's hands more tightly, encouraging her to continue.
Swallowing hard, Christine continued, her voice shaking. "When he finally came to me physically, he held his hand out to me and when I took it...oh, Meg! It was like everything in my body stopped working for a split second and then started abruptly again. And after that, every time he was near me, it was if there was some kind of invisible current flowing between us. Even when I couldn't see him, I could still feel him nearby when he was there. And then...the night of his opera...when he sang with me on stage…," Christine trailed off, lost in her emotions.
"It's okay, Christine. You can tell me," Meg encouraged her gently.
Christine's cheeks burned. Quietly she continued, almost in a whisper, "His words made me lightheaded, his presence electrified me, and when I touched him...wrapped my arms around him...I burned. It's the only way I can describe what I felt. My body felt on fire and everything in my body felt liquid." Here, her voice nearly gave out. "And Meg," swallowing hard, she ducked her head even lower, "I felt such heat and throbbing….here," she said, obviously embarrassed and, giving up on words, instead removed her hands from Meg's and placed them in her own lap.
Again, Meg stayed quiet, knowing her friend was completely uncomfortable. She put an understanding hand on her friend's knee. After a few moments of collecting her thoughts and courage, Christine continued.
"Those feelings...they absolutely terrified me….and...thrilled me. I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn't get away from that. But now….," again she paused. "Now I wonder."
Meg finally spoke. "Did Raoul make you feel like that?"
Christine looked up at that. "No! Never."
"Did you ever kiss the Phantom?" Meg asked.
Christine hesitated before answering, "Yes."
"What did it feel like?"
"I didn't expect it to feel the way it did. It was as if I lost the ability to stand. My knees nearly gave out and I felt like something was alive in my stomach, fighting to get out."
"Did you feel that way when Raoul kissed you?" Meg asked further.
Christine swallowed hard and shook her head.
Meg took a deep breath and let it out. "Oh, Christine."
"Please, Meg! Don't hate me!" Christine whispered quietly.
"Christine, I don't hate you! I feel sorry for you!" Meg corrected.
Christine frowned. "Sorry?"
Meg grabbed her friend's hands again. "Christine, all those things you felt with the Phantom? That was desire. The heat? The throbbing? That was your body telling you that you should be with him. The way you felt when you kissed him? The fact you never felt that way with Raoul means you never really loved him. You can't be happy with Raoul when the Phantom makes you feel the way you described. You said you don't know what would have happened if you had followed those feelings? You were afraid you'd lose control...but that's what makes the difference between existing and living. And you want to live! Believe me, you want to feel everything you denied yourself. A physical reaction like that? God, Christine! When a man and a woman have that, then making love would be like nothing else you've ever felt!"
Christine gasped, "Meg! That's scandalous!"
Meg shook her head. "No. It's love, Christine! What you had with Raoul? That wasn't love."
"Then...you think that I never really loved Raoul?" Christine asked.
Meg shook her head.
"And what I experienced with Erik…" She trailed off, staring into the trees nearby.
Meg frowned. "Erik?"
Christine turned back. "Erik is his real name."
Meg's eyes widened. "I didn't know. I mean, obviously he had a name other than 'Phantom'...but I never thought about it."
"Oh, Meg. I've made so many mistakes and hurt so many people needlessly. And you've just woken me up to what I already knew but was afraid to admit."
Meg gasped excitedly. "You do love him! Oh, Christine! What are you going to do? Are you going to tell him?"
"How?" She replied simply, looking deflated.
"You could…." Meg stopped. How indeed? "Oh."
Christine wiped the tears at the corner of her eyes. "It's getting late. We should go home."
They stood up and Meg fiercely hugged her friend tight. "Don't give up, Christine. I don't know how, but it will work out. I just know it."
They parted and started down the path back to the street. They had walked a few yards when Meg realized she'd forgotten their dessert. "I'll get it. I'll be right back," Christine said as she turned back.
She came around the corner and bent down by the bench they had been sitting at to retrieve the small bag they'd left behind. Standing up, Christine caught movement out of the corner of her eye in the trees beyond the low stone fence the bench sat against. She searched with her eyes but it was getting too dark to see much. She turned to leave and a small breeze lightly brushed past her and, for a brief moment, she caught the scent of sandalwood and patchouli. It was a scent she had always associated with Erik but it was so brief that she decided her senses were playing tricks on her because of her emotional state and she quickly wiped another tear away as she turned and left.
His eyes never left her until she and Meg disappeared into their flat. He had heard everything they had spoken about. As he slowly made his way home, Erik fought hard to look at everything objectively, but all he kept hearing was Christine's voice saying, "You've woken me up to what I already knew." Her feelings...she had described in detail how he made her feel...not Raoul. She had admitted she'd made a mistake in choosing Raoul. She could still be his in more than his fantasies. But how to proceed? He couldn't take the chance he'd scare her away again. If only he could know her perspective better...know how women thought. And then it hit him: Sarah.